Idk what to do anymore (TW- mention of SH/SI and ED)

well I slipped up again this morning. I sh’d again and now I have to try and hide it whilst at work which is difficult when it’s hot and I work around a pool - why do I do this to myself. Worst of all is when I put it on my diary car N is going to ask about it and I won’t be able to say what happened because I don’t remember anything. All I know is that it hurt and is still hurting.
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last night my partner also found out about my SH from the other day and asked if I would talk to him about it and I said probably not.
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he also feels bad because we went to the pub last night after work till about 11 and then him and the other we were with went off to the club afterwards - they wanted me to come but I set the boundary of I’m not going as I had my dog and I’m not leaving him in the car or the caravan for over an hour alone (company policy also says I can’t). So instead I went home and stayed up till about 2am when my partner came home. He was a bit drunk and reaped the consequences of that early hours this morning and throughout today.
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Early hours of this morning when he saw my SH from the other day, I spoke to him about what I feel like with the situation at hand (ie going to the pub and then club etc). He told me he wants me to stop him from going and tell him when enough is enough, but I explained to him that I’m not ever going to do that because my head already makes me feel like a burden so dragging him away when he’s having fun will just make that voice louder. He still insisted that I do this, but again I put the boundary in place that I won’t be doing that ever. I also told him that I get very good at masking when we are out late and I kinda just have enough, I just mask to blend it and to pretend I’m enjoying myself. Don’t get me wrong most of yesterday evening was fun but I feel like I have to be the responsible one and the adult in the situation (like I was the eldest in the group) but this is what happened when we went away to conference too.
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I couldn’t sleep for a while and had very interrupted sleep as I was worrying about my partner because I knew he was drunk and being sick because of it and my brain just felt I needed to keep an eye on him when he was asleep to make sure he was okay.
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overall I’m just knackered and I know become Wednesday when I see N nothings gonna have changed at all. Which means she will question me on it all and honestly I don’t want to talk about it because 90% of it is due to work and she will tell me to reduce how much I work. Part of me just doesn’t want to turn up to the session at all and just call in sick or something like that

Sabah · April 6

Last night sounds exhausting, @Lottie5433. You did a great job setting boundaries there - you are not responsible for placing limitations on your partner, and always having to be the responsible one in a social situation can be draining. It sounds like there were some up sides to evening though.

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I want to double check, do you need any medical attention for today's SH? Are you still in any pain? I'm wondering, if you're comfortable sharing, what triggered it today?

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You don't have to change your entire life week to week, so it's absolutely okay if you don't feel like anything has changed since you last met N. You can take your time, take smaller steps. You said you feel 90% of it is work. I know you said earlier on you feel guilty taking a step back from work, but is there anything else you think is stopping you from taking a step back from work to focus on yourself? Do you think this could potentially be helpful to discuss with N? Is there any smaller steps you can take before drastically cutting hours at work that could help you?

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It makes complete sense why you'd feel knackered, the last 24 hours a lot has happened. Do you have any plans for this evening to help you relax or feel more rejuvenated?

Lottie5433 · April 6

hi @Sabah thabk you for your message, last night was draining. Yeah there were some upside like I made a few new friends and we are planning a games night at some point.
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I’m not sure if I need any medical attention really, I dressed it and not looked at it since, just hurts and is itchy because of the bandage I put on. But can change it or do anything to it whilst I’m at work and I don’t finish till 7. Yeah I am in a bit of pain still but just trying to ignore it. I honestly don’t know what triggered it, like went to get ready for work and the bag that everything I use was just in sight so I picked it up and did it like everything kinda just went dark I don’t remember any of it.
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You don't have to change your entire life week to week, so it's absolutely okay if you don't feel like anything has changed since you last met N. You can take your time, take smaller steps. You said you feel 90% of it is work. I know you said earlier on you feel guilty taking a step back from work, but is there anything else you think is stopping you from taking a step back from work to focus on yourself? Do you think this could potentially be helpful to discuss with N? Is there any smaller steps you can take before drastically cutting hours at work that could help you?

I can’t cut my hours drastically at work like I do have to do my 30hrs a week and I can’t use too many seasonal hours as I don’t have a budget to do that.
i think what’s stopping me to is that I know work can be a safe place for me at times because I’m around people who know me and like my GM knows when I’m not great and knows that anything admin wise engages my brain and helps me get out of my head - very contradictory of how I feel about work currently though 😂

It might be worth talk to N about it but it’s like I don’t know want her to suggest getting signed off or anything because then that’s just a lot of paperwork to go through to actually come back to work and I can’t exactly do that as we are in peak holiday season at the moment.
the only other smaller steps I could take is not being on site at all on my days off and not answering any messages or emails from work, but then I feel bad as I’m the supervisor/manager and am first point of call for my team.
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at the moment I have no plans for this evening part of me wants to have a drink to numb everything out and part of me want to start vaping again but my asthma is bad currently so not a great idea if I do that. I’m hoping my partner just wants a chill evening or we might end up seeing his dad or going shopping but I don’t know. I’ve got another 6hrs before I leave work

Sabah · April 6

@Lottie5433 making new friends sounds amazing, and a games night sounds brilliant. How do you feel about that?

