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im at breaking point.
eylah
Posts: 4,674 The Mix Elder
im struggling sm with everything going on rn. i keep blaming myself for my best friend death my dad is agreeing with me to. 
my mh is so bad rn bc of everything going on atm. i feel so useless and i have no purpose. i have nothing to live for anymore. ( safe not suicidal ). i am missing my mum sm i was gonna see her but got upset and left bc the hospital she at is triggering for me. idk why im having to deal alone with this bc im struggling sm with it im sobbing rn i cant control myself anymore. i was hoping was getting help when i od but im not. the ed team was supposed to ring me last week but they didnt i feel so let down alone useless. i have nooone i have no friends no family to turn to. i dont know what i do wrong to be hurt sm i don’t deserve thus im so tired and i feel so tired of waking up every day thinking its not getting better. im so lonely 😭. i want better in my life i cant di anything else to get help. im ssfe. 😭😭. i try to do things for others ppl but i dint get it back its breaking me. my heart is so damaged. 😭. im safe.
my mh is so bad rn bc of everything going on atm. i feel so useless and i have no purpose. i have nothing to live for anymore. ( safe not suicidal ). i am missing my mum sm i was gonna see her but got upset and left bc the hospital she at is triggering for me. idk why im having to deal alone with this bc im struggling sm with it im sobbing rn i cant control myself anymore. i was hoping was getting help when i od but im not. the ed team was supposed to ring me last week but they didnt i feel so let down alone useless. i have nooone i have no friends no family to turn to. i dont know what i do wrong to be hurt sm i don’t deserve thus im so tired and i feel so tired of waking up every day thinking its not getting better. im so lonely 😭. i want better in my life i cant di anything else to get help. im ssfe. 😭😭. i try to do things for others ppl but i dint get it back its breaking me. my heart is so damaged. 😭. im safe. keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
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Comments
I'm aware the staff team checked in with you via DM to share some services that can help you through this really difficult period with your grief. I'll pop them again below:
There's an organisation called Grief Encounter which aims to provide support to anyone who has suffered from a bereavement. They run a helpline and their website also contains helpful resources. They are open Monday - Friday from 9am - 9pm. You can call them on 0808 802 0111, email them at grieftalk@griefencounter.org.uk or visit their website at www.griefencounter.org.uk for their counselling service and more information.
Support After Murder and Manslaughter (SAMM) is a an organisation supporting those that have been bereaved by murder or manslaughter. Their volunteers can offer one-to-one peer support for as long as a person needs it. This can be done over the phone or via a video link. You can call them on 0121 472 2912, or text 07342 888570 or email them at info@samm.org.uk. They also have a range of information and an online support forum on their website at https://samm.org.uk/
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, especially with everything you’re going through. Please try to be kind to yourself right now. You’re carrying a lot, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it, even if it feels like the help isn’t coming as quickly as you need. You deserve support, and I’m so sorry you’ve been let down by those who should be there for you. Could you follow up with the ED team to check in with them? You deserve to hear from them.
I know it’s hard, but try to hold on to the fact that you’re doing your best. You’re still here, still trying, even when it feels like everything is against you. That shows so much strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You are not useless or purposeless - your life has meaning, and your pain is real and valid.
It’s okay to miss your mum and feel triggered by the hospital. And it’s okay to take care of yourself by stepping away when things feel too much. Do you feel comfy sharing a bit more around those triggers you're experiencing at the hospital?
You deserve to have people around you who care. I can see you've mentioned that you're safe and aren't experiencing suicidal thoughts. But if things get too much, please remember to reach out to these services below (you don't have to be in crisis to reach out either):
Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
Childline | call 0800 11 11
Sending hugs
I’m so sorry to hear all of this, we’re here for you
i feel like im at fault bc he offered me to go out with him the night he was taken from this world but i refused bc i wasnt comfortable bc my ex goes out etc. so didnt but that was night he was taken by a individual who is nasty nasty person. so i blame myself if i was with him id protect him
i am gonna try talk to my gp abt the ed yes, bc she was one who referred me. i have had so many incidents in the hospital mum is at bc of my mh and police treating me poorly there. so i feel triggered going there. thankyou gemma again
thankyou toe i appreciate your continuous support to me i appreciate it all your a lovely person who has heart of pure love.
ive just tried talking to him abt it bc its upsetting me and he told me to shut up and just to stop talking to him. but in a more obnoxious way but im not gonna say what he said bc its disgusting. im sry for venting but its so shit how your own blood father would want me 💀 then alive.
Your feelings are valid here and you do not deserve to be made to feel that way. Is there anything which might help at the moment? For example, is there anyone else who you feel would be able to listen and you feel comfortable, safe and valid talking to?
When you say you don't feel safe with him in the house I want to clarify if this puts you in any danger. You deserve to feel safe in your own home without worry. Is there anywhere you are able to stay as a back-up if you ever needed it? I know you said you would look into the links Gemma posted above- I think that would be a good idea just make sure your being provided with the correct support.
Wishing your mum a speedy recovery in the hospital too. I can understand her being away also fuels more anxiety for you and you are doing so well to reach out about all of this.
You are not alone Eylah- we are here for you
sending a big hug
thankyou sry i appreciate your kindness.
Did you manage to look into some of those links I shared above? It's really positive that you mentioned being open to them.
It sounds like you were having a panic attack last night - it's no wonder you're feeling anxious, overwhelmed and stressed with everything going on. We're here for you - let us know how you're doing today.