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shout finally got back to me and only spoke for about 15mins before they ended it after waiting 6hrs
I’ve screwed everything else up, I’m fucking stupid and I shouldn’t have open my mouth about anything particularly to my boyfriend, I’m now ruining his time - he will say otherwise but I know I am
I’m a fucking screw up. And I don’t belong here
I’ve had to put my feelings aside and just shut them out, my partner came back about 1hr ago and has be sick since he got in.
I’ve briefly spoken to him about some things because he feels he isn’t supporting me and that he doesn’t mean to get angry and leave angry and I’ve told him that even when someone raises their voice slightly I internalise it and I shut down.
he’s asked me to no hurt myself anymore and I’ve said “I wish I could, but it’s hard to do that at the moment” and “it’s the only way I get relief from what’s inside me”. He just feels bad because he tells me to stop my behaviours but yet he can’t and he feels bad for that. I’ve tried to explain to him that it doesn’t matter and that these things will take time and we learn from it all.
I just feel I need to shut everything away for myself so I can help him and help him get through this moment
Heya @Lottie5433,
It sounds like these past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions for you, I hear how truly stressful, negative, and overwhelming it could have been, especially tied with the fact that you weren't sure if you should have gone in the first place. I wonder if you did end up sending that long message to your boyfriend again and if you spoke about it at all? I know he was feeling sick last late night, but it sounds like laying it all out for him like you did in that message is something which could feel cathartic and hopefully help him to see your side of what you're experiencing every day. It sounds like a lot of pressure from him too even though it isn't intentional, with asking you not to self-harm and turn on your location when this isn't something that feels secure for you in such an unfamiliar environment. I do want to say well done for getting through this extraordinarily tough week, you have made it to Friday where you can travel home, and I hope you can give your dog the hugest hug when you get there
hi @Leyla the last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. I still think I shouldn’t have gone and I’ve told my boyfriend that next year he might have to do it all alone.
I didn’t end up sending the message, like I sent it then I deleted it straight away to which my boyfriend was asking me what I had said. We didn’t speak about it only parts of it like the self harm and the raising of his voice.
I might talk to him tonight about it all as he was honest with me in the early hours of this morning in what had happened during the evening.
Thank you, honestly I didn’t really expect to get here and to be traveling home now in a way. I thought I would have ended up doing something that isn’t reversible or would have ended up in hospital or something.
I don’t get back to my home town until 7pm but I’m hoping once I’ve dropped of the luggage and put some washing on I can go and get my dog because I’ve been missing him.
I just know all that happened this week is something I need to discuss with N and actually figure something out.
wanted to share a webchat helpline ive found n used before lottie. they’re open 7am-10pm every day. they’re rly helpful n you can even book a chat with them. i rly recommend if you’re needing someone to talk to. <3
https://www.takebackyourminduk.org
thank you @eylah i will try them out, sorry for the late reply to this its been a busy day of travelling
Hi there @Lottie5433 , how are you doing today? I wanted to check in. It sounds like the last few days have been an overwhelming whirlwind of emotions, and you mentioned that you'd like to find a way to talk to N about all of this - is that right?
What do you think could be one way to begin that conversation during your session?
hi @Sian321 i thought I was doing better today as I went back to work and got to be with people I know and who know me, but in all honesty I’m not doing great. I can’t mask any longer how I’m feeling and I just want to escape everything I can’t do it.
I do want to find a way to talk to N about all this but part of me also just wants to turn around and say I don’t want it anymore - even though N knows my ultimate goal for therapy is to be signed off so I can go to america in summer 2027. But to be honest I don’t think I’ll ever make it there, not if I can’t even manage a week away, and I’d be away for 3months.
the only way I can think of is to write it all down and just show it to her and then she will likely want me to read it out and I don’t want to do that.
I’m just lost again and just don’t want to deal with any of this. Like the worst thing is I told my boyfriend early hours of Friday morning that I don’t like when he or anyone raises their voice because it makes me internalise it, and yet he just raised his voice at me just coz I made one comment. So now I’m in the bedroom away from him trying not to cry or to hurt myself again. TBH I might just go for a car drive alone
other than that I’m “fine” never better
@Lottie5433 , I hear you - it sounds like today is feeling extremely hard, and the pressure to mask just doesn't feel do-able anymore. Can I ask what do you imagine escaping everything would look like?
I really hear that urge to turn around and pull away - it sounds like that's feeling really strong right now, and is perhaps driven by that fear that you won't make it to your goal anyway - am I hearing that correctly? That sounds so difficult, Lottie, and it sounds overwhelming right now to be feeling lost in this way. Thank you so much for telling us
@Lottie5433 , what you describe about writing down your feelings sounds like such a positive option there. I wonder what the first step towards doing that could be? Maybe even writing down a few keys words if sentences are feeling too overwhelming?
That sounds difficult that you're worried N might push you to read allowed. What makes you feel she might push you like that, or force something that doesn't feel comfortable?
