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All I do is spreading my negative energy into people's minds in the way that sometimes they don't know how to respond my feelings and they just let it go and not bothering me anymore. I have clearly accepted myself that I have denied so many chances to participate into society that I could have earned a type of friend that I can talk to.
For the first time, I will hold the biggest responsibility and the most trusted one in looking after my only family which is just my parents and sticking with me for the rest of their lives, returning back to our country from the UK when they retire to prevent any serious neglect. This was a plan discussed. If they choose that I will be looking after them, then my desired long-term goals started back when I was in school will be completely abandoned and all of my previous diaries regardless of my future plans are completely redundant.
Since I am absolutely selfish when I kept my years of long-term problems all by myself, what if it carries over the years? I would be dealing this over and over again as I need to do everything I can to have long term aspects of a happy life and making sure that my parents' years of beyond-hardwork is finally paying off when trying my very best to succeed.
All of these things will not come into reality if I had this goddamn mental health of mine still exists, like it was holding on me and never letting it go. I never properly opened up. I never seek help or support. I never took any medications. The stigma had stuck me there during all of my dark times. But if I would to do something extraordinary just one thing that would change on how I feel forever, having this one big impactful change is all it takes. It just I don't feel that true happiness yet, unless if I do the impossible.
On this day, it’s now my full year anniversary of this amazing community and I still haven’t changed, but I did what I could. Honestly, I wish I could have the courage to be proactive and support others more but I can’t because of my mental health battle is always getting in my way and problematic enough as it is. I always know what’s it like for myself to experience loneliness for nearly a decade and not having a proper friendship, not even once is always getting me and it will never change because It’s just something I getting used to. I’ll never get to taste of what it’s like to have a real human-being to actually talk to. I’ll never get to have an opportunity to make friends years ago. I’ll never get to feel true happiness ever again.
It sounds like you are feeling quite lonely so I'm really sorry to hear that, you mentioned that you feel you will never get a taste of what it's like to have a real human being to talk too, what makes you feel this way?
I have just come across this discussion, it's a general overview of loneliness and has some hints and tips to help beat it, might be worth a look at.
Finally I'm getting this moment where I never get to spend things before that are very premium and never touched anything premium before. I got myself a brand new phone called the OnePlus 8 Pro at Amazon for nearly £800 and other luxuries. Since the pandemic is still happening anyway in which made me stay at home most of the time, so buying myself a car isn't worth it after all.
Personally, I guess I never had any strong feelings about acquiring things that felt expensive and I always imagine things that I couldn't afford in the past and it's so nice to get my hands on it from now on. I have never felt this type of wealth before for the first time of my entire life. Obviously, I have to be very wise about it because money is really hard to get and can easily lose out of control. I'm glad of what I've spent overall and I'm even happier that I'm using with my own money!
My battle with mental health is still going strong despite reluctantly seeking professional help time and time again. Sometimes I feel completely separated from others in this community and that's great for me, knowing that it's utterly pointless when trying to vent with anybody.
Distractions will be and always be my main thing that I only rely on. Since it worked from the beginning of 2020 until now, I can tell that there is not a lot to worry about myself anymore. Maybe I'm really different to others if I feel this way.
Now I've been thinking about my mental health, it really triggers me and this is the point I'm trying to make. It's best to forget it sometimes. Also, I'll try to get the most out of it this Christmas before I round out my overall progress of what I've been through this year.
Just over a year ago, I made a frightening commitment that will lead the end of me if I can't any progress once more, now here I am with a part-time job and financially healthy which made my parent proud of me. It completely changed my life and I knew it all along once I worked at that part-time job long enough despite the sacrifices and I'm glad I've through that.
If I was to choose a New Year's Resolution, it will be willing to commit on occasions that will be always a positive result and backed up by not let things go and press on. I know I've gone this far to have a better future for myself and now this a year that I have to make changes.
Here's to 2021, looking forward to it!
My first post in 2021. There is nothing to write about any of my serious issues apart from maintaining good mental health. Although I was sacrificing myself throughout these days, this year has been okay so far despite being physically struggling during work.
I'm currently self-isolating because I live with someone who tested positive for COVID-19 just a week ago whilst I'm in a middle of my exhausting cover shifts for this month. It got definitely better because all of us tested negative at home, they are allowed to return to work apart from me since I'll be back in February.
Since I was isolating most of the time, I took all of my stress and frustrations out by playing a game that I seriously enjoy regularly on my phone as long as I don't burn myself out, and using a treadmill for exercise most of the time. Living with my parents is something I don't have to worry about myself anymore, as I managed to interact with them more often in which it showed me progress and a lot better than before.
Sometimes making friends online seems hard enough for me. There are people out there that don't match my personality as I have no one to talk to due to my personal interests of things and I don't have enough courage to just jump into a conversation. But nothing is slowing me down anyway, all that matters is that I always have something to do.
Isolating at home is definitely tough but it’s good to hear you’ll be back at work by February. It sounds like you had some really good coping mechanisms throughout lockdown balancing your time between the game you enjoyed and using the treadmill.
