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The Cracks Are Showing
Lottie5433
Posts: 521 Incredible Poster
I feel like I've put on a brave face for too long, and now everything is bubbling over this front I've meticulously built up. It used to be easier—masking the emotions, pushing everything down, pretending I was fine. But now, I can feel it slipping.
Professionals have told me this is because I never really learned how to express my emotions or felt safe enough to. So, I found ways to cope that aren’t exactly healthy.
They’re looking into my referral, checking where I am on the waitlist. That’s all it is for now. Just a process. Just another step. But while they do that, I’m here, feeling like I’m unraveling.
I want to cry, scream, yell—something, anything. But it’s like I have no voice for this. So, I just hold it in, hold back the tears to avoid the awkward questions.
Writing has been an outlet lately, but maybe that’s why my front is cracking. Telling my story, putting words to the things I’ve buried, it feels like I’m giving power to my past. Maybe I’m not ready to face it all yet. But the mental health team thinks I need to. They want me to work through it, to learn how to cope, how to regulate the emotions I’ve spent a lifetime avoiding.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is that this mask is slipping, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep holding it up.
I just need to hold out, hold out till February 10th mainly so I can talk to my GP openly about this.
Professionals have told me this is because I never really learned how to express my emotions or felt safe enough to. So, I found ways to cope that aren’t exactly healthy.
And now, here I am—dissociating more and more, even when driving (which, yeah, isn’t great or safe), just to keep this front from shattering completely
.They’re looking into my referral, checking where I am on the waitlist. That’s all it is for now. Just a process. Just another step. But while they do that, I’m here, feeling like I’m unraveling.
I know things are getting worse because I don’t really care about myself right now. Driving at high speeds just to feel something—that’s on my safety plan, so I guess it’s a warning sign. There are other things too, things I don’t want to admit out loud. But I can’t call the mental health team. The fear, the anxiety, the uncertainty—it keeps me frozen.
I want to cry, scream, yell—something, anything. But it’s like I have no voice for this. So, I just hold it in, hold back the tears to avoid the awkward questions.
Writing has been an outlet lately, but maybe that’s why my front is cracking. Telling my story, putting words to the things I’ve buried, it feels like I’m giving power to my past. Maybe I’m not ready to face it all yet. But the mental health team thinks I need to. They want me to work through it, to learn how to cope, how to regulate the emotions I’ve spent a lifetime avoiding.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is that this mask is slipping, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep holding it up.
I just need to hold out, hold out till February 10th mainly so I can talk to my GP openly about this.
Maybe ill summarise my stories and show my posts on here just to convey the immense struggle that I hide.
But also hold out longer till the 12th - maybe the ED nurse can help?
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that is a lot to be carrying, and i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. it makes complete sense that things are bubbling over after holding everything in for so long. even though masking worked for you before, it sounds like your mind and body are telling you it’s not sustainable anymore. that is NOT a failure on your part, it’s just a sign that you deserve real support, not just survival mode.
i know it must be overwhelming, but i’m really glad you have those appointments coming up. even though waiting is hard, you’re still moving forward, step by step, and in the meantime, you don’t have to go through this alone, we will always be here to listen whenever you need to talk, with no judgment.
it’s also really strong of you to recognise the warning signs. i know calling the mental health team feels impossible, but you deserve support!! if it helps, maybe you could write down what you’d want to say in a call, or even ask someone to call with you?
if sharing your writing feels like a way to express what’s hard to say out loud, then definitely do use here - we’ll always be here!! your feelings and your struggles, they matter, and you don’t have to carry them all on your own.
please, keep holding on. we see you, and we’re here - you’ve got this, we believe in you🩷
Faking how you feel, is so exhausting and to keep this on for a long time is literally not possible..
You say you need to hold on till February.. I know I'm speaking to you on thw other thread but you can let out at the GP.. don't hold on.. honestly every tike I go to the docs I end up crying at first I think it worried her but I think she now realises it just me letting out..
Can you have moments at home where you can let out?
You mentioned that your mental health team have been talking with you about learning to feel and express your emotions so that you can move through them and make new sense of the past. And yet, this feels extremely intimidating because avoiding these emotions has been such a key part of how you've coped over the years. I hear you.
Beginning to make more space for your emotions to breathe can truly feel so frightening, particularly if you're afraid they might overwhelm or consume you. I wonder if there are any emotions specifically that feel more scary than the others?
You mentioned that you don't know what to do, and it is so valid that you feel stuck right now. I really do hear your dilemma - wanting to get support and growing exhausted of wearing this mask, and yet, feeling afraid of what you'll find if you begin to listen into yourself more and what you need.
