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Sending you all the support I can and hope things start looking up for you. Post when ever you can ❤️❤️
Another lonely birthday for me, same as before.
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It's one of those days where I try my best to be happy. Even without the current situation were we in right now, for every argument it gets obstructed and I'll be depressed at the end of the day.
I always hide my feelings, unless I will let it all out once a perfect opportunity happens.
Did something generous today.
Since people are expected to stay at their homes for another month by any chance, I'm going to donate £10 towards The Mix in order to help young vulnerable people during these times. I really wish I could donate more, but I have one main goal in mind that I must consider later on.
You're welcome.
It's great to write about not being depressed for over a month. There's something I enjoy, maintaining healthy relationships between my parents and healthy living is the main reason why I kept my good mood consistently.
Also, I considered myself as a Key Worker since I work at a care home meaning that I go to work as usual as long as I follow the rules during the epidemic. Which means I always have something to get distracted as it's really benefiting me.
Completely ignoring articles and topics through social media and news about COVID-19 is relaxing for me. This is so I don't get myself worried about the current situation whether there's progress or not as well as statistics still accumulating, which it made me feel a little bit miserable to come across already.
I'm feeling well if anyone wants to know.
To be honest, I really wish I could have inspiration to do some drawings and sketches related to what I’m going to do in my career as well as deep interests with it. I just don’t enough courage to do it. Because I can’t resist video games since I was a child, which is kind of embarrassing for me to talk about and something to get used to. Just plain addiction.
All I do is wait for a perfect opportunity and once I’m on that path I’ll try to gain momentum. I get why I sometimes didn’t get to seek a chance to take action because I know there will be a support if I decide to take it. Hopefully my parents will understand that I will always have a chance to change my life, it takes time that’s all.
At the moment, I’m decreasingly lacking motivation and there’s small possibility that I will recover from it. This is nothing do with mental health, I’m all okay. It’s just I’m enjoying my time right now.
I've managed to have a conversation with my close friend last night since I haven't spoke to him for over a year if not nearly two years. I'm sure he's having a great life already once his career is completed and other valuable things in life he possess.
Now he focuses on fitness and wants me to come with him at a local gym so we can do workouts together once the coronavirus is over. The fact that he's my long-term friend since junior school, he can tell that I'm struggling throughout the years. He's willing to support me by saying things such as; "don't compare yourself to others..." and sending me resources that could possibly help my motivation.
He's my only friend that I can rely on. At first I thought that he snitches me and hangs out with a friend on his own, but he turned away and still interacts with me. Well, not as often since he's very busy with things.
Looking forward for a reunion when the next time I see him, hopefully.
Its lovely to hear that you've reconnected with your old friend and that he's being really supportive.
I'm lacking motivation yet again, I haven't done anything productive for the last 3 months.
Also finding another jobs during this time has proved to be difficult for me, so I decided to back off again and waiting for the next opportunity.
To be honest, I was going to do a paid online course that could help me but I will have a smaller chance of achieving my next goal.
You mentioned lacking motivation, and saying you haven't done anything productive in the last 3 months, with the current climate and circumstances that's understandable and also generally its normal to have times where we lack motivation, but its important to not put too much pressure on ourselves and instead give the body time to rest.
Have you thought about trying any techniques such as to do lists or using planners to try to bring some structure to your day? it can be helpful to visually see your day ahead and can help with motivation. There are some great printable planners and day to day lists that you can find or just create your own if you wanted too.
Sorry to hear that finding another job at the current time is proving difficult for you, but hopefully once this eases a little, there may be more out there! It sounds like you have a plan in backing off, sometimes the right thing just comes to us when we least expect it!
It sounds positive that you was thinking of doing a paid online course, but I hear you feel it would lower your chances of achieving your goals, which is an understandable reason to hold off. Have you thought about doing a pros and cons list to decide what would be best for you?
Keep us updated!
Still no progress yet in terms of career. I literally refused the offer for support recently from National Careers Service and I regret it badly, it might not be much but it's still helpful. I'll relax for now, I don't want to pressure myself.
Other than that, there's not much else that I did something good. I could say that I was tested negative for COVID-19 and I would've known it already that I won't even get close of getting it, even I'm still working since the crisis started.
I'll try not to dwell into it too much of my current plans ahead, I don't want to affect my mental health again. Still lacking motivation.
