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The Cracks Are Showing
Lottie5433
Posts: 276 The Mix Regular
I feel like I've put on a brave face for too long, and now everything is bubbling over this front I've meticulously built up. It used to be easier—masking the emotions, pushing everything down, pretending I was fine. But now, I can feel it slipping.
Professionals have told me this is because I never really learned how to express my emotions or felt safe enough to. So, I found ways to cope that aren’t exactly healthy.
They’re looking into my referral, checking where I am on the waitlist. That’s all it is for now. Just a process. Just another step. But while they do that, I’m here, feeling like I’m unraveling.
I want to cry, scream, yell—something, anything. But it’s like I have no voice for this. So, I just hold it in, hold back the tears to avoid the awkward questions.
Writing has been an outlet lately, but maybe that’s why my front is cracking. Telling my story, putting words to the things I’ve buried, it feels like I’m giving power to my past. Maybe I’m not ready to face it all yet. But the mental health team thinks I need to. They want me to work through it, to learn how to cope, how to regulate the emotions I’ve spent a lifetime avoiding.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is that this mask is slipping, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep holding it up.
I just need to hold out, hold out till February 10th mainly so I can talk to my GP openly about this.
Professionals have told me this is because I never really learned how to express my emotions or felt safe enough to. So, I found ways to cope that aren’t exactly healthy.
And now, here I am—dissociating more and more, even when driving (which, yeah, isn’t great or safe), just to keep this front from shattering completely
.They’re looking into my referral, checking where I am on the waitlist. That’s all it is for now. Just a process. Just another step. But while they do that, I’m here, feeling like I’m unraveling.
I know things are getting worse because I don’t really care about myself right now. Driving at high speeds just to feel something—that’s on my safety plan, so I guess it’s a warning sign. There are other things too, things I don’t want to admit out loud. But I can’t call the mental health team. The fear, the anxiety, the uncertainty—it keeps me frozen.
I want to cry, scream, yell—something, anything. But it’s like I have no voice for this. So, I just hold it in, hold back the tears to avoid the awkward questions.
Writing has been an outlet lately, but maybe that’s why my front is cracking. Telling my story, putting words to the things I’ve buried, it feels like I’m giving power to my past. Maybe I’m not ready to face it all yet. But the mental health team thinks I need to. They want me to work through it, to learn how to cope, how to regulate the emotions I’ve spent a lifetime avoiding.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is that this mask is slipping, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep holding it up.
I just need to hold out, hold out till February 10th mainly so I can talk to my GP openly about this.
Maybe ill summarise my stories and show my posts on here just to convey the immense struggle that I hide.
But also hold out longer till the 12th - maybe the ED nurse can help?
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that is a lot to be carrying, and i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. it makes complete sense that things are bubbling over after holding everything in for so long. even though masking worked for you before, it sounds like your mind and body are telling you it’s not sustainable anymore. that is NOT a failure on your part, it’s just a sign that you deserve real support, not just survival mode.
i know it must be overwhelming, but i’m really glad you have those appointments coming up. even though waiting is hard, you’re still moving forward, step by step, and in the meantime, you don’t have to go through this alone, we will always be here to listen whenever you need to talk, with no judgment.
it’s also really strong of you to recognise the warning signs. i know calling the mental health team feels impossible, but you deserve support!! if it helps, maybe you could write down what you’d want to say in a call, or even ask someone to call with you?
if sharing your writing feels like a way to express what’s hard to say out loud, then definitely do use here - we’ll always be here!! your feelings and your struggles, they matter, and you don’t have to carry them all on your own.
please, keep holding on. we see you, and we’re here - you’ve got this, we believe in you🩷
Faking how you feel, is so exhausting and to keep this on for a long time is literally not possible..
You say you need to hold on till February.. I know I'm speaking to you on thw other thread but you can let out at the GP.. don't hold on.. honestly every tike I go to the docs I end up crying at first I think it worried her but I think she now realises it just me letting out..
Can you have moments at home where you can let out?
You mentioned that your mental health team have been talking with you about learning to feel and express your emotions so that you can move through them and make new sense of the past. And yet, this feels extremely intimidating because avoiding these emotions has been such a key part of how you've coped over the years. I hear you.
Beginning to make more space for your emotions to breathe can truly feel so frightening, particularly if you're afraid they might overwhelm or consume you. I wonder if there are any emotions specifically that feel more scary than the others?
You mentioned that you don't know what to do, and it is so valid that you feel stuck right now. I really do hear your dilemma - wanting to get support and growing exhausted of wearing this mask, and yet, feeling afraid of what you'll find if you begin to listen into yourself more and what you need.
