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Feel like I'm giving up

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
edited August 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
I feel so bad. Having shit day. I don’t know how long can feel like this. My body is really dirty and have problems with pee cause of abuse but some Thoughts/ things  just can't tell anyone and I'm beyond it. It's feels taking over life and I'm so fed up now. I don’t know if can live that much longer like it, when part of life now & don't see things improving. It's hard to breath & can't eat & nonone cares and everyone's fed up & wishes I die already & i don’t know why I'm seeking help when I wanna die. I know I say same pathetic shit but it's the same pathetic shit that struggle with everyday cause don't improve & wont. & I kno I'm seeking too much support recently when Don't deserve it  My family dont care only pretend. I have no friends. No energy to even exist. Hate life and self. & no one could care less so dk why I'm still alive.  I'm sooo tired:'( & keep getting bad dreams. At what point do Thoughts of killing self get too much til you finally do it? I feel bad but safe
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
Post edited by Siena on

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    Hi @Shaunie, I'm sorry you're going through a hard time at the moment, it's good that you're posting, you're not seeking too much support it's what we're all here for  <3

    Have you thought about trying to do some breathing exercises or putting on some calm music to try and combat your breathing difficulties? I quite like listening to Alexandra Strelinkski to zone out, Plus Tôt is a favourite of mine  :) 

    With regards to food, what about eating small amounts like little bits of bread to get your started or skips that will dissolve on your tongue so you dont feel so much pressure in the action of chewing and eating so much straight away and then build up to something more substantial? 

    You always have us to talk to, remember you're brave, you're strong and you're not alone  <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thank you. Evelyn
     Nothings helping. I feel so agitated want to leave or to stop. I've literally been struggling to breath all day -how am I still alive / how haven't I just killed myself.  It's making me harm myself cause trying to distract myself & frustrated. It's so bad 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I just want to sleep. (Literally sleep not die) it's either cause of anxiety of toilets ect. Or I'm actually dying cause mindfulness ain't working . It's a pathetic life really.
     This seems like my life now and I'd rather not
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Everydays a shit day. Forgotten what it's like to wake up & not have that dreaded feeling & your first thoughts being about killing self 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Shaunie,

    You are doing so so well, i'm sorry that you are struggling it seems exhausting and isolating for you at the moment  <3

    It sounds difficult to wake up and have instant suicidal thoughts, do you think you could have a self care day and self soothe to try and calm yourself down a little bit?  :)

    Butterfly x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 146 Helping Hand
    Hi Shaunie, It must be really hard feeling that way everyday, a very disheartening feeling. It may not feel like it..but you are doing so well. You are doing well to keep being open and talking to us so we can support, to get out of bed, to see your dog. All these things take so much effort when you feel so low and to push through that is amazing ❤️
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2023
    Thank yous. My breathing is a lot better today. Which is weird considering have work so that's anxiety provoking. I don’t know but I still don't want to go to work cause omg hate it but I owe my family lot of money that don't have so have to ah 😭😭😭😭😭😭 wish i could have a self care day. 
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    We are all here for you Shaunie, and we all believe in you!  <3
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,065 Boards Champion
    Hey Shaunie,

    Sorry to hear you're not feeling great. Work on the basics (eating, keeping clean etc) as a start, if nothing else. I know it's hard, but it'll help, even if it doesn't feel like it. Hope you feel a little better soonx

    Much love <3
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thanks

    I'm feeling veryyyy bad :'( and having lots of bad thoughts of harming & dying but doing my best to share how I feel instead. 
    I'm going to ring my gp in the morning and ask if they do mental health urgent appointments - for the same day. - I think maybe unlikely.  If they do I'll be completly honest and it's unlikely they will help considering I ain't psychotic so I have mental capitcy to kill myself if no voices tell me to. My own voice tells me to :(. Then I'll take their word for it - knowing I know what's best for me and that's to die. Not like I plan to die if they can't help me - I just know that's how I'd feel/think it in my head. And I'll tell them how bad my breathing is & that I can't live like it & the meds don't help - they did say they could offer anxiety couselling for me if Carries on but I doubt that & I need help now not in a years time. And if they don't do mental health appointments for same day I'll just tell them that I can't breath properly and need to speak to someone today cause I don't want to breath at all cause not improving. But maybe no one can help me and then I will feel bad. & I'll ask the chance of having a fatty heart since the tests

