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Mental Health Rant

Kasa2103Kasa2103 This Is Me! ❤👅👌🤓💃🎤South EastPosts: 3,153 Ultimate Poster
Hi.

I have been going through a really hard week and I don't know what to do. 

I have still been going to school during the coronavirus outbreak due to being vulnerable (and my mum is a key worker.) I was getting badly bullied at school and it has stopped this week which has been positive. But I have been traumatised and my mental health has been significantly affected. Especially my anxiety. I can't cope. Been struggling with mental health for most of my life.

I was getting badly bullied at school and it has stopped this week which has been positive. But I have been traumatised and my mental health has been significantly affected. Especially my anxiety. I can't cope. Been struggling with mental health for quite a bit of my life. And I have always been the quiet sort of young person who struggles with friendships and talking to people.

The girls at school have stopped yelling horrible stuff at me, stopped hurting me and have even started letting me join in with the things that they do. There are 2 particular girls who understand my anxiety and when I feel depressed or embarrassed.

On Thursday I had a fall at school during break and it made me really embarrassed. I wasn't hurt but it was still really embarrassing. I went to the school library to study and just be alone. But one of my classmates wanted to check that I was okay mentally. I didn't want to talk to anyone so she got one of the teachers to talk to me instead. I have never really 100% been mentally okay although I pretend to be okay around other people because I don't want them to worry about me. Nobody needs me on top of all of their other worries that they have to go through during life and coronavirus.

After break everyone was supposed to go to the school library anyway for independent study. It was a classmate who went to get the teacher to talk to me because I wouldn't talk to my classmate and she was worried about my mental health. I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I felt like a burden. I always feel like I am a burden. Not just because of my anxiety. I struggle a lot with my confidence and self esteem.

It feels so strange for the girls at school to be treating me so differently. But it is a good sort of strange if that makes any sense to you. I have even been motivating myself to begin to watch Salad Fingers which is a hilarious comedy video series.

I just cope alone with my mental health issues except when my classmates try to distract me by playing games with me, getting me to do a workout or showing me videos.

On Thursday I played a game of Danish Longball and 2 games of rounders after lunch. One of the teachers was on my team and she cheered for me every time it was my turn to either bowl (throw the ball) or bat.

My co-ordination is awful so I struggle with throwing, catching and batting (but I am slowly beginning to improve) and I really needed that boost of confidence, kindness and positivity. Otherwise I would have just hidden for the whole time and not joined in at all. At least my PE teacher was also around and she understands that I struggle with my co-ordination and she did not moan that I was a bit slow and quite inaccurate whilst playing. She also cheered whenever I managed to successfully throw the ball, bat it or catch it during the games.

There are 2 teachers that know that I struggle with my mental health and they understand that I find some things hard to do and that I have different ways to express my feelings (mainly through art, writing and poetry.) My art is absolutely awful though but why should it define me? I don't let my autism or mental health define me. This is me.

Thank you for reading this and sorry if it doesn't make any sense to you. Stay safe. <3
I'm sick of covering up. I'm tired of feeling so broken.  I'm tired of falling in love. Sometimes I'm shy and I'm anxious. Sometimes I'm down on my knees. So I won't wear makeup on Thursday. Cause who I am is enough. And there are many things that I could change so slightly. But why would I succumb to something so unlike me? I was always taught to just be myself. Don't change for anyone.
HowDoYouTalkAboutItchubbydumplingindependent_BubblesGoesBooMaisy

Comments

  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 615 Super Moderator
    Hey @Kasa2103

    Firstly it's so positive for you to take the step to share this with us :heart: We care about you and you don't have to go through things alone.

    Have you ever had any support in place for your mental health? Counselling/medication? It's really positive that you are reaching out for support on here, you are a very valued member of this community and we enjoy having you here :smile: 

    It sounds like your PE teacher is kind about it and understanding which is a positive. 

    It sounds like your friends care about you and are supportive, when they distract you and things when you are struggling. 

    You aren't a burden Kasa, you are just struggling and we all need support now and again, and that's okay :heart:

    It's really great that you have ways of expressing yourself through writing and art and poetry they are so positive. 

    I really like what you have put at the end, that your mental health and autism doesn't define you.

    You are a lovely person Kasa :heart:


                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Kasa2103Kasa2103 This Is Me! ❤👅👌🤓💃🎤 South EastPosts: 3,153 Ultimate Poster
    edited May 17
    Thank you so much Stephanie. It feels heartbreaking to think that when I was younger I used to be so confident, happy and excited about the future. Now look at what I am. :(

    I have Webchat Counselling with The Mix every Thursday and I used to have face to face counselling in year 8. Never been on medication.

