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Thinking about ending life

SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
edited June 2019 in Health & Wellbeing

im not in crisis and dont have plans. 

but i am here crying thinking about everything that has happened in my life, wondering if ive enjoyed anything. I havent and im wondering why im still carrying on & what for and i generally think i will kill myself by the end of the year cause i dont thhink ill last much longer than that, cant cope. & just feeling sorry for myself

And on other threads i said there is something really affecting me really badly but cant say cause shame. I told samaratians and took a lot and they ignored it and its really made me feel shit cause it took a lot. And maybe they didnt reply cause disgusting or becauss theres no way out of it. Probably both

i just know , That no one can hear me when say it. but i can see myself killing myself before year is over. Really dont see any reason to carry on. .

I hate myself

& no one understands, 
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2019
    I keep thinking theres certain things i need to do before i die. And cant tell if cause so serious about dying or its where my brain is saying "can you last another day or week ect."
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JamJarJamJar Posts: 274 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Shaunie

    Really sorry to hear how relentless your thoughts have been this week. Sounds like you are aware that you don't want to be thinking the way you are, but frustratingly there is nothing you can do to stop the self-destructive thoughts. 

    I know it's hard to understand why a symbol of support like Samaritans didn't reply to you, but there may have been other reasons why your message didn't get a response. In other words, don't let that one experience make you close yourself off from talking about what you feel like you really need to talk about. Is there anyone you live with or interact with on a regular basis that you might be able to talk to about this? 

    Finally, what sort of things are on your bucket list? It's refreshing to hear that you appreciate there may be differing reasons as to why you're thinking about accomplishing things while you're alive. Some might say that it shows you have an acute appreciation for how precious life really is. 

    Sending positive and supportive thoughts your way. You can definitely fight through this <3
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Hey thank you. @Jamjar But has been lotttt longer than a week ah :/
    and samaratians did reply but they asked a random question that wasnt to do with anything i said :(. And said "Since you started telling us about your feelings have you noticed any difference or changes in them?". So is said right now i feel like shit you ignored something that took me ages to press send

    But yeah their text service seems different to thei emails. Emails they seem to think more about their reply rather than some random question so maybe should of wrote it there. But dont wanna now

    But i have thought about writing a letter to them as maybe might feel better for writing things and they say can write as little or as much as want. Apperently writing it down rather than typing can help. But never done it because feels weird if going to show it to no one. 

    When i say "there are certain things i need to doing before dying" i didnt mean like the bucket sort aha. Dunno if can say. I dont want post to be too triggering 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JamJarJamJar Posts: 274 The Mix Regular
    It's interesting you talk about physically writing a letter being different to digitally writing an email. There have been quite a few studies that have shown handwriting a letter makes people think much more about what they really want to say. What's the harm in trying to write a letter? 

    Sorry I misunderstood about the 'certain things', I didn't mean to ask anything too personal :) 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2019
    I don’t know how im going to keep myself safe on the weekend tbh. 😭😭😭😭😭😭Ive had enough😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 my thoughts are sooooo bad😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭it actually hurts
    and this keeps happening

    (From different thread)
    Shaunie said:


    I have hardly slept because struggling to breath. If anxiety then i do know what i get anxious about. But not only cant i breath - i literally can not wee, even tho need to by time i go toilet i just physically cant. And pretty sure has been over 20 hours since last went
    So at like 6am i was like that is it : this is exactly what the abuse felt like - not being able to breath and being desprate to wee. Im a bit calmer mentally & from suicidal stuff but physically im still the same and well maybe anxiety as simailr happened few times but maybe something wrong because cant breath or wee and isnt that like an emergancy. 

