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TW suicidal thoughts Lingering anti-depressant effects & nothing feels real
Jack25
Posts: 83 Budding Regular
ever since I was on anti depressants for 2 days then stopped after potential serotonin syndrome I feel like I’ve lost myself. I can’t laugh or cry or feel anything emotionally. I’ve been off them for a month, was on them for 2 days and don’t feel human. I’ve lost all empathy. Ok I’m not crying anymore but I can’t experience any form of pleasure, or laughter. And I’m OFF the medication. Not to mention I’ve seen no improvement in bladder sensation or other side effects which concerned me. Psychiatrist said it wasn’t possible. I need to feel sad again, I tried but I can’t, no amount of pain can hurt me. I need to feel pleasure and happiness again or sadness. It’s been a whole month. I want my depression back. This emotional flattening is ruining my life, suddenly eating and getting out of bed is even more of a challenge than before the medication because I can’t feel anything at all. Worst of all the world around me feels like a dream and it’s intensified by walking which is something that used to give me a bit of peace, no one seems real when I speak to them, like I’m speaking to a robot, the trees, beach, everything feels like a dream, all floaty and foggy. I don’t get worried. I don’t feel human. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror, I feel like a stranger to myself, it’s terrifying yet I can’t feel the anxiety, it’s just like I’m mentally worried but physically it can’tshow. Psychiatrist said it’s just a manifestation I’ve made in my head. I can’t explain this feeling to you, it’s disturbing and unsettling. I’m scared I won’t be normal again, I’m scared I’m forever gone because of the anti depressant. I’m seeing CRHT as this just sent me through the wall, but now it’s if you don’t improve we will send you to hospital but, no matter what I do, my brain chemicals don’t fire at all anymore. I can’t feel peace, curiosity, boredom, I’m just dead inside. The only improvement is that I’m no longer shouting or repeating words over and over again to my parents just to see if they will feel real again. They don’t, they feel distant and lifeless and so do I and everything around me. I’ve experienced a little bit of this before under stress but nothing this severe or long lasting. I go to familiar places and they feel unfamiliar, yet I’ve been there 100s of times. I’m scared, really scared. I asked over and over for help and now it feels too late. I don’t want it anymore, I don’t want anything other than for this to stop. If life can’t feel real, if people I love and care about don’t feel real, if I can’t feel real, why should I continue? I just want to curl up on the floor and let the world swallow me up. I wish I could disappear without leaving a trace, just disappear like I never existed, so everyone just forgets about me. Why can’t I just be normal, stop the meds after the small dose and be fine, instead I’ve got this mess. I was told it can’t be withdrawal because I was on it for 2 days and low dose. So whatever it is it is probably permanent and I can’t be asked to wait and see if it goes, it’s already been a month. I’ve ruined my life, it’s my fault. All I wanted to be was to feel normal and now I’m even further from that than ever, and no one believes what I’m going through now, just because it was 2 days on a low dose :< I’m scared. Idk how I could manifest this in my head, I’m literally experiencing it regardless if it’s a manifestation or not. I feel as though I’m gone forever, I no longer recognise my reflection, and nothing including myself feels real. I’m genuinely scared, idk what to do does this go away??? No one believes me. Will this go away???? I need my emotions back I will feel more real then I hope. What do I do can someone help me please what do I do I need to feel real I tried cold water and stuff I can’t feel real I can’t feel anything I’m desperate. I need my emotions back and if the professionals can’t explain what’s going on I don’t want to go through it anymore. I’m scared this has ruined my life. Sorry this is so long, it just feels like I'm going through something that's medically unexplained and unusual with the AD 
Post edited by Jack25 on
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Comments
I’m so sorry you’re going through that and nobody’s listening to you.
I don’t know how it all works, but I’d say if you had to stop taking it because of potential serotonin syndrome then the medication did have a big effect on you, and I feel like it would make sense that it would take a while for your body to get over that.
In the timescale of SSRIs, a month isn’t very long. I take one and it took many months to adjust to starting it. But I’ve never stopped taking it, and I’ve taken it every day for almost 3 years.
I don’t see why your situation would be permanent, but I don’t have the medical knowledge to know. I really hope it gets better for you. Has anything changed at all, over the month? Do you feel exactly the same as you did a month ago, is it getting any better?
Don’t give up. Maybe ask to see a different psychiatrist. You won’t be the only person in the world to have experienced this
Hi @Jack25
Thank you for sharing what you're going through, it sounds like a really difficult time for you. I just want to reassure you that how you are feeling is valid, the uncertainty of this situation sounds quite distressing. But you are so strong and I believe you can get through this.
I hear how you feel like no one believes you, and your worried about whether these side effects will go away. Just to echo what @AnonymousToe has said, is there a potential for you to ask to see another psychiatrist, or potentially could you reach out to a mental health service or GP.
Alternatively do you have friends you could go for support, maybe you could watch a movie. I don't know if it will help but being around your friends may help you feel more like yourself?
You've got this, you are not alone the Mix community will always be here for you.
I've also provided some information about some services below if you feel you need some more urgent or 1:1 support:
Samaritans are there for you 24/7. They offer a listening service and emotional support to anyone about any issue, with a special focus on suicidal feelings. You can call the helpline for free on 116 123 or email at jo@samaritans.org. You can also write them a letter and you can find details on their website. Some of their branches offer face to face services and you can find your local branch on their website. For more information you can go to www.samaritans.org
Shout is a free and confidential texting service that is open 24/7 that is there for anyone struggling with their mental health, and they can offer you crisis support. Text "THEMIX" to 85258.
❤️
Hi @Jack25, we hear you. It sounds like a scary situation to be in - losing the ability to feel is understandably unsettling, and your reaction to this is valid. I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel people believe you - feeling invalidated is not nice, and as others have mentioned, I'd seek advice from another mental health service/GP/psychiatrist on this. Since SSRIs are quite common, it's likely that others have also experienced this, so it's a good idea to seek advice from others as they may have looked into this before. We're here to support you and listen to you through this.
Hi @Jack25 , firstly thank you so much for taking the time to share this with us. I really hear how utterly distressing and disturbing it has been for you to feel this shift after taking the anti-depressants, and it sounds like you're terrified that something irreversible has taken place. You're being extremely brave to share about this, and it really does sound incredibly unsettling to have had to be coping with these new sensations and this flattening of your emotional state over the last few weeks, day-in-day out feeling unreal.
I noticed your said:
I don’t want it anymore, I don’t want anything other than for this to stop. If life can’t feel real, if people I love and care about don’t feel real, if I can’t feel real, why should I continue? I just want to curl up on the floor and let the world swallow me up. I wish I could disappear without leaving a trace, just disappear like I never existed, so everyone just forgets about me.
Can I check, are you currently feeling able to keep yourself safe? Who might you reach out to if you don't feel able to keep safe?
Please know that if you text THE MIX to 85258 you can receive 24/7 1:1 crisis support from a trained volunteer. You're doing so, so well to speak out about this.
I wonder whether some of these tips might also feel helpful when you're feeling / the people around you are feeling unreal, Jack - https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/blog/tips-for-coping-with-depersonalisation-and-derealisation/