I suppose what I want to say is that you don't have to start this process alone. They say that the most healing part of counselling/psychotherapy/ mental health support in general is the relationship, and I think that's really telling! Emotional regulation is typically a skill we learn through relationship with others, and more specifically, through having positive experiences of being heard, understood, and accepted by others in ways that then help us to grow trust and self-compassion. Already, messaging us here on Boards is a great part of that - leaning on your Community, and expressing your feelings to us. You're already taking such great steps
If helpful, I will share below some resources that talk about emotional regulation and how to begin naming your feelings in the moment. I want to say though, if you do not feel safe to lean into specific emotions on your own that is absolutely valid and you should respect your own pace:
Thank you for sharing about this, Lottie. We will drop you a DM to check in.
Sending hugs and we're here for you without judgement. You get to go at your own pace here
all i want to do is keep up this front it needs to be sustained i can't breakdown infront of anyone
. But this is exactly what I need to hear. I always say im 'thriving' but actually I am just in survival mode 😕.
unfortunately there isant anyone that I could ask to do this with me, then with writing things down its just getting over my inital anxiety and fear of actually phoning the number. It's just an endless loop.
Writing does help but even if I was to share it all on here I feel like I'd raise too many concerns 😟 potential safeguard or breaking community guidelines - but idk ill see how i feel about it
I can't thank this community enough for the support I feel more heard here than anywhere else currently 💕 and its nice to not feel so alone with all the chaos in my m head
I want it all to be possible but know it's not possible and its exhausting to try and keep it up - mainly trying to keep track of the white lies ive told to avoid questions or concern.
I vaule your comments of advice, support and encouragement on both threads @Invisible_me ❤️
I don't feel able to let it out at the GP- too many people know me and my family and if they see me walk out crying or anything as I fear someone might say something to my family etc - like i know the GP can't say anything due to confidentiality but its anyone else that I see. So whenever I go see it's like this part of me is left at the door and I'm 'fine and normal' when I speak to anyine at the GP surgery.
There's no time at home to have moments where I can let it out, there's always someone home and can't have anyone finding out anything 😟
Thank you again 💕
Thank you for taking the time to reas this post and make a comment ❤️
See i never see this as a strength to actually 'name' it and let other know - in my head i always see this as an weakness coz i can't do it alone anymore. I hate admitting and being vulnerable (especially to people i don't really know) about what's going on, ive always learnt that this is when I get hurt and no one actually cares, so its my default to put up this front 😔.
This is what they want me to do when I actually work with CEDT which is the other team I've been referred to. Like I don't know how much i want this, it means moving away from my behaviours I find 'safe' and that 'work', but they know I can't continue loke this for much longer given my history etc.
• Fear
• Panic
• Anger
• Sadness
• Hopelessness
• Inadequacy
• Insignificant
Just to pick out a few at the moment
This is exactly what the mental health team believe i was lacking growing up due to personal factors at home and that there wasn't really time for it. But also that I never had postitve experiences or saw postitve examples of how to properly and safely regulate my emotions, I learnt other ways to cope that are not seen as 'healthy. Im just scared that when I start therapy with CEDT they are going to try and get me to build a better relationship with my parents and family.
Thank you for the resources, i don't know if im ever gonna be ready to lean into specific emotions alone let alone name them - i think this is what i hate about everything that im actually gonna have to acknowledge and name emotions on a deeper level 😟
Thanks again for ypu message of support i will forever be greatful for this community
I am hearing this is potentially because they have not given you what you need before and the distance you have consequently built with other people, am I hearing this right? Thank you for being one of our wonderful community members - you matter to us!
Thank you @Laura_tigger82
I dont really feel brave or strong about any of this - but everyone keeps saying I am.
I am worried and scared that I'll have to build a better relationship with my parents and family and its mainly coz it means actually telling them what's wrong and unraveling alot of different things that ive pushed down. It's also that whenever I've tried talking and like setting boundaries particularly with my mental health they don't listen and do the complete opposite making me feel like I can rely on them or ask for support. There's also the part of me that doesn't want to make them out to bad parents and that they failed me - i always say i failed myself no one else failed me.
the thing is idk. Like i always say that 'clearly I'm the broken child's because both me and my 3 older siblings were brought up the same way and they are fine - so there must be something wrong with me. And its like when I was younger I was always seen as the 'favourite' child but I wasnt or anything - i just don't really know what happened with my childhood; somthings clearly happened or changed early on for me to be the way im am 😔.
