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im at breaking point.

eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
edited September 1 in Health & Wellbeing
im struggling sm with everything going on rn. i keep blaming myself for my best friend death my dad is agreeing with me to. :( my mh is so bad rn bc of everything going on atm. i feel so useless and i have no purpose. i have nothing to live for anymore. ( safe not suicidal ). i am missing my mum sm i was gonna see her but got upset and left bc the hospital she at is triggering for me. idk why im having to deal alone with this bc im struggling sm with it im sobbing rn i cant control myself anymore. i was hoping was getting help when i od but im not. the ed team was supposed to ring me last week but they didnt i feel so let down alone useless. i have nooone i have no friends no family to turn to. i dont know what i do wrong to be hurt sm i don’t deserve thus im so tired and i feel so tired of waking up every day thinking its not getting better. im so lonely 😭. i want better in my life i cant di anything else to get help. im ssfe. 😭😭. i try to do things for others ppl but i dint get it back its breaking me. my heart is so damaged. 😭. im safe.
keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
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Comments

  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 1,138 Wise Owl
    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now @eylah. It’s incredibly hard to carry all of this weight on your shoulders, especially when you feel so alone. I want you to know that you are not to blame for what happened to your best friend. Grief can make us think all kinds of things, but that doesn't make them true. You are not responsible, and your worth is so much more than what these thoughts are telling you. Can I ask what makes you feel that sense of blame? <3

    I'm aware the staff team checked in with you via DM to share some services that can help you through this really difficult period with your grief. I'll pop them again below:
    Hope Again is a service for young people up to 25 who are affected by a bereavement. They're run by Cruse Bereavement Care and they offer support via phone, email & have online support through their website at www.hopeagain.org.uk. They are open Monday-Friday from 9.30am-5pm, and stay open until 8pm on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. You can call them on 0808 808 1677 or email them at hopeagain@cruse.org.uk

    There's an organisation called Grief Encounter which aims to provide support to anyone who has suffered from a bereavement. They run a helpline and their website also contains helpful resources. They are open Monday - Friday from 9am - 9pm. You can call them on 0808 802 0111, email them at grieftalk@griefencounter.org.uk or visit their website at www.griefencounter.org.uk for their counselling service and more information.

    Support After Murder and Manslaughter (SAMM) is a an organisation supporting those that have been bereaved by murder or manslaughter. Their volunteers can offer one-to-one peer support for as long as a person needs it. This can be done over the phone or via a video link. You can call them on 0121 472 2912, or text 07342 888570 or email them at info@samm.org.uk. They also have a range of information and an online support forum on their website at https://samm.org.uk/

    It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, especially with everything you’re going through. Please try to be kind to yourself right now. You’re carrying a lot, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it, even if it feels like the help isn’t coming as quickly as you need. You deserve support, and I’m so sorry you’ve been let down by those who should be there for you. Could you follow up with the ED team to check in with them? You deserve to hear from them. <3

    I know it’s hard, but try to hold on to the fact that you’re doing your best. You’re still here, still trying, even when it feels like everything is against you. That shows so much strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You are not useless or purposeless - your life has meaning, and your pain is real and valid.

    It’s okay to miss your mum and feel triggered by the hospital. And it’s okay to take care of yourself by stepping away when things feel too much. Do you feel comfy sharing a bit more around those triggers you're experiencing at the hospital?

    You deserve to have people around you who care. I can see you've mentioned that you're safe and aren't experiencing suicidal thoughts. But if things get too much, please remember to reach out to these services below (you don't have to be in crisis to reach out either):
    Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
    Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
    Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
    Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
    Childline | call 0800 11 11

    Sending hugs <3
    ♡♡♡
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    thankyou @Gemma . ill reply to your comment in a min just getting myself together. <3
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    eylah wrote: »
    im struggling sm with everything going on rn. i keep blaming myself for my best friend death my dad is agreeing with me to. :(
    That’s horrible! It’s not your fault!!

    I’m so sorry to hear all of this, we’re here for you <3 I really wish there was more I / we could do to help 🫂
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    idk why dad is blaming me for everything ive gone through recently. idk how he can blame me bc the stuff happened isnt anything i could do to not go through it. i hate this toxic environment. i couldnt help mum being put in icu i didnt ask for my ex to do the stuff he did to me. its exhausting living with a toxic person like him.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • toffuna101toffuna101 Posts: 1,502 Extreme Poster
    im sorry to hear youre going through that eylah. hopefully things get better soon
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    thankyou @toffuna101 i appreciate your kindness and support to me. <3
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • toffuna101toffuna101 Posts: 1,502 Extreme Poster
    no problem @eylah
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    eylah wrote: »
    idk why dad is blaming me for everything ive gone through recently. idk how he can blame me bc the stuff happened isnt anything i could do to not go through it. i hate this toxic environment. i couldnt help mum being put in icu i didnt ask for my ex to do the stuff he did to me. its exhausting living with a toxic person like him.

    ive just tried talking to him abt it bc its upsetting me and he told me to shut up and just to stop talking to him. but in a more obnoxious way but im not gonna say what he said bc its disgusting. im sry for venting but its so shit how your own blood father would want me 💀 then alive. :( sry
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    You are more than welcome to rant in this space @eylah. It is really brave of you to share how you are feeling and some of what you have been experiencing with your dad. We can really hear how upsetting this is for you, especially as he is your own blood father.

