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I've lost friends because I was so negative all the time so I try hard to to show how I feel but I worry that I'm just a burden to everyone.
Yeah i feel like that alot.. Im not depressed alot but im not lively either
Mr. Boring
Soon there will be nothing left but a heart that's too scared to beat.
I find it so difficult to know that everyone is having fun without me. I'm jealous. I want to laugh too.
Nope, cause my flatmate hates me.
I really don't know what's going on with me anymore. I feel like I've gone back to how I used to be four years ago - fucked up, not eating...
Are you sure your not suffering paranoia, as well as the not eating. I can only suggest you see your GP. Get some happy pills. Maybe then you'll stop feeling a lost cause and depressed. There is nothing quite like looking at life trough rose tinted glasses (PROZAC):)
I am not taking pills.
You would be better asking this in a different part of the forum.
How are you feeling now after your vent yesterday - did it help?
Sound's like there a few things that are going on for you which are coming together to make you feel quite frustrated. I know that you've posted before and use The site - have you checked out the information pages? there are some really good ideas, stories and info on there to look through. :thumb:
Try to look at and deal with one part at a time - prioritise what you need to deal with first.
It's definitely worth getting the referral from your GP about the pain you are in, as you can't always believe everything you read. It may also be a good idea to talk to someone at your Uni about how you are feeling there. Uni takes up a large part of your life and it's important that you feel in control of it. Try the Students Union for advice on who to speak to.
Take care and keep posting, that's what we are here for
what an utterly stupid thing to say.
i hope you feel better soon DH
If you do make sure it's clean. I used to use one and some scars havent healed still -2 years on.
take care
So recently ive been a little depressed. It lasted longer than normal and threw my uni work off track for a while.
I'm feeling happier now. Back to my old self, but ive started self harming again after so many years not doing it. I have no reason to do it, well non that comes to mind. I tend to do it when i get bored, theres no emotional reason- no stress or angst. I use to do as a way of venting anger, but im happy. I spend a lot of time alone at night cos my housemates are all rubbishly unsocial and stay in their rooms. I havent had a tough time. uni is going well, my friends are well and family.
So its a little baffling as to why ive gone back to it! And as soon as i do it i'm wanting to do it again. I dont want it to take over again but i dont want to stop. Dilema!
When I was twelve I started self harming down to being bullied for my physical apperance, I've been bullied since Nursery so everything got too much for me. When I cut myself I never felt ashamed at all, I felt a sence of pleasure and relief, I carried on for so long it became part of my routine. When ever I got a sharp object I cut myself. Then I got help and I managed to stop coming towards year nine.
At about May, June last year I was doing my Duke Of Edinburgh Bronze, but before that I stopped eating, I'd make sure that I had a book in my bag and sit on the stairs in school at lunch and read. I have literally two calories a day and that was in a bottle of flavoured water. When I went away on Duke Of Edinburgh I wouldn't eat at all, I'd run all around the campsite and tell myself that I need to get rid of the calories, even though I've not had any. When Lunch, Tea or any snacks came I'd hide in the tent and pretend to be asleep, when we were up at Tarn Hows in the most incredible beauty spot one of the teachers had to force me to eat something otherwise we couldn't keep walking so I ate some tuna and a mars bar and drank plenty of water and then kept walking. On the actual expedition we were at a camp and we were having smash and sausage for tea, I didn't feel great so I just climbed into my tent and went to sleep, Katie, our team captin left some in a pan for me if I wanted any but I never touched it. The next morning we were walking up a lot of hills and I felt faint and sick, so I asked if we could sit down and I eventually ate three mars bars to get some energy.
I started eating properly again in August, when I told my counsellor at school that I feel depressed, I just want to cry and never stop she just said "It's part of being a teenager" she didn't realise how disressed I was, she didn't and still dosen't know about my eating mishap. I still feel the need to trace a pair of scissors over my arm but I get an elastic band and ping it against my wrist now...
