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Anorexia TW

135

Comments

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,341 Part of The Furniture
    Shaunie said:
    You have to ignore me. I'm banned
    If you was banned you wouldnt be able to post on the boards 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    I want to die. 

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Kathleen07Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    edited September 2019
    No one can even be bothered to read the shit I write i don’t know why I bother. Should be banned

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Kathleen07
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,341 Part of The Furniture
    Shaunie said:
    I want to die. 
    What's making you feel like that? Do you want to talk, you could also text samaritans, or the mix crisis messenger? Are you feeling safe?
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    Shaunie said:
    No one can even be bothered to read the shit I write i don’t know why I bother. Should be banned

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,341 Part of The Furniture
    I'm reading, and listening and want to try and help if I can. 
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    But you just did what Samaritans always do. Completly not read anything of what I wrote. Then ask how I am. Because no one can be botheeed to reply so just send anything. And I'm Obviously not okay. I appreciate it and not being rude. I just dk. It's how I feel cause am no one You don't need to reply because no one else wants to. 

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,341 Part of The Furniture
    That's not true. But okay.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
    Shaunie
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,935 Extreme Poster
    Sending big hugs Shaunie. I'm reading everything you write and just wish I could say something to help you. I don't have the best brain right now to answer people, but I care very much and try to drop you hugs <3

    You definitely shouldn't be banned. You're a lovely part of this community and I'd be really sad if you ever left <3
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    Thank you @*bananaMonkey* & @Kathleen07

    im just really angry & frustated since my family making me eat more. No control. Ignore me. I'm really sorry😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,935 Extreme Poster
    Aww please don't be sorry, it's understandable you're angry and frustrated. It sounds really awful to feel you have no control :(
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    I really want to die so bad 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭don't want to live 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Butterfly23
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 783 Part of The Mix Family
    @Shaunie are you safe? 

    I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through with your eating and your family. I know they are only trying to look after you but you need to make the decision to look after yourself first <3<3

    You mentioned last week that you were going to try and see your GP, I know you said you changed your mind since then but you are worthy of help, Shaunie. It would be really great if you could try an appointment and see how you get on, but obviously your decision. 

    I don't have much knowledge/experience of anorexia so I don't feel like I can help much or give any advice about it but I just wanted to say that we really care about you here and sending all the hugs - wish could help more. 

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    edited September 2019
    Thank you. @Lucy307 <3   I am safe but I feel like running away & hiding &  living on streets away from food by myself. I feel like I can barely breath and I feel so fat. I keep thinking about seeing my gp cause of laxative use but na don't think I want to. 

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    No food will ever feel as good as when you feel so hungry you can feel it & you feel empty & flat stomach. My stomach is not flat now. My body has been dirty since abuse. I want to detox my body 

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    AifeButterfly23Jade09
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    I really obsess over my stomach - feels massive and i just want to be feel clean.
    I hide a lot of my dinner last night. They are already not watching me while i eat. And they are not gunna stare at me constantly while i eat cause weird so i hide some. I think theyre way to embarrassed to ask me if ive hide it in that place caus its pretty disgusting so im guessing they will assume if i dont look very stick thin then ill be eating it. But soon as it gets colder then i will be able to hide my weight too. 


    i know how high mortality rates are from lack of food. & i know many people die from anorexia. And My gp has told me many times i could be fine one day and then your heart just stops & i keep thinking about that & realising that wouldnt happen to ne. And i am not saying i want to eat less to die. I want to eat less to be clean. Since i wouldnt die because i have a lot of toxins in my body that dont seem to go away - when i eat less i feel that tiny bit more dirty snd lighter and clean and empty So underweight for me is healthy since less toxins in my body and heart. So it would take me very underweight to die so im not doing it to die. But i really think if i reach a certain weight then i will feel cleaner in my body and i will feel happier and more enrgy because will feel less like shitty dirt all over me. The weight i wanna be is what is seen as dangerously low but what are peope to count as dangerously low when all of our bodies are different and work differently

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Jade09
  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 576 Moderator
    Hey Shaunie,

    It sounds like you are really struggling at the moment with your relationship with food, you mentioned that you obsess over your stomach and you just want to feel clean. Do you want to talk more about what you mean by this and how it makes you feel to have these thoughts?  <3

    It's understandably difficult to be constantly thinking about food, and how to hide it. I can hear how stressful this must be. Just to clarify is the people who you are hiding the food from your family? 

    I can hear that what your GP has told you, has been playing on your mind quite a bit. You mentioned that you feel a need to reach a certain weight, in order for you to be happier as you will feel cleaner, is there a reason as to why you feel this way, that you want to talk about?  :)

    Just to add in the spoiler below are some resources that you may find helpful if you are struggling to cope as I can see from your other posts that you have been finding things difficult recently and they may be worth using, if you need them.  <3

    +Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis.

    +Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

    + Papyrus - offer non-judgemental support, advice and information to young people. You can call them at 0800 068 4141. They are open Mon-Fri 10am-10pm and 2-10pm on weekends.