I'll share here some resources that may feel helpful for you as you're trying to not self-harm:
https://peerchat.link/distrACT
https://peerchat.link/15grounding
thank you @Sian321
Escaping everything would in all honesty be to not be here I just don’t want to do it anymore really.
it is all kind driven by the fear that I won’t make it to that goal but I’ve kinda accepted that anyways
I’m not sure what my first steps would be, probably: I’m struggling, I relapsed, I don’t want to do it anymore, negative talking etc.
N won’t necessarily push me to talk about them but she knows I don’t like talking about my feelings and we spoke about this on Wednesday. So it might be that she will just create a space where I can talk if I want to. I’m just hoping if I can write in detail as such what’s going on she won’t get me to talk too much.
Thank you for those, I have tried distrACT before but I’ll give it another go same as the other one
@Lottie5433 thank you so much for your replies. I really hear the seriousness of what you're feeling right now and just how distressing this is. It sounds so tough to have had that moment with your bf raising his voice too. Can I check, do you feel able to stay physically safe today?
ive been trying to keep myself physically safe since getting back from work and id like to think i can continue to try for the rest of the evening
I actually think I’m done with this
Thought being home would be different but nothings changed
Heya @Lottie5433
I really hear you, the fact that you’ve been waiting for days to get home only to feel the same sounds like it would be so disheartening, I wonder what’s happened today for you to say that?
I know you said that you think you’d be able to keep yourself safe still, do you still feel like that after now feeling like nothing has changed?
hey @Leyla
well to begin with I made a comment about what was said at the conference and how our manager wouldn’t like it and my boyfriend said “he doesn’t give a shit why M says if it makes money I’m going to do it” but what got me was that he raised his voice whilst saying so I went to the bedroom. After that I left and just said I was going shop, he messaged me asking where I was. So when I got back he just said how why couldn’t I say where I went and that coz my locations off he’s just constantly worrying about me. At this point I had enough so I through my book that I was working in and stormed out and cried outside. My boyfriend came out and spoke to me. This is when I said I wanted to tell him about a lot of this when we were away and that I wrote the message but didn’t want to ruin the time away. So he then read it whilst I was sat crying and shaking with anxiety.
Um well im having a bit of a distraction now by playing pool and darts. So for now I think I’ll be able to be safe for now
Hi @Lottie5433 it sounds like it was a rough night, and pool and darts sounds like a great distraction. I just wanted to check in and see how you were feeling today?
hi @Sabah yeah pool and darts was a good distraction apart from annoying mum because I came back home to collect my dog for the night at 10pm so she wasn’t happy with that.
today I’m just feeling exhausted mentally and physically and I think that’s just because I’ve been crying so much and my body’s been in flight mode for a while.
I am starting to make a note of what I want to say to N and I’ve also told my partner that I’ll get my journal from my parents and I’ll start writing in that and I’ll give him the code to access it so he can read it and know how I’m feeling, as I think he’s realised that asking me to physically talk isn’t going to get me to talk
@Lottie5433 That does sound emotionally exhausting, but it also sounds like you've managed to find a way of expressing yourself and sharing that with your partner which is great. Making a note of what you want to share with N is also a great idea. You've had a tough week, you deserve some peace, and making those notes sound like a useful way to organise your thoughts and prepare yourself for your next meeting with N.
thank you @Sabah , I have wrote another message to my partner today that I have sent to him or showed him just because I don’t want him to feel bad or anything.
like we have come up with an agreement that if he asks me if I’m okay, I have to tell him if I’m not, but if I am okay I have to promise. And he has said he won’t push me to talk but just knowing I’m not okay is enough for now.
coz of that he knows I’m not okay as I wouldn’t promise him when he left work today
I keep fucking everything up.
I get to a point where I think everything’s fine then everything comes crumbing down like a ton of bricks and I go back to the same place I was in
Hey @Lottie5433 sorry to see how heavy things have been for you recently. How have you felt since last night? we're here to listen.
hi @Verity ive kinda been feeling shit about everything. I annoyed my boyfriend more (he says I haven’t but I can tell in his voice I have) because I was pestering him on where he hid my blades - he didn’t want to say because he know that it was a place I hadn’t found yet.
I also had a headache that wouldn’t go away so I kept taking some paracetamol to which my boyfriend stopped me as he said I shouldn’t be doing it but I was fine
@Lottie5433 that sounds heavy for you to be going through, and feeling like your BF is annoyed can't feel nice. How does it feel not knowing where the blades are? it sounds like you want to know, I'm wondering if this is because you urge to SH is stronger?
hi @Verity it doesn’t feel nice really, but I just get it, I just have to learn to be quiet and back down/not talk just so I don’t annoy him more. When I didn’t know where the blade where it just felt uncomfortable and like I lost my “safety net” and my way of coping that I know works. Well last night the urges where strong - probably why my head hurt and why I kept wanting to take paracetamol jut so it would go away - but know where things are just helps my brain because if I don’t know it makes me feel like I’m getting treated like a child