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How I'm getting on at the moment.

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  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    30# (Wednesday 30th September 2020)

    This is the moment recently where I was overwhelmed with thoughts, now it's time to offload everything and I'm going to tell the truth about my true struggles.


    I’ve experienced what is like to be lonely for a very long time, where I could never break the curse. There are many moments where I don't get to introduce myself and getting to know each other when I was in college for instance, sometimes I don't even know their personality and if I start getting their attention not only becoming friends that will stay there for a while, it's also them will be grabbing my attention at a wrong time in the way that I might not have the time to chat or vice versa the conversations sometimes be an utter nonsense where I felt uncomfortable. This my thought process.

    But just declining myself the opportunity socialising with other people that I don't really know in a reality world made me a completely different person. I was really shy back then, literally met up with people, not wanting to talk or even make friends and I just kept going and it didn't stop, but I always respond back is someone is talking to me. Examples such as classmates where I was dead quiet for the whole year and getting up to the point where I made an impression of myself and therefore I was too weak to talk to them. Even if I did, their responses will be like "Do I even know you?" "Why are you so quiet?" because that's how I think and it hurts so much, but it looks like I hadn't come out of the shell not just yet. I know why this is already a huge problem for me, I’ve been doing this since when I was Year 8 but it definitely started once I graduated in Year 11.

    During my college times, I was really concerned why I started to have serious mental health problems after I’ve failed GCSE English so many times. Is it because I don’t have someone to talk to? Is it because that I was lonely for the entire of my college career? Is it because all of these problems had in the past ignored which then I lost my motivation? I guess all of these questions are correct, but with even I was taken to seek help I was reluctant all the way. I didn’t bothered my emails from the college counselling when I’ve sent them to seek help. Whenever someone is worried of me I always hide it. Even I was in the room with the Health and Well-being officer and said I need to speak to the GP she even set me up for an appointment, I literally refused and didn’t say anything at all. To make matters worse, there was one occasion where I once told to seek support session 1-2-1 in order to pass my English subject where I was received a text message saying I should head there. Since I didn’t bothered I received the message again saying they were worried that I didn’t come. Once I did finally went there, a student walked past me and headed into the room with the staff member that I was supposed to seek support with and completely disregarded me. It was the most dreadful feeling as walked out of that building, as I knew that I would fail English once again and it did months later and failed again and again. What is actually wrong with me honestly. I was really serious about my English since it’s really essential and whenever I failed my most important subject to progress, my parents were really stroppy where I felt more and more miserable. These are all the things why I’ve been through harrowing years of immense suffering and suicidal thoughts. All of this seems really normal, but it’s just my goddamn mental health is always stopping me where I don’t have a purpose anymore.

    These long-term problems more than 6 years ago carried on today is too much to handle for me, even with the distractions it bothers me so much and sometimes insanely difficult looking after myself whenever I feel really low. I would tell you right now that I have a much harder time to talk to someone. I don’t talk enough to be consistent. I don’t talk to variety of people especially girls and it might be creepy to you, I am really serious about this and too nervous back then. I don’t even have the courage to just engaging into conversations and having myself a good time and if I want to talk, how I am supposed to answer as I barely have enough social skills. I always feel this way and everything isn’t going so well. I used to get along well with my very old friends back in the years but now it’s gone, completely gone.

    This is the type of person I am now. No friends for all these years. In battle with mental health just like others. Another lonely person. I was going to do something stupid and heartbreaking but I always have a doubt of the outcome of this. I must help my hard-working parents who helped me and my brother started living abroad over a decade ago and becoming permanent citizens as we have no other close relatives at all, just a family of 4. I also couldn’t imagine how I got this far without talking medication not even once in my entire life. It seems that it isn’t always the end of the world because I can still chase my dreams to complete my career and when my mum said that I can take my time to achieve it at any age, I’m glad to say that I carried on with my own pace and anything can work whatever decision I make as long as I make a living out of it.

    But at the end of the day, I thanked myself that I’ll live for another day. 




