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Wish I was dead TW

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
edited December 2018 in Health & Wellbeing
I don't know how much more I can take. I made another suicide attempt lastnight. I went to A&E this morning. I had an x-ray then I briefly saw a lady from the RAIDD team I asked her if I could go she said yes but then when we almost got back home first of all the lady that I saw from the RAIDD team I saw called and she said I shouldnt of left because they need to get them out but I said I'm not going back then a doctor from the hospital called me aswell and said the doctor wanted to review me but I said I havent got transport money and she was like lecturing me what these could do and advised me to go back. The doctors said that I need to go back tomorrow for an x-ray (duno if I will). My cpn has just called me because RAIDD told my cpn what I have done so my cpn wants to see me in the morning. She only wants to see me after I have made a suicide attempt. I don't actually think anyone would care if I was dead. Voices are telling me to do a lot worse 😞
Post edited by TheMix on
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 90 Budding Regular
    edited September 18
    Hi @Past User,

    It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. I'm really sorry you're feeling so alone and in pain :( You may think that no-one would care if you were dead, but they would. I know it might feel like the only way out right now, but things will get better. However bad it feels right now, it won't feel like this forever. You're stronger than you think. You can get through this! You have already made a huge step in posting this and reaching out. That's a brave thing to do so well done for that. The little things matter more than you think. Take each step at a time, but don't give up. Don't give i to the voices. You are stronger than that. 

    x

    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Ed_Ed_ Moderator Posts: 1,551 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Hey @Past User

    As Candlestick said, hope you are doing okay, sounds like there has been a lot going on for you right now.

    We know it can be tough to reach out at moments of crisis, but you've shown real strength in speaking to your cpn and the RAIDD team. How did it go speaking to your CPN today?

    There are also a few places that can be good to reach out at times of crisis:
    • Crisis Messenger: text THEMIX to 85258
    • Samaritans: call 116 123
    • Emergency services: if you ever feel at risk, call 999.
    You mentioned the voices are getting stronger, have you looked at the Voice Collective? They have a number of resources that can help with this. 

    Take care,

    Ed
    Post edited by TheMix on
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    Yeah went really well with my CPN yesterday. I'm finally getting some support but I feel like this is only because I made a serious suicide attempt. She is getting the duty worker to call me today and on Monday and then I see my psychiatrist Thursday. She is off next week but she is going to call me next Monday when she is back. She spoke to my psychiatrist and he has upped my meds. 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 133 The Mix Convert
    edited September 18
    Hiya @Past User

    It's great to hear that you had a good session with your CPN yesterday, and that you're getting some support now. Feel free to keep us updated when you speak to the duty worker and psychiatrist and let us know how you're doing, we all care about you

    Caroline 
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Yeha feel free to to keep us updated shadow :)

    It sounds really positive you're getting support. How are you feeling about it all?  Xo
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    NicholasBailey said:
    Get a hold of yourself. Who will be better from this?. No one. You have to live and make choices every day.
    What do you mean get hold of yourself and who will be better from this?🤔
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    edited December 2018
    I don't know how I am feeling Laine. A little bit sad because my suicide attempt didnt work, I cant really go into too much detail on here as to why I am feeling sad but I still feel like ending my own life.


    TW

  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Do you feel safe shadow?

    Have you talked to anyone about this?  X
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    edited December 2018
    Waited 5hours for an ambulance lastnight because I am in a lot of pain and I was vomitting. I'm just out and I vomitted on someones shoes😯 I am safe right now because the last thing I can think of is doing it again while I am vomitting but we'll see what the next couple of days bring. Yeah I have talked to other people about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Just wanted to pop in to send hugs shadowofus :heart: 

    How are you feeling?


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    Still very sick my mum reckons I need my stomach pumped. I have a gp appointment in a bit because A&E told me to see my gp if I don't stop vomitting after 2days.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hope you feel better soon, 

    Do keep us updated if you need to talk some more.. :heart:
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited September 18
    Hey @Past User

    I hope your GP appointment goes okay today, let us know how you get on :) 

    It's really positive you're getting more support from your CPN, I really hope this helps with everything.  It sounds like you've been really struggling recently, can you tell us a bit more about what's been going on? We're all here to support you :) 

    Yesterday you mentioned you were having thoughts about ending your life. How are you feeling today? When you're having these thoughts, do you feel like you can reach out to somewhere like Samaritans or Crisis Messenger for support? 

    Keep fighting through everything, things will get better. Stay strong <3
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    Gp said all is normal the only thing she said was if I keep vomitting to go back to A&E. She said it's best not to give me antisickness because it's probably best for the acid inside of me to come out so she dosent want to stop that happening.

    My CPN is off this week, the duty worker was meant to call me today but hasent yet. So think they've forgot or my CPN forgot to ask the duty worker.

    I don't really know whats going on, stuff that has happened to me is too painful to live through now and it's just getting harder and harder. I've decided that I want to die now.

    Yeah I am still having thoughts of ending my life well more than thoughts but I know cant be said on here. Thing is, things won't get better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Sending hugs,

    There is support available if you need to talk, stay safe. We are here for you :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Just wanted to send hugs and say we're here if you want to talk. I'm really sorry to hear you are hurting at the moment but you are not alone, we all care about you here <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    edited December 2018
    Now is a very paticular difficult time not to make another hopefully succesful suicide. I think I'll be contacting the Sam's soon.

    TW


  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    How are you feeling? 

    Did you contact the Samaritans? 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    edited December 2018
    Shitty🤢 made to feel shitty, worthless. I just looked out my window and saw my support worker and my friend getting into an ambulance. My friend is having chest pains. My support worker could of come and seen me. I've just harmed myself again, I don't really understand why because I'm just going to be in more pain and vomit more.

     

    TW

    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    edited December 2018
    Shadowofus said:
    Shitty🤢 made to feel shitty, worthless. I just looked out my window and saw my support worker and my friend getting into an ambulance. My friend is having chest pains. My support worker could of come and seen me. I've just harmed myself again, I don't really understand why because I'm just going to be in more pain and vomit more. 

     

    TW

    Sending hugs, are you safe at the minute?

    We care about you, your not alone. 
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    Yeah
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Do seek help if you need medical attention, :heart: 
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited September 18
    Hey @Past User

    I've just sent you a PM to check in with you privately but I also wanted to comment on here too :) 

    It's reassuring to hear that you're feeling safe at the minute. Is there anyone with you at the moment you can talk to? Do you feel like you can talk to your support worker when she gets back or someone else about how you're feeling? 

    If you're not feeling safe and having thoughts about ending your life you can always reach out to one of these organisations below:

    • Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis. 
    • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
    • Papyrus - offer non-judgemental support, advice and information to young people. You can call them at 0800 068 4141. They are open Mon-Fri 10am-10pm and 2-10pm on weekends.
    • If you have any concerns for your health or safety call 999.

    Stay strong <3

    Aife
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    Hope you get the support & care you need/ want. We are here for you aswell. Sorry you’re feeling so hopeless & suicidal:(   <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 18
    hey @Past User

    How are you feeling now? :heart: 
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    edited December 2018
    Awful so awful I could just cry thinking about how to stay within the guidlines about what to write. Today has been really bad. Urges to kill myself all day cant say how but I've avoided it up to now but dont know if I can tonight. I tried contacting the Samaritans lastnight but they werent any help. I seriously think it would be ashame if I wasent here for Christmas, if I died just before Christmas at least all my pressents of me for people are all under my tree. I feel so hopeless. I havent really got any words. My friend knows what I want to do and she is I think trying to keep me with her but I just want to go upstairs. Today has been much worser than yesterday or the day before


    TW

    Post edited by Former Member on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    So sorry to hear how low your feeling,

    If things get difficult for you and you feel in crisis, maybe go to a&e or ring 999 if you need to. 

    We are here for you though :heart: 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    edited September 18
    Hey there @Past User .

    Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment, it sounds like you're struggling a lot and I hope things start looking up for you soon. You said you were feeling worse yesterday so I just wanted to ask how are you feeling today?

    You also mentioned that contacting The Samaritans didn't help much, have you spoken to any other support organisations out there? The boards are always a great place to talk through how you're feeling but if you need more support there are always a lot of options.

    - Riley
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    edited December 2018

    Evan more worse than yesterday or the day before. My friend just come up because I text her what I was doing she said to text my support worker because I am trying to harm myself but she has finished now. My mum got really angry with me because she said it's stupid that I want to end my own life.


    Yeah, I have tried a couple of support organisations. I evan phoned my team but I missed the call back and they are closed now.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Sending hugs, :heart: 
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