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TW suicidal thoughts Lingering anti-depressant effects & nothing feels real
Jack25
Posts: 114 The Mix Convert
ever since I was on anti depressants for 2 days then stopped after potential serotonin syndrome I feel like I’ve lost myself. I can’t laugh or cry or feel anything emotionally. I’ve been off them for a month, was on them for 2 days and don’t feel human. I’ve lost all empathy. Ok I’m not crying anymore but I can’t experience any form of pleasure, or laughter. And I’m OFF the medication. Not to mention I’ve seen no improvement in bladder sensation or other side effects which concerned me. Psychiatrist said it wasn’t possible. I need to feel sad again, I tried but I can’t, no amount of pain can hurt me. I need to feel pleasure and happiness again or sadness. It’s been a whole month. I want my depression back. This emotional flattening is ruining my life, suddenly eating and getting out of bed is even more of a challenge than before the medication because I can’t feel anything at all. Worst of all the world around me feels like a dream and it’s intensified by walking which is something that used to give me a bit of peace, no one seems real when I speak to them, like I’m speaking to a robot, the trees, beach, everything feels like a dream, all floaty and foggy. I don’t get worried. I don’t feel human. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror, I feel like a stranger to myself, it’s terrifying yet I can’t feel the anxiety, it’s just like I’m mentally worried but physically it can’tshow. Psychiatrist said it’s just a manifestation I’ve made in my head. I can’t explain this feeling to you, it’s disturbing and unsettling. I’m scared I won’t be normal again, I’m scared I’m forever gone because of the anti depressant. I’m seeing CRHT as this just sent me through the wall, but now it’s if you don’t improve we will send you to hospital but, no matter what I do, my brain chemicals don’t fire at all anymore. I can’t feel peace, curiosity, boredom, I’m just dead inside. The only improvement is that I’m no longer shouting or repeating words over and over again to my parents just to see if they will feel real again. They don’t, they feel distant and lifeless and so do I and everything around me. I’ve experienced a little bit of this before under stress but nothing this severe or long lasting. I go to familiar places and they feel unfamiliar, yet I’ve been there 100s of times. I’m scared, really scared. I asked over and over for help and now it feels too late. I don’t want it anymore, I don’t want anything other than for this to stop. If life can’t feel real, if people I love and care about don’t feel real, if I can’t feel real, why should I continue? I just want to curl up on the floor and let the world swallow me up. I wish I could disappear without leaving a trace, just disappear like I never existed, so everyone just forgets about me. Why can’t I just be normal, stop the meds after the small dose and be fine, instead I’ve got this mess. I was told it can’t be withdrawal because I was on it for 2 days and low dose. So whatever it is it is probably permanent and I can’t be asked to wait and see if it goes, it’s already been a month. I’ve ruined my life, it’s my fault. All I wanted to be was to feel normal and now I’m even further from that than ever, and no one believes what I’m going through now, just because it was 2 days on a low dose :< I’m scared. Idk how I could manifest this in my head, I’m literally experiencing it regardless if it’s a manifestation or not. I feel as though I’m gone forever, I no longer recognise my reflection, and nothing including myself feels real. I’m genuinely scared, idk what to do does this go away??? No one believes me. Will this go away???? I need my emotions back I will feel more real then I hope. What do I do can someone help me please what do I do I need to feel real I tried cold water and stuff I can’t feel real I can’t feel anything I’m desperate. I need my emotions back and if the professionals can’t explain what’s going on I don’t want to go through it anymore. I’m scared this has ruined my life. Sorry this is so long, it just feels like I'm going through something that's medically unexplained and unusual with the AD 
Post edited by Jack25 on
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Comments
I’m so sorry you’re going through that and nobody’s listening to you.
I don’t know how it all works, but I’d say if you had to stop taking it because of potential serotonin syndrome then the medication did have a big effect on you, and I feel like it would make sense that it would take a while for your body to get over that.
In the timescale of SSRIs, a month isn’t very long. I take one and it took many months to adjust to starting it. But I’ve never stopped taking it, and I’ve taken it every day for almost 3 years.
I don’t see why your situation would be permanent, but I don’t have the medical knowledge to know. I really hope it gets better for you. Has anything changed at all, over the month? Do you feel exactly the same as you did a month ago, is it getting any better?
Don’t give up. Maybe ask to see a different psychiatrist. You won’t be the only person in the world to have experienced this
Hi @Jack25
Thank you for sharing what you're going through, it sounds like a really difficult time for you. I just want to reassure you that how you are feeling is valid, the uncertainty of this situation sounds quite distressing. But you are so strong and I believe you can get through this.
I hear how you feel like no one believes you, and your worried about whether these side effects will go away. Just to echo what @AnonymousToe has said, is there a potential for you to ask to see another psychiatrist, or potentially could you reach out to a mental health service or GP.
