Home Health & Wellbeing

How I'm getting on at the moment.

_John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
edited January 12 in Health & Wellbeing
Hello, It's been a while.

Just want to make this thread as my personal well-beings and goals, because I didn't realized it's a new decade which means it's now a possibility to turn my life around as I'm still crippled with mental health for years now.

I might try and have guts to make myself a diary out of this thread as time goes by. (Unless it intervenes towards the rules about the thread.)

Going to try and update this regularly whenever I log in, I have to be really determined to do this.

I hope this is okay for you everyone.

"Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu


  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    edited January 12
    Starting with: # 1 (12th January 2020) - It's my first time that I've used a helpline and as soon as I called Samaritans I can tell myself that it's a beginning of a healing process and showing true honesty.

    The first thing I'm trying to do is to open up more, when I tried to speak to a volunteer about my mental health, I began to stutter and having this sort of short pauses.

    She told me that being open to others as well as distractions tends to offload most of the thoughts in my head. She even allows me to have more time to express myself.
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 2,710 Boards Champion
    It can be tough reaching out, so well done! Being open with your thought to others who want to help and finding good distractions can really help. I hope everything works out for you 😊
    "Do, or do not, there is no try" <(•.•)>              
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 643 Incredible Poster
    Hi @_John

    Keeping a thread/diary about your feelings sounds like a great idea. It's good to reflect - and we always be here if you need some support :smile:
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #2 (14th January 2020) - After a few days of training, I started to realize that it's really different from what I used to work as I get into contact with members of staff and residents for most of the time.

    Later on, I'm getting to know other people more and they seem to be really friendly and supportive whenever I talk about my mental health which is really hard to open up. I'm glad that I spat it out so they know my personality and what I've been suffering emotionally.
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • Han93Han93 EnglandPosts: 311 The Mix Regular
    Great to see you opening up @_John

    Hope this is helping - we're all hear to listen and support you!
  • PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 228 Moderator
    Hey @_John this is such a great thread!

    It's so great that you built up the courage to speak to Samaritans and that they are helping you to open up more in your own time. It sounds like it has definitely been a big step in the right direction - well done <3 

    Please do keep us updated - we would love to hear how you get on :)
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #3 (15th January 2020) - Whenever I kept myself busy, It was literally the best way to get distracted without having to dwell onto negative thoughts. Not even once.

    Recently, members of staff from the kitchen area are really pleased to see my hardwork as they knew that I'm quick at learning things by flexing onto different roles that I've never experienced. I hope I keep my emotions this way as I can get mood-swings anytime soon.

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • RileyRiley Posts: 623 Super Moderator
    It's wonderful to hear that keeping yourself distracted is helping you so much @_John it sounds like it's been really helpful! It's also really nice to hear that staff members have noticed how hard-working you are. I know a lot of people here on the boards rooting for you so hopefully you feel able to keep us all up to date with how you're doing so we can support you. :)
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #4 (18th January 2020) - Probably my worst day of 2020 so far. Yep, I knew this was coming.

    A letter had come through this morning for my exam result, it's a GCSE English re-sit exam that I took last November.

    It's really sad to say that I've failed miserably for the 7th time as soon as I looked a Grade 3 on my results sheet and it's same grade over and over again out of all of my attempts.

    For a subject that isn't my first language and trying to pass since Year 11 in 2016 and still not enough, it's just pure effort and unenjoyable in doing the same questions and still didn't pass. I even spent most of my own time revising for weeks before my most recent exam as I was serious about it. It's just ridiculous.
    I've felt that I'm trying so hard to commit suicide since 2017 as in the way that if I've reached to a breaking point where I feel completely hopeless and overwhelmed and if I do it, I'll do it because I'm confident enough to do so. But as the same time, it would be so stupid and selfish since they have to deal with a loss of a loved one as I said earlier in my recent thread. 
    No wonder why I have no choice but to go on full time instead of continuing on college and university since I should be doing that, so what's the point of moving on where most jobs that I wanted requires at least a pass in English? Yeah I know some people would say to me like 'You can try again and it's not the end of the world', but still I've failed to a subject that I supposed to pass in school by now, this is bullshit.

