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Anorexia TW

ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
edited August 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
I first wrote so much but I deleted it all because I think it was okay but maybe too triggering

basically just Relapsing pretty bad now i don’t know how to stop and losing lot of weight & getting really low in weight again and feeling like I'm achieving something and I kinda feel proud about it (which I know I shouldn't cause I'm not overweight or anything). I feel like I'm feeling cleaner / better and I'm not sure I would like to recover now but I know I do cause it's a waste of a life and will make me feel more suicidal in the end or I'd end up forced feed. My family try to give me food and I eat some , the rest i either hide it or refuse. I'm scared they're going to ring someone to make me eat more and shove shit down my throat or nose when I'm feeling as clean since abuse. :)
i think I'm just writing this cause feeling alone and wondering if anyone else is restricting & feeling similar for it.  im doing really obsessive things which I don't think go against the rules but maybe shouldn't say but I feel alone and it's horrible but it's kinda a distraction and achieveing something and when I get signs of losing weight I feel really proud???://////  I can't seek help for this. Because Ive been under adult eating disorder service before  & did have therapy for it but it wasn't good & I doubt they'd care now since I've already had the help. So guess I'm stuck & I just wish I could sleep until I reach my goal weight. & it keeps being hard to breath after eating and I'm not sure why. Fatty heart?
Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
Kathleen07LibbyButterfly23Maddie05itsquietuptown
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Comments

  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Postholic
    It sounds like your anorexia is a really big struggle right now :( I understand feeling proud and like you're achieving something, and feeling cleaner.

    I'm not personally having this sort of issue but I just wanted to say you have so much strength and can overcome this. Please try to eat enough, for me if nothing else <3
    Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    Thank you. I've woke up really wanting to die because I know my family will make me eat again & is rather die. I wish I lived alone I could probably die from it if they wasn't around 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I want to die so bad 😭
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    It's soo bad that I feel like harming myself just so I can go in hospital & will be distraction from them making me eat. Or just die cause I'm fed up. But an safe rn
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    I just deleted my whole album of photos of my body checks. Over 1,000 pictures. Big deal to delete them all cause I keep them for progress but I thought maybe might help. But I know I will carry on anyway 
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    I really need help 😭😭😭I seem to keep spending a lot of time on the internet finding " pro ana" things. It's like I want to be sick(v underweight) to see it & feel proud & to finally be happy.  Sickoo. It hard to listen to my side o my brain that is telling me all the bad stuff that happened when I got really underweight but I can't help ignore it when my other side is telling me to keep going 
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    Omg I so want to die. I keep picturing it and how it's the end. A way to gaurantee to feel no pain after that, no over thinking, no stress or anxiety, no way to regret it, only to feel peace. I love sleep. I'm completly safe right now and do not have the means to kill myself as I would like. & I don't have plans either. But I do keep thinking of it. Just want to leave my body , change it completly or just die 
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07Maddie05
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Postholic
    Aww Shaunie, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this <3 I can relate to a lot of what you say. It's so distressing to want to die so bad.

    If it helps at all, I definitely echo what the one side of your brain is telling you. It sounds like this isn't going to result in anything good. I'm concerned and don't think you should keep going. I believe in you, you can stop, and there are better ways to go. I don't want to put pressure on you so just give me a shout if encouragment doesn't help, but just remember you're stronger than the anorexia and we're here to help you through it. I'm proud of your strength.

    Sending massive hugs <3
    Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    I lost x amount of weight and omg I am sooo happy. This is why I cant seek help lol I'm so happy now. I brought 3 weighing scales probs why I have no money -  cause yeah was having trust issues with them lol and they all say I lost weight and that I'm very underweight and I feel like my body is more clean. It's less full of shit
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    OMG I swear I want to fucking die. My family just made me eat chocolate 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭well now that fat will stick to me because of eating less it will be like oh I'll stick that on her because i don’t know when next will eat bad food. I want to die 😭😭😭😭😭😭
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    Not in crisis. But say if I was. What would I do. I don't want to be arrested or in prison for harming myself. Feel like either die or don't die. Don't seek hel
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    Ummm. Maybe TMI but it's just life so I'll get over it lol

