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Anorexia TW

124

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 17
    Heyy
    thank you. Gunna ring my gp hopefully thursday but then i still dont know cause i still havent had a morning where someone is not in the room next to me :(. I don’t mind saying it to my gp cause they know abused laxatives before & cause slight problems. Its just a bit uncomfortable saying it while family near. My family found out i was using laxatives years ago annd would have no idea now & its just embarrassing. 

    But i just weighed myself now and im actually just about healthy weight now 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 idek how possible. my birthday really didnt help and still got so much chocolate that they gave me 😭i feel like before i know it i will be fat 😭😭😭😭😭. But my family going to back to work soon, thursday so ill be able to restrict and have control and planning to start restricting & hiding food after thurday.

    ive emailed mind
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    AifeButterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 18
    I have actaully been trying to seek support for this. I started to try Beats websites services but all of that is not helpful and has made me feel worse if anything, so i think i give up on that now. Not a big lose cause barely used it. I tried so just gunna go back to restrictimg 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    Ffs to not get my period is just one small reason i should restrict. Now have period, cant remember last period before this but definelty was not the same while restricting. Fml i dont want to be reminded of when was bleeding after rape. Obviiusly different so sounds pathetic but i always still feel triggered. But does mean lots of water retention so maybe thats why scales gone up so much
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    Email back from mind 

    Currently in ...., we are hosting Good Mood Cafes in local community cafes that are available for anyone to access – you can just pop in! These cafés run once a week from the ...... (Thursdays 12 – 1.30) and......Community Café (Starting Monday 7th October 11 – 12:30).
    These two hour informal ‘get togethers’ are designed to connect individuals to other like-minded people within their communities; offer wellbeing support and share interests and skills.
     
    We also run Open Door Calm spaces on a Wednesday. These 2 hour sessions also offer guidance on self-help techniques which can help you to ‘ground yourself’ and feel better – both in that moment and in the future.
    There is no waiting list, but please call us in advance on ..... if you would like to attend any of our sessions.
     
    Also within ....., we offer Personality Disorder Peer Support Groups and Hearing Voices Peer Support Groups. I’ve attached a referral for you to complete if these groups are relevant for you. Once you’ve completed the referral send it back to us and we will contact you to discuss our Peer Support groups further.

     

    Wheres the 6 weeks one :/ and is the peer supoort groups with peer supoort workers. Feel like i literally know all peer support workers in my area now so i wouldnt wanna do that

    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder

    Went out with two friends today. Was really anxious  to cause food. We went to nandos. Now im feeling proper guilty. I had a reall nice day though. Was a friend from school and i have seen her a good few times since then. Shes at uni so a proper party person so im going to meet her a Nottingham again some time soon to go on a night out + her friends and im actually really excited but scared. Shes going back to uni tomorrow - nottingham and she wants me to stay over for freshers. Woildnt that be weird if i dont go uni there? Im defintly going in november for her birthday. 


    Other friend ended up meeting us, know from school but i hvent actually meet her since school so that was really nice. So like 4 years ago i think. And she was just so shocked at how skinny i am now. I mean was i fat in school. Probs just healthy. My eating disorder got really bad literally right after school so i was pretty healthy looking at school. But my other friend know my mental health is bad but i dont say anything about food cause i dont want to feel pressure when i do eat & yeah other one dont know have MH since havent spoken to her since but she may of told her. But anyway i sound so lazy since ive basically felt like ive done nothing since school. They have a lot of things to say and i literally have nothing and that felt really shitty and like im boring. 


    And i just cant say how triggered i am by her saying how much weight ive lost since school:'(. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭did she mean i was fat at school or what. I dont think ive ever acfually been overweight so maybe just saying i lost a lot. Triggering either way. 


    I also am restricting again. I weighed myself this morning and im back to underweight. Well tbh i dont think i was actually healthy weight on tuesday like i said because i round up the numbers by a lottt. just incase, like i do with calories. But anyway i still have lost weight since then. So now had nandos i dont want to weigh myself. 


    Nice day anyways.

    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07AifeButterfly23
  • Spook98Spook98 UKPosts: 231 The Mix convert
    Hey, glad you had a good day. No it wouldn't be weird if you went out with them for freshers, plenty of people do, so I hope you go with them and enjoy it. :)

    As awkward as the weight comments may have been for you i dont think anything was meant by them. More than likely it was just idle conversation, and maybe even a compliment. Probably difficult and not much help to hear, but try not to put so much stock in the term underweight.

