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Wish I was dead TW

ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
edited December 6 in Health & Wellbeing
I don't know how much more I can take. I made another suicide attempt lastnight. I went to A&E this morning. I had an x-ray then I briefly saw a lady from the RAIDD team I asked her if I could go she said yes but then when we almost got back home first of all the lady that I saw from the RAIDD team I saw called and she said I shouldnt of left because they need to get them out but I said I'm not going back then a doctor from the hospital called me aswell and said the doctor wanted to review me but I said I havent got transport money and she was like lecturing me what these could do and advised me to go back. The doctors said that I need to go back tomorrow for an x-ray (duno if I will). My cpn has just called me because RAIDD told my cpn what I have done so my cpn wants to see me in the morning. She only wants to see me after I have made a suicide attempt. I don't actually think anyone would care if I was dead. Voices are telling me to do a lot worse 😞

Comments

  • Candlestick56Candlestick56 Posts: 88 Miniposter
    Hi @Shadowofus,

    It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. I'm really sorry you're feeling so alone and in pain :( You may think that no-one would care if you were dead, but they would. I know it might feel like the only way out right now, but things will get better. However bad it feels right now, it won't feel like this forever. You're stronger than you think. You can get through this! You have already made a huge step in posting this and reaching out. That's a brave thing to do so well done for that. The little things matter more than you think. Take each step at a time, but don't give up. Don't give i to the voices. You are stronger than that. 

    x

    Shadowofus
  • Ed_Ed_ Posts: 61 Moderator
    Hey @Shadowofus

    As Candlestick said, hope you are doing okay, sounds like there has been a lot going on for you right now.

    We know it can be tough to reach out at moments of crisis, but you've shown real strength in speaking to your cpn and the RAIDD team. How did it go speaking to your CPN today?

    There are also a few places that can be good to reach out at times of crisis:
    • Crisis Messenger: text THEMIX to 85258
    • Samaritans: call 116 123
    • Emergency services: if you ever feel at risk, call 999.
    You mentioned the voices are getting stronger, have you looked at the Voice Collective? They have a number of resources that can help with this. 

    Take care,

    Ed
    “Sometimes it is the people no one can imagine anything of who do the things no one can imagine.” 
    ― Alan Turing
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    Yeah went really well with my CPN yesterday. I'm finally getting some support but I feel like this is only because I made a serious suicide attempt. She is getting the duty worker to call me today and on Monday and then I see my psychiatrist Thursday. She is off next week but she is going to call me next Monday when she is back. She spoke to my psychiatrist and he has upped my meds. 
    Laine
  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 21 Moderator
    Hiya @Shadowofus

    It's great to hear that you had a good session with your CPN yesterday, and that you're getting some support now. Feel free to keep us updated when you speak to the duty worker and psychiatrist and let us know how you're doing, we all care about you

    Caroline 
  • NicholasBaileyNicholasBailey Posts: 8 Newbie
    Get a hold of yourself. Who will be better from this?. No one. You have to live and make choices every day.
  • LaineLaine Horse hugger Posts: 861 Incredible Poster
    Yeha feel free to to keep us updated shadow :)

    It sounds really positive you're getting support. How are you feeling about it all?  Xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 


    "So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older" ~ Avicii

    "
    All I do is sit and think about you If I choose then I lose.
    Distract my brain from the terrible news
    It's not living if it's not with you" ~ The 1975

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    Get a hold of yourself. Who will be better from this?. No one. You have to live and make choices every day.
    What do you mean get hold of yourself and who will be better from this?🤔
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    edited December 9
    I don't know how I am feeling Laine. A little bit sad because my suicide attempt didnt work, I cant really go into too much detail on here as to why I am feeling sad but I still feel like ending my own life.


    TW

  • LaineLaine Horse hugger Posts: 861 Incredible Poster
    Do you feel safe shadow?

    Have you talked to anyone about this?  X

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 


    "So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older" ~ Avicii

    "
    All I do is sit and think about you If I choose then I lose.
    Distract my brain from the terrible news
    It's not living if it's not with you" ~ The 1975

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    edited December 9
    Waited 5hours for an ambulance lastnight because I am in a lot of pain and I was vomitting. I'm just out and I vomitted on someones shoes😯 I am safe right now because the last thing I can think of is doing it again while I am vomitting but we'll see what the next couple of days bring. Yeah I have talked to other people about it.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 4,734 Supreme Poster
    Just wanted to pop in to send hugs shadowofus :heart: 

    How are you feeling?