    My stomach is hurting everywhere like really weird pain and chest feels very tight and keep feeling waves of feeling little bit sick,had chest xray yesterday was fine & v fast. Should have blood tests tomorrow


    No one has any fucking idea how my life is daily & tbh i feel fed up
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Pip wont award me anything because im fake and clearly fine just lAzy


    Omg it hurts so bad physically and mentally. Im trying to get out of bed but i just want to kill myself 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭(i am safe
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    davcr0ckdavcr0ck Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Shaunie said:
    Pip wont award me anything because im fake and clearly fine just lAzy


    Omg it hurts so bad physically and mentally. Im trying to get out of bed but i just want to kill myself 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭(i am safe
    Aww shaunie, I know the feeling about not being awarded your pip, it's sucks 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Not at work because i cant stop thinking about dying 

    but now im home alone. So i don’t know whats the point in that

    i asked samaratians to ring me and they did and she was nice and although i didnt say a lot im glad i answered it this time & i dont do phone calls so hard. &  feel bad incase she was annoyed with how little i was speaking :/

    but she could see my emails i have sent so she knew im already disgusting and what am struggling with rn
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2019
    Omg ive actually spoke to samaritans over the phone three times today. And they have all lasted about 50-60 mins. Ive like literally only spoke to a helpline once or twice before for about 20 mins so is big deal


    theyre very nice on phone and think only one id have phone call with because of their confidenality. 

    And its suprising on how much they do care on like supporting when feel unsafe, in a different way. But not told what to do

    It felt a tiny bit easier to speak once got to third phone call. But some things i still phsyically couldnt say myself or i had to go round it becaue of certain words are harder to say out loud

    maybe when am distress i could use it as a form of support, feels a lot easier if they ring and they already know a bit. After every phone call they arranged for next one with me but didnt this time cause  said i would email 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    davcr0ckdavcr0ck Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Shaunie said:
    Omg ive actually spoke to samaritans over the phone three times today. And they have all lasted about 50-60 mins. Ive like literally only spoke to a helpline once or twice before for about 20 mins so is big deal


    theyre very nice on phone and think only one id have phone call with because of their confidenality. 

    And its suprising on how much they do care on like supporting when feel unsafe, in a different way. But not told what to do

    It felt a tiny bit easier to speak once got to third phone call. But some things i still phsyically couldnt say myself or i had to go round it becaue of certain words are harder to say out loud

    maybe when am distress i could use it as a form of support, feels a lot easier if they ring and they already know a bit. After every phone call they arranged for next one with me but didnt this time cause  said i would email 
    Aww thats great news @Shaunie well done for overcoming that anxiety of phoning them,
    Really proud of you and sending hugs and love 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    Hey @Shaunie, how are you feeling today? 

    Just wanted to echo what @davcr0ck said and say that I'm really proud of you for speaking to Samaritans on the phone three times yesterday. Phone calls can be really difficult, particularly when there are things that are harder to say out loud. It's really great you found a way to make the phone call a bit easier for you. It sounds like they were really supportive and you found their approach helpful. 

    maybe when am distress i could use it as a form of support, feels a lot easier if they ring and they already know a bit. After every phone call they arranged for next one with me but didnt this time cause  said i would email 

    This is really positive to hear. What did you find most helpful about their support?

    Hope you're feeling a little better today <3

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2019
    Thank you @Aife & @davcr0ck
    <3

    I feel a bit better now ive finished work. And glad didnt call in sick today caus need money. But still feeling really shit & physically really shit. 

    Their support was nice. Like once or twice of using a helpline and i can remember clearly all they would say is " we are a listening service so if you dont feel like speaking now you can ring back" which yeah maybe fair enough. But i did speak abit but when they say "okay" or literally no reply then i cant speak to a brick wal lol

    And all the three people i spoke to yesterday was pretty comfortable in silence & made me feel calmer and more safe even just in silence. And they didnt start the convo like they was about to finish it

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Im sorry but im feeling very bad

    PTW

    Hoping this is okay cause Im safe right now, dont have plans or in crisis right now but i feel like i should die and feel like in really giving up. Tbh i wanted to be dead on the weekend but i seeked help which now realising was stupid. I was thinking the whole time " its a great time to do it- youll regret not doing it". Now i really do regret not killing myself and dont know why im alive cause i feel very awful and my life wont improve. I really dont want to be here 😭😭😭😭😭
    feel like i should now stop seekig helping in crisis and just do it already 
    feel like i cant be bothered anymore, having really bad anxiety over peeing & its pathetic. And my stomach &  vagina hurt so bad tbh and feel very out of breath and tired of it all its even affecting my eyes i think. And i cant think about the future much. I dont even want to go to graduation for my peer supoort training. Im too disgusting to support anyone and not fair. 