    Having said that I do empathise. I had a long period of being very underweight after a few personal issues, and it did damage my opinion of myself. I'm not the best person to advise, but I do hope you start to feel better about it all soon.
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    Thanks but i aint gunna meet friends again anytime soon. I have replied to her messages once since i meet up with her and i feel so bad. Just something always stops me. I only started talking to her cause she wished me a happy birthday so would of been rude not to reply. Now will go back under my rock waiting for corage to kill myself lol
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    Accidently sent before finishing. And should def be home alone for morning to ring my gp. So will just go like hey yeah so yeah i like im addictive to laxatives because i like how pooing make me feel clean. No jusy kil me i cant take life anymore
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 22
    Please help:'( i really dont want to go to work and i keep thinking of killing myself. I dont want to do anything. I just realy want to die and i feel ljke i will die soon & im just saying this because i know this is omline so may not know if i do but if i dont go on here for while it means im dead. Unless i come back after a few weeks it means i was banned lol which unlikely cause staying with guildelines. . ( not saying i have plans. Im sayin im realllyyyysuicidal so obviously i feel like i could kill myself. So just wanted to say that) and that no one should be suprised if i kill myself cause anyone believes the stuff i say then i life is totally shit and its becoming more clear that the things i try to get rid of this embarrassing thing that restricts me, the more clearer theres no hope. Unless i was to see a doctor abput it then maybe but dek but that will never happen cause too embarrassed. So will never say it but will just have to believe me when i say theres less hope now and never veen so suicidal.  Cant even say annoymously online so never will go to a doctor. Also restricting food and losing weight which idek why 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    AifeButterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    Am home alone tuesday and wednsday morning. So no excuse not to ring gp then. But i dont know if i see any point. When theres something that will never improve & i cant live a proper life & feel like no point soeaking about it when cant do anything about it. And i wont see my gp for that. And yes it is more embarrassing than being addicted to wanting to take laxatives and abusing laxaitves. So trust me is too embarrassing to seek help for. And well tbh idek if i imagine it or not brcause no one has ever told me when it happens but i think it does happen and not paraniod and if not paraniod then theres something definetly wrong with me cause ive tried everything and i feel like theres loads of small things that are connected to it that i cant say and i just think i want to end it all(safe & all that). Too sad & suicidal. Dont even have an appitite 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 23
    Decided i will def ring my gp tomorrow morning. I really want to die :'(. Dunno what i will have to say to make it same day appointment tho since not physical. Well it is kinda. But idek 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 23
    & as maybe weird as it sounds but i keep purposely triggerint myself. By watching "to the bone" and youtube shit of anything to do with eating disorders. Its like im doing my best to make it worse so it can quieten the suicidal thoughts  but not working. Im just suicidal cause no hope
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 23
    Sorry im not going to ring my gp. There is no hope and to be honest my thoughts are slowly turning into plans and i dont think i should post here now. Im basically dea
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Jade09
  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 242 Moderator
    Hey Shaunie, 

    I can hear that you are finding things difficult at the moment, and it sounds really distressing to be experiencing these feelings and thoughts. You mentioned that you feel that there is no hope, this can't be an easy emotion to be feeling. Would you like to talk more about what's led you to feel this way today?  <3

    As things seem really tough for you at the minute, remember that you can contact any of these crisis resources if things feel too much or you feel you can't keep yourself safe (in the spoiler below):

    - Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis.

    - Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

    -  Papyrus - offer non-judgemental support, advice and information to young people. You can call them at 0800 068 4141. They are open Mon-Fri 10am-10pm and 2-10pm on weekends.

    -If you have any concerns for your health or safety, call 999


    We really do care about you Shaunie, and you are always welcome to share how you are feeling here!

    Jade x


    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 23
     
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 23
     Thank you @Jade09
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Jade09
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    Hey Shaunie, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much :( I can really sense the pain you're feeling and it sounds awful. I wish I could hug you in real life and make it stop for you x

    There's no pressure on you to do or not do anything, but I think it would be good if you could try to ring your GP tomorrow. Do you think you'd be up for that? I know you're in a dark place and you deserve help. Try to get it and please don't give up on yourself.