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If the pain doesn't go away or if anything gets worse, would be willing to get some medical attention? After work maybe?

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Perhaps you could discuss with N options that don't include getting signed off at work? Your smaller step idea sounds brilliant - not working/making yourself available when you are not contracted to work sounds like a great way to keep that work/life balance. It sounds like you're a wonderful supervisor, but you absolutely deserve to have a clear line between work and personal life too. Is this something you think you'd be willing to give a try?

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A chill evening / going to see your partner's dad / or going shopping all sound like great ways to spend the evening. I'm hearing you are getting the urge to drink or vape, apart from the above ways to distract yourself, what things have you tried before to lessen the urges? Are you willing to try any of them?

Lottie5433 · April 6

hi @Sabah sorry for the late response I’ve been slammed at work and exhausted in general.
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A games night sounds really good I just don’t want to ever be out too late so need to set my boundary again if and when we do this

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I don’t really want medical attention even if I did need it. The pain got somewhat better just hurts with certain movements etc.

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I could discuss it with N but I just don’t see any other way other than getting signed off etc. I can try and make that work life and personal life separate but it’s very hard as I like helping out and being there for others like today when I went in 1.5hrs earlier than scheduled.
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I’ve tried distraction techniques before and TIPP skills and other things I’ve learnt through group skills session with DBT. But a lot of the time they don’t help and I get frustrated and annoyed because I feel it’s me not trying hard enough.

Billie · April 7

Hey Lottie , no need to apologise - it sounds like you had so much going on yesterday.

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It's great that you're looking forward to having a games night! Sounds really fun. And it is really good that you know you need to set that boundary of not being out too late, it's really important to prioritise your wellbeing like that.

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I hear that you don't want or think you need medical attention, but please remember that NHS 111 is there for advice if you do start to worry about the pain or it gets any worse.

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It is really difficult to get that work and personal life balance right, especially when you like helping out and being there for those that you work with. Is there anything you can think of that might make getting that balance easier? I wonder if you could try working only your contracted hours for a week and see how that makes you feel?

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It is great that you have those techniques to try when you feel you need them, but if they don't work for you in the moment then that is not a reflection of how hard you are trying. You are so strong to continue trying to find the things that will work for you and learning these new techniques and skills is something that takes time.

Lottie5433 · April 7

https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/comment/3824246#Comment_3824246

thank you @Billie

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The pains now gone so no need for me to reach out to 111 or anything like that.
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I am looking forward to the games night and that I do need to set these boundaries to not be out late etc.

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I’m not sure what would make my work life balance easier. Working my contracted hours of a week is hard to do just with opening times of the complex varying based on the season we are in.

Billie · April 7

Hi Lottie, do you know what games you plan to play? Board games or gaming on a console - or other? Its nice to have something like that to help get to know people more!

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I hear that, it must be a difficult thing to balance especially when you are at busy times of the season. How has today been for you? Will you have any time to rest?

Lottie5433 · April 7

hi @Billie

The games night will likely be a mixture of card games, board games and online console games - like we played imposter at the pub and I was very good at hiding that I was the imposter 😆

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Well I started at 3pm today and am here till 9pm but like I was working before even starting my shift as I was working from 8am - 1pm and then came in 30minutes earlier to my shift as I had to send over some numbers to my general manager.
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I’m not sure if I’ll get much chance to rest today. Need to email N my diary card but also mention to her that I don’t want to do the session tomorrow.
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also have to go into work tomorrow as well briefly to sort out my rota with the HSM as I’ll be covering reception whilst 1 person goes off for an operation. But have said I can’t do a certain week as I’m hoping to go on holiday

Lottie5433 · April 8

well I’m not having a day off really now. Today was supposed to be my day off as I’d have therapy then be done for the day and wouldn’t be going into work. However I’m now doing another late shift as I’m Covering one of my staff due to a family emergency.
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dreading talking to N now though

Billie · April 8

Hey @Lottie5433, oh that games night does sound fun! I hope you can get it planned in soon so you have some time to enjoy yourself and spend time with friends.