    but I feel like there is something really wrong with my body. Just basically haven't pooed for like 6 days so like basically a week. Am I dying lol. I don't understand. I still have to take laxatives once and a while. But they're not working like at all now. Like idk. But I know like when you restrict your food it can happen but still like a week is not normal??
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Maddie05
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,499 Ultimate Poster
    Shaunie said:
    I just deleted my whole album of photos of my body checks. Over 1,000 pictures. Big deal to delete them all cause I keep them for progress but I thought maybe might help. But I know I will carry on anyway 
    So so proud of you for this, I know how hard it can be! 

    I'm so sorry you're struggling with your eating disorder just now, all I can do is send hugs and suggest you think of all the reasons you wanted to recover last time.

    as for the crisis question, I would suggest if you were in crisis to phone the crisis team or go to a&e… they can offer some more support for you <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    ShaunieMaddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    I feel so fucking awful for wasting my families food 😭😭😭😭. Hiding food in a way the haven't found out and I feel so sooo bad 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 but I cant help it. I don’t know how to stop 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I feel like running away & doing what ,i don’t know but I don't want to eat or be alive 😭😭😭😭😭 they don't have a lot of money and it is and I'm wasting it 😭😭😭😭😭😭 the guilt is not even enough to make me stop. So fucking selfish. I need help but I don't know if I want any help ?:(
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    Thank you for support. But I flagged this up to be deleted because my other side of my brain was more loud and told me that I don't need help for this and that this is a coping skill but now I'm not sureClearly fucking not when I want to die or run away really badly
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07Maddie05
  • Butterfly23Butterfly23 Miniposter England Posts: 817 Incredible Poster
    Hey Shaunie, 

    Thing's sound really difficult for you at the moment, I just wanted to remind you that we are all here to support you and that i'm really proud of you for opening up to us.  <3


    ShaunieMaddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    Thanks. But It's getting harder to food and my weight lose :'( and I feel so bad 😭😭😭😭😭
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Butterfly23Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    Omg I just stood up and I could not see anything. I mean I do get the dots in my eyes when I stand up sometimes but I can still see but I couldn't see at all. Is It because too much fat has gone to my heart
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    I have a blood tests on Tuesday again. Because I can't breath so wanted to check my iron levels again. And well I know maybe my iron levels my be bad because that happens when restricting. But that's not causing my breathing being bad & when I do get low iron do tell me I have low iron probably from not eating enough. But what anout reason why I cant breath. Cause it's not always when I have low iron. :( & I'm soo fed up. And I'm scared that it maybe obvious from the blood tests of my restricting other than maybe anemia But I doubt it 
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07Maddie05
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Postholic
    I understand your concern around seeking help if you were in crisis. I don't think they'd arrest you or get you in prison for calling 999 if you had hurt yourself. It's their job to help and keep people safe. You may have to let them treat you and make sure you don't act violent or keep hurting yourself - not saying you would <3 - but they couldn't get you in trouble for using their service for the thing they're there for.

    Please try not to feel too bad about hiding your family's food. You're suffering with an illness, not trying to waste it. It's not selfish <3

    I think it's fairly common to not poo when you're not eating much. Poo is the body's way of getting rid of excess waste, so if you're eating really little, it will have to save as much food as possible. There's obviously no need to answer if you'd rather not, but have you gone yet since writing that? If you haven't, it could be worth seeing a doctor about it?

    Do you think it would help you to throw out your scales? I've heard some people say that's helped them with their eating disorder.

    You honestly don't have a fatty heart. I'm sure of that, I don't know if that's of any reassurance but I don't think you could have one. Especially when you're not at all overweight and you're young <3 If anything, maybe you couldn't see anything because you're not eating enough?

    I'm sorry you're feeling bad, do you want to talk about anything?

    Sending loving hugs <3
    ShaunieMaddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    Thank you @Kathleen07 <3

    im literally having dreams of eating too much & then killing myself cause I cant take the guilt so I'm awake at 3 because I just woke up from that dream. :(

    I have been for a poo since writing that lol so I ain't dying in those terms sadly. 

