Idk what to do anymore (TW- mention of SH/SI and ED)

well I slipped up again this morning. I sh’d again and now I have to try and hide it whilst at work which is difficult when it’s hot and I work around a pool - why do I do this to myself. Worst of all is when I put it on my diary car N is going to ask about it and I won’t be able to say what happened because I don’t remember anything. All I know is that it hurt and is still hurting.
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last night my partner also found out about my SH from the other day and asked if I would talk to him about it and I said probably not.
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he also feels bad because we went to the pub last night after work till about 11 and then him and the other we were with went off to the club afterwards - they wanted me to come but I set the boundary of I’m not going as I had my dog and I’m not leaving him in the car or the caravan for over an hour alone (company policy also says I can’t). So instead I went home and stayed up till about 2am when my partner came home. He was a bit drunk and reaped the consequences of that early hours this morning and throughout today.
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Early hours of this morning when he saw my SH from the other day, I spoke to him about what I feel like with the situation at hand (ie going to the pub and then club etc). He told me he wants me to stop him from going and tell him when enough is enough, but I explained to him that I’m not ever going to do that because my head already makes me feel like a burden so dragging him away when he’s having fun will just make that voice louder. He still insisted that I do this, but again I put the boundary in place that I won’t be doing that ever. I also told him that I get very good at masking when we are out late and I kinda just have enough, I just mask to blend it and to pretend I’m enjoying myself. Don’t get me wrong most of yesterday evening was fun but I feel like I have to be the responsible one and the adult in the situation (like I was the eldest in the group) but this is what happened when we went away to conference too.
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I couldn’t sleep for a while and had very interrupted sleep as I was worrying about my partner because I knew he was drunk and being sick because of it and my brain just felt I needed to keep an eye on him when he was asleep to make sure he was okay.
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overall I’m just knackered and I know become Wednesday when I see N nothings gonna have changed at all. Which means she will question me on it all and honestly I don’t want to talk about it because 90% of it is due to work and she will tell me to reduce how much I work. Part of me just doesn’t want to turn up to the session at all and just call in sick or something like that

Sabah · April 6

Last night sounds exhausting, @Lottie5433. You did a great job setting boundaries there - you are not responsible for placing limitations on your partner, and always having to be the responsible one in a social situation can be draining. It sounds like there were some up sides to evening though.

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I want to double check, do you need any medical attention for today's SH? Are you still in any pain? I'm wondering, if you're comfortable sharing, what triggered it today?

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You don't have to change your entire life week to week, so it's absolutely okay if you don't feel like anything has changed since you last met N. You can take your time, take smaller steps. You said you feel 90% of it is work. I know you said earlier on you feel guilty taking a step back from work, but is there anything else you think is stopping you from taking a step back from work to focus on yourself? Do you think this could potentially be helpful to discuss with N? Is there any smaller steps you can take before drastically cutting hours at work that could help you?

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It makes complete sense why you'd feel knackered, the last 24 hours a lot has happened. Do you have any plans for this evening to help you relax or feel more rejuvenated?

Lottie5433 · April 6

hi @Sabah thabk you for your message, last night was draining. Yeah there were some upside like I made a few new friends and we are planning a games night at some point.
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I’m not sure if I need any medical attention really, I dressed it and not looked at it since, just hurts and is itchy because of the bandage I put on. But can change it or do anything to it whilst I’m at work and I don’t finish till 7. Yeah I am in a bit of pain still but just trying to ignore it. I honestly don’t know what triggered it, like went to get ready for work and the bag that everything I use was just in sight so I picked it up and did it like everything kinda just went dark I don’t remember any of it.
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You don't have to change your entire life week to week, so it's absolutely okay if you don't feel like anything has changed since you last met N. You can take your time, take smaller steps. You said you feel 90% of it is work. I know you said earlier on you feel guilty taking a step back from work, but is there anything else you think is stopping you from taking a step back from work to focus on yourself? Do you think this could potentially be helpful to discuss with N? Is there any smaller steps you can take before drastically cutting hours at work that could help you?

I can’t cut my hours drastically at work like I do have to do my 30hrs a week and I can’t use too many seasonal hours as I don’t have a budget to do that.
i think what’s stopping me to is that I know work can be a safe place for me at times because I’m around people who know me and like my GM knows when I’m not great and knows that anything admin wise engages my brain and helps me get out of my head - very contradictory of how I feel about work currently though 😂

It might be worth talk to N about it but it’s like I don’t know want her to suggest getting signed off or anything because then that’s just a lot of paperwork to go through to actually come back to work and I can’t exactly do that as we are in peak holiday season at the moment.
the only other smaller steps I could take is not being on site at all on my days off and not answering any messages or emails from work, but then I feel bad as I’m the supervisor/manager and am first point of call for my team.
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at the moment I have no plans for this evening part of me wants to have a drink to numb everything out and part of me want to start vaping again but my asthma is bad currently so not a great idea if I do that. I’m hoping my partner just wants a chill evening or we might end up seeing his dad or going shopping but I don’t know. I’ve got another 6hrs before I leave work

Sabah · April 6

@Lottie5433 making new friends sounds amazing, and a games night sounds brilliant. How do you feel about that?

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If the pain doesn't go away or if anything gets worse, would be willing to get some medical attention? After work maybe?

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Perhaps you could discuss with N options that don't include getting signed off at work? Your smaller step idea sounds brilliant - not working/making yourself available when you are not contracted to work sounds like a great way to keep that work/life balance. It sounds like you're a wonderful supervisor, but you absolutely deserve to have a clear line between work and personal life too. Is this something you think you'd be willing to give a try?

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A chill evening / going to see your partner's dad / or going shopping all sound like great ways to spend the evening. I'm hearing you are getting the urge to drink or vape, apart from the above ways to distract yourself, what things have you tried before to lessen the urges? Are you willing to try any of them?

Lottie5433 · April 6

hi @Sabah sorry for the late response I’ve been slammed at work and exhausted in general.
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A games night sounds really good I just don’t want to ever be out too late so need to set my boundary again if and when we do this

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I don’t really want medical attention even if I did need it. The pain got somewhat better just hurts with certain movements etc.

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I could discuss it with N but I just don’t see any other way other than getting signed off etc. I can try and make that work life and personal life separate but it’s very hard as I like helping out and being there for others like today when I went in 1.5hrs earlier than scheduled.
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I’ve tried distraction techniques before and TIPP skills and other things I’ve learnt through group skills session with DBT. But a lot of the time they don’t help and I get frustrated and annoyed because I feel it’s me not trying hard enough.

Idk what to do anymore (TW- mention of SH/SI and ED)

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