    I feel like my issues are not important enough for any other support and I feel scared to speak up to anyone else. My anxiety stops me especially as I struggle to trust anyone. And I don't really know if my parents will be happy about me being on medication or having other offline support. 

    They don't even know that I have Webchat counselling. It isn't like they can do anything about it. They don't even know that I use The Mix and my mum would definitely not approve. My dad would probably not care. He isn't really interested in my online life although I do show him what I watch on YouTube (mainly because we have similar tastes in music.)

    Do you want me to show you some poetry and other creative writing that I have done? I will put it on here tomorrow because it needs to be slightly edited to make it anonymous. I don't want to be doing a big reveal all about myself when I am this young and in such a state.  

    Thank you again  <3
    I'm sick of covering up. I'm tired of feeling so broken.  I'm tired of falling in love. Sometimes I'm shy and I'm anxious. Sometimes I'm down on my knees. So I won't wear makeup on Thursday. Cause who I am is enough. And there are many things that I could change so slightly. But why would I succumb to something so unlike me? I was always taught to just be myself. Don't change for anyone.
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 367 Rampant Poster
    Hi @Kasa2103,

    I just wanted to echo everything @Stephanie has said. You truly are not a burden - you are important, we care about you and you deserve to feel happy and supported :heart:

    It's good to hear that you have webchat counselling, that's a really great step to make. How are you finding it so far? :smile: In terms of being important enough for support, your problems will always be important enough. No matter how big or small, there is support out there for you and always somebody to listen.

    You say you aren't sure if your parents would be happy/would approve about you receiving support. Your well-being should always be a priority, so I wanted to emphasise that it's absolutely okay to seek support, no matter what they say.  If you put your parent's opinions aside for one moment, do you know what type of support you might find helpful? It's okay if you aren't sure - as we are always here for you :heart:

    If you feel comfortable sharing some of your poetry and creative writing, then I for one would absolutely love to see - that's very kind of you :smile: It's totally up to you of course, there's no pressure. 

    Take good care and I hope today is a better day :heart:

  • MaisyMaisy The Mix convert CymruPosts: 269 Moderator

    Hey @Kasa2103 ,

     

    You remind me quite a bit of myself when I was younger.

     

    I’m really saddened to hear that you had been getting badly bullied at school. No-one should go through that at all, and I hope you remember that the bullying is never about you- it’s a reflection of the people who bully you- you are fine, just the way that you are! It’s understandable that if you have experienced frequent bullying that this would take it’s toll on you mentally. I’m glad to hear that you are having webchat counselling with The Mix (I find it easier to talk through text so I think it’s good that you are having some support). What you have been through and how you feel is important, even though it might not feel like it. I also agree with @coc0mac that your wellbeing should come first rather than whether your parents would approve. Sometimes parents don’t know or understand how to support us, or worse they may minimise how you feel, but how you feel and getting the support that you need matters the most.

     

    I’m also glad to hear that the bullying has stopped this week- I really hope this continues for you! It’s also positive that there are 2 particular girls who understand your anxiety and depression- it seems like they are looking out for you, by checking in on you and getting the teacher to talk to you etc. You’re not a burden. I know it might not feel that way, but you’re not. You’ve been through a lot and you struggle at times, and that’s okay. It’s okay to reach out or accept help. Struggling or getting help doesn’t mean that you are a burden at all. I too struggle with confidence and self-esteem but I’ve found that following my interests and hobbies helps me to feel a bit better about myself. Maybe that’s something you might want to look into?

     

    It is good that the girls are treating you better, although I understand why you would find it strange. It’s sad but when you have been treated badly, it can often make you forget what it’s like to be treated kindly and you can be distrustful, so this is bound to feel a bit strange. But they seem like they are making genuine attempts and I hope this continues for you.

     

    There’s also nothing wrong with coping with your mental health, healthily (not self-harm or abusing drugs/alcohol etc) by yourself but don’t be afraid to reach out to others when you feel you need it.

     

    I was never any good with PE either, so I can understand the temptation to sit out but it’s really good to see how your teacher cheered for you and helped to boost your confidence when playing rounders! Even better when there are 2 teachers that know you struggle with mental health and are understanding in how you express yourself. There’s no wrong way to express yourself. And if you feel comfortable, feel free to share your poetry (although, no pressure, just do what feels right for you!)

     

    You are good enough, just as you are <3


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