    This isn't the only reason of why I'm feeling this way though. I have other issues too, mostly addiction in gaming since childhood that led me to being lonely for the most of my life since I don't have any reliable friends to get on with. I felt like I always blame myself for the hobbies that I enjoy and having to suffer for all my efforts in life that are going down the drain. Just feeling too hard and sorrow on myself right now and you can see why I'm trying my best so I can make my parents proud even though they put pressure on me and being judgmental all the time. What a waste. 

    I'll let you know later on. 😞

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #5 (19th January 2020) - There is some occasions where I felt that I need to seek support in the way that if anyone is feeling sympathy for me or otherwise. So I've decided to call Samaritans again for the 4th time and out of all of the helpline calls, that one conversation that I had last night, was the one that I'll never forget. 
    I've spoken to a volunteer, who is a young woman and speaks fluent English. Suddenly, I was actually surprised that her accent is French as we continued our conversation. We got along really well, as it got to the point where I felt that it was worth it and told me that calling Samaritans was a right thing to do.

    Maybe I can say the same thing over again, but this time I've managed to speak up more about other reasons that got me into mental health as I struggled to socialise. Finally someone who understands my struggles throughout the years and sending me virtual hugs and wishing me to be her friend. This is because I kept making complements, which is very kind of her since she said to me in response that I was really nice and honest as a person.

    Everything she says about me and my plans for the future is really supportive and we've managed to discuss other topics for a little while, but there is one quote that she mentioned about my failed exam yesterday however, which had left me thinking ...

    "You've lost the battle, but not the war."
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    edited January 23
    #6 (23th January 2020) - Nothing major happened to me at the moment, so I won't be typing much. I'm feeling fine right now, just had a few mood swings in the past few days that isn't too intrusive.

    If you need to know what I'm doing right now, I'm just finishing off some action points for my online coursework so my tutor can happily sign it off.

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • RileyRiley Posts: 623 Super Moderator
    Aw @_John it seems like your phone call to Samaritans the other day was really helpful. Especially as you had such a rough time before it's very heart-warming to hear that that conversation really turned your mood around. :) Thank you so much for keeping us all updated!
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #7 (25th January 2020) - I had this constant stress again because I'm forcing myself to update my coursework as soon as possible, but even though the deadline is under a month away, I try not to push everything in without having to rush through the answers.

    For tomorrow, sometimes I felt paranoid whenever I'm going to see another colleague that I haven't met yet, which I supposed to be normal about it. The last time I did my shift, there's one colleague saying "he is alright" and another one said "he's a bit mental" which is stuck on my head, thinking that it would worry me if he's going to chat a lot, as in making fun of people or just acting crazy.

    Then I realised that most of my colleagues told me that he's very quick on getting things done and when I thought about it, refers to a physical aspect rather than a mental aspect. 

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 228 Moderator
    Hey @_John it's really insightful to read through your updates, thanks for posting them :)

    It seems like your coursework is stressing you out a lot at the moment. I've found some tips from Mind about ways to destress that may help you, such as:
    • Try to wind down and shut out the world for a while e.g. through listening to soothing music
    • Take time for your mind and body to relax through reading, meditating, mindfulness or yoga.
    • Regular and frequent exercise is an excellent way to reduce stress & tension whilst improving sleep and energy.”
    • Make sure you have nutritious meals every day to ensure that you have enough energy.
    • Talk to your family and friends, and if you feel able to, reach out to them about how you are feeling so they can support you more effectively.
    • Speak to your tutor about the stress you are feeling - they may be able to come up with some suggestions about how to ease the load. 
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #8 (Saturday 1st February 2020) - Have you ever feel being pressured so much by your parents about seeking another job for money and still suffering through severe mental health? That’s how I’m feeling right now. Even though I can still work towards my new job, it’s a zero-hour contract which means the hours are sometimes inconsistent as I hadn’t got a call from them of what my next shift starts.