    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    31# (Tuesday 13th October 2020)

    Even though I chose myself to stay, It’s really difficult to speak to a stranger in a group chat for example and with a lot of compromises that didn’t get me relieved enough. This is what I get when I don’t contribute society enough by a third-quarter of my entire life. I felt I’m ensnared and not having someone responding me in the way that normal human do during conversations and even it carried over to my current employment at the moment where I just literally focus on my work but having enough confidence to talk. This will create an impression where colleagues and friends thought of me as a hardworking but a really quiet guy, because this is who I am now and sometimes I find difficult to find friendship that ties the knot and considered a long-term or a close friend with a lot of opportunities that I could’ve been friends with.

    To be honest, this will eventually carry on for a long time and because I have this mindset where it’s best to be lonely because the people I talk to aren’t reliable enough, the damage will be collateral. I wish I had the courage to do it. Shame.

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    32# (Friday 23rd October 2020)

    All I do is spreading my negative energy into people's minds in the way that sometimes they don't know how to respond my feelings and they just let it go and not bothering me anymore. I have clearly accepted myself that I have denied so many chances to participate into society that I could have earned a type of friend that I can talk to.

    For the first time, I will hold the biggest responsibility and the most trusted one in looking after my only family which is just my parents and sticking with me for the rest of their lives, returning back to our country from the UK when they retire to prevent any serious neglect. This was a plan discussed. If they choose that I will be looking after them, then my desired long-term goals started back when I was in school will be completely abandoned and all of my previous diaries regardless of my future plans are completely redundant. 

    Since I am absolutely selfish when I kept my years of long-term problems all by myself, what if it carries over the years? I would be dealing this over and over again as I need to do everything I can to have long term aspects of a happy life and making sure that my parents' years of beyond-hardwork is finally paying off when trying my very best to succeed.

    All of these things will not come into reality if I had this goddamn mental health of mine still exists, like it was holding on me and never letting it go. I never properly opened up. I never seek help or support. I never took any medications. The stigma had stuck me there during all of my dark times. But if I would to do something extraordinary just one thing that would change on how I feel forever, having this one big impactful change is all it takes. It just I don't feel that true happiness yet, unless if I do the impossible.


    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    33# (Monday 16th November 2020)

    On this day, it’s now my full year anniversary of this amazing community and I still haven’t changed, but I did what I could. Honestly, I wish I could have the courage to be proactive and support others more but I can’t because of my mental health battle is always getting in my way and problematic enough as it is. I always know what’s it like for myself to experience loneliness for nearly a decade and not having a proper friendship, not even once is always getting me and it will never change because It’s just something I getting used to. I’ll never get to taste of what it’s like to have a real human-being to actually talk to. I’ll never get to have an opportunity to make friends years ago. I’ll never get to feel true happiness ever again.

    My experience of The Mix overall is absolutely wasted, so here’s to another year of suffering for me. 😞
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
    Liam
  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 604 Moderator
    edited November 17
    Hey there @_John it's great that you have been part of The Mix community for a year! It is lovely to have you here, try not to worry about not supporting others, that's completely okay! Sometimes we aren't in the right headspace and it is important to look after ourselves.  <3

    It sounds like you are feeling quite lonely so I'm really sorry to hear that, you mentioned that you feel you will never get a taste of what it's like to have a real human being to talk too, what makes you feel this way?

    I have just come across this discussion, it's a general overview of loneliness and has some hints and tips to help beat it, might be worth a look at. 

    I am wondering if you have any hobbies? It can be a good way of finding like minded people, with the current lockdown it won't be as easy but there are loads of groups that have moved online and will most likely have meet ups in person. How would you feel about maybe exploring some of these? 
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    34# (Thursday 19th November 2020)

    Finally I'm getting this moment where I never get to spend things before that are very premium and never touched anything premium before. I got myself a brand new phone called the OnePlus 8 Pro at Amazon for nearly £800 and other luxuries. Since the pandemic is still happening anyway in which made me stay at home most of the time, so buying myself a car isn't worth it after all.

    Personally, I guess I never had any strong feelings about acquiring things that felt expensive and I always imagine things that I couldn't afford in the past and it's so nice to get my hands on it from now on. I have never felt this type of wealth before for the first time of my entire life. Obviously, I have to be very wise about it because money is really hard to get and can easily lose out of control. I'm glad of what I've spent overall and I'm even happier that I'm using with my own money!
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
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