Thank you again for the message of support
I vaule your comments of advice, support and encouragement on both threads @Invisible_me ❤️
I don't feel able to let it out at the GP- too many people know me and my family and if they see me walk out crying or anything as I fear someone might say something to my family etc - like i know the GP can't say anything due to confidentiality but its anyone else that I see. So whenever I go see it's like this part of me is left at the door and I'm 'fine and normal' when I speak to anyine at the GP surgery.
There's no time at home to have moments where I can let it out, there's always someone home and can't have anyone finding out anything 😟
Thank you again 💕[/quote]
I know so what you mean. It is exhausting and yeah, keeping track of what lies ive said, what bits I've hidden what bits of Said. It's not fair though that you feel the need to do this but understand.
When I first started going to docs alone, I used to pretend I was stull at uni etc and oh my gosh the anxiety of that was a killer. Our GP practice is on the main road off my house street regularly passed by parents, grandparents etc and it was hard. I used to walk furthest away from road and completely cover myself up. At times, I'd walk n and people from street saw me but in a,way people have got better things to do than worry about people they know at GP and why. And I meant when your in the consulting room you can let out. I worry lots on confidentiality my doc when I first saw him alone even though he wasn't my regular doc (but is regular doc to rest
of my family) explained confidentiality to me as soon as I went in and same with my usual GP even if she's explained it if I ask her again or she thinks I'm hesistant she'll re explain it etc.. and I get what you say your fine when your there, it just happens doesn't it like a miracle. Sometimes I've been so anxious and everything before then I'll be completely calm, sometimes I've deliberately worked myself up to just show her the 'real me, ' (don't do that now).
It's really important you find yourself time ans space to let out. I dont let out in front if parents but will go to toilets and cry there they think I'm doing an actual toilet when in reality I'm crying or like a walk but then crying out on streets is scary and not safest really I find myself struggling and because u dibt let out at home unless in toilets I end up bursting out in not so safe places.
[/quote] the thing is idk. Like i always say that 'clearly I'm the broken child's because both me and my 3 older siblings were brought up the same way and they are fine - so there must be something wrong with me. And its like when I was younger I was always seen as the 'favourite' child but I wasnt or anything - i just don't really know what happened with my childhood; somthings clearly happened or changed early on for me to be the way im am 😔.t[/quote]
I know this isny part of my reply but wanted to say, none of this is your fault! You've done nothing wrong. Remember you may also not know what your siblings are struggling with or feel.
Even if you've had the same upbringing and love at home, externally from home you've all had different factors which would've impacted as well. Don't compare, we all struggle with different things at different times and some express others don't some realise their struggling some don't. Sometimes also theree is no 1 reason for feeling how you are.
Your therapist will work with you in establishing this.
They should aldo respect and work with you on buiiolding family relationship. Share your concerns with your worker. My therapist explained my needs to my parebrs when they were discharging me so did my gp with my consent, did they understand no.
I never shared anything eith thrm at all as time gone in, loads of yrs after my mum now understands bits if me and so I tell her bits not all.
Again Remember your in control of how much you share with your parents your do this when your ready and there is a middle ground it doesn't mean completely exposing to thrm -- ,does that make sense?
I hate the feeling of my therapist (when I get one for this) talking to my parents about anything, even if its going to help me in the long run. I think this comes from that my parents wanted to contact my old ED therapist because they didn't think or believe he was helping me - but it was almost liek they threatened it ~ if you dont start getting better, and that we can tangibly see it, then we are going to tell you therapist he's no good at his job .
yeah this makes total sense logically. But idk it all doesn't seem ljke something I can ever do
Thank you again @Invisible_me for taking the time to respond it means alot ❤️
I understand that. It can be hard to keep track and not get caught up in your own tangles. It's hard letting people in and don't force yourself to let everyone in at the same time , just take your time- when you feel ready! Most important thing is your taking slow steps.
Work with your therapist... I know it seems unmanageable now letting people in and talking to them now byt that doesn't mean your will never be able to do some of it.
Thank you @Invisible_me 💕 It means alot to me to have someone say this- i feel like know one around me gets it
And it'd okay to feel like this now..
It is hurtful whe people you trust betray this- I knkw how how this feels!! 😢
I can hear how you feel this is your fault. However, different people are impacted by similiar experiences in different ways. Your thoughts and feelings are valid, despite how your siblings may have thought and felt about the same experiences. Also, people can mask how they are really thinking and feeling which makes self-comparison particularly challenging.
How are you feeling at the moment? We are here with you and listening to you if you would like to share more with us
Thank you again @Laura_tigger82
I just dont know how I can begin to get people to respect my boundaries (especially my parents) coz i know they are just going to keep pushing me to talk and they know that this just makes me not talk and open up - as they've seen with my SH, SI and ED.