    Life can be great for some but clearly not everyone & i think ive just been waiting for a sudden miricale but wont happen. Its sad but i think not fitted for world and sooner i die the better, i just really hate myself and want to harm myself badly to die  mostly my body is very horrible. I dont want to die, but i dont want to live, id rather be alive and happy but its not going to happen & sometimes have to make scarafices

    I keep closing my eyes & imagining what death is like & i think its literally a black screen & its kinda peaceful to do. Like a sleep but without dreams. Sounds easier & more peaceful than life


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
     in crisis now tbh😭😭😭
    feel very sick & sad & want to be dead but no one will take me seriously cause said too many times but still alive so no point
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    No one cares anymore think im past caring and getting less scared of pain of deat
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Ed_Ed_ Moderator Posts: 1,551 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Shaunie

    Sounds like the past few days have been pretty tough and it's been particularly bad this morning. You've done really well to reach out and share how you've been feeling.

    It shouldn't be that services won't take you seriously because you've been in this place before. Has this been something that has happened for you? The reason why there are services like ours and the Samaritans is because people recognise that mental health isn't something that comes tied up in a neat little box where things only happen once and then never again. 

    Particularly when we think about when it reaches a crisis point, it's to be expected that these feelings may be quite unpredictable and come and go over a period of time. Whilst some services may have certain limits, these are usually decided around whether they feel the service is best placed to provide support in that instance, not that people don't deserve support. 

    You did really well to call the Samaritans towards the end of last week, do you think that is something that may help you today? They are designed as a service that will listen without judgement if you need someone to talk to, you can reach them on 116 123.

    Likewise, there are other options that can provide help in a crisis:
    • Our Crisis Messenger: Text TheMix to 85258 to speak to someone at any time of the day.
    • 999 - if you feel in immediate danger, the emergency services are there for you.
    • Your GP - they may be able to provide support through a referral to crisis services.
    • 111 - they may be able to signpost you to local services in your area that can provide support in a crisis.
    I am also keen to respond to some of what you put in your previous message, but will put in a spoiler so that the crisis information isn't distracted from: 

    You truly deserve to have the support and compassion in place to find that happiness that you look for. In life, there is rarely a sudden fix that will change things instantly, but with the right support over time, things can start to get better. You've gone through a traumatic experience, from which recovery can take time. This doesn't make you disgusting or pathetic, you didn't choose for this to happen. That will always be on him. As ever, I defer to @Mike to say what I want to be saying in a much clearer way:

    "You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us."

    With the graduation, it's your choice whether you do end up going or not, but it's important to remember that this is a big achievement. If you look back over your threads way back when you were applying, you were certain they wouldn't want you, yet they did. You didn't think you'd manage the stress of going to training face to face, yet you did. You didn't think you'd pass the course, yet you did. You are stronger than you think Shaunie, and I hope that you can give yourself some credit for working hard to meet this goal. :3

    Take care and stay strong <3

    Ed
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.

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    alice123alice123 Posts: 88 Budding Regular
    Hi @Shaunie

    I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. 

    I just wanted to reassure you that we do care and we are here for you. I know how it feels to believe that things cannot get better but that simply isn't true. You said that a miracle won't happen, but it doesn't need to. You just need to know that gradually and over time, you can get better.

    Please remember that just a couple of days ago you overcame such a huge hurdle by calling the Samaritans - you deserve to be so proud of yourself for that. Perhaps you should try calling them again today? 

    Stay safe <3
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Thank you @Ed_ and @alice123  <3

    i feel like i can think tiny bit clearer now. 
    I just feel so physically shit as well as mentally and finding it so hard to breath today:(((

    samaritans said theyd try to ring me before 2:30. Feel such a coward

    I start seeing rape crisis in about 2 weeks but feels like ages away.But then wondering how can help if its only every 2 weeks will take ages And think sometimes i think am not disgusting but then i get confused on if lying to myself so need reassarance from others so does help ah. Should of seeked help for it ages ago. 

    and yeah @Ed i remember now ah & am thinking about all the classes & its something i actually really enjoyed even tho was hard but interesting. Lots of people from the corse are in jobs rn  but then there me lol whos gone back to feel shit & still some jobs on post but need to drive so stuck & pointless. 

