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How I'm getting on at the moment.

_John_John Posts: 24 Cool Newbie
edited January 12 in Health & Wellbeing
Hello, It's been a while.

Just want to make this thread as my personal well-beings and goals, because I didn't realized it's a new decade which means it's now a possibility to turn my life around as I'm still crippled with mental health for years now.

I might try and have guts to make myself a diary out of this thread as time goes by. (Unless it intervenes towards the rules about the thread.)

Going to try and update this regularly whenever I log in, I have to be really determined to do this.

I hope this is okay for you everyone.

"Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu


  • _John_John Posts: 24 Cool Newbie
    edited January 12
    Starting with: # 1 (12th January 2020) - It's my first time that I've used a helpline and as soon as I called Samaritans I can tell myself that it's a beginning of a healing process and showing true honesty.

    The first thing I'm trying to do is to open up more, when I tried to speak to a volunteer about my mental health, I began to stutter and having this sort of short pauses.

    She told me that being open to others as well as distractions tends to offload most of the thoughts in my head. She even allows me to have more time to express myself.
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • AidanAidan Potato Posts: 1,358 Fanatical Poster
    It can be tough reaching out, so well done! Being open with your thought to others who want to help and finding good distractions can really help. I hope everything works out for you 😊
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 247 The Mix convert
    Hi @_John

    Keeping a thread/diary about your feelings sounds like a great idea. It's good to reflect - and we always be here if you need some support :smile:
  • _John_John Posts: 24 Cool Newbie
    #2 (14th January 2020) - After a few days of training, I started to realize that it's really different from what I used to work as I get into contact with members of staff and residents for most of the time.

    Later on, I'm getting to know other people more and they seem to be really friendly and supportive whenever I talk about my mental health which is really hard to open up. I'm glad that I spat it out so they know my personality and what I've been suffering emotionally.
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • Han93Han93 EnglandPosts: 168 The Mix convert
    Great to see you opening up @_John 

    Hope this is helping - we're all hear to listen and support you!
  • PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 152 Moderator
    Hey @_John this is such a great thread!

    It's so great that you built up the courage to speak to Samaritans and that they are helping you to open up more in your own time. It sounds like it has definitely been a big step in the right direction - well done <3 

    Please do keep us updated - we would love to hear how you get on :)
  • _John_John Posts: 24 Cool Newbie
    #3 (15th January 2020) - Whenever I kept myself busy, It was literally the best way to get distracted without having to dwell onto negative thoughts. Not even once.

    Recently, members of staff from the kitchen area are really pleased to see my hardwork as they knew that I'm quick at learning things by flexing onto different roles that I've never experienced. I hope I keep my emotions this way as I can get mood-swings anytime soon.

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • RileyRiley Posts: 378 Super Moderator
    It's wonderful to hear that keeping yourself distracted is helping you so much @_John it sounds like it's been really helpful! It's also really nice to hear that staff members have noticed how hard-working you are. I know a lot of people here on the boards rooting for you so hopefully you feel able to keep us all up to date with how you're doing so we can support you. :)
  • _John_John Posts: 24 Cool Newbie
    #4 (18th January 2020) - Probably my worst day of 2020 so far. Yep, I knew this was coming.

    A letter had come through this morning for my exam result, it's a GCSE English re-sit exam that I took last November.

    It's really sad to say that I've failed miserably for the 7th time as soon as I looked a Grade 3 on my results sheet and it's same grade over and over again out of all of my attempts.

    For a subject that isn't my first language and trying to pass since Year 11 in 2016 and still not enough, it's just pure effort and unenjoyable in doing the same questions and still didn't pass. I even spent most of my own time revising for weeks before my most recent exam as I was serious about it. It's just ridiculous.
    I've felt that I'm trying so hard to commit suicide since 2017 as in the way that if I've reached to a breaking point where I feel completely hopeless and overwhelmed and if I do it, I'll do it because I'm confident enough to do so. But as the same time, it would be so stupid and selfish since they have to deal with a loss of a loved one as I said earlier in my recent thread. 
    No wonder why I have no choice but to go on full time instead of continuing on college and university since I should be doing that, so what's the point of moving on where most jobs that I wanted requires at least a pass in English? Yeah I know some people would say to me like 'You can try again and it's not the end of the world', but still I've failed to a subject that I supposed to pass in school by now, this is bullshit.

    This isn't the only reason of why I'm feeling this way though. I have other issues too, mostly addiction in gaming since childhood that led me to being lonely for the most of my life since I don't have any reliable friends to get on with. I felt like I always blame myself for the hobbies that I enjoy and having to suffer for all my efforts in life that are going down the drain. Just feeling too hard and sorrow on myself right now and you can see why I'm trying my best so I can make my parents proud even though they put pressure on me and being judgmental all the time. What a waste. 

    I'll let you know later on. 😞

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
  • _John_John Posts: 24 Cool Newbie
    #5 (19th January 2020) - There is some occasions where I felt that I need to seek support in the way that if anyone is feeling sympathy for me or otherwise. So I've decided to call Samaritans again for the 4th time and out of all of the helpline calls, that one conversation that I had last night, was the one that I'll never forget. 
    I've spoken to a volunteer, who is a young woman and speaks fluent English. Suddenly, I was actually surprised that her accent is French as we continued our conversation. We got along really well, as it got to the point where I felt that it was worth it and told me that calling Samaritans was a right thing to do.

    Maybe I can say the same thing over again, but this time I've managed to speak up more about other reasons that got me into mental health as I struggled to socialise. Finally someone who understands my struggles throughout the years and sending me virtual hugs and wishing me to be her friend. This is because I kept making complements, which is very kind of her since she said to me in response that I was really nice and honest as a person.

    Everything she says about me and my plans for the future is really supportive and we've managed to discuss other topics for a little while, but there is one quote that she mentioned about my failed exam yesterday however, which had left me thinking ...

    "You've lost the battle, but not the war."
    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
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