I basically get told by those around me that it's my fault so it's just what im use to at this point. Im constantly compared to my siblings so at this point I must be the issue and the one that caused it all - even though professionals have said its not my fault etc.
Im feeling alot of anxiety but idk why other than my GP appointment tomorrow. But also my thoughts are just going wild and causing alot of mess in my head and im becoming overwhelming with it all.
Thanks for asking ❤️
Also, it is not really your job to ensure others respect your boundaries. It is your job to set your boundaries but it is other people's job to respect those! Even though I can hear the sense of pressure to ensure others follow your boundaries, despite feeling like your boundaries are unheard. You deserve to feel respected and heard.
It sounds really difficult that your thoughts are causing you to become overwhelmed with it all. Would you like to share more with us about this? We care and are listening to you
The GP appoint was kinda positive. I actually opened up about various things like my anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicidality. From the appointment they've basically said im moderate anxiety and chronic depression (although MH are querying this anyway). They've increased my medication to the highest dose - been avoiding this due to the increased risk to myself with my thoughts and past actions. Also been referred back to CMHT for assessment/2nd opinion for support; waiting for a call from them now 😬.
Idk how much I could share about my thoughts without causing concern or breaking guidelines so yeah 🙃
Thank you for your support and response @Laura_tigger82
How are you feeling about them saying moderate anxiety and chronic depression, even though MH are querying this anyway, and the medication increase?
Wishing you all the best of luck with being referred back to CMHT for assessment/2nd opinion for support. Do you know when you might be able to expect the call?
I appreciate your response @Laura_tigger82 and that you recognise that things for me feel difficult and conflicting for me at the moment 💕.
TW: SH/SI
As im still under the earing disorder team for physical monitoring, the nurse sees them and questions me on it but also my thought too. I just felt bad when i saw her last coz she had to treat and dress a couple in our appointment. Also think she told CMHT about it as well, as she did say in that appointmentshe was concerned and worried for me 🙃
I'm not sure how I feel, tbh. Like ive alwaysed known that ive had anxiety (usually more social and situational) but its more generalised now i guess. Then with the depression, I didnt think it was that bad honestly but I guess it is 🤷🏽♀️. The GP did make a comment that ive lost the fear of death (which MH team already said about). MH team are querying the anxiety and depression as they believe I have a personality disorder - but then the anxiety and depression is likely comorbid (manageable with medication again, but different type).
I wasnt too happy about the medication increase tbh, ive been putting it off whenever the GP asks or suggests it. Whenever it increases i feel physically ill and makes me lose myself really - i stop activities for a while coz I don't feel like me. But also with my SI and how active they are, it increases my risk which both GP and MH team are aware of yet they still increased it.
On a plus since it's been increase (from the 11th) I have only missed like 3 days of it which is better than previous times.
Well I missed the initial call with CMHT on Thursday 23th as I was working in a school. I did phone them back after and was told the duty team would call on the friday, however I've not heard anything from them. I want to phone them to find out but my anxiety about phone calls especially with my mental health make it difficult.
I'm also due to have a phone call from my GP (for an appointment), the ED health nurse (with a different nurse for another blood test), and my old therapist is calling me also for wellbeing checks on wednesday.
So im rather busy with potential calls but also anxious about them and like annoyed with them all tbh.
Thanks again ❤️
You're doing so well to manage all of this, as an influx of appointments can feel tiring and anxiety provoking especially when over the phone, but it is good to hear that you are receiving good support and they are checking in on you regularly. Because you are so busy at this time it is important to be patient and kind to yourself. Is there anything nice that you like to do for yourself?
Keep updating us with how you are feeling because you are never alone- we are here for you
Thank you @Orchid059 , I appreciate your response ❤️
I do have alot going on (not only with my Mental health, but with more work responsibilities too), with many changes that have happened really quickly.
I guess it's good that I am getting monitored - I'm just frustrated and annoyed at how many appointments, and calls I'm having etc, its been making work shifts hard 😔. I suppose that's right about the medication, but I've told them before how unsafe it can make me feel and that I experience these side effects but they still did it - impact was kinda hoping they'd change the medication, as ive been on this type for years and every couple months it needs increasing coz it doesn't work 😩.
All the appointments are tiring, especially when it means going upto an hour away just for bloods, BP check, weight check, HR and O2 check - seems pointless when I can have it all at the GP surgery 🙄. But I guess it's coz they can rush the results and can monitor it closely as my GP iss rubbish with these things 🙄.