    My mum still pressuring me to find another job as a backup (mainly contract hours) just in case if I got nothing to do which I am right now. Somehow, I always tend to escalate an argument because I kept walking out of the situation and retaliation, she kept yelling at me to come back as her voice grew aggressive and keeps telling me that I need to stop acting like a child. I have no friends, no one supports me and I still had to suffer miserably when my mum humiliated me, always judgemental and she always thinks she’s right all the time and saying the same shit over and over again, making me feel bad. Even though she looked through jobs that I’m not comfortable with. I’m being forced. I knew all the way because money is just the only obvious reason.

    Personally, I don’t know why I made her upset, because I’m feeling distressed and I always get thing wrong. She knew that she doesn’t want me to do nothing, nothing progressive in life as I stayed at home most of the time and I felt like she had enough of it. But I hope she can forgive a little bit as I still have things to do right now like my coursework for example.

    It’s one on those things that strict parents are expecting to see their sons/daughters to excel very well in life.

    Still thinking about suicide though, and self-harm it’s just plain stupid in my opinion so I never do it.

    I’m really sorry about this. 😞 These problems are just common to me.
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • RileyRiley Posts: 623 Super Moderator
    Hey @_John there's no need to apologise for talking about your problems. These boards are all about giving people a place where they can talk about what they're going through so it's really great to see you opening up about it all. <3

    I think it's totally understandable that you would feel stressed out with your parents pressuring you so much. At the end of the day it's your mental health that's at risk if you start pushing yourself too hard and that should always come first!

    Have you considered trying to find out what kind of benefits you might be eligible for? There are benefits available for if you're unable to work because of health issues, or if you're simply not able to get the hours you need at your job. Let me know if that's something you'd consider or if you need more information about it I'd be happy to help. :)
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    edited February 8
    #9 (Saturday 8th February 2020) - Mental Health is always slowing me down. My problems kept going around in circles. Didn't get myself to commit all the way. Had lots of doubts. 

    Spent the entire day today looking for a full-time job relentlessly through newspapers and online, as I hadn't found a job that fits my skills and experience. I don't know if applying loads of jobs, hopefully someone will response is a viable thing as the decision is so bold that it might create myself a bad impression to others. Job clubs might also worth considering too.

    To be honest, I'm just this desperate so I can get this over with and not having to worry about my parents anymore. Having around £15-70 a week in my current job that is so inconsistent, I don't even survive in life. Even I don't get a call from my new job of when it's my next shift, since it's a zero-hour contract obviously and it's been nearly a month now.

    If you were to call me lazy because I wasn't confident enough. That's fine I guess.

    Edit: I’ve just passed my online course yesterday. (NCFE Level 2 Certificate in Principles of Business Administration) 

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 605 Moderator
    Hey @_John

    Just wanting to pop in and see how you are?  <3

    Its positive that you spent the day looking for jobs, sounds really productive! 

    It sounds like you don't want to worry about your parents anymore, and you mentioned your current job which seems like its not fully benefiting you at the moment, it must be stressful with it being inconsistent.

    You are definitely not lazy, by no means! 

    Well done for passing your online course by the way! it sounds like a really good qualification.  :)

  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m dead England 🏠Posts: 11,363 An Original Mixlorian
    Thank you for sharing here <3. I hope it helps. Well done on passing! 

    How's the job hunt going?  Hope youre okay. We are listening x
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #10 (Tuesday 11th February 2020) 
    I've just went to a Job club for the first time, where a bunch of unemployed people, seeking some help to get themselves into a job such as; setting up their CV's, practice interviews, cover letters and all other elements of employability skills they need. I'm surprised that most of the people I met are real older than me. It's not a job fair after all.

