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Comments
Hi @Sian321
there was a few things that were going unsaid and assumptions being made - like I told him that certain things don’t help. For example - sometimes I will run my knuckles against a wall or hit a wall, when he sees me doing this he just goes and hits a wall too bit harder, and he thinks this will make me stop but it just makes me breakdown and think he has to 1-up me - I explained this to him and he just said “fine I’ll sit back and watch you hurt yourself” and just turned over so I started to silently cry because I had fucked up telling him all this that night. I feel more close to him when he just sits and listens and doesn’t interrupt me and that but also when he surprises me with cute messages or gifts - like he sent me a message after I made an attempt (I was subtly doing it at work and he found out) and it was heartfelt and made me cry and that made me feel close to him more because he didn’t judge he just wanted to understand what I was going through - (also then told me he had to tell J because he couldn’t stop thinking about it and how I went back to normal of going to work, then said J had to tell M my general manager about what happened because it happened on works grounds and police were called out)
Thank you @Sian321
it is great that I passed, just need an induction on my site before I can do anything. I didn’t get a breather I had one day off which was Friday to which I was working in the garden, and the been at work since so not much of a breather
I’m so stressed about everything.
im anxious about group tomorrow i dont want to go or join - hoping i can have my camera off as I will have jut come back from work.
Feel like im messing everything up with
Work
Mental health
Physical health
Relationship
Just everything
I don’t know what to do. I’m so done with like everything right now
Hi @Lottie5433 I know things have been rough for a while now, and it can be overwhelming trying to juggle all those things at once. It is impossible to be perfect at everything, and we can see how hard you are trying in all areas of your life. What is stopping you from wanting to join group tomorrow?
I'm hearing how frustrated and down you are, and I want to also check in with how you're dealing with it? Do you have a plan in place to keep yourself safe when things get too much like right now?
hi @Sabah , what’s stopping me going group is that I don’t like the idea of it - like yes it’s learning different DBT skills but it’s the thought of it being as a group instead of individual. The only benefit is that it’s online.
not really dealing with it, trying to bottle it down so it doesn’t show as much. I don’t have a plan to stay safe really, don’t care really if I’m safe tbh. I just know I have various SH items dotted around the house and also some in the car so I’ve got those “safety nets”. At the moment just had dinner with my partner and his family but then got to go home which idk what I’m gonna do
@Lottie5433 the group setting can be terrifying, and you're probably not the only one there that is anxious about it being a group rather than individual. It sounds like last night was tough. How are you doing today?
yeah that’s what I always feel like with any group apart from any sport group/team. There was only 3 today but I think there’s about 4 in total that are in this one.
yeah last night was tough
today I’ve been fine been at work and then do group and then work again. So just tired now
Hey @Lottie5433 I can hear how much the group session has been playing on your mind recently, in which it is normal to find that nerve-racking as @Sabah said. It sounds like your group was pretty small with only 3 in your group yesterday. Is that something that helped you through the session and made you feel more comfortable with there being less people in there?
I can hear how much you were struggling on Sunday night, but good to hear that yesterday was okay with work and then another group, followed by work again. Did you manage to find some time to relax last night I wonder? And how are you feeling today?
hi sorry for the late response been very busy at work currently.
yeah group has been playing on my mind a bit. Group has been quite small like I said it was only me and 2 others on Monday as 1 couldn’t make it so there’s 4 of us in total with 2 DBT therapists. It did make me feel a bit better with it being small but then I felt like there was more time for judgement and that. But overall it was good just very distracted and fidgety as I don’t like sitting down for too long without doing anything - didn’t help that we had to sit for about 5 minutes listening to a song and being mindful about it (topic for the next 2 weeks is mindfulness)
Monday I didn’t find any time to relax at all or yesterday really.
I had my individual DBT session with N today and that was okay we discussed a few things. She concerned that the way I felt after group this week might impact me going again and concerned for the amount of hours that I have been doing at work in order to keep the thoughts at bay. She’s challenged me to sit with the thoughts and acknowledge them and practice the mindfulness skills but idk if I can do that.
I’m just feeling frustrated in myself with everything
The slightest comment is making me feel really like “hot headed” and that I want to just scream and snap at everyone who talks to me (this is my emotional brain as N told me today). I don’t like this feeling and I know if I do snap at anyone it will likely be my partner and ill feel guilty and ashamed for doing it and then I’ll spiral and end up hurting myself - tbh it’s usually his comments that get to me. Like I know he’s just been promoted and is the manager but like I’ve said before I think he forgets what I’ve actually put into the department and that, I also know he wants to have a good year but he seems to forget that I’m aware of that but also aware of what works and fits. It’s like tomorrow we have a stock delivery coming and he wants me to come in and help with it but I just have a feeling that if I go in and help he’s going to be too controlling over it and it’s going to make me feel useless and then I’m going to take it out on myself, shut down, and regret even saying anything. Even writing this I’m getting hot headed about it.
