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Potential TW :warning: Adoption and BP

Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
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  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,842 The Mix Elder
    edited September 18
    Hi @Past User I hear that recently you want to meet your birth parents but are feeling unsure about still going through with the plan. I'd say that it might be a good idea to still meet them as you find out more about them and sometimes it is nice to finally meet your birth parents especially if you haven't met them before. I don't know too much about the adoption or meeting birth parents process. But I hope it goes well for you.

    Sending hugs,

    Amy22 <3
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  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 1,672 Extreme Poster
    I think there's nothing 'bad' about wanting to meet your birth parents - if anything its probably natural to be curious about who they are considering you don't know them, so if it is something you want to do - i say go for it.

    Unfortunately, like Amy I don't know much about the adoption process and what would be involved in meeting your birth parents but hopefully if / when you do - it goes well for you


    Sending hugs
    Sinead
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 197 Trailblazer
    edited September 18
    Hello @Past User

    Wanting to meet your birth parents seems to have been a very big and difficult decision for you and it's very brave of you to want to go through with it. I am by no means an expert on the issue, however, I want to link some resources that might have helpful advice and information.
    Adoption Uk offers numerous services to adoptees and has a helpline where you can receive information, encouragement, and can be pointed towards specialist help (0300 666 0006)
    In this part of their website you can find a list of UK charities that offer help and information to adoptees

    Hope this helps :)
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    This sounds like such a stressful decision for you @Past User , because on the one hand you want to meet these people, which is completely understandable but then you're also reckoning with feeling guilty about it and also the knowledge that they chose to give you up. Even in a situation where your birth parents are really kind to you upon meeting them, it can be a complex contrast of emotions right?

    i'm really glad that you've had some time to think about it and are still certain that this is right choice for you and I think many people, understandably, want to know 'where they came from' and what their birth parents are like, even if you're not looking for answers or to have a relationship, meeting them once can be cathartic.

    I think it's great to look at those links provided, I just wanted to ask a bit more about your situation at the minute. For example, do you know anything about your birth parents already? and how are your parents (like your mum) talking to you about it al? sometimes getting these thoughts out on a page can make it a bit easier to figure out the rest of the logistics <3

    Well done for coming to this decision for yourself, it's truly very brave of you xx

    (https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/fostering-adoption-kinshipcare/contacting-birth-parents?referer=/advice/your-family/fostering-adoption-kinshipcare. : this website could be helpful for you and your mum when talking about next steps)
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Ah, I understand, so just the really critical information has been shared with you @Past User ? Sometimes people do that to try to keep the young person safer and not scare them or just because they actually don't even have the other information available, but either way, it's certainly not a nice limbo to be in when you just want to know about the people you came from.

    Of course, Morgan, if you'd like to talk about it, I'd be more than grateful to listen and hear about that night? No pressure of course, especially if it would feel too difficult to write out <3

    In terms of meeting your birth parents, have any further steps been taken over the past week? xx
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Thank you so much for sharing all of that with me @Past User <3 I can't even begin to imagine how tough it must be to explain such traumatising experiences, I really am grateful to you for your honesty. And the fact that you still think so much of others to ask Aife and Mike if it's okay is sincerely a beautiful thing. You care so much about the world x

    You have faced so much pain and unfair treatment in such a short life Morgan, it's no wonder you've become so numb to so much of it and any other anguish you've faced since (like your grief). To not have birth parents who look after you in the way all children deserve is a dreadful thing and it must make considering meeting them very challenging and maybe uncomfortable(?) because you know some of how you and your lovely siblings were treated :(

    On top of all that you had to face being split apart from 3 of your brothers and even the brother you were fostered with was forced to endure terrible fostering from this woman. It must have been so scary and distressing to experience all of that after being taken away from your home too. Given that, I think it is beyond understandable that you were so fearful of showers for such a long time.

    I know you mentioned that lasting for two years, does this mean you feel more able to be in that kind of water now? <3

    Also, (feel no pressure to answer this) how does all of this make you feel about potentially connecting with your birthparents?

    Huge hugs, as always xx
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    You really are such a caring person and despite how much trauma and pain you've faced you're putting so much love into the world. Thank you for this @Past User <3

    What makes you think they wouldn't want to meet you? (Feel free not to answer this if it's too upsetting).

    being separated from your siblings is already horrendous enough to never even meet some of them must be such a cold feeling for you, wondering about how they're getting on and how their lives are turning out. It's something that should never have been stolen from any of you :( And to know that your sisters have been so affected by your birthparents' treatment that they have begun to mirror their actions is certainly a horrible thing to learn and accept. It's no wonder the whole idea of reconnecting with your siblings and birthparents is a really terrifying and daunting process.

    Ah, apologies, Morgan, I just meant, do you feel able to shower now?

