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Anorexia TW

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 1,084 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie, :heart:

    It sounds like you are struggling, we are here for you and care about you :heart:

    https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/ <Beat has some amazing support and infomation, could be worth checking out if you get a chance. :heart:

    How would you feel about talking to your GP? About how your feeling, and what your going through, may be worth it cause they may be able to offer you some more support, no pressure though, you are doing really well opening up on here, :heart:

    You mention not being sure if you want help anymore, what's making you feel that way? 

    We are always here for you Shaunie :heart:

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Shaunie... :(<3

    I know you said to pretend this thread is closed, I just wanted to say it's good to talk and we've got your back if you ever want to. Don't worry about triggering someone - you put a warning on the title and you're staying within the guidelines.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Deleted - sorry thank you
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Sorry I know I'm really contradictive. And am annoying. But think I want help. I honestly can't take the guilt of wasting food any longer. And feeling so weak but honestly I really had intention of eating it all but then I saw it and I just couldn't. I had my blood tests yesterday. They said I should know the results after Thursday. So I'll ring Friday if not heard Thursday. If anemic then I'm scared my gp will already know it's cause am not eating enough.

     I'm going to do my best to eat before gets even worse where I don't even wanna try to eat cause lost so much weight where won't wanna ruin it even more.  So if I'm still eating so little I may ring my gp. But then idek what help they could give. I've already been under their Eating disorder service. Only thing they could do is regular check ups. But am scared they'd tell my family if I told my gp. Because my family would be really shocked about how I pretend to eat some things and then omg would be embarrassing & they would be more suffocating.

    But i say all this. I clearly have no intention of helping myself when I literally asked my sister to please give me money and pay her back cause I need money because my phone credit runs out. But it's not for that I'm literally in town and want to buy something that I think will hide the fact eating is getting worse. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 wasting more money obviously but idek😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Is it even wasting food if I feel that tiny bit clean and more control of my dirty body by doing it 😶 and better than eating it to feel guilty ? just want to eat and not feel guilty & less fat going to heart

    edit. No yeah it is wasting food cause may aswell not buy it for me and someone else eat it. Lol was clearly trying to make myself feel better
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Shaunie,

    I just wanted to pop in a say that you are a lot stronger than you think and that we are always here for you.  <3

    Sending hugs,

    Butterfly x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thank you. But Omg now i feel bad you're wasting your time on me. I'm no one. I am greateful but am no one.
     feel bad for saying. But I know maybe I don't mean it but I don't want help actually. The thing I brought I think is going to work really well and I kinda feel better and it's gunna make my family less suspicious and I just remember that when gp do weekly check ups & they send to hospital if get a very bad check up. And omg I don't want that. They can't even help me. So no point 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    You're not annoying at all and it's understandable to be contradictive <3 It sounds like you have a lot of conflicting feelings about whether you want to stop or not.

    There's no pressure to do or not do anything but I think you should get help.

    You're not no one and nobody could waste their time on you. You're a really nice, valued person, the world needs your light <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thank you. I'm waiting for tomorrow for hoping results from blood tests. And I'm hoping something came up on my blood tests cause i actually can't breath properly right now. Im so fed up of it. It's like constantly and like something I have to do now (trying catch my breath). I hope I'm seriously anemic and it's making me hard to breath. But yeah I can't even take the pills now so i don’t know 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I just want to say soooo many  of things I do and think about. It's all so physical & probably against guidelines. Plus disgusting. But so hard not to say. 😣😣😣😭😭😭😭 I'm so alone with it. I used 121 beat and I wanted to just speak to someone about these things. But they clearly didn't wanna listen cause they just kept talking about different services. Obviously not the type of service to speak about how feel and referral sort. So I'll keep to myself.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Omg I told myself I won't post on here again today. Actually selfish now need to shut up n
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    There's no need to shut up Shaunie, I'm glad you're talking.

    My inbox is always open if you need to vent about things that may not be allowed on here, I know I'm not a professional or very useful haha but I'm always here <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I think i will actuLly see my gp next week. Maybe. 
    The rest of this week I will try to eat better. But I doubt I will and if not then maybe. I know I will change my mind over a 100 times on that so I'll won't mention it again unless I've rang them lol. 

    But my heart feels weird. It keeps like doing half heart palpitations or something. It's not fast but not slow and not heart palpitations. Idek what it is but it's been kinda feeling weird for the past hour
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Omg. I passed out. What does that mean. Dyinggg from fatty heart
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Shaunie, 

    I am glad to hear that you are maybe going to see your GP next week, how are you feeling about this at the moment? Going to your GP is a really brave and admirable thing to do, and I am proud of you for wanting to take that leap.  <3

    You mentioned that your heart feels weird, and that you feel palpitations occurring, this sounds really difficult and stressful for you. Do you think that this might be linked to anxiety? or something else?