Then there’s the whole thing of he will ask me what’s wrong, I’ll tell him and then he’ll start raising his voice and basically dismissing all my opinions. So I’ll go quiet and he will just keep asking me to talk.
last time this happened I shut down and went to my car and cried, then another time I stormed off. But also coz I’ll get annoyed at myself I’ll end up hitting myself or a wall, and then he will do it to “basically to 1-up me and get me to stop” but that doesn’t work and I’ve explained that to him and he just doesn’t get it.
All I want to do is go for a walk with the dog and sit on the beach or the cliff top and be on my own but I know if I don’t come home at 5 my partner will worry and message me to find out where I am as I have my location off. But if I tell him I need to be alone because my mental health is getting bad and it’s my way to cope with it - he will just worry and then likely phone the police (he’s said he’d do this if I ever went out in my car and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind).
im my head it’s like I can’t get a mental break from him but I know all this is out of love and wanting me to be safe etc
I just don’t know what to do anymore with anything
Hey @Lottie5433, thanks for sharing all of this. It's good to hear that you feel the group sessions went well with the group being smaller. It makes sense you'd feel like there's more room for judgement in the smaller groups and that you'd struggle focusing and sitting still for that period of time, but it sounds like the sessions went well for you, which is lovely to hear.
You are doing so well getting the support you are getting from the group but also individually from N. It makes sense she's concerned about whether you'd be okay with returning, how are you feeling about going to the next group session? I'm also wondering what's causing you to feel like you might not be able to practice the mindfulness skills that N taught you?
I'm hearing you feel frustrated and like you want to snap at everyone recently, which must be so overwhelming and intense, and has you feeling guilty if you snap at your partner which is understandable. It sounds like work is something that's causing you some stress at the moment, which is adding to these feelings of wanting to take it out on yourself.
Your partner dismissing your opinions must be so frustrating also, I can imagine that feels hurtful and like you're not being truly listened to, which is unfair given what you're dealing with. It sounds like you want to be alone at the moment, but that's something that would worry your partner which you wouldn't want to do. But then staying at home with your partner is something you feel you need a break from. That's such a tricky situation, I know how difficult it must feel for you.
How are you feeling today @Lottie5433? Did you manage to get some time on your own yesterday I wonder?
hi @Callum to be honest a lot has happened today and over the last few days that makes me not want to go to group anymore even more so to the individual sessions
I don’t feel I can practice the mindfulness skills because I know when I think about my thoughts everything goes downhill and I don’t want that to happen not this close to work getting up and running again with holidays.
As mentioned above today’s not been great and I don’t really want to go into detail about it all not right now just want to block it all out.
I didn’t get any time in my own yesterday and after today I don’t think I’ll get much alone time
because of everything that happened yesterday evening/afternoon, I’ve not slept much at all. My partner said he can’t by sleep unless I went to sleep, so I just lay there whilst he fell asleep and I’ve just been up all night more or less, thinking, listening to sad music and watch TikTok.
during this time I’ve contemplated hurting myself or worse (can’t do I want to do anymore though because we flushed my medication that I stockpiled - also thought about getting more OTC meds just so I have them). my brains been in overdrive.
Today I’m not going to go to work at all, going to take a break for a couple days I think if I can, and start thinking more about my thoughts etc. but also I’ve just got one task set in my mind that I need to do as it determines how I react and respond (my partner threw his watch into brambles yesterday evening and I need to find it - it my be broken or waterlogged but I just need to physically have it in my hand to settle my head and thoughts a bit more). He doesn’t want me to do this as he says the watch is gone and will be broken, but I can’t settle my mind without see it for myself - if it’s broken I’m fixing it or replacing it and he doesn’t want me to do this either
I’m also going to take this time off to write a letter to my partner and others because in all honesty I don’t think I can stick earth for much longer - for my partner I’m going to write all the notes I have in my phone out too so he can have those too. Then from there it’s just emailing the therapy team to say I’m not coming anymore and I’ve had my time - that way if I’m not at group they know why, and is N doesn’t see me she knows why.
I’m sorry for being here and just worrying about the little things that mean nothing. I don’t deserve to be here on the mix anymore - I’ve probably got a lot of points from this and previous messages to warrant me been kicked off, so I’ll make it easier and just take a break/leave.
Thank you for the support up till now really.