It's been over 6 months since I created this post. First half isn't what I've been seeking for but hopefully the second half will definitely show some progress with the right mindset and motivation that I really need.
At the moment, I always think that my desired career always involves training courses along with costs. Money is everything, honestly for me. Having to get myself a low-tier job until I have enough to spend necessarily is probably the only way I continue to pursue my goals since I've been really lacking behind.
I don't know if I won't even be eligible for retaking another free GCSE English course as I am getting close to my age limit. The reason I mentioned about GCSE English is that most of the jobs and courses require at least Grade 4 in English anyway, colleges and universities in particular. I'm still desperate to pass my English subject.
But in the meantime, I will have an another go at contacting to Career Advisors as well as trying to do some research thoroughly. Also surprised to see I managed my mental health, currently in good condition but still ended up extremely lonely and barely talked to anyone, even the lockdown has been lifted.
All of this that I wrote up would mean nothing to me if I hadn't done something spectacular.
Since I gifted him money for Father's Day, it's now my father's birthday and so I gave him even more money as a present (£80 in total, just want to make him happy again) and alongside other things.
We normally just have a normal feast and some pictures towards the collection etc., so nothing exciting really. But that's the way we normally celebrate birthdays and would prefer it that way. He also got Alexa as his gift from my mum which immediately got interacted with.
Just drank more than two glasses of wine that have strong alcohol in it, so I might as well drink some more and getting absolutely slammed tonight to show how pathetic I am. 😂
At last for a long long time with my serious mental health starts fully recovering, I've finally have the courage to self-learn again, I've never ever motivate myself in years. However, I didn't contact the Careers Advisors back yet again, oh well.
I'm doing another online course that involves sustainability and helping the environment, I'm over half-way though and doing really well. Although the course is free, I can pay up to £200/year along with other subscriptions so I can get myself a verified printed certificate delivered and I can learn as many courses as I want, even degree courses too.
However, I still need to think about my current goal which is buying a reliable car. Not only that, insurance, MOT, services and road tax are also to consider. Yes I can drive and passed my driving test since over a year and a half ago.
But in the meantime, I'll just keep saving up and finding myself a job that have contract hours until I can safely invest towards the car.
Mental Health is looking good so far, I hadn’t noticed any nasty triggers yet which I really want to make it happen all the time. Whenever I felt loneliness, it’s really strange that I didn’t even managed to speak to someone even though I want to, still want to consider counselling though that I want to meet in person and online. It would be amazing to have. I know loneliness is absolutely unhealthy for me as I’ve been doing it for over 7 years, but I will get there eventually.
Just want to focus on what’s enjoyable for me in the meantime.
Just one little argument from my mum that is so direct and very judgmental once again and I immediately landed on the depressing side, but I've managed to regain control of my mental health back to where it was before. I usually dwell thoughts for a while and in my own personal space before I start to recover. If I don't want to upset them again, I have to do something and take action now rather than leaving it later.
Not much to write here, nothing spectacular at the moment. I'm just this type of person that loves nothing but to stay at home in the spare time even with the current epidemic still occurring, but I can say that I will save a lot of money when I usually go out in which case I rarely do.
The only problem that I need to work on are my excessive mood swings and my clear decisions as sometimes my main goals always fluctuates and the directions isn't accurate. I guess when time passes by, I will eventually have a lot of options that I can invest and also have the best possible outcome in return.
Same as always, even it's been over a month since my last entry. Realising that with the pandemic still going on that last probably a few months or years, now severely limits my future options.
In terms of my personal well-being, I have to be careful of myself since I still go to work with regular swab tests every week. I was also given regular days per week and next month will be much much more. When I thought about my physical health, sometimes I pushed myself beyond limits until to the point where I felt deep physical pain, but my body is more capable when handling actions that require most if not all of the labour that lasts hours.
Whenever I have bad moments however, mental health hits me really hard everytime I get triggered by it. Songs like 'Untitled' by Simple Plan is where I listen to on repeat. If I feel this way, I wanted see how far this goes.
This is the moment recently where I was overwhelmed with thoughts, now it's time to offload everything and I'm going to tell the truth about my true struggles.
I’ve experienced what is like to be lonely for a very long time, where I could never break the curse. There are many moments where I don't get to introduce myself and getting to know each other when I was in college for instance, sometimes I don't even know their personality and if I start getting their attention not only becoming friends that will stay there for a while, it's also them will be grabbing my attention at a wrong time in the way that I might not have the time to chat or vice versa the conversations sometimes be an utter nonsense where I felt uncomfortable. This my thought process.