    You are doing really well sharing with us here, 


    Jade x

  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    Thank you @Jade09 :)

    yeah i hide my food from my family. Ive actually found another way to hide food. Thought wasnt possible. So ive done that and works. :) and i think maybe i could reach my goal weight maybe within 6 months tho. ..  Im not weighing myself yet until i think ive reached what i was before they started making me eat more. Im also hiding food the way they know - they are just clearly not bothering to look that much probs cause probs think i wouldnt from embarrassement. But nope i would because i want a flat stomach & to feel cleaner

    As long as i stay under my TDEE i should lose Weight. But hard to count calories when youre hiding bits of food. If i leave home, live on streets ill get to my goal weight qucker - tempted to actually do that. 

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    edited September 2019
    Maybe triggering

    havent been given any food today & looks like will not til dinner. I think my dad does not like spending that much money on food :)


    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    edited September 2019
    In spolier, as talks about amounts. But not against rules so okay to read just mean like maybe triggering 


    I feel really scared for my birthday thats next week. They will give me more bad food :'(.  I think i will try to stop hiding my food until my birthday and then i will start proper restricting after my birthday and after the bad food to level it out.

    ANd i get annoyed cause i think one cares when give me less calories than meant to have. But then i think they do it because they dont want to make my thoughts of dying worse cause sometimes my dad says "eat this" and i say im not hungry and he says it wasnt an option. Then my older sister goes like "you dont have to". With a worried face like stepping on egg shells


    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    Im so sorry. I should not seek support here. Massive burden but i feel have no one else :'(

    i said i wouldnt cause i knew would trigger me but i went on scale. My weight has gone up by A LOT.  I knew would go up. But idek how its possible it gone up by that much in a week. Ive literally put all weight back on. I feel disgusted :'(. I think its cause your matabolism slows down when you eat less to survive so yeah maybe why. So just stored every single fat cause doesnt know when next will come

    Im going to start restricting now. Fml going to take forever just to get back to where i was only last week. 


    I keep getting really suicidal where i cant say more than that 😭😭😭😭😭. But i want to die so bad. But i feel like im safe for right now. But i really dk how much longer on this life i can take & no one believes me anyway


    but i really think i need help and i clearly cant say much here so i WILL ring my gp Monday.  & tell them how bad i feel. If they ignore me cause i do have diagnosis of BPD and the i end up in some massive crisis or dead then atleast my death would be something they learn from & to take everyone seriously no matter diagnosis. But yeah i dont mean to say that as if id kill myself if they cant help. That was just a thought

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Aife
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    edited September 2019
    @Shaunie you're not a burden at all, we're always here to listen and support you <3

    How are you feeling today?

    I can really hear how much you're struggling at the moment. It sounds really difficult battling these thoughts and feeling like you're losing control over your body. A couple of weeks ago, you mentioned that some of these feelings are down to trauma and might be coming up because you've started seeing Rape Crisis. Would you like to talk about this a bit more? 

    It's really positive to hear that you're going to ring your GP tomorrow. I really hope they are able to offer you some more support with everything. It sounds really challenging trying to cope with these feelings alone. Do you know what type of support you'd find helpful at the moment? 

    You also mentioned your old CC gave you a piece of paper about a 6-week support programme that Mind offers but had lost the paper. How would you feel about contacting your local Mind to ask about this? On their website, you can enter your postcode and your local Mind should come up with some contact details and information about the support they offer.

    I keep getting really suicidal where i cant say more than that 😭😭😭😭😭. But i want to die so bad. But i feel like im safe for right now. But i really dk how much longer on this life i can take & no one believes me anyway

    I'm really sorry to hear how much you're hurting. When you say no one believes you, do you mean no one believes how much you want to die? 

    I hope you're doing okay Shaunie. Keep posting here whenever you like, we're here to support you always <3.

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    Thank you @Aife  
    <3


    I dont think i deserve food because of disgusting things ive done / forced to do. So when i look a food - i do love food so im always like "you dont deserve to eat that". But then im thinking "you deserve a shit load of toxin/food to make you hate your fat body" but then i was thinking "no thats no self control" then then i eat up aviodng binge eating. I do realise though - that there does get to a point where your body will crave food so much that WILL eat EVERYTHING no matter how much self control you think you have. It can take awhile for that to happen to me because i dont deserve that food.