    Sometimes i picture a life i would like. A job a family ect. And then i think that sounds great then i think you could you sttil feel like actual shit no matter what. Then i think about my challenges that some i feel never get over and not improve then realise i will feel sad forever and that i would give up before natural death so why wait if thats whats going to happen anyway. But yeah clearly a coward 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Swear no one actually does give a shit. 😭😭😭😭Samaritans didnt ring.  Then said late at night do i still want a phone call. Um no ive self harm and probably need to go to hospital but who gives a shit (clearly dontneed to go to hospital cause i think is fine now actually). So then i asked them to ring me today but they just keep ignoring it and asking random questions so whats the point.  😭😭😭😭😭😭

    but i have beentrying to use what i learnt in my peer supoort worker training to supoort myself. By thinking what would say to someone else or use things i learn. we did how we could support a peer to think about their negative self talk. From negative to neutral to postive. And how negative is bad one. But neutral is okay self talk as dont have to always be positive and positive is good. So i thought about chaning my self talk. So negative is "peeing is the most disgusting act because is what he made you do and now youre dirty for having to do the act a few times a day". Then neutral maybe "what happened was disgusting, peeing is not disgusting". Positive would be "youre clean and not the person who did wrong because peeing is a natural thing everyone does so could of happened to anyone".
    But im still in negative :(.

    And Feel like im forcing people to speak to me by either saying a lot so people have to reply or because when suicidal people feel they have to reply


     and now im home alone again and swear i cant cope😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    StephanieStephanie Moderator Posts: 1,084 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie,,

    Sending hugs, we care about you and are here for you :heart:

    Is there anybody who could come keep you company so your not alone today?

    We are here if you want to talk :heart
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    I feel too out of breath and weak to do much cause keep crying too. 
    it took forever to have a shower. I dont want to die without make up on and my bedroom a mess. But im too tired & out of breath that feel really hard and i just want to stay in bed. So guess i am safe but my mind thoughts arent

    Fml why was i ever born
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    I feel bad when i post again and my thread goes to the top as i dont want to feel am spamming 

    but Am getting good at speaking on phone now. I rang samaritans by myself and they didnt ring me. And it took a few tries til i spoke but did it and i spoke about like things affecting me which are embarrassing that are affecting me like peeing but she was really nice and empathatic 

    Feel bit better
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    I think i might ring my gp tomorrow finally about my mental health because i feel done & only thing to try. They wont be able to help tho. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,874 Extreme Poster
    Shaunie said:
    I think i might ring my gp tomorrow finally about my mental health because i feel done & only thing to try. They wont be able to help tho. 
    Thinking of you xxx
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you jelly! <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Im too scared to see my gp. I feel they cant help & would make me feel more shit but am getting sooo suicidal

    I dont feel well. I took laxatives, now i feel triggered ive lost weight - for when i used to abuse them for different reason(to lose weight) 
    i feel my body is a bit more clean and less "dirty" though

    & i feel am annoying to say same things all the time but am just sad & suicidal
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    I don’t know why havent considered it before, probably havent been told much about it. But i might try the samaritains branch. They have one where i live and was asking them on text about it and can just go in there and speak to someone on 121. Never tried it.  Theyre not open now cause i think they close at 4 everyday. But may try at some point & just posting so i rememeber it more
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JordanJordan Moderator Posts: 343 The Mix Regular
    Great idea to set yourself a reminder to contact the Samaritans @Shaunie. I think you can find out more info on your local branch here.

    I know you said earlier you feel like you are annoying by saying the same things, I hope you know no one is annoyed by you seeking support here. Recognising you need help and then reaching out takes great courage and everyone here at The Mix is here to support you.
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Shaunie,

    Well done for contacting the Samaritans it is a really brave thing to do <3 

    In terms of visiting your local branch, I think it may be a good idea. its something I have done before and found it really welcoming and supportive :) 

    Hope it goes well for you, and keep talking to us and let us know how you are doing today <3

    Butterfly x
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Thank you butterfly and jordan 

    im really struggling to breath and i had dream i was being suffocated. Now i cant get his face out of my head. So i have been reading messages of where he admited forcing sexual acts and i feel reading it helps me sometimes. Only the part he admitted. The rest not. 

    edit deleted most of this cause felt borderline against the rules
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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