But just declining myself the opportunity socialising with other people that I don't really know in a reality world made me a completely different person. I was really shy back then, literally met up with people, not wanting to talk or even make friends and I just kept going and it didn't stop, but I always respond back is someone is talking to me. Examples such as classmates where I was dead quiet for the whole year and getting up to the point where I made an impression of myself and therefore I was too weak to talk to them. Even if I did, their responses will be like "Do I even know you?" "Why are you so quiet?" because that's how I think and it hurts so much, but it looks like I hadn't come out of the shell not just yet. I know why this is already a huge problem for me, I’ve been doing this since when I was Year 8 but it definitely started once I graduated in Year 11.
During my college times, I was really concerned why I started to have serious mental health problems after I’ve failed GCSE English so many times. Is it because I don’t have someone to talk to? Is it because that I was lonely for the entire of my college career? Is it because all of these problems had in the past ignored which then I lost my motivation? I guess all of these questions are correct, but with even I was taken to seek help I was reluctant all the way. I didn’t bothered my emails from the college counselling when I’ve sent them to seek help. Whenever someone is worried of me I always hide it. Even I was in the room with the Health and Well-being officer and said I need to speak to the GP she even set me up for an appointment, I literally refused and didn’t say anything at all. To make matters worse, there was one occasion where I once told to seek support session 1-2-1 in order to pass my English subject where I was received a text message saying I should head there. Since I didn’t bothered I received the message again saying they were worried that I didn’t come. Once I did finally went there, a student walked past me and headed into the room with the staff member that I was supposed to seek support with and completely disregarded me. It was the most dreadful feeling as walked out of that building, as I knew that I would fail English once again and it did months later and failed again and again. What is actually wrong with me honestly. I was really serious about my English since it’s really essential and whenever I failed my most important subject to progress, my parents were really stroppy where I felt more and more miserable. These are all the things why I’ve been through harrowing years of immense suffering and suicidal thoughts. All of this seems really normal, but it’s just my goddamn mental health is always stopping me where I don’t have a purpose anymore.
These long-term problems more than 6 years ago carried on today is too much to handle for me, even with the distractions it bothers me so much and sometimes insanely difficult looking after myself whenever I feel really low. I would tell you right now that I have a much harder time to talk to someone. I don’t talk enough to be consistent. I don’t talk to variety of people especially girls and it might be creepy to you, I am really serious about this and too nervous back then. I don’t even have the courage to just engaging into conversations and having myself a good time and if I want to talk, how I am supposed to answer as I barely have enough social skills. I always feel this way and everything isn’t going so well. I used to get along well with my very old friends back in the years but now it’s gone, completely gone.
This is the type of person I am now. No friends for all these years. In battle with mental health just like others. Another lonely person. I was going to do something stupid and heartbreaking but I always have a doubt of the outcome of this. I must help my hard-working parents who helped me and my brother started living abroad over a decade ago and becoming permanent citizens as we have no other close relatives at all, just a family of 4. I also couldn’t imagine how I got this far without talking medication not even once in my entire life. It seems that it isn’t always the end of the world because I can still chase my dreams to complete my career and when my mum said that I can take my time to achieve it at any age, I’m glad to say that I carried on with my own pace and anything can work whatever decision I make as long as I make a living out of it.
But at the end of the day, I thanked myself that I’ll live for another day.
Even though I chose myself to stay, It’s really difficult to speak to a stranger in a group chat for example and with a lot of compromises that didn’t get me relieved enough. This is what I get when I don’t contribute society enough by a third-quarter of my entire life. I felt I’m ensnared and not having someone responding me in the way that normal human do during conversations and even it carried over to my current employment at the moment where I just literally focus on my work but having enough confidence to talk. This will create an impression where colleagues and friends thought of me as a hardworking but a really quiet guy, because this is who I am now and sometimes I find difficult to find friendship that ties the knot and considered a long-term or a close friend with a lot of opportunities that I could’ve been friends with.
To be honest, this will eventually carry on for a long time and because I have this mindset where it’s best to be lonely because the people I talk to aren’t reliable enough, the damage will be collateral. I wish I had the courage to do it. Shame.