Alternatively do you have friends you could go for support, maybe you could watch a movie. I don't know if it will help but being around your friends may help you feel more like yourself?
You've got this, you are not alone the Mix community will always be here for you.
I've also provided some information about some services below if you feel you need some more urgent or 1:1 support:
Samaritans are there for you 24/7. They offer a listening service and emotional support to anyone about any issue, with a special focus on suicidal feelings. You can call the helpline for free on 116 123 or email at jo@samaritans.org. You can also write them a letter and you can find details on their website. Some of their branches offer face to face services and you can find your local branch on their website. For more information you can go to www.samaritans.org
Shout is a free and confidential texting service that is open 24/7 that is there for anyone struggling with their mental health, and they can offer you crisis support. Text "THEMIX" to 85258.
❤️
Hi @Jack25, we hear you. It sounds like a scary situation to be in - losing the ability to feel is understandably unsettling, and your reaction to this is valid. I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel people believe you - feeling invalidated is not nice, and as others have mentioned, I'd seek advice from another mental health service/GP/psychiatrist on this. Since SSRIs are quite common, it's likely that others have also experienced this, so it's a good idea to seek advice from others as they may have looked into this before. We're here to support you and listen to you through this.
Hi @Jack25 , firstly thank you so much for taking the time to share this with us. I really hear how utterly distressing and disturbing it has been for you to feel this shift after taking the anti-depressants, and it sounds like you're terrified that something irreversible has taken place. You're being extremely brave to share about this, and it really does sound incredibly unsettling to have had to be coping with these new sensations and this flattening of your emotional state over the last few weeks, day-in-day out feeling unreal.
I noticed your said:
I don’t want it anymore, I don’t want anything other than for this to stop. If life can’t feel real, if people I love and care about don’t feel real, if I can’t feel real, why should I continue? I just want to curl up on the floor and let the world swallow me up. I wish I could disappear without leaving a trace, just disappear like I never existed, so everyone just forgets about me.
Can I check, are you currently feeling able to keep yourself safe? Who might you reach out to if you don't feel able to keep safe?
Please know that if you text THE MIX to 85258 you can receive 24/7 1:1 crisis support from a trained volunteer. You're doing so, so well to speak out about this.
I wonder whether some of these tips might also feel helpful when you're feeling / the people around you are feeling unreal, Jack - https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/blog/tips-for-coping-with-depersonalisation-and-derealisation/
It sounds like you're going through a really overwhelming time right now and you've done really well to reach out here and tell us how this has all been feeling for you. It sounds like you've been fighting so hard for so long, and when it feels like nothing is shifting, it can make everything feel really hopeless and exhausting.
I'm hearing that you're wanting to look into private therapy and it sounds like despite everything, you're still fighting hard to find a way forward, even when things are feeling unbearable. That takes real strength Jack, especially when your mind and body might be feeling a little out of sync since your medication changes. What your feeling sounds really intense, but it doesn't have to be permanent. You deserve support around this, and you're doing so well to continue reaching out. Have you been able to look into what options you have for private therapy?
You mentioned that you were physically safe yesterday, which is super important and we appreciate you letting us know, however what you're describing here sounds like you deserve more support right now to help you through this. If things get worse, or you feel like you can't keep yourself safe, we would urge you to call the emergency services on 999, or go to your local A&E department to explain your intentions to them, so that they can support you. You don't have to wait until it becomes too much, and they will be there to help.
For now, I wonder if you could let us know how you're feeling today? Our Community is here for you Jack. We will also be running a Support Thread here on the boards 11am-12:30pm if you fancied coming along. We will be there to listen and support you.
What do I do what do I do I’m going round and round trying to figure out how to fix this. But google says there’s no cure, every professional is clueless and lost, my life is ruined now, so suicide is the only answer? I can hurt myself to the point I bleed and feel almost nothing so not even self harm will make me feel. I’m stuck in a black box looking out please I’m so hopeless I don’t feel physically worried I’m just dead, dead dead dead help I can’t laugh at something I would normally find funny oh my god I keep trying to talk to my parents hug them imagine being with my friends etc etc I FEEL NOTHING IM DEAD WHY CANT I FEEL SCARED HELLO BODY?? I CANT SMILE LAUGH BE HAPPY ENJOY ANYTHING AT ALL LIKE NOT A LITTLE ITS ALL GONE. I wish I never took the tablet I can’t do this day in day out everyday when everyone’s now confused and google says there’s no cure, I’m causing others pain, I’m suffering everyday, I’m destined to be sectioned so there’s only one option.
