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TW suicidal thoughts Lingering anti-depressant effects & nothing feels real

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  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 125 The Mix Convert
    edited January 17
    Bad I’ve lost everything in life there’s no light left I’m safe
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 3,398 Boards Guru
    Hi @Jack25 , I just wanted to echo what @Azziman has said here - we care about you, and you're doing so well to keep opening up about how this is feeling.

    When are you next able to see your therapist? I remember you said you've moved to two days a week, which sounds like a really positive response to how distressing this is feeling.
  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 125 The Mix Convert
    edited January 17
    On Tuesday and Thursday im seeing my therapist and wednesday a psychiatrist I’m so distraught by the continuing sexual side effects I asked before I took it and they said it only happens in long term use, two days is not long term and I hate that I was lied to. And now I’ve got to live with my sexuality being wiped and ED!! I feel like a different person I can’t process this, I just want to run away and escape all of these problems. It’s been bad thing after bad thing it never ends. It’s hard to keep going when I’m in a cycle of loss, lost relationships lost future relationships lost pleasure lost identity it’s just a whole bucket load of loss that could’ve been prevented if I wasn’t misinformed. I’ve been thinking I’d do anything just to get it back im so distraught. And my body hasn’t been functioning properly either I can’t sweat and i can’t feel hot until I start feeling faint, still have bladder problems list goes on. But I can set those issues aside, it’s the lost emotions and sexual/romantic identity that has dragged me down so much. The thought I may never feel attraction again just makes me want to give up. I can’t process the fact I’m no longer attracted to people. It feels wrong. I feel empty, I can’t cry or be happy, I just want it to end, I want relief just for a few hours to be myself one more time. I genuinely don’t think I’m strong enough to keep going, i can barely eat or drink I haven’t felt hunger or thirst since taking the medication. My burning in the evening has spread up to my leg but apparently it’s probably just a mental health issue. I feel so fatigued and have so much brain fog I can’t even remember what happened a few days ago I can’t focus on anything. It’s so hard to believe things will get better when all your emotions have been wiped. I can’t cope or process the loss of sexuality, it’s like losing a whole part of myself, something to be hopeful about l, a relationship etc when things were bad, now I can only be distraught by the fact I won’t feel connected again. I just see things never getting better. At least I could feel pleasure and happiness before the meds I would just have really bad crying spells or feel low a lot, now I’m dead inside. I didn’t consent to be chemically castrated and made impotent. And now I’ve got to possibly live with the regret? I’m so distraught. I can’t process it it keeps going round and round I wish I could go back I wish I could have stopped myself. I don’t see a way forward, and i wrote in my journal I don’t want to move forward without my sexuality or feelings and i refuse to. I don’t know what to do if I don’t get it back, I’m on thin ice. Sectioning is probably heading my way soon it’s getting harder and harder each day, they already said if I don’t eat or drink for one day they will request the mental health act and if I don’t accept medical treatment there’s a high likelyhood I will be sectioned. I don’t want the medication again not after I was lied to and was hospitalised with my bad reaction.l and losing my feelings. My biggest regret is taking it. I don’t want anymore I’m just holding onto what little hope I hope I see some sort of improvement or signal it will come back. I want to keep trying and hold onto the possibility I will get those feelings back and the numbness on my body etc. will reverse. I’m essentially waiting for it, but after 3 months my hope is running thin. But I want to give myself the chance to recover and have those feelings again, I’m becoming very housebound now because I’ve lost joy and peace from walking. I keep trying but it’s a drag and I hate it. I never hated walking, my heart is broken. I keep trying to convince myself I like it, my journals I put down stuff about my walk, but I’ve just ripped out the pages because they’re all lies, I’m stuck in denial and can’t accept how much I’ve lost. I spent weeks convincing myself my sexuality was still there and I was ok thinking I could convince my sexuality back, now I don’t know what to do.

    Everything is anchored on the emotional aspect returning and the physical stuff going, I’m sort of watching to see if it will go or if I will get a signal of improvement. I don’t want to go outside and live or see people if I’m not myself again. A lot is weighing on this.

    I know therapy can help me process this, but also I don’t think I could ever move on without it, it’s part of my I repressed so deeply and never expressed, and now I will never get the chance to explore it.

    Thanks Azziman and Sian
    Post edited by Jack25 on
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 3,398 Boards Guru
    Hi @Jack25 , thank you for your messages. I can really hear how this continues to be such a distressing and frightening situation, and you're doing so well to open up here. We care about you and your safety.

    You mentioned feeling like there's been an overwhelming amount of loss to process, and how you feel this incessant emptiness too. That sounds heartbreaking, Jack, and again, just so much to wrap your head around and to make sense of, especially when these are changes you've experienced so rapidly.

    You're doing really well to put your feelings down on 'paper' here, to be vocal and to talk with your therapist and your psychiatrist. It sounds like you're really surrounding yourself with as much support as you can, which is so positive. You deserve to not have to go through this on your own.

    What's your relationship like so far with your therapist and psychiatrist? How listened to and you feeling in those spaces?

  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 125 The Mix Convert
    edited January 17
    It is a new psychiatrist from the NHS so I’m not sure, the therapist is nice but I don’t feel anything, I can’t connect with people, I know she’s nice but I don’t get that feeling of comfort or safety anymore. I need the support to keep going I’m so desperate now. I’m leaning on the support as a waiting period, just hoping if I can continue with stuff i will get my feelings sexuality and physical sensation back with time, and hope im not broken, but to do that i need to keep going. I just wish i wasn’t pressured into the meds.
    If emotions don’t come back and physical sensations (or lack thereof) don’t go then I eill find it difficult to keep moving on with life. If physical sensation comes back I might be an it better, if it doesn’t idk what to do anymore, I’m not living with a completely numb area of my body…
  • Jack25Jack25 Posts: 125 The Mix Convert
    Things I find funny aren’t funny anymore. I’m scared now :<
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