@Lottie5433 . are you safe rn? are you in immediate danger? we all care abt you here at the mix. you deserve to live a happy life. pls call someone.
I can’t call anyone I don’t want to burden them.
Since this morning I’ve just been masking pretending everything is fine.
I’ve started to write the letters and notes out debating if I need to write one to my GM so she can find someone else to take my role seen as I don’t think I’ll be staying.
For the time being I’m safe but that doesn’t matter anyways.
I can’t call anyone or anything like that
Hey @Lottie5433 it sounds like taking a step back is something you have made a decision on and we really want you to make a decision that you feel if the best for your safety. We completely understand that you feel like you can't tell anyone, but we want to reasure you that nothing that you are struggling with is a burden. We're not here to try and change your mind, but just wanted to ask you if you still feel that leaving here and therapy team is something you want to do? we're here to listen and support you.
You mentioned writing a letter to your partner, would you be able to go into a little more detail on this?
hi @Verity i just feel like being here cause more harm than good in the long run.
I do still feel Iike leaving here and therapy. Told my partner I’m changing Wednesdays therapy as I can go in person but there’s also that part of me that just doesn’t want to go as no I feel I’m wasting everyone’s time going there.
You mentioned writing a letter to your partner, would you be able to go into a little more detail on this?basically a letter to say goodbye really and just apologising for all the issues I’ve caused etc
Hey @Lottie5433 thanks for so transparent. Feeling like you are wasting other peoples time must be making it so hard to ask for help, we just wanted to reasure you that you are in no way a burden to the community and we're so sorry you feel this way, no one deserves that. I'm just wondering if you know when you might write this letter?
hi @Verity i wrote the letter last night on my phone just need to physically write it out
@Lottie5433 last night must have been hard for you, was there anyone that knew you were struggling in that moment?
I'm also wondering if you have an idea of when you will write it out?
@Verity my partner was with me when I broke down yesterday evening, but during the night I felt alone (my partner was sleeping and dint want to bother him) so just sat in bed with my thoughts spiralling and thinking of plans etc as my go to has been removed due to flushing the stockpiled mediation.
I did debate on messaging J but I didn’t want to worry him as he’s stressed with the upcoming season and running his own park - same as I’ve thought about messaging him throughout today to say I’m not doing great.
to be honest I will likely write out the letter tonight especially if I can’t sleep again , just need to find some envelopes to put them in and then hide them until the time is right
I hear you @Lottie5433 as daunting as it might sound, I'm sure J would be happy that you decided to reach out rather than keeping things inside, and I'm sure your partner would feel the exact same, feeling like you are a burden iss unfornately common when we are in negative headspaces. I'm just wondering if you are able to tell your partner about how you were feeling last night and today, how does that sound to you?
I really don’t want to @Verity , he doesn’t want to be reminded of what happened yesterday evening. I can grantee he doesn’t want to hear about what I went through on my own last night as it will just make him feel worse.
I might message J I’m not sure. I might see if I can visit him tomorrow and possibly go for a swim maybe
@Lottie5433 messaging J sounds like a great idea, I'm sure those in your life want the best for you and would be more than happy to know that you reached out for support. With your parnter, I'm sure it can feel like they don't want to hear, maybe from their responses or mood? but it could just be a reflection of tiredness/something they are going through themselves, it might not mean they don't care.
You mentioned that you planned on writing the note tonight, do you plan on taking your life in this moment?
@Verity im not sure yet.
@Lottie5433 that's okay, I wondered how you feel about sharing your note with N? do you think this would be helpful to get anothers perspective on how you are feeling and open conversation up for support?
maybe @Verity bit it’s getting to Wednesday when I see N. I Ali don’t really want to share it with anyone yet because I’m scared of why might be said about it.
I'm sure getting to wednesday might sound really hard right now, do you have a email or phone number for N that you could get in contact with beforehand? @Lottie5433
I have her email @Verity, she’s sorting out her works phone as it won’t turn on
@Lottie5433 I completely hear that sharing the note with N might sound scary right now, if you do feel that you are able to, sharing it via email could help N understand how you are feeling for your meeting, and if they are someone you feel more comfortable speaking to, you will hopefully not have to wait until then.
You mentioned going for a swim tomorrow and speaking to J, do you think this would help you feel more comfortable waiting until wednesday to speak to N?
hi @Verity talki g to J and going for a swim might help make it more bearable in order to make it till Wednesday when I seen N.
I also don’t want to share the letter over email really.
Only bad thing that’s come about this currently is that I’ve started drinking, not a lot but considering I don’t drink and haven’t since I was 18 is a lot I guess