    I feel sooo bad I just wanna die :'( 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I just keep thinking way head of time of how I'm going to avoid food. & so fed up. I feel like Im achieving something I don't wanna ruin any of it. Like ffs achieve something that actually matters. 

    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07Maddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    I think it's all down to trauma tbh. I kinda knew something would come up if I started seeing rape crisis. 

    I feel disgusting in my body when I see it is the same body that is what happened when I did what he forced me to do. So I just wanna change it as much as possible by making it look different and because I feel disgusting from it and want to make my body clean in anyway and I see fat on me as disgusting so being clean and empty is losing weight. And also because I didn't have control over my body then so I can control what I put into my mouth and it will control my whole body and it feels great to have that control now. 

    My old CC said I could get into crisis once I start seeing rape crisis and she did mention about my eating problems too as thinking even more about the trauma and feeling disgusting.  On discharge she gave me paper of Mind charity of where they have a service for 6 weeks if I was to get that bad again she said I could use that. I can't find the paper
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Maddie05
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Postholic
    It sounds so horrible for you right now :(

    It makes sense that you feel that way from the trauma. Do you think there's any alternatives that could help you cope with those feelings? For example, you could move around whenever you feel that loss of control over your body? Or you said not long ago that you were trying to eat healthy things to feel clean instead of taking laxatives?
    ShaunieMaddie05
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    I don’t know how to stop now 😭😭😭😭 I feel so bad. Everyday is so shit and i don’t know why I'm alive. And now I'm on way to the pub when went for breakfast - said this last time and I refused to eat anything even tho they offered to pay. I just said I wouldn't. But I feel like I can't say that this time otherwise they're going to watch me. But fml i don’t know want to eat and I may pretend I got lost on my way and get off some random stop.  Because tbf I haven't been before so could get lost lol
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Butterfly23Maddie05Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    Omgg I really want to die
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Butterfly23Maddie05Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    Well this is great. Texting me 247 to share my location to make sure I get here so there's no way I can avoid. Lol wish I was dead


    Edit.  no it's all fine lol. Don't have to eat at pub 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂yay
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Butterfly23Maddie05Kathleen07
  • Maddie05Maddie05 UK/NottinghamPosts: 56 Miniposter
    Hang on there Shaunie <3
    I have a similar problem to you, but you seem to have it worse, you can get through it! If I am coping, you can achieve too! <3
    Take care, hopefully I'll see you on the chat rooms at 8! <3

    - Maddie
    Butterfly23Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    I hope I don't trigger people <3
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    I think I'm definelty anemic now. I literally can't stand up without getting lots dots in my eyes. Either anemic or lack of food. Or fatty heart or something. But this is going to be really annoying becaus I have blood tests tomorrow and they're going to say my breathing could be from anemia now. But no because I couldn't breath when I wasn't anemic and I'm scared something else will show that I'm not eating well. I'm losing weight really fast & my bmi is low. I dk I think i really need help otherwise I think I'm going to end up dead or in hospital,  and i really hate hospitals now, so I kinda want help. And unlikely dead cause someone' would find out before that. 
    but I don't think I do actually want help.  Idk. Shall I tell my gp or not. Thankful the name of the person who going to do my blood tests - never heard of so she won't notice any weight loss

    idek what to do. 
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Butterfly23
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Postholic
    I think telling your GP tomorrow would be a great idea if you're comfortable <3 Though it's understandable that you feel you don't want it, I think those feelings are part of the problem. I think you need help and I hope you can reach out. 

    Let us know how it goes x 
    Butterfly23Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 8,158 Boards Champion
    edited August 2019
    Sorry. I'm not sure I want help for this anymore. I saw I lost weight again this morning and it's too addictive to want to stop now. Ignore me. Any luck I'll die I'll get a cardic arrest & die. (not that I'm doing this to die) just, I'm sad. Not going to speak about this anymore cause I'm scared I'm triggering aswell

    pretend this thread is closed. Thank you
    Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings 
    Kathleen07
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