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Comments
hi @eylah, I’m okay for the last part today just tired
hi @billie, I just don’t want to think about it like it just wasn’t a good evening and I know I should have handled it differently. I did have a day off work today for the most part. Was meant to take my dad to the hospital but didn’t so ended up helping in the garden today
Hey @Lottie5433 I've just taken a look at your clay designs - they are so good! I love the snake that you made.
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I understand, it is easy to look back on situations and wish we handled things differently, but try not to give yourself a hard time over it. You have been dealing with so much recently. How was helping in the garden? Is that something that you find enjoyable?
hi @Billie thank you, I do like my snake or the octopus
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I’ll try not to give myself a hard time over it but I find it hard to. Like I will hold my self responsible for everything and I’ll internalise it.
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Helping in the garden was okay, I built 3 planters with my partner and we started building steps to the decking we have. It is something I do enjoy
That sounds brill @Lottie5433 ! It's nice sometimes to get out in the garden and three planters sound great. You'll have a beautiful garden space in no time.
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You seem very self aware that you do give yourself a hard time over a lot. You absolutely deserve some grace, and I know that can be difficult to do sometimes. What do you do when you catch yourself being harsh towards yourself? Is there anything that helps?
If you would ever wish to share any photos of your planters, @Lottie5433 , or different plants in your garden, it would be beautiful to see! No pressure around this too.
So wonderful to hear that gardening is something that's been enjoyable and bringing a little bit of joy in this difficult time
thank you @Sabah , it is nice to get out into the garden and that in order to do this stuff I get to use power tools 😆. Well my parents will have a beautiful garden at the end as I’m just helping them out.
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My older sister who has a house has asked if I can go to hers and sort her garden out - but haven’t done that yet as I’ve been very busy with work and helping my parents out.
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I don’t do anything when I catch myself being harsh mainly because in the moment I don’t realise I’m doing it it’s usually after I notice.
I might take some photos tonight of what I’ve done @Sian321 and share them as it’s the first time I’ve actually built anything really other than in DT class at school
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Yeah gardening is something I enjoy and has been for a while, like it’s one thing my parents know is good for me and how much enjoyment I get with using different tools etc. there was a time where I’d spend hours in the garden and I’d do coursework in the garden, or chill with the dog. However over time I didn’t get as much enjoyment but it seems to be coming back again 😆
Oh that's so wonderful, @Lottie5433 . I'm smiling as I read this!!
to be fair @Sian321 i was smiling when I wrote it too.
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I might get myself a little plant or try and grow a bonsai tree in the house as we don’t have room for a garden.
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Also here is a picture of a few things I done, ignore the mess it’s like a building site in my parents garden
The second image will eventually have a fountain there but just waiting for a pump
I’m not sure if you when I have this telephone consultation with my GP about my meds (because of the stupid pharmacist and email) if I ask to go back to having a months worth or even 2 weeks worth
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Like I only got put to weekly because CEDT had told them it would be best for me so I can’t stockpile them (that didn’t work though because I still did it) and then use them inappropriately.
Like I’ll see N before I speak to the GP so I don’t know if I mention it to her before asking my GP as N might be able to speak to them about it as well.
but I’m scared they will say No like both the GP and N because I did tell N 2 weeks ago that i did try ☠️ myself using them and we then spoke about what to do when that happens again
I’m just conflicted
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I did make a promise to my partner that I’d stay on them without a break for 2 months starting on Monday - as I got him to get me a new glass cup so I’d take them again
He said if I stop taking my meds though it will make him sad and angry as I made a promise
ur garden looks so lovely. hru doing today @Lottie5433 ? 🫂
thank you @eylah , it is my parents garden but I did call it him for 15 years or so.
im doing okay for the most part just exhausted as I was up late and then the clocks changing threw me as well 😆
is there anything nice you could do for yourself today? i am sending 🫂’s. im proud of you lottie. despite everything that is happening in ur life rn. ur keeping on going n im so incredibly proud of you. 🫂 always here for you if you ever needing someone to talk to. 🤍
thank you so much @eylah it means a lot to hear that from someone who only knows me over the internet.
well I’m working until 5pm but me and my partner might be baking some cakes or treats this evening but not sure yet. Just going to miss my dog tonight as he hasn’t stayed with me now for 3 days and that’s just due to either work, shopping or being out late with my partners dad
of course. i mean it when i say im proud of you bc i see the strength you’re putting into trying to get better. ❤️🩹
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that sounds lovely abt baking. what’s ur fav thing to bake?
@Lottie5433 your garden looks wonderful and the fountain is such a good idea. You'll absolutely have to keep us updated on how it goes (and how you end up doing your sister's once you eventually get round to it!). I love that you're into this as well!
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Speaking to N about the medication and your GP appointment sounds like a good idea. I can see how it's playing on your mind and you have such a good rapport with N that it does make sense to share. How are you feeling about your upcoming session with them?
thank you again.
My favourite thing to bake is either bread or oat pancakes (made with hand made oat flour and oat milk) it’s something I did as a ritual with my ED although I’d never taste or eat them at that point.
I will hopefully keep everything updated in regards to the garden @Sabah. The fountain is cool I just know my dog will have fun with it 😂.
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I’m not sure how I’m feeling really like she will ask if I found out what went on in group as I didn’t attend for 2 weeks as of Monday (I did let W and D know about this and they said they’d send me the stuff they went over but not received anything yet). I also know she will see my diary card and wonder what happened as I had a major increase in my behaviours and did engage in some of them and why I didn’t use any skills or phone the team for support.
I do hope she thinks the same as me in terms of my meds though
Hey @Lottie5433, I've just been reading through your thread, and it's so lovely to hear how you enjoy gardening and how your love for it has returned recently. Thanks for the photos of the planters that you've made, they look so good, I would have mistaken them for ones you'd bought from the shop if I didn't know you made them! It sounds like doing your parents garden and then maybe doing your sister's garden too might help you focus on those positive feelings. How does that sound?
I'm hearing that you're feeling unsure about talking to N regarding your recent feelings, which is completely understandable. It sounds like you feel she might be curious that you missed the group for 2 weeks and also what's been included in your diary card. Do you feel okay to talk with N about these on Wednesday so she can understand more and help you find a way to deal with this?
hi @Callum sorry for only now responding.
Yeah usually gardening or something like that helps me focus on the positives.
Well she will understand me missing group as it was because of work and I cannot take a 2hr break just to do group. With the diary card I don’t really want to talk about it I don’t don’t want to think about it really
I’m so annoyed with work right now.
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all I want to do is go on holiday with my partner and have a break from work but that doesn’t seem possible anymore.
I hate having 2 roles at work. Sometimes I don’t know where I should be.
Like being contracted 30hrs means I have to balance that between the leisure and reception when needed, then this means I’m either working too much or I’m using too many seasonal hours.
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I’m just hating everything right now
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I don’t know if it’s because I’m on my meds but I feel numb in a way but more angry and frustrated as well
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Just kinda want to give up with everything but I know I can’t do that really but I wish I could
Hi @Lottie5433, it is really great that you have found enjoyment in gardening again! It's so nice and worthwhile to revisit those things that have brought us joy in the past and I'm loving the photos of the planter and fountain area you've made - they look incredible!
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I understand that talking about the diary card with N is something that you are not looking forward to, it can be so difficult to share with others when you've been going through a tough time. How have you felt after sharing your diary card with N in the past?
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That does sound really difficult having those two roles at work and feeling like you don't know where you are supposed to be because of that. Is that something you could speak to someone at work about? You deserve that clarity around your job as it sounds like it makes it so hard to do otherwise.
thank you @Billie
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I’ve felt fine speak with N about the diary cards before like weve only done it one (well twice now) and like today she thinks when I had my last episode of SH that I had stress transient dissociation as I couldn’t remember past about 8pm until the following morning.
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I could speak to my gm but I don’t want to disappoint her as I’m always willing to help out
It takes a lot of courage to open up to anyone about times you've been struggling, it sounds like sharing the diary card with N might have been helpful for you?
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It can be hard approaching a conversation like that with a manager when you are worried about disappointing them. But I wonder if asking for some support in that area may make the job feel more doable as it sounds like you have a lot to balance. Of course, its always fine if you just need to vent here too! Its normal to have those days/weeks at work that make you feel stressed and talking about it can really alleviate some of that.
hi @Billie
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it felt okay talking to N about my diary card and like it was useful in a way, but now she’s challenging me to write down when these episodes of SH or SI happen so we can see what the trigger is.
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I guess I could but I don’t want to, like it’s not that bad really like I just overwork myself and get exhausted and then burnout to a point where I come to work I’ll really
found out yesterday in my therapy session that I likely get stress transient dissociation. Based on this I’ve done a google search and everything and it’s linked to BPD and PTSD, I don’t think I have PTSD as I haven’t experienced anything traumatic as such, but this isn’t the first time that what I experience links to BPD.
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I’m unsure if I go done a google search and see what else with BPD I resonate with and then write that all down and see what my GP or N says. But my GP probably won’t care too much like since getting my mental health assessment in 2023 they don’t seem to care too much only when I try OD-ing or when my electrolytes are way off where they should be or when the pharmacy make a stupid comment.
on the other hand I think N would be more receptive to it, like she quite often mentions BPD and like when I got referred to CEDT it was suggested that my diagnosis of anxiety and depression would need looking at as the mental health practitioner at the GP surgery mentioned possible personality disorder.
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I’m just unsure how to go about talking about it or getting my diagnosis reevaluated.
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on a plus N was impressed that I didn’t have any suicidal thoughts or behaviours. I also said to her that I could lie on the diary card and she told me that if I do that I won’t be helping myself and then why would I agree to therapy if I didn’t want anything to change
Hey Lottie, glad to hear that talking about your diary card is useful to you, how are you feeling about N's challenge to write down those episodes?
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It must be hard to feel that your GP won't care about what you are now thinking in regards to BPD, but good to hear that you think N will be more receptive. I'm wondering if you could bring up BPD with N in a similar way to how you have brought it up here? You deserve to be able to explore the thoughts and feelings you have about your own mental health and to have the right support.
I’m not really liking the challenge because it means I have to acknowledge that it’s all happening and not block it all out
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I might bring it up to N but I’m not really sure
this evening is working out perfectly
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life is just not working for me
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I feel so stupid right now
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I feel like I’m complaining about things I should be. Saying I’m exhausted when my partner has it worse - working over a month straight, where as I can have a day off
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Try to give myself time away from work like N had told me too but then I feel bad when I let my partner down coz he asks for help at work and I say I can’t
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I just don’t want to do this anymore
I need a break from everything and everyone
Hey @Lottie5433 this evening sounds rough right now. You're not complaining at all, and you absolutely do deserve time away from work to help yourself cope. It sounds like a lot has happened and now things feel incredibly overwhelming.
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You've said you've SH'd, and I want to check, do you need any medical attention?
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I also want to check if you are safe right now? Or if you think you will be able to keep yourself safe tonight?