I suppose what I want to say is that you don't have to start this process alone. They say that the most healing part of counselling/psychotherapy/ mental health support in general is the relationship, and I think that's really telling! Emotional regulation is typically a skill we learn through relationship with others, and more specifically, through having positive experiences of being heard, understood, and accepted by others in ways that then help us to grow trust and self-compassion. Already, messaging us here on Boards is a great part of that - leaning on your Community, and expressing your feelings to us. You're already taking such great steps
If helpful, I will share below some resources that talk about emotional regulation and how to begin naming your feelings in the moment. I want to say though, if you do not feel safe to lean into specific emotions on your own that is absolutely valid and you should respect your own pace:
Thank you for sharing about this, Lottie. We will drop you a DM to check in.
Sending hugs and we're here for you without judgement. You get to go at your own pace here
all i want to do is keep up this front it needs to be sustained i can't breakdown infront of anyone
. But this is exactly what I need to hear. I always say im 'thriving' but actually I am just in survival mode 😕.
unfortunately there isant anyone that I could ask to do this with me, then with writing things down its just getting over my inital anxiety and fear of actually phoning the number. It's just an endless loop.
Writing does help but even if I was to share it all on here I feel like I'd raise too many concerns 😟 potential safeguard or breaking community guidelines - but idk ill see how i feel about it
I can't thank this community enough for the support I feel more heard here than anywhere else currently 💕 and its nice to not feel so alone with all the chaos in my m head
I want it all to be possible but know it's not possible and its exhausting to try and keep it up - mainly trying to keep track of the white lies ive told to avoid questions or concern.
I vaule your comments of advice, support and encouragement on both threads @Invisible_me ❤️
I don't feel able to let it out at the GP- too many people know me and my family and if they see me walk out crying or anything as I fear someone might say something to my family etc - like i know the GP can't say anything due to confidentiality but its anyone else that I see. So whenever I go see it's like this part of me is left at the door and I'm 'fine and normal' when I speak to anyine at the GP surgery.
There's no time at home to have moments where I can let it out, there's always someone home and can't have anyone finding out anything 😟
Thank you again 💕
Thank you for taking the time to reas this post and make a comment ❤️
See i never see this as a strength to actually 'name' it and let other know - in my head i always see this as an weakness coz i can't do it alone anymore. I hate admitting and being vulnerable (especially to people i don't really know) about what's going on, ive always learnt that this is when I get hurt and no one actually cares, so its my default to put up this front 😔.
This is what they want me to do when I actually work with CEDT which is the other team I've been referred to. Like I don't know how much i want this, it means moving away from my behaviours I find 'safe' and that 'work', but they know I can't continue loke this for much longer given my history etc.
• Fear
• Panic
• Anger
• Sadness
• Hopelessness
• Inadequacy
• Insignificant
Just to pick out a few at the moment
This is exactly what the mental health team believe i was lacking growing up due to personal factors at home and that there wasn't really time for it. But also that I never had postitve experiences or saw postitve examples of how to properly and safely regulate my emotions, I learnt other ways to cope that are not seen as 'healthy. Im just scared that when I start therapy with CEDT they are going to try and get me to build a better relationship with my parents and family.
Thank you for the resources, i don't know if im ever gonna be ready to lean into specific emotions alone let alone name them - i think this is what i hate about everything that im actually gonna have to acknowledge and name emotions on a deeper level 😟
Thanks again for ypu message of support i will forever be greatful for this community
I am hearing this is potentially because they have not given you what you need before and the distance you have consequently built with other people, am I hearing this right? Thank you for being one of our wonderful community members - you matter to us!
Thank you @Laura_tigger82
I dont really feel brave or strong about any of this - but everyone keeps saying I am.
I am worried and scared that I'll have to build a better relationship with my parents and family and its mainly coz it means actually telling them what's wrong and unraveling alot of different things that ive pushed down. It's also that whenever I've tried talking and like setting boundaries particularly with my mental health they don't listen and do the complete opposite making me feel like I can rely on them or ask for support. There's also the part of me that doesn't want to make them out to bad parents and that they failed me - i always say i failed myself no one else failed me.
the thing is idk. Like i always say that 'clearly I'm the broken child's because both me and my 3 older siblings were brought up the same way and they are fine - so there must be something wrong with me. And its like when I was younger I was always seen as the 'favourite' child but I wasnt or anything - i just don't really know what happened with my childhood; somthings clearly happened or changed early on for me to be the way im am 😔.
Thank you again for the message of support