     If it is anxiety, it may be helpful to try some breathing exercises. There is a really useful one called the 4-7-8 technique:

    To use the 4-7-8 technique, focus on the following breathing pattern:

    • empty the lungs of air
    • breathe in quietly through the nose for 4 seconds
    • hold the breath for a count of 7 seconds
    • exhale forcefully through the mouth, pursing the lips and making a "whoosh" sound, for 8 seconds
    • repeat the cycle up to 4 times

    Here is a link to the website, with this technique on in case you would like to read more about it and its benefits: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324417.php

    I remember you talking to us before about your breathing difficulties, and it sounds exhausting if it is a constant issue for you.  <3

    I hope that you feel better soon!

    Butterfly x




  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks. But I don't want help. I wish die. Won't see my gp. I am an actual waste. Wasting peoples time and food. Just wait to die like everyone else is 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Hi Shaunie, 

    I just wanted to check in with you this afternoon to see how you are doing? 

    I understand having anorexia can be really challenging, has there been anything that has helped you manage with this. I want to echo something @Stephanie said on Tuesday, The beat team are there to help you if you require they have some really useful articles about speaking to your GP about an eating disorder and how to re access support if you require. 

    You mentioned wasting peoples time and food, I'm sure your not. People want to help you so you can continue fighting for what you want to do in life. There is always support there for you if you need it the Beat team run a chat 5:30pm to 7pm every day, 365 days a year. There helplines are always open as well if you feel you want 1-2-1 support. As well the mix are here for you as well Shaunie. We want to help you get through this, I really hope things start to improve and in time you can maybe reach out for support when you feel ready. 

    <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thank you. @Abi

    Ive been to a couple of those Beats chat & not really helpful to me tbh. Takes ages for just one message to send. 

    Don't wanna be overdramatic. But I feel like I could be dying right now. I feel so weak now & really dizzy. 
    Jelous at everyone who is eating. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I don't think I'm sick enough to see my gp anyway. I've gone past underweight and anorexia weight. But still no where near the weight I was when they cared. they like people to be half dead when you see them so I think they won't care actually anyway. So nevermind but thanks
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Maybe triggering 

    okay so this is only going to get worse. I know my family pretty well and I think they have stopped completly giving me breakfast and lunch. Whole family who only cares about dinner. They only start watching me to eat once something pops up(like going to hospital) then they're like omg feed her. Then a few weeks later they wouldn't give a shit. I do not help my self to food round the house and they know I only eat what they give me (unless I binge eat). Not like I actually eat all of what they give me anyway. I hide food in ways they haven't found out yet and idk I kinda feel better that going to waste less food. But kinda like no one cares now they're not so much watching me eat as much. Like lol contradictive. 

    I so want to eat so much. But I just look at it and be like "you're body is already dirty. Don't deserve any food"
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Welll that is my life ruined. 

    I passed out again. But in front of my family this time. 😭😭😭😭 they was like "you said yesterday you wasn't anemic, why did you pass out" they have found where I hide my food and I think they're secretly disgusted 😭😭😭😭😭😭well that's it. I have no more hiding places. So my life's fucked and now they're going to be watching my swollow it.

     Fml. I am going to get fat 😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Fml what do i do now. 😭😭😭😭 omg so sad. They actually nice about it for once. & haven't said once about food being wasted. There is literally no way out of it now. Maybe I need to get a job & live home alone, could ealisy wait to die
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Fucking hell. I'm so fucking pissed off. I'm going to go back to being disgusting and eating food I don't deserve and having no control over anything and being suffocated. And  I actually lost so much weight, someone at work even asked. and that is all going to be wasted now. Going to be  a fucking massive shit. Like I ain't already ducking disgustin. Omg why pass out in front of them. 
    I don't want to speak anymore or even even move or do anything
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    TRIGGER WARNING 

    i feel like i ate too much yesterday cause of my family making sure I actually ate.
    I've taken laxatives all for the wrong reasons. Not neasicaly to lose weight cause I know you don't lose weight & it's bad to do, it's only water weight that gain back but I just wanted to see scale not go up. And I'm really craving a clean and empty feeling from  my dirty body😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭I feel like dying 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2019
    None of this matters
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    :(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Shaunie,

    Hope your okay :heart: sending hugs
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    You have to ignore me. I'm banned
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2019
    Not okay obviously
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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