@Jack25 I know this might not make much difference, but I've suffered from post SSRI complications too. I had some when i was 13 for a month, and i lost all sexual pleasure overnight. It's absolutely criminal how there handed out like candy, and how little support there is afterwards. It's very real. I know it's not the same as in your case, but i do understand the grief of it. it took a long while, a lot of hopelessness, but i got it back eventually.
I really do understand just how dark and hopeless it feels, but i want to tell you, google isn't always right. It often points to the most severe cases, but rarely the ones of positive recovery. People can be helped, and it's not always permanent. The brain is still developing. So there's always hope. The brain can rebuild neural pathways, it can refix neural pathways in many cases. It's not a permanent foreclosure, even if it does feel that way.
And your fear about being sectioned is entirely valid, but the mental health act isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, it's a stopgap means when things get too extreme, to keep you safe, and to keep you here, so the possibility to recovery remains open in future to you.
And that separation from your emotions and body sounds utterly horrible. It sounds almost out of synch and those emotions are blocked by it, but being blocked, doesn't always mean erased. It doesn't mean that will be the case forever, and it doesn't mean permanence. You're doing incredibly well being open about this.
I understand that it’s a good thing, but equally idk why rather than offering any treatment now theyd rather wait until I go a day without eating or drinking or something bad happens and then section me.
Honestly it seems I’m one of those ‘worst’ cases, I literally can’t feel pain in most areas of my body now and 0 emotions etc. it’s the only reason why I can say I have sexual issues, I don’t feel emotions so can’t feel ashamed… I don’t believe in recovery anymore, maybe too much scrolling through stories like mine where 4+ years later they are still complaining. But the fact permanence is a possibility make me not want to wait anymore.
You really got it back? I really can’t believe it tbh I can’t think of recovery
The list of physical issues is so long it’s absurd. Like I could list them out here but tbh I don’t see a point, it’s a nuts list. I think full body numbness sells how bad it is and this emotional emptiness.
Traumatised is a strong word but to lose colour from the world in a matter of hours, like a light bulb switched off is probably the worst feeling I’ve had ever, it’s heart breaking to lose sexual, romantic, platonic feelings in the span of hours, to lose bodily sensation, to lose joy happiness pleasure, it’s like a light went out. I can’t feel heart broken though anymore! But I can acknowledge it. To see the pain of my parents stressing out trying to look after me is…well I don’t feel anything so I don’t care…. Which is not ok and is distressing, I love them but I don’t anymore? They mean no more to me than the kitchen sink, but I know I love them, I’m confused
Thanks Nathan
And to lose it so rapidly is a scary thing, to have such a change, with no explanation. I lost my ability to feel sexual pleasure overnight, so i understand that very well, and i'm so sorry you went through so much worse than that.
And your absolutely right about CMHT. They have a habit of waiting for things to go critical before stepping in. It's really messed up of them, but they always do when it reaches crisis point. They should help you, because you deserve help.
And i did partially get it back. 6 days ago to be precise it started to repair, and since then, it's slowly become better and better day by day, slowly. I'm still a fair way off full recovery, but if you would have told me last year i would start to recover in any way, i wouldn't have believed it because i gave up on that part of me forever, and foreclosed on it, seeing it as hopeless. That's why i said it can be unexpected, and the brain can be impressive at times. When your going through it, it feels static and permenant, like nothing could ever change, but it can. Maybe not overnight, maybe not instantly, but it can change.
And i want to add this. The fact you feel distress over losing the ability to love, to laugh, or to feel emotions like you could before actually indicates these things aren't gone. Your remember what it felt like, which suggests the system is still there. I think that it's blocked, not erased, and that is a huge difference. And that's a big reason for hope Jack.
@Jack25 Thank you so much mate. Your kinder than you realise to everybody. Have a good night, and just tag me whenever you want to have a chat mate about things. You don't have to go through this alone.
I’m glad you partially got it back and I m sorry you had to go through this as well. But for myself I can’t be hopeful, not when I’m experiencing full body numbness and even more numbness in a certain area. I feel no emotion I can’t be hopeful, I want to just be done with it all. I’ve disappointed myself in every way. I’ve now lost friends. Cause pain to others. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t live with uncertainty, I always need answers and solutions and the possibility but not certainty that I heal with time is not one I’m willing to accept. Nor can I accept the reality of my feeling of thirst or hunger disappearing within hours. You’re far stronger than I am, I couldn’t go through this for 1 year, let alone more than 5 or close to a decade.
I’m even more upset that I didn’t feel like taking this medication was my decision, I was forced to by the nhs therapist as it was that or I get discharged, I’m broken now because of an uninformed decision made under pressure.
At least before I could feel euphoria occasionally despite feeling depressed, now I can’t, I’m trapped in a black box I need stimulation but can’t get it. Like I really need to feel something I can’t take it.
It’s been 3 months and I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel :<