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Wish I was dead TW

ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
edited December 2018 in Health & Wellbeing
I don't know how much more I can take. I made another suicide attempt lastnight. I went to A&E this morning. I had an x-ray then I briefly saw a lady from the RAIDD team I asked her if I could go she said yes but then when we almost got back home first of all the lady that I saw from the RAIDD team I saw called and she said I shouldnt of left because they need to get them out but I said I'm not going back then a doctor from the hospital called me aswell and said the doctor wanted to review me but I said I havent got transport money and she was like lecturing me what these could do and advised me to go back. The doctors said that I need to go back tomorrow for an x-ray (duno if I will). My cpn has just called me because RAIDD told my cpn what I have done so my cpn wants to see me in the morning. She only wants to see me after I have made a suicide attempt. I don't actually think anyone would care if I was dead. Voices are telling me to do a lot worse 😞
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Comments

  • Candlestick56Candlestick56 Posts: 90 Miniposter
    Hi @Shadowofus,

    It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. I'm really sorry you're feeling so alone and in pain :( You may think that no-one would care if you were dead, but they would. I know it might feel like the only way out right now, but things will get better. However bad it feels right now, it won't feel like this forever. You're stronger than you think. You can get through this! You have already made a huge step in posting this and reaching out. That's a brave thing to do so well done for that. The little things matter more than you think. Take each step at a time, but don't give up. Don't give i to the voices. You are stronger than that. 

    x

    Shadowofus
  • Ed_Ed_ Posts: 90 Staff Moderator
    Hey @Shadowofus

    As Candlestick said, hope you are doing okay, sounds like there has been a lot going on for you right now.

    We know it can be tough to reach out at moments of crisis, but you've shown real strength in speaking to your cpn and the RAIDD team. How did it go speaking to your CPN today?

    There are also a few places that can be good to reach out at times of crisis:
    • Crisis Messenger: text THEMIX to 85258
    • Samaritans: call 116 123
    • Emergency services: if you ever feel at risk, call 999.
    You mentioned the voices are getting stronger, have you looked at the Voice Collective? They have a number of resources that can help with this. 

    Take care,

    Ed
    “Sometimes it is the people no one can imagine anything of who do the things no one can imagine.” 
    ― Alan Turing
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    Yeah went really well with my CPN yesterday. I'm finally getting some support but I feel like this is only because I made a serious suicide attempt. She is getting the duty worker to call me today and on Monday and then I see my psychiatrist Thursday. She is off next week but she is going to call me next Monday when she is back. She spoke to my psychiatrist and he has upped my meds. 
    Laine
  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 124 Moderator
    Hiya @Shadowofus

    It's great to hear that you had a good session with your CPN yesterday, and that you're getting some support now. Feel free to keep us updated when you speak to the duty worker and psychiatrist and let us know how you're doing, we all care about you

    Caroline 
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,326 Fanatical Poster
    Yeha feel free to to keep us updated shadow :)

    It sounds really positive you're getting support. How are you feeling about it all?  Xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    Get a hold of yourself. Who will be better from this?. No one. You have to live and make choices every day.
    What do you mean get hold of yourself and who will be better from this?🤔
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    edited December 2018
    I don't know how I am feeling Laine. A little bit sad because my suicide attempt didnt work, I cant really go into too much detail on here as to why I am feeling sad but I still feel like ending my own life.


    TW

  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,326 Fanatical Poster
    Do you feel safe shadow?

    Have you talked to anyone about this?  X

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    edited December 2018
    Waited 5hours for an ambulance lastnight because I am in a lot of pain and I was vomitting. I'm just out and I vomitted on someones shoes😯 I am safe right now because the last thing I can think of is doing it again while I am vomitting but we'll see what the next couple of days bring. Yeah I have talked to other people about it.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    Just wanted to pop in to send hugs shadowofus :heart: 

    How are you feeling?


    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Shadowofus
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    Still very sick my mum reckons I need my stomach pumped. I have a gp appointment in a bit because A&E told me to see my gp if I don't stop vomitting after 2days.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    Hope you feel better soon, 

    Do keep us updated if you need to talk some more.. :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Shadowofus
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 1,862 Staff Moderator
    Hey @Shadowofus

    I hope your GP appointment goes okay today, let us know how you get on :) 

    It's really positive you're getting more support from your CPN, I really hope this helps with everything.  It sounds like you've been really struggling recently, can you tell us a bit more about what's been going on? We're all here to support you :) 

    Yesterday you mentioned you were having thoughts about ending your life. How are you feeling today? When you're having these thoughts, do you feel like you can reach out to somewhere like Samaritans or Crisis Messenger for support? 

    Keep fighting through everything, things will get better. Stay strong <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    Gp said all is normal the only thing she said was if I keep vomitting to go back to A&E. She said it's best not to give me antisickness because it's probably best for the acid inside of me to come out so she dosent want to stop that happening.

    My CPN is off this week, the duty worker was meant to call me today but hasent yet. So think they've forgot or my CPN forgot to ask the duty worker.

    I don't really know whats going on, stuff that has happened to me is too painful to live through now and it's just getting harder and harder. I've decided that I want to die now.

    Yeah I am still having thoughts of ending my life well more than thoughts but I know cant be said on here. Thing is, things won't get better.
    *BananaMonkey*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    Sending hugs,

    There is support available if you need to talk, stay safe. We are here for you :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Shadowofus
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 588 Extreme Poster
    Just wanted to send hugs and say we're here if you want to talk. I'm really sorry to hear you are hurting at the moment but you are not alone, we all care about you here <3
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    Shadowofus
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    edited December 2018
    Now is a very paticular difficult time not to make another hopefully succesful suicide. I think I'll be contacting the Sam's soon.

    TW


  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    How are you feeling? 

    Did you contact the Samaritans? 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    edited December 2018
    Shitty🤢 made to feel shitty, worthless. I just looked out my window and saw my support worker and my friend getting into an ambulance. My friend is having chest pains. My support worker could of come and seen me. I've just harmed myself again, I don't really understand why because I'm just going to be in more pain and vomit more.

     

    TW

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    edited December 2018
    Shitty🤢 made to feel shitty, worthless. I just looked out my window and saw my support worker and my friend getting into an ambulance. My friend is having chest pains. My support worker could of come and seen me. I've just harmed myself again, I don't really understand why because I'm just going to be in more pain and vomit more. 

     

    TW

    Sending hugs, are you safe at the minute?

    We care about you, your not alone. 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    Yeah
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    Do seek help if you need medical attention, :heart: 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Shadowofus
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 1,862 Staff Moderator
    Hey @Shadowofus

    I've just sent you a PM to check in with you privately but I also wanted to comment on here too :) 

    It's reassuring to hear that you're feeling safe at the minute. Is there anyone with you at the moment you can talk to? Do you feel like you can talk to your support worker when she gets back or someone else about how you're feeling? 

    If you're not feeling safe and having thoughts about ending your life you can always reach out to one of these organisations below:

    • Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis. 
    • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
    • Papyrus - offer non-judgemental support, advice and information to young people. You can call them at 0800 068 4141. They are open Mon-Fri 10am-10pm and 2-10pm on weekends.
    • If you have any concerns for your health or safety call 999.

    Stay strong <3

    Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 5,298 The Mix Elder
    edited December 2018
    Hope you get the support & care you need/ want. We are here for you aswell. Sorry you’re feeling so hopeless & suicidal:(   <3
    The moon taught me: its okay to go through phases. 🌙 The sun taught me : no matter how many times you go down, keep rising🌤
    Shadowofus
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    hey @Shadowofus

    How are you feeling now? :heart: 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    edited December 2018
    Awful so awful I could just cry thinking about how to stay within the guidlines about what to write. Today has been really bad. Urges to kill myself all day cant say how but I've avoided it up to now but dont know if I can tonight. I tried contacting the Samaritans lastnight but they werent any help. I seriously think it would be ashame if I wasent here for Christmas, if I died just before Christmas at least all my pressents of me for people are all under my tree. I feel so hopeless. I havent really got any words. My friend knows what I want to do and she is I think trying to keep me with her but I just want to go upstairs. Today has been much worser than yesterday or the day before


    TW

    Riley
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    So sorry to hear how low your feeling,

    If things get difficult for you and you feel in crisis, maybe go to a&e or ring 999 if you need to. 

    We are here for you though :heart: 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • RileyRiley Posts: 288 Super Moderator
    Hey there @Shadowofus .

    Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment, it sounds like you're struggling a lot and I hope things start looking up for you soon. You said you were feeling worse yesterday so I just wanted to ask how are you feeling today?

    You also mentioned that contacting The Samaritans didn't help much, have you spoken to any other support organisations out there? The boards are always a great place to talk through how you're feeling but if you need more support there are always a lot of options.

    - Riley
  • ShadowofusShadowofus Posts: 19 Fast Newbie
    edited December 2018

    Evan more worse than yesterday or the day before. My friend just come up because I text her what I was doing she said to text my support worker because I am trying to harm myself but she has finished now. My mum got really angry with me because she said it's stupid that I want to end my own life.


    Yeah, I have tried a couple of support organisations. I evan phoned my team but I missed the call back and they are closed now.

    *BananaMonkey*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,049 The Mix Elder
    Sending hugs, :heart: 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    Shadowofus
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