    Huge hugs <3
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    You are more than welcome, I am always so thrilled to see the light you bring to everyone on this platform, we are lucky to have you @Past User <3

    Ah, that is very understandable train of thought, given that you bore the brunt of the abuse and the pain they caused, it makes a lot of sense to feel that this means they did not like you or that you were specifically targeted by them for a reason. Thinking about all of this must run you ragged and feel so agonizing. All of this must make the prospect of meeting them, whether now or years in the future, extremely scary and worrying, like what sorts of emotions could meeting them bring up.

    Plus, you're having to acknowledge the fact that some of your siblings can be in contact with them which makes them uncontactable for you, so piecing together this part of your childhood and those memories must be a lot more challenging. I can't even begin to imagine how harrowing this whole ordeal is. :(

    I'm glad you can sometimes cope with a shower <3 Do you have nightmares often now? xx
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    That sounds like such a tiring headspace to be in, being unable to get some rest can completely affect our day-to-day lives and definitely our mental health. Equally, if the night is such a scary and overwhelming time, it's hardly like you're going to get a full uninterrupted 8 hours :(@Past User

    You must be so drained, not just because of the lack of sleep over such a long period, but also the impact of the hallucinations. Hallucinating can be deeply scary and troubling to experience (as you of course know) but all the more so when they are taking on the form of someone who has hurt and mistreated you.

    19 days is a very long time to not sleep for, even with the help of the Pepsi <3 What do you think is stopping you from getting to sleep? xx
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    I appreciate you being so continuously upfront with me @Past User especially about such heart breaking things <3

    It's important that you were able to get some sleep, even if only a little. A tiny nap can certainly do wonders for our bodies and minds, I reckon.

    The fact that the dreams and nightmares you're having are coming true must be absolutely terrifying. Especially given the fact that the dreams are about such awful events and experiences :( It must be a very isolating feeling and it's hardly going to make you want to lay down and rest if all you can think about is 'what terrible dream will I have tonight?'. The grief you're experiencing sounds beyond overwhelming, and knowing that your dreams are paralleling your real life must make it so much more confusing and exhausting to try to cope.

    When do you find it easiest to sleep, Morgan? xx
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    I cannot even begin to imagine the range of confusing emotions you must have felt - and are feeling now - after finding out that your sister is alive @Past User :( The level of cruelty in a 'joke' like that cannot be overstated. Hearing in such a 'random' way (your sister talking to her) must have been like a wave of uncertainty, not being able to understand what is going on, because you have spent these weeks not only believing she had passed, but also blaming yourself for it.

    What you say about not getting it is beyond beyond reasonable, honestly, I cannot wrap my head around the thought process behind your siblings doing this to you, not only because it is immensely unkind, but also knowing that you can be in such a vulnerable and stressful headspace.

    Being angry and upset makes total sense, especially as you have spent so much time simply trying to wrap your head around the fact she was gone.

    Given how traumatising this entire situation is for you, I am wondering if you've been able to talk to anyone about this - what they have done and how much pain this has caused you?

    Huge hugs <3<3<3

    (Also, I appreciate you answering about when sleep is easiest <3 Sometimes, I think the naps in the middle of the day are the most deep types of sleeps a person can find, even when people have complex sleep issues, so even though it's not 'nightime' I'm glad there is sometimes a moment when your mind and body can rest and be at pause. What makes the day easier to sleep for you?)

    xxx
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Honestly, that makes total sense @Past User <3 People who could hurt you in such a callous way only reinforce the feelings of betrayal you already have :(

    I think when people who are meant to care about you (i.e., family) break your heart in such an intense way, it's hard to ever come back from it, especially when they know that these types of situations are much more difficult for you to process and try to cope with. It's entirely wrong and I'm so glad that despite it all, you're trying to find a way to create a boundary with them where you are keeping yourself as a priority. You certainly do not need people who can hurt you in this way in your life.

    Definitely, I think a lot of the time the day is much more peaceful, because the dark just makes everything scarier tbh. I'll be honest, I still sleep with lights on at my age and I don't really have shame about it because I know it's what I need, and I think the same goes for you knowing when the hallucinations are more likely to come and trying to find a way to avoid that <3 You should be really proud of yourself xx
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  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,307 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 18
    There is no such thing as a 'really silly' or 'stupid' question @Past User, please ask away! Also, really glad to hear you have found something (light) which helps you when the hallucinations are bad <3
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  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,307 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 18
    Absolutely no worries @Past User, I just wanted to provide you with the space to ask your question if you still wanted to. Apologies that no one was able to reach out sooner.

    If you do remember, please feel free to drop it on this thread! And we will get back to you as soon as we can <3
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    I'm so sorry @Past User ! I should have been on here for your question at the time :( If you do remember at any point, please do let me know <3

    Couldn't agree more, really the fact that you know yourself well enough to see what can help (even if only a little bit) when you're having hallucinations is really important. It makes me wonder if anything else helps you to cope with the hallucinations? xx
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