    Your feelings are valid here and you do not deserve to be made to feel that way. Is there anything which might help at the moment? For example, is there anyone else who you feel would be able to listen and you feel comfortable, safe and valid talking to? <3
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  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    edited September 1
    @Laura_tigger82 im gonna try looking at the links gemma sent bc they seem helpful. its just exhausting atp bc i dont feel loved by him anymore. i moved in with him bc i thought id be safe but im far from that :(. i feel like this is making my mh sm worse but nothing i can do bc mums in hospital. im trying to distract myself from the stuff hes saying abt me bc its making me feel sick and i hate myself bc of him. thankyou laura.
    Post edited by eylah on
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    im not gonna talk anymore but im done with him. im scared of him my own fucking dad im frightened of him. ik im a adult but im his daughter its so unfair. i just lost my best friend to murder im distressed. :(
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • Orchid059Orchid059 Moderator Posts: 300 The Mix Regular
    @eylah I am so sorry that you have experienced this- what you are feeling must be unbearable for you. You have a lot on your plate at the moment so it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed with all of this. We are here to listen and support you through this. Remember to be kind to yourself and take time for yourself to grieve. At this time family is so important to comfort and provide support so I am sorry that your dad is showing a lack of this.

    When you say you don't feel safe with him in the house I want to clarify if this puts you in any danger. You deserve to feel safe in your own home without worry. Is there anywhere you are able to stay as a back-up if you ever needed it? I know you said you would look into the links Gemma posted above- I think that would be a good idea just make sure your being provided with the correct support.

    Wishing your mum a speedy recovery in the hospital too. I can understand her being away also fuels more anxiety for you and you are doing so well to reach out about all of this.

    You are not alone Eylah- we are here for you <3
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    im safe its just him as a person which is issue :(. hes very obnoxious person and its scary at times. i dont have backup but thankyou. yeah im gonna look at links to get support. mum is doing ok rn. praying she continues to get better. <3 thankyou @Orchid059 im just scared upset etc.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 1,616 Extreme Poster
    as hard as it might be for your mind to accept right now - you are absolutely not at fault for the things you're currently going through. and try and remember that all of us here are on your side every step of the way

    sending a big hug
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    im tired of living with such obnoxious person like him. hes been shouting at and calling me a fucking disapoiment for almost a hour now. i camt wait to not hear his voice again tonight bc im tired im tired of it all. i am 18 years old and having to be a responsible adult bc my parents cant do that themselves. :( done fed up. im sobbing sm rn.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    sinead276 wrote: »
    as hard as it might be for your mind to accept right now - you are absolutely not at fault for the things you're currently going through. and try and remember that all of us here are on your side every step of the way

    sending a big hug

    thankyou sry i appreciate your kindness. <3 im just venting here bc my dad is stressing me out sm :/.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    hes not shutting up im having a panic attack.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    hes stopped now bc hr got tired of me :(. i just want to be loved. :heartbreak:
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    Big hugs @eylah you’re important to us and we care <3
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    i appreciate the mix help bc i have noone else. <3
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 1,138 Wise Owl
    Hey @eylah, I just wanted to check in to see how you're doing this morning? I'm really sorry that your dad has been acting in this way towards you. You deserve kindness, particularly after what you've been through. <3

    Did you manage to look into some of those links I shared above? It's really positive that you mentioned being open to them.

    It sounds like you were having a panic attack last night - it's no wonder you're feeling anxious, overwhelmed and stressed with everything going on. We're here for you - let us know how you're doing today. <3
    ♡♡♡
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    yes i looked links @Gemma they are helpful. i went out got bck dad is having ago at me bc of it. im rly tired of living with him :/. im so mentally drained from him. thankyou <3
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • amy02amy02 Moderator Posts: 330 The Mix Regular
    We're here for you @eylah <3 I hope you get some rest this afternoon
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    thankyou @amy02 <3.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    he has started again all bc im crying im at a loss bc this is making me rly low i hate this. :( idk what i ever done to deserve a toxic hostile environment.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • toffuna101toffuna101 Posts: 1,502 Extreme Poster
    jesus christ your dad is so toxic. i hope you get to move out someday to get away from him @eylah
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    he hates me asking him for help bc he has other things to do so he has ago at me bc im in need of support and have nooone else. :/ thankyou @toffuna101
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • toffuna101toffuna101 Posts: 1,502 Extreme Poster
    the mix are here to support you @eylah and you can join the support group chat this evening. no problem.
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    dont want to be always asking for help bc my own dad wont give me it. but will join tonight thankyou <3.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
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