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I'm desperate to meet someone and have a relationship with a girl I'd like and who likes me. This is proving to be pretty impossible and I seem to have resigned myself to the fact it's not going to happen for me.
I'm not just after getting my end away, I just want to be with someone and have someone there and be able to spoil someone and have someone feel the same about me.
I guess I'm just lonely which is a hard thing to admit and it really isn't a nice feeling but I've never experienced anything else.
This alone has been getting me down and I don't think I've experienced real happiness since I was a kid when priorities were different and the best things in life were things like playing football with mates etc.
Also, recently, my family has been suffering financially and my Dad has been unable to pay his council tax bill which has meant that we've had threatening letters from the bayliffs who, should the bill not be paid, will come and remove our valuable possesssions next week.
The bill is for just over £1,000 and my Dad has no chance of paying it as his job basically only covers other bills with a little bit left to live on. For this reason, I've been forced to help out and as of Thursday, will have given him £1,000 out of the £1,600 ish I've earned in the past two months from my job.
There really isn't any pleasure to be taken from seeing your bank balance on pay day and then having to draw the maximum you can out of the bank to give to someone else knowing full well you aren't going to get it back.
Because of this situation, I've also had to pay other bills in this house while my bone idle sister lives here and spends everything she earns on herself. I asked her very nicely if she could help with matters and give Dad some money and she said she would, I gave him £600 which will now rise to £1,000 on Thursday and she gave him £40 (forty).
I'm skint and been unable to spend much on myself at all. There are things I'm desperate for but have been having to wait for as my family's financial state must come first.
I still go to watch my team play football every week but do that by having generous mates who dont charge much for petrol money and I'll sometimes get free tickets or scam myself in as a kid (I'm 22 but still manage to pass as a 16 year old at some grounds).
Yesterday I took my place in the away end at Hereford and having spent the entire journey there listening to my two best friends snogging, I wasn't feeling too chirpy.
Then, the girl I've fancied for ages comes and stands next to us in the stands and I realise (while glancing uncontrollably at her in awe of her) that San Marino will win the World Cup before someone that amazing would ever like me back (for the non football fans, thats as likely as a comet coming and destroying the world during the ad break on Corrie tonight).
This then put me in a very low state of mind for the rest of the day. I then went out with a mate to a club and got completely wasted, tried it on with every girl in the club, got knocked back each time and got a lift back. I asked to be dropped off about a mile from my house so I could have a walk home and at one point very nearly stepped out in front of a taxi that was racing past as I'd pretty much had enough of life but bottled out at the last second.
This forum is pretty much the only place I've let these feelings out on.
I really do feel like shit and every second of the day I have this gutted feeling in my stomach and am constantly holding back tears :crying:
I can't stop cutting myself and just now and had a problem with one of the wounds I made last night. (It stuck to the tubigrip and bled when I took it off)
why cant i cope
really wish i wasnt me im so useless
Your not going to fail, I know the IB is hard but you are capable of doing it. Being close to tears is a crap feeling, even worse when you have it at work. I say to this everyone but it does help: elastic band round the wrist: ping to death. It hurts like fuck but it doesnt break the skin.
I would do the elastic band thing, but right now I want to see it. I want something to show for it, because I want to see that I've punished myself and I want it to be a reminder that I am a fucking stupid idiot that's not capable of anything.
Meh.
I have only self harmed once in 2 1/2 years (ish) but recently its all that I can think about. Its not that I want to do it, cos i really dont, but its feels like i havent got a decision really..if that makes any sense.
I thought i was coping ok, but now it really feels like im not. Nothing I can do is giving me that feeling thats tells me things will be ok, but I know that if that happens i will feel even more messed up than i do now. But at the time, i will feel better, but then all the shame and guilt will happen again.
But little things like just having an itch and scratching it, can make me think.. and can be easily explained. If i did do anything tho, i tink they're so many risks.. it could cause too much trouble and hurt if anyone at work found out or if college did (and i know tht you might think that unless I tell them they wont, but its not like that..) then there is my boyfriend and close family that i'd be letting down, and even if they didnt know, i'd still have the guilt and i'd still know that i'd be letting them down and hurting them.
I dont think that this is making much sense, sorry, it isn't to me either :banghead:
Hope that everyone is ok and doing well.
please dont harm-dont let yourself be pulled into the "feeling better" thing-it only lasts a small amount of time-suddenly it will escalate into something you wish you'd never started-into hating the fact that you need to rrely on harming yourself to feel better for those few minutes before the guilt and self-hatred kicks in and you feel bad again and want to do it all over again-dont think about lettting other people down i know this may sound like being selfish but you need to think of you at this point and think what else can i do to cope-please talk to someone and i hope you feel better very soon
take care and sorry for the long message
xxx
I feel exactly the same way.
I have never deliberately cut myself but I have really felt the urge to do it recently.
Like you, I don't really want to self harm, but I feel there is nothing else I can do to make myself feel better. I just want to express something and release and at the moment it feels like putting a knife to my arms or legs is the only way.
Currently, I am only scratching and pinching myself.
I know it's hard, but I stop myself by thinking of the aftermath. It will solve nothing and just make my problems worse..