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Sounds like you had a super busy day yesterday and I'm sorry that what was meant to be a day off after therapy has turned into another work day. It can be so hard when plans change like that and mean we can't get in the rest we had planned. It does sound hopeful that you may be able to go on holiday when you have your week off - you deserve some rest and time to yourself.

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I hear that you're dreading talking to N today, what are you finding most daunting about that conversation? If you don't mind sharing.

Lottie5433 · April 8

hi @Billie

It’s just talking about everything

Just finished the session and I felt so disconnected and not present that whole session

I just don’t want to go back

Billie · April 8

Hi Lottie, I hear that today's session was really difficult. It is understandable that talking about how you've been feeling and what you've been going through feels overwhelming. You are doing so well to continue to show up for yourself and share, here or in sessions.

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It must be hard to feel so disconnected during your session - thank you for sharing this, I realise it isn't always easy putting the way we are feeling into words.

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I hear that you don't want to go back, having that reaction after a tough session is understandable, but I wonder if you could talk to N about feeling this way?

Lottie5433 · April 8

https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/comment/3824294#Comment_3824294

Hi, yeah today’s session was difficult.
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I kinda knew I’d likely be disconnected in the session before I got there just with I’ve got a lot on my mind with work and that. I did mention how I set boundaries with my partner and how I told him about how I felt etc.

like I know I’m meant to be present in the session but I couldn’t make any eye contact and if I did it was very short. I spent most of the time drawing which N doesn’t mind if I do that.

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I could talk to N but I won’t see here for 2 weeks now so I don’t know if I just email her with how I felt after the session or what but then I don’t want her to phone me as she said she’d just phone me and I mentioned I dislike phone calls, she told me I have to practice them

Lottie5433 · April 8

Drafted an email to N about what’s happened after the session and how I felt.
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I know feel I need to mask what’s going on for me because my partner has said he’s not in a great mental space currently. I’ve messaged him to say I’m here for him and if he wants he can talk to me. I doubt he will though only because last time he was off I was too and it just ended up bad really

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Kinda stuck what to do, also spoke to BEAT today and they said I should speak to my gp about my ed behaviours and see what support I can get considering I’m already in DBT and can’t do another therapy as well

Billie · April 9

Hey Lottie, I wanted to check in with how you are feeling after having written the email to N? Do you think it would help to send it?

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It's really understandable to struggle with being present sometimes, you have a lot going on. I know it can be easy to look back and review a session or a moment after it has happened, but try not to be down on yourself - going to the session is a really big thing to do after a difficult week.

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I'm so sorry you feel the need to mask what is going on for you because your partner is struggling. You clearly care about the people around you, but I just want to assure you that you deserve to be listened to and support at this time too.

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It sounds really tough to be reaching out for support but still feeling stuck for what to do, you don't have to have everything figured out yet. We are here to support you on that journey.

How are you feeling about talking to your GP about that?

Lottie5433 · April 9

https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/comment/3824338#Comment_3824338

hi @Billie, I’m not sure how I feel about it like there is a bit of relief that I’ve wrote it but then it’s anxiety about sending it really. I think it might help but then I don’t want to even discuss what went on that day afterwards just because I had a lot of unhealthy thoughts and actions and like I usually do I blocked it all out and can’t think about what actually happened
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Well I’m still masking with my partner, he’s told me why he’s struggling and that down to work and not getting a thank you or being praise for everything he’s doing and how he feels he’s not appreciated at all currently.
he’s also picked up on that somethings not right with me just because I went to see him before work and he asked if I was okay and I said I didn’t know and he noticed how I was teary. I just said i feel like I do because of the rough session yesterday with N and then just feeling I can’t express how I’m feeling to anyone or anything
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I don’t want to talk to my gp about it they are rubbish. They are meant to be still monitoring my blood results because of the history of an eating disorder and mess up electrolytes, but also to check liver functions as they’ve fluctuated a lot and to monitor my folic acid deficiency (not check that since I was diagnosed in 2024).
I have a phone call with the gp on the 21st to discuss my medication after the pharmacy emailed them but in all honesty I’m going to ask to have them back to being monthly as it’s annoying me having a weekly one as being in hospitality I can’t always get the the pharmacy the same time each week for my meds and then they moan when I don’t collect them. But might also ask if I can just have meds that can be a PRN and I just take it when needed (when anxiety is high), then it’s talking to them about different meds because after being on so many antidepressants, I’ve not found they work in the long run, work for about a month then stop working

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Sorry to rant about all this really. I just feel like I never get heard in what I say. Like when I told the GP I was self harming (marks on show etc) and they didn’t care, I was 16 and it took them till I was 21 to give a shit and refer me to the mental health team

Idk what to do anymore (TW- mention of SH/SI and ED)

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