    Then I met this lady that I've spoke through the phone the other day, was actually the person who manages the club. We sat down, filled out all of registration details and I got myself productive yet again as she offered me some help with the little tweaks of my CV to make the reader appealing. This led me to an another job application, so I have to write up a covering email with my CV attached as she corrected any phrases that make sense in English standards. (Because English isn't my first language, obviously.)

    She was really heart-warming and supportive when I opened up about my mental health, told me that I was brave for being honest and actually coming in for the session. When she kindly asked me to come for another session on Thursday, I decided to do it as I was glad that I discovered this advert when I was still looking for jobs through newspapers. She will also offer me emotional support as someone to talk to really helps. Something that will get myself distracted without having to dwell into negative thoughts again. 

    I see that this is a good sign of life so far. I hope it stays this way.
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    edited February 19
    #11 (Wednesday 19th February 2020) 

    Reached a breaking point where I felt suicidal recently. Just things that made me surrounded by complete darkness.

    I'll be honest with you, I don't know if this is worth it anymore. All of these comments supposed to be a step in the right direction. But all I've got is the same problem every year. Just to note that I haven’t touched medications, not even once.

    When I looked back on my first ever posts, I still believe on this one. It’s starting to get really scary now ...
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,539 Community Veteran
    Just wanted to jump in and send hugs, it won't always be like this 💖
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 460 Moderator
    edited February 21
    Hi @_John

    I just wanted to chime in and tell you that you're incredibly brave and strong. We're all here to listen and support you through this. <3
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #12 (Wednesday 4th March 2020)

    This is currently my best week so far where I finally felt happiness. So it’s worth celebrating!

    Days ago, I’ve just had a couple of hugs from a colleague because she respects me of my battles with mental health and very supportive as she kept saying things like “You’re doing very well!” which helped my confidence and it means a lot to me. 

    Then the next occasion, I’ve been to the job club yet again and spoke to the same person that I’ve met for the first time, it was really a safe place to have a conversation with. I’ve met someone new too.

    Next day, I went to work this morning and by just having to chat with my colleges more, I had this emotion where I get to actually smile and having some good banter. It’s was the best feeling at the moment and it’s been a long time where I had a chance to turn my mood around. They were also feeling grateful about how hard I work including the manager which is probably the most important. Then I got home and listened to a song called Sunshine Reggae by Laid Back, It was the icing on the cake.

    After weeks of suffering, I’ve managed to break my own curse! 

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,539 Community Veteran
    Hey :) so glad things are looking up for you! :) <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • Han93Han93 EnglandPosts: 311 The Mix Regular
    I'm so happy to hear you've been able to smile and have some fun this week :) 
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #13 (Sunday 15th March 2020)

    Finally, I started playing acoustic guitar for the first time in the first week of this month.

    So far, I've learned how to:
    • Play strings and frets
    • Fret positioning
    • Play different types of chords
    • Chord positioning and strumming
    • Understand guitar knowledge
    This is a new hobby for me as it would take a long time and a lot of courage in order to be actually good. Other than that, nothing spectacular.

    I could say that I went to a job fair where I met a careers advisor and signed up to seek guidance alongside her in order to get myself into a right direction.

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Posts: 1,085 Wise Owl
    Keep up the great work! 
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m dead England 🏠Posts: 11,363 An Original Mixlorian
    Keep up the great work! 
    ^ great youve learnt so much!
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    #14 (Thursday 26th March 2020)

    Had an argument yet again and saying the same thing as before, over and over and over again. It gets me humiliated and they still telling me to grow up because I kept making negative habits.

    Also people won't really care about me because they're mostly aimed at people who are active and well-known in the community. All I do is post whenever I feel low and people will just shrug it off and think that I always seek attention. It's okay I guess.

    My emotions had been a rollercoaster this year. 
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
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