I totally understand what you mean about making friends. Could you perhaps join an online class I know some people who have joined online exercise and dance classes which allows them to keep active and make friends.
Sorry if this sounded patronising. Wish you all the best and I’m always happy to listen if you ever need anything
Great progress so far. Apart from minor criticism, I was able to maintain my attitude and kept my momentum going.
I'm in a middle of a very busy month where I work 10 hours a day and my highest was 62 hours a week which I thought I wasn't going to make it with all this exhausting labouring. Luckily my mum regularly picks me up for every shift in which to show how she supportive she is.
As always, I regularly do things that I enjoy in which my results were shown positive for the past few days and weeks and hopefully it'll stay that way. I'm getting there though.
What a way to celebrate my birthday today after my last hardworking shift of the entire month that is so painful, I thought I couldn't make it without a single absence such as relentlessly working 12 hours a day.
There will more to come, but for now I want to make my birthday as relaxing as possible tonight. 🎉🎂
It's been a while since I last posted my diary entry, I had little interest in that time. Even if I did my diary entries regularly, it's essentially the same results ... until now.
I have been working for over a year now in which I am proud of. I was really working hard beyond limits and saved alot of money as I'm halfway through on what is likely to be a mortgage deal. The colleagues were also supportive and impressed from the start in which I got to admit I actually enjoy working there.
Not all colleagues are friendly though, we've just recently went through a tough time. Back in the day I had my dark times where suffered so much that I didn't show awareness everyone, even with my family. Soon I realised that I now showed true concerns about my mum's work at a different place just recently. She was recently received a lot to abuse for arriving late and even small mistakes she apologised for but gets retaliated which hurts her feelings even more whereas her colleague arrived very late regularly with a smirk on its face and nothing happens. It's like playing dictators who bullies people gets away with everything and also steals all of the hours, even so far as to report that my mum is working poorly when clearly she put all of her efforts. She clearly had enough, her blood pressure gets even worse when she recently had an argument back at home few days ago. Luckily her manager was friendly, but that relief of hers quickly faded away where the manager is retiring soon so if that tyrant is named the new manager, she wants to quit anyway before we start to get really worried as we don't know what will happen to her.
This is where I had to take things seriously. Normally my dad handle this situation for this type of problem when they had a phone call, but it's now my turn for the first time and step in as a supportive role and to hear she had to say. I have never felt like this before. I have never supported anyone this deep but she's my mother. All she wants is support and I am trying my best to listen to her to make sure she's okay because we as a family have no way of surviving without her. I talked to her about it and gave her my support as she was relieved but kept telling me that she finally has the decision to quit on her job that she's been working for over a decade.
I continued to be supportive, passionate and a listener throughout our conversation but at a same time, I was really worried for her and couldn't stop thinking about her high blood pressure and feeling down when she finished work, it's starting to feel like it's a regular thing. At least she's okay overall as she pulls herself together which is a relief that we all want. The one last thing I told her is to seek professional support should the problem becoming more serious and she clearly understood.
One big phone call I had with her ended with a thank you with all of her heart but at a same time, I couldn't get my stress away for a moment but we'll be there when she needs us at anytime. As I'm writing this diary entry, it's currently my third day working tomorrow out of working 6 days in a row, 10 hours a day. My working environment is stressful enough and a lot of physical strain but I'm really trying my best to looking after my mental health as I kept saying this to myself over and over again. Not talking to people whenever I open up about it is still an problem of mine, but I make up for all of the distractions that I really enjoy. I'm going to be just fine.
I know it's a bit strange since I haven't been using this post and interacting with this community for over 3 years. Before I could close this diary entry and possibly not going back to The Mix community forever, I might as well update my life.
First of all, I'm in much better place now. I'm mentally and financially stable as I'm still working on the same job for over 4 years now whilst earning large sums of money annually. I got promoted to a new position around a year ago and there lots to do and can get overwhelming but managed to persevere all these years and the results turned out well.
I'm still living and looking after my parents and we're in great terms which pretty much is the same as before, this time I've been helping them financially such as treating them to a meal in a restaurant, paying monthly bills for broadband etc. That way, we continue to support each other. Of course, I've been going out more and spending time with family and friends. My personality had completely changed life thanks to my work which now I'm more mature, polite and more resilient.
At the moment, I've been playing 3 live-serviced mobile games and keeping up with the updates. One of those games I'm currently running as a Guild Leader in-game and interacting other enthusiasts in Discord, YouTube and Twitch livestreams which gives me a nice immersive experience. This is my main way to keep my mind occupied and also my favourite hobby which is important to me.
I guess I'll end it here. If anybody knows me before, thank you for taking your time to read my posts in the past. I'm leaving the shadow of my former self, so now I'm going to move on from this and not looking back. I'll keep pushing through obstacles whilst not burning myself out in the process.
This time, I'm finally free from these shackles.
Goodbye everyone.
_John
We'll always be here if you need us.