I've woken up today in exactly the same mood as I was in yesterday, only worse because little things like having no food in the cupboards, fridge or freezer are winding me up.
I even spent most of last night hoping I wouldn't even wake up today.
I can't go back to my GP though, I've known him for years and he'll more than likely just think I'm over-reacting and think I'm doing it for attention.
I'm just waiting for the bayliffs to come knocking, they said they would be doing this week so the curtains remain closed, the doors locked with a note on the inside of the front door instructing that no-one answer the door to anyone just to be safe. As usual, there are 6 messages on the answer phone because we're too scared to answer it.
This is completely shit.
I know that if I did self harm again, I know that the feeling it gives/gave me wouldn't last, but when I can be rational, I can tell you every single reason why I shouldn't do it, but then when i can't be rational, i can tell you exactly why I should, but I suppose the good thing is, is that I haven't.
When you feel that everything is hard, and that its going wrong, or when you feel that you'v let your self down, and just aren't good enough, when you just cant control or understand your feelings, thats where self harm comes in. It gives me control (even tho it doesn't) its gives me a feeling that I understand and can to an extent cope with. It gives me a feeling that says "everything will be ok now" even tho I know that everything wont be ok.
hyper person I know just what you mean about being pulled in to the "feeling better" thing, as I have been there so many times before.
I guess I wish I could just understand why I feel like this..there has been no real changes to my life, nothing is going wrong, and I haven't changed jobs/home or anything like that. I think the hardest part is that because I cant understand why I feel like this, I find it difficult to deal with.
Thank You for replying to me, and reminding me that i'm not the only one..
Go to another Dr. at your surgery then, you shouldnt just have to see your GP, you should be able to see anyone. And a GP thats think depression/self harming is done for attention seeking annoys the hell out of me. As for the money problems have you been to the CAB or contacted one of the many debt charities to see if they can help you in anyway? GWST works for one and if you PM her she might give you some numbers to contact.
It might seem shit at the moment, but it should get better. But do have to pro-active and not bury your head in the snad to ignore problems as they only get worse. I know that sounds harsh, but its the truth.
Well said! Surely any GP would have some sort of knowledge and know that people who self harm aren' doing it for attention and most (including me) try to hide their scars?
Sorry to hear that. There's no need for you to keep on apologising - I'm sure there are many people out there who are in your situation.
Does anyone know if there's anything I can do speed up one of my wounds getting a scab? I need one on it so that I can wear a bandage (to stop my jumper rubbing against it) without it sticking like it did last night.
The one and only time I went, I was told I had mild depression (my problems are a little more complex then that) and put on Prozac. I didnt bother going back. Some are more sensitive then others to the issues of depression/self-harm. If one doesnt help see another one. Be more open and tell them everything, as they are more likely to help if you can tell them what/when/wheres of your feelings etc.
I agree with Sophie, you dont need to keep apolgising, the point of this thread to share your fellings and get support from others who have been through the same situation. Counselling can be painful for you, it will bring up a lot of painful memories/feelings etc, but by discussing them and learning to cope it makes you a lot stronger.
Hey, I've found that using aloe vera gel really works, makes them heal much quicker. You can get it in Holland and Barret, you know the one that sells all the vitamins and dried fruit. You can probably get it in boots or somewhere like that but I don't know if its the pure stuff. Hope you're ok and it helps, take care xx
Never tried that but I used to get a Vitamin E capusle and break that with a oin and leave put the contents onto the scars over night which helps the heal quicker and much less obvious, you gan get them quite cheaply in boots/health stores. I now use Palmers Scar Serum which is fantastic for healing/preventing scaring, buts its not cheap.
I tried going to the gym. Twice today- to see if it helps me, shift some stress/anger/depression. I should be so lucky.
There may be a couple of things to consider: How long you've been having treatment as it can take a while to help, or that you may need another type of theapy instead.
At least you tried with the gym. Shit times are that: shit, it cant stay that way forever. Go to couselling and let everything out. *massive hugs* xx
Thankyou, just feel so unmotivated and it's REALLY annoying me. xx
I know how you feel. No motivation is crap. I'm currently suffering from a severe case of it where my job is concened, I hate it soo much I have to drag myself out of bed just to get there and then spend most of the day arsing about because I'm so bored and unchallenged nowdays. I miss being at college. I know I hated it because of the others on my course but at least it got my brain working.
The money troubles should be over for me after Thursday when I, AGAIN, bail him out of the shit leaving myself out of pocket.
I'm the one who is actually facing up to it, he's the one refusing to accept the letters coming and refusing to admit that we can't afford the house we live in.
I shouldn't have to do this, it's his department, I shouldn't have to be worrying about these things.
Thanks for the advice though, I do appreciate it.
Having been to the doctors before with it, the sheer fact I had to do it in the first place made me feel like a complete failure and it was soooooo embarrassing to tell someone you feel depressed. You starting doubting yourself and wondering if you are actually depressed and whether it's worth the hassle of actually telling someone, even if it's just the doctor.
Aww, sorry to hear that Marie.
I'm determined to do something useflu today, I'm at the gym now, so shall see how motivated I can get!!!
I'm really confused now - sometimes I can be happy(ish, anyway) adn then next all I want to do is cut myself. Anyone have any ideas why?