    MAYBE TRIGGERING Kinda a tiny bit graphic

    its also because when i look at my stomach - (well apart from seeing taser marks now more reason to hate it) i also imagine him weeing on my stomach cause its mostly where he did. So i really hate my stomach & rather not see it look the same as it did when he did that. I also imagine when he would press down on my lower stomach to make me wee on him. So i think maybe i will not imagine that if my stomach looks different from then but it doesnt actually really work. I just hate my stomach espcially and wish it was clean & probs why i try "detoxing" with laxatives. 


    that is a good idea about Mind. Thank you Aife. Ive forgotten about that. I went on that link and onto the local one &  it says they offer quite a few services & i think it was the recovery program one. So maybe i should try this before seeing my gp?  I may email Mind. Probs will wait forever tho. But then i kinda wanna see my gp cause abusing laxatives again and can mess up your heart but then i kinda dont care cause wanna die but i dont think anyone can help me so stuck. Just cry for help and hope for help but never works. Cause yeah people dont beleiev i actually wanna die. 😭

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Butterfly23Evelyn360Kathleen07Aife
  • Evelyn360Evelyn360 Posts: 81 Budding Regular
    Sending hugs to you @Shaunie. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time at the moment. We are all here for you and care about you  <3 

    It's really positive that you want to see your GP and seek advice about how you're using laxatives, it's a good step combined with getting in contact with mind. You deserve all the help available, you're not alone.

    Keep fighting, you're braver than you think  <3
    Butterfly23Shaunie
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,935 Extreme Poster
    Hey Shaunie <3 You're not a burden. I'm really glad you're reaching out - keep doing so. It's a safe place and we want to help, it's okay to let things out here <3

    You do deserve food, and to be comfortable in your body. You don't deserve anything bad. I'm sad to see you thinking like that and hating your stomach, it sounds like a really uncomfortable, disgusted feeling. I understand how the abuse and taser marks would make you feel that way about it. Don't forget you're a star :star: 

    Seeing your GP sounds like a good idea and I'd definitely encourage it. There's no pressure either way. Are you still thinking of going? I think maybe you could see the doctor first before Mind, given the concerns about how laxative use affects your heart, what do you think?

    I'm so sorry you want to die. I believe you and can really hear how horrible things are for you :( If you do see a doctor, just tell them everything and that you're truly struggling, and they can help - if not, someone else will. There is help and it will come, it's gonna get better and work out okay <3
    ShaunieButterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    Sorry. Thank you @Kathleen07 & @Evelyn360

    havent actually rang my gp yet. Only because i have to ring after 8 but i cant when my dad hasnt gotten out of bed yet. Differently rooms but scared someone can hear. So i can only do it if no one is in the room next to me. Which yeah still waiting on a day my dad leaves his bed before 8:30 lol. 

    Feeling so bad:(. I just keep thinking of weight and how much i could lose fast. Or thinking of literally running away from food and living on the streets. Eventho my family dont exactly give me a lot of food anyways. Considering i only live woth my dad and sister and they both work full time & sometimes 12 hours at the sametime. So No one actually cares or remembers what i ate when theyre busy themselves.  But atm my dad and sister are both on hoilday for atleast a week cause our birthday on sunday. So more suffocated now. And im really scared for sunday and i dont want unhealthy food. Im so fed up and get more irritable and angry when i ate less

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Kathleen07Butterfly23
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    Fml i literally cant say how long ive been thinking about calories & food & reading about how much you can eat & still lose weight & omg you can eat so much & still lose weight. Im really in a shit mood cause my family got things that are harder to hide. Like liquid food. Ice cream. Yougurt. & things like that & im really pissed off. So im actually going to have to put on weight this week & cause of sunday.  then i can trick them into thinking im fine & maybe willinging have high calories stuff infront of them. Tho thats actually really hard even when my eating isnt bad cause i feel judged if its not given to me.  But yeah may do it. So less suffocate me and go back to doing it my own healthy way to be more clean. 

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Butterfly23
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,935 Extreme Poster
    You sound like you're really struggling with this <3 It's understandable you're fed up. It sounds draining and so difficult to be thinking and feeling like this about food, and in general. This must be really addictive for you?

    I hope you can cope okay on Sunday x

    Let us know when you do get the chance to ring your GP. How are you feeling at the moment? <3
    Butterfly23Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,930 An Original Mixlorian
    edited September 2019
    Thank you @Kathleen07 <3

    still gaining weight :(. And can see brought shit load of food for tomorrow but im sure once birthday shit food out of way will be able to eat healthy food not bad and breath better.Going to start restricting again at Thursday. I can hide food if i want to now because they dont stare that much but im trying to look less suspious. Thursday because theyre back at work so easier to restrict to be healthier & "clean". And So hopeful i can get the chance to ring my gp if not near me in the morning so i can actually ring my gp about laxatives Want to email mind about their support but no sure what id say but will do that at some point

    𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 💕💕

    Kathleen07Butterfly23Jade09
  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 576 Moderator
    edited September 2019
    Hey Shaunie  :)

    How are you feeling today?  <3

    It sounds like you are finding things difficult still so i'm sorry to hear that, you mentioned that you are going to start restricting again as you feel that this would allow you to feel "cleaner" and "healthier". Have you been able to talk to anyone about how you are feeling about this? It's understandable that this must be really tough to handle.

    You talk about wanting to ring your GP about laxatives, do you feel that you could maybe speak to them about how things have been going recently? Even if you have done this before, it might be worth updating them with how things are going.  :)

    It sounds like a good idea to email MIND about the types of support they offer, they seem like a really useful charity so I hope that you are able to contact them.  <3

    Jade x
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