Idk how to be kind and patient with myself during this time. I like going to the gym. However with increase work with more responsibilities, increase ED issues, all these calls/appointments make it difficult to even get to the gym - i enjoy early morning but with the medication it makes waking up on time challenging.
I'll try to keep here updated. I understand that im not alone but i feel so alone with everything 😢. I really do appreciate this community and all the mods/staff - makes me feel slightly less alone 💕
Sorry for missing reply... all the appointments while helpful can be tiring, it's exhausting making the effort to go and try and be open as possible with them, bu your doing well in engaging with the help and continue with it!!!
Keep trying to ohine the CMHT, even if everutime you try and call you stay on the line a little longer than before that's an achievement. I was so scared and do get scared now making phone calls but the more you do it the easier it is. Sometimes I'm like if I'm more than number 3 then I'll put the phone down, stay in the line a min, if they pick up great if not try again then the next time stay in the line 2mins etc...etc..
Medication, ut can take a while for your body to adjust too, definatekyz and during this times it's horrible but hopefully the side effects aren't too hard.. when I was on meds it like drowsed me out, made me feel fake. Remember if its unpleasant then speak to them so they can review this.
Keep going!
Thank you for the reply - no need to appologise for missing a reply 🙂
Ive been trying to phone them but i get to anxious right now - I dial the number and hang up straight away 🙃. I'm also like can I not wait for them - if they haven't phoned for almost 2 weeks now, clearly i don't need help straight away - right?
I'm due to have a review in like 2 weeks for the medication as its not on my repeat prescription currently as they are looking at other meds too if this doesn't help
So i had the courage to phone CMHT to find out about this miss call I had !!
Tbh they were a bit confused why I was phoning but I ended up having a call back. I found out my GP had emailed them to ask for more support/advice as well as that i need to be cleared for camp America. So the person I spoke to has said he can sign me off for camp America !!
With this he's discharged me from the general mental health team - not sure what this means honestly. But if I struggle I can phone them or talk to my GP to gain support (probably won't be doing this though 😒).
I also asked about my referral to CEDT and that's still being processed 😔 - im hoping I will get something soon though preferably before I go to America coz I know if I don't get anything before hand the wait will be even longer to get support as I won't be able to have it in America 😩.
My old therapist made notes that basically say I'm fine too - as he mentioned ive been promoted at work and that's basically keeping me safe. Despite me telling him last week that it's not really enough to keep me safe and with how things are im basically hitting crisis regularly but don't feel I deserve to get help from others. He keeps telling me to phone their crisis line and keeps trying to send me the numbers to use even though I have them, i just don't feel able to reach out 😩.
I'm also suppose to have a call with him this Wednesday and I dont want to anymore - im just going to say I'm fine and nothings happened. Hopefully then the call be short and he won't phone me again.
Then i just need to make sure that the ED health nurse doesn't get concerned for me and talks to the MH team/my therapist again 😒. Ill just tell little white lies and say I'm fine and that my SH and SI have stopped and then just need to ensure I don't have to keep going back for physical health tests.
At this point I'm tempted to just phone CMHT back and be like "discharge me, I'm fine and dont need your services anymore. I'm just wasting your time and resources, so just forget about me" .
This will be the easiest option for everyone right now- im basically a revolving door patient 😞
What is the actual point anymore 😕
I'm exhausted trying to fight for myself anymore
I wish no one ever found out about anything.
• college added to this as well
• university just made everything 100× worse, with having my ED diagnosis, having all my lectures concerned coz of the SH. Then the stupid wellbeing meeting coz I was suicidal and telling my parents about my attempt(s) when I'd technically finished uni.
I'm really sorry for delay in replying back to you!
Id reacted well done to you phoning up CMHT , this wasn't easy for you so well done for that.
Byr I really wanted to respond to everything else..@ Lottie5433 I so hear you when you say you'll just say your fine, you don't deserve help etc ans I guess the therapist and acMHT team discharging you has fuelled these thoughts. Urs fustrating when these services discharge you and say you "fine" it almost seems like their belittling your current struggles and that's not nice.. but I thibk r these services now because of the pressure etc have higher thresholds limitations and people are just getting discharged despite having struggle but because tgey don't meet the so called criteria or they've done yhe 'paper offer' thry just discharge you. Nevertheless this does not mean your not struggling anymore.
You've come such a long way , keep fighting. You do deserve support @Lottie5433 just as much as everyone else. Please don't kick people away like thst, be honest with them so thry can help you and support you and things can have the chance to carry on moving forward. It really is exhausting fighting for yourself and we shouldn't have to but unfortunately it's c the way it is.