    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Shadowofus
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    Still very sick my mum reckons I need my stomach pumped. I have a gp appointment in a bit because A&E told me to see my gp if I don't stop vomitting after 2days.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 4,734 Supreme Poster
    Hope you feel better soon, 

    Do keep us updated if you need to talk some more.. :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Shadowofus
  • AifeAife Posts: 1,306 Moderator
    Hey @Shadowofus

    I hope your GP appointment goes okay today, let us know how you get on :) 

    It's really positive you're getting more support from your CPN, I really hope this helps with everything.  It sounds like you've been really struggling recently, can you tell us a bit more about what's been going on? We're all here to support you :) 

    Yesterday you mentioned you were having thoughts about ending your life. How are you feeling today? When you're having these thoughts, do you feel like you can reach out to somewhere like Samaritans or Crisis Messenger for support? 

    Keep fighting through everything, things will get better. Stay strong <3
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    Gp said all is normal the only thing she said was if I keep vomitting to go back to A&E. She said it's best not to give me antisickness because it's probably best for the acid inside of me to come out so she dosent want to stop that happening.

    My CPN is off this week, the duty worker was meant to call me today but hasent yet. So think they've forgot or my CPN forgot to ask the duty worker.

    I don't really know whats going on, stuff that has happened to me is too painful to live through now and it's just getting harder and harder. I've decided that I want to die now.

    Yeah I am still having thoughts of ending my life well more than thoughts but I know cant be said on here. Thing is, things won't get better.
    *BananaMonkey*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 4,734 Supreme Poster
    Sending hugs,

    There is support available if you need to talk, stay safe. We are here for you :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Shadowofus
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 385 Rampant Poster
    Just wanted to send hugs and say we're here if you want to talk. I'm really sorry to hear you are hurting at the moment but you are not alone, we all care about you here <3
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    Shadowofus
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    edited December 10
    Now is a very paticular difficult time not to make another hopefully succesful suicide. I think I'll be contacting the Sam's soon.

    TW


  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 4,734 Supreme Poster
    How are you feeling? 

    Did you contact the Samaritans? 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
    edited 12:30
    Shitty🤢 made to feel shitty, worthless. I just looked out my window and saw my support worker and my friend getting into an ambulance. My friend is having chest pains. My support worker could of come and seen me. I've just harmed myself again, I don't really understand why because I'm just going to be in more pain and vomit more.

     

    TW

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 4,734 Supreme Poster
    edited 12:32
    Shitty🤢 made to feel shitty, worthless. I just looked out my window and saw my support worker and my friend getting into an ambulance. My friend is having chest pains. My support worker could of come and seen me. I've just harmed myself again, I don't really understand why because I'm just going to be in more pain and vomit more. 

     

    TW

    Sending hugs, are you safe at the minute?

    We care about you, your not alone. 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 15 Fast Newbie
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 4,734 Supreme Poster
    Do seek help if you need medical attention, :heart: 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Shadowofus
  • AifeAife Posts: 1,306 Moderator
    Hey @Shadowofus

    I've just sent you a PM to check in with you privately but I also wanted to comment on here too :) 

    It's reassuring to hear that you're feeling safe at the minute. Is there anyone with you at the moment you can talk to? Do you feel like you can talk to your support worker when she gets back or someone else about how you're feeling? 

    If you're not feeling safe and having thoughts about ending your life you can always reach out to one of these organisations below:

    • Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis. 
    • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
    • Papyrus - offer non-judgemental support, advice and information to young people. You can call them at 0800 068 4141. They are open Mon-Fri 10am-10pm and 2-10pm on weekends.
    • If you have any concerns for your health or safety call 999.

    Stay strong <3

    Aife
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 2,546 Mega Poster
    edited 17:58
    Hope you get the support & care you need/ want. We are here for you aswell. Sorry you’re feeling so hopeless & suicidal:(   <3
    There is some comfort in what we know. Even if that is deep in depression. I think i now more understand the quote of -life starts outside of your comfort zone. 
    Shadowofus
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