I've rambled on a bit there, but that is what lead to my depression, feeling and being fat, being taunted etc.
xxx
My friend tried to kill herself, I had to call an ambulance to her house at 3am.
I've never been so scared in my life. Making the call, even when she begged me not to was terrifying but I know i did the right thing, only problem is that her parents think i'm responsible. Think I encouraged her to do it! Fucking mental. I would never in my life do that to someone..but yeah, so now i'm not allowed to talk to her, she texts me sometimes, but we cant talk properly anymore, she's getting assessed by doctors and stuff, but is refusing counselling, which i'm not sure is a good idea. She's still cutting, and is still suffering hallucinations..my other friends are worried about me, but i cant say whats going on because its not my place. I've stopped eating. I feel sick as soon as i do, even my own parents think I'm ill..and tonight I did something really stupid. I picked up scissors and cut my stomach. I felt better, but now i feel stupid for doing it.
Everything is just going all fucked up again, and i dont know how to stop it. I dont want to someone who cuts themselves, but then does anyone? Even my own doctor thinks im not worth it. "Lifestyle changes" i've to make. Wtf?
(I apologise for this, but i had to rant).
Well done to you for calling the ambulance. You should feel proud for saving you friends life. :thumb:
Her parents probably just want someone to blame; their emotions run high, they cant get their head around things and cant believe their daughter could do something like that. You just have to go with it.
You really should eat, you prob need to try and relax a little (as hard as it sounds) cos it might be stressing you out it seems. Maybe talk to someone about it? Get everything off you're chest, failing that write it down.
Have you harmed before? Its good you feel stupid for it cos that'll put you off if you feel like doing it again.
Hope things patch up for you
I agree with the fact that the parent's needed someone to blame for what she did, she's their daughter and it's the last thing they expected her to do and she did it. They will have high emotions even months, years after the incident they'll remember the day she did it although they may calm down a bit and realise that stopping you from seeing her isn't going to help their daughter.
You should try and eat, as hard as it sounds you've got to try for the sake of your own health and life. - If you're finding it really difficult to try then maybe talking to someone you trust is a good idea, same thing applies to the harming. - It's not easy opening up to anyone about the situation, if you put your mind to it and try then it may seem a lot easier. Perhaps counselling will help, you've gone through a terrible ordeal, as has your friend, if you can get to talk to her maybe suggest you go together for the first couple of sessions ? Talk things through, support each other.
I hope things get sorted soon.
xxx
Thank you guys, you're both right, I should eat. I've had 632 calories today. I've started counting. I don't know why. I only had salad, but its a start.
She told me she wouldn't tell me she was going to kill herself next time today, which scared me sooo much I threw up, and stupidly picked up the scissors again. I can't believe I did it again, I'm such a horrible hyprocite, I tell her not to cut, and here I am doing it aswell.
I know I need to see my doctor, again, but I've already been before, and he just said I needed to make lifestyle changes, and that would make me feel better. I don't even know what that means!
I'm starting to scare myself.
Sorry for moaning soo much on here.
Try to think things through next time you feel like harming. I have ever confidence that you'll stop soon. :thumb:
Is there anyone you can talk to thats not your doc? He seems a little flimsy!!
And forums were made for people to moan on! its good to have a rant!
Hope it gets better for you
Thanks
Um I dont know who else to talk too. I'm really not comfortable talking to anyone to be honest.
xx
I care too much about what people think of me, so I really don't feel all that comfortable discussing things with people...I only talk to my doctor because I have too, but I'm not sure who else I could feel comfortable talking to..
see with me i'm just too shy i think. i dont like people getting too close to me so i dont tell personal things to people. or be selective about what i say!
I told an ex about me once and he ran off, still to this day i havent seen him! 3 years later!!!! That also happened with a mate of mine...hmmm i see a pattern!!
Seriously? That's soo unfair. I would never run off when people tell me stuff, I've never done that. I try to help people,all the time. That's probably why i'm so down trying to help my friend.
I hope you find someone you can trust to talk to, and who will listen, you deserve that.