    There is hope. It's okay that you're too embarrassed to share what the thing restricting you is, but we'll be here to listen if you do want to share it. Remember that even if it feels humilating for you, it won't be for us and we'll be okay with it, no matter what. Would you feel comfortable sharing just a bit about it? - you said it's sort of physical and sort of not (correct me if that's wrong), so for example, is it a compulsion related to your health? <3

    It sounds like it's making you horribly hopeless. You're not alone.

    It's understandable you've been trying to trigger yourself to make it worse and quieten the suicidal thoughts x It also doesn't sound pathetic at all that your period is one of the reasons you want to restrict because it reminds you of bleeding after rape. It makes sense that you're struggling with food and weight like this.

    I believe in you. You have endless strength to get through this. You can talk to a doctor about the thing restricting you when you're ready, you can get help, and better times will come. Sometimes you've got to wait it out a bit when you're so suicidal and hopeless. Take things easy and look after yourself.

    Sending all the love <3
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,662 Mega Poster
    Shaunie, you deserve help, you don't have to tell the receptionist what its about, just say it's personal and they use that, they don't ask anymore questions :)

    it's good you can express yourself here, have you tried writing a letter to your GP/team and explaining things? you could just write what you've put here :)

     sending massive hugs! <3  we all care about you, and im so sorry you're feeling this way..
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    Thank you kathleen and bubbles. Did try to ring gp but they said they need to know reason. So i just put phone down lol:/
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    Omgg have an appointment at 9:50. Was so scared to ring again. But i was just i dont want to say over the phone and she was just like have you been to see someone about it before and said yeah so booked me in. Now i dont even know what im going to say 😭😭
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    I dont want to go. I shouldmt of rang :'( they cant help me cause my answer is death. Everythint is pointles
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 25
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭well they just threw flouxatine at me again. I dont want fucking meds and i dont believe in them tbh. I said i cant even afford them cause you make me pay 4 times as much when its weekly cause of risk of overdose. So she said tell them whwn you pay for it.  And then i was like i dont think youre listening. I dont want to breath at all and i dont want meds and i was like youre not listening to the fact ive got a fatty heart either. Then she went on talking about propranolol. And eating and about eating disorder service. And panic attacks But i couldnt even tell her i was abusing laxatives again, too embarrassed and care more about fact i wanna die and  cause no one really cares. I will take the flouxatine considering ive never acrually properly taken an anti depressant for longer than a few weeks. And she was like "trust me they do work" omg how do you know that. They probably dont. It will not improve my problems

    (I did say all this in the nicest way i could btw Aha - reading back makes me sound like had arguement with her lool i didnt ah)

    i just dont want meds and thought people appeaciated that:/
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 25
    Actually i just googled flouxatine can decrease your appitiate and help binge eating disorders. Which is good cause im really wanting to binge cause of restricting and yeah hopefuly i can be very underweight soon 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 25
    Omg im actually so happy after readin that lol. The review for anti depressant decreasing your appitiate are soo good. I feel like ive just been given diet pills. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 25
    None of this matters
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    You did really well with phoning your doctor and going to the appointment <3 I'm sorry it didn't go well.

    I hope you don't mind - I read what you said in your latest post before you deleted it. It matters to me <3 I won't respond properly in case you don't want me to, but I wanted to say you're lovely. You do fit in this world.

    What would you prefer over medication? Therapy, or...? x

    Let us know how you get on with the fluoxetine and how we can support and help you x
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    edited September 25
    Idek i knew they couldnt help me and didnt even know what help i want  but just feel so bad. Idek what to do anymore. Just here (the site) for the attention, think im beyond help. Feel like im just waiting til i die but thank you
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    You're not beyond help.

    I know how horrible and unbearable it is to want to die and to be in so much pain, and I respect that it's your life and your choice. But please, don't. There is help and hope, always. I remember you've told me before that there's always a way out - I see that for you and have faith in you <3

    You mean so much.

    I really empathise and I can just imagine how hard things are for you. I'm so sad to see you feeling so bad x
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,713 The Mix Elder
    Thank you. I do believe as long as youre alive there id hope. But thats for everyone but me ofc lol. No way out when things ive tried are not imrpoving and runing out of options and hope:'(. Have counselling tomorrow
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,769 Postholic
    I know, I can relate to that lol. I'm still full of hope for you. I've heard of this quote, "if plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters." I don't know if hearing an outside perspective helps at all, but for what it's worth <3

    I hope counselling goes well.
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