    ......but whether i can ring them at 8am is all down to whether my dad will still be in his room at that time cause scared he would be able to hear.  And going to be pissed off if he doesn't wake up early. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 29 Boards Initiate
    You are so worth everything and if you ever want to talk there are so many people that would be willing to talk. Good luck with everything and I hope you feel better too  <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Was too scared to ring about my mental health. But I can't go another day without breathing properly so I have an appointment for 4:10 for my breathing 
    I swear I may cry if she tells me Is panic attacks & tell her how much affecting my day to day life and making me wanna die cause not improving & how bad my thoughts of dying are

    My eating is getting very bad from my breathing too. I woke up this morning feeling sick again and weak & throwing up water either because I haven't eaten much or the pill is randomly making me feel sick. I was still feeling sick after wards but I ate something and felt nearly back to normal after. So atleast I know that reason is not because of a fatty heart but because of lack of food. But now my breathing is worse which maybe means something physical with where the food goes but that's better than feeling sick. I can't tell if this is related to eating disorder or not/physical thing. I don't think I have an eating disorder anymore. I don't want to tell them about it affecting my eating though otherwise they'd start weighing & blood tests every week again which yeah way too annoying 

    Hope I got something serious and die. 
    havingn really bad thoughts of ways of harming myself. Life is never going to improve. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Omg I'm so fucking pissed off. My sister are wanting to eat breakfast out. I'm just saying I have no money to - they go like we will pay for you. I said I can't breath to get ready fast before then. Then they was like "ugh shut the fuck up about your breathing - I can't breath from your shitty breathing & strss , get ready". 😭😭😭😭😭wow they say some horrible comments that's one of the bad ones. But I think she knows it was bad cause now she being a bit nicer and joking about it. But I can tell she was seriously. I don't want to eat out. Ffs how I can I hide my food. 😭😭😭😭😭I'm going to like dying from not breathing after 😭😭😭😭😭

    [edited by moderator]
    Post edited by TheMix on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 40 Boards Initiate
    Hi Shaunie, the fact that you have booked an appointment with your Gp and you felt nervous about it tells me how strong you are because you're already doing things to take control of your condition. I know it might not seem like it now, but I think that you should remember how strong you are whenever you feel like your life won't improve because the fact that you have already booked an appointment tells me that you're building up confidence to overcome challenges. Im really proud of you for booking the appointment and im here if you ever need to talk xxx
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thank you

    they won't take me seriously then if seeking help. So then will def not improve cause feel stuck by myself. 

    Wanna die:(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 40 Boards Initiate
    How long have you been feeling as if you wanna die for, because I felt like that myself at some point.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Few years but tried everything now so reaching to point where no point to bother 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 40 Boards Initiate
    I think you definately need more support, have you been referred to CAMHs by anyone? 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Too old. But have been with them and with adults so they won't help me now cause used too much time & they give up. I don’t know what else to do other than die thought trying to get w job asPSW To distract myself but not possible now cause of something I'm too embarrassed to say which won't improve and paraniod about it & safe to not socialise for that long 😭😭so no way out. Plus no money  so no way out anymore. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 40 Boards Initiate
    I don't know if this would help, but you could write down a list of your strenghs so that you can remind yourself that you can find a way out. Like I've mentioned before, the fact that you're opening up to others tells me you can take action. I really hope you feel better soon and im rooting for you ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Well my gp cant help with my breathing anymore. Made me feel like wasting her time😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭no one gives a shit. Told me take propranolol cause it's anxiety. & can't do anything more for me. 😭😭😭😭can't fucking take it
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Wtf do i do now. I don't want to take propronaol I swear it makes it worse cause not anxiety. But I told them to check my iron levels again so will have more blood test
     blood tests that are in two weeks 😒😒😒

    felt like I was gunna cry. 

    No one really gives a fucking shit. I can't live not breathin. She said it doesn't have to be a panic attacks - although could be but it can be just constant anxiety that isn't a panic attack. Well that makes more sense than panic attacks. Then how do you sort constant anxiety. 

    I Honestly can't take it. It's awful and no one seems to fucking care 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I care, very much :heart: That must feel so frustrating and hopeless with your doctor today. It must be horrid to be going through the breathing thing you're describing.

    It sounds like you're in a really dark place right now, but I promise it will get better. Just wanted to send all my love and support :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. Trying mindfulness 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 1,084 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie, 

    Sending you some hugs, how are you doing with mindfullness? It's really positive that you are giving it ago, :heart:

    How you feeling today? 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Sending you big hugs shaunie 💓 let us know how you are 😊x
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