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Really unsafe

ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
edited April 2019 in Home, Law & Money
So basically really concerned about my mum. She clearly has OCD & a hoarder. For 17 years of my life was really neglected in house because the conditions got so bad the celling started to fall through & couldnt bath. There is clutter every where & barely can move. We all moved out but my mum still lives there. 

anyway last night had massiveee convo with my mum and my sister til like 1am about how concerned i am.  I have been more concerned since my MH awareness corse about saying how unsafe haording is. I knew it before but she evn has leaks in the house. So even more dangerious. After my session with MH i asked the woman for advice(she also works in housing so felt right) she said she will ask her training people and get back t me tomorrow. - my last MH awareness thing. 

But what is even more horrible is i was trying to help my mum all last might to see she has a problem that really needs sorting otherwise she will die there and not nice way to live either

....she called me a bitch bout 10times &  said if i was to ever get her help that she would make me look so bad because she has a heart condition & she said if i out stress on her & she dies from it i would be to blame & she said she feels stressed now. So if she suddenly dies it would be my fault. I was trying to help :(😭😭😭😭

i got her to partly admit she has OCD. (She counts stuff when doing something. Obsessed with cleaning one thing but ignores everything else) Yet she would not admit to hoardering. Which idk how... & hoarderin is ocd thing. Dk if she is deluded or indenial. I would tell her about how dangerous the way she lives about how easy something could set on fire & because have lots of things it would go through the house fast and would even be able to get out quick enough with clutter in the way. She refused to admit the dangerious stuff and would talk about fat people or how she isnt a cat woman. Or talk about different counties or in the old days. And compared to worst. I said anout how self neglect not even wanting to shower & stuff is a problem in its self. 

she just basically said load of irrelevent stuff & was weird  and would bring it on to someone else and even said i could end up being a prostitue...i just dont get her. And i told her how my dad does everything for her ... buys her food pays for two house ect and thats massive stress and cant afford two house holds forever when he only works one job. Its just going to end badly either way 

Anyway my sister didnt say as much as me but my sister also didnt realise how dangerious it is. So i thought my sister would never want to get her help & didnt care about her cause she is always angry to her about how we used to live and just hates her and ashamed cause used to live there too cause cant get her help. But yesterday my sister kinda started to say we need to get her help. Because she could literally die in there from the housing situation and we would be really guilty. And said need to speak to dad. 

Swear she needs to be sectioned or something 


and i dont think anyone cares about this cause no one replying to my other thread so made new one lol. Dont need to reply either. Just last night was horrible



“If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
Kathleen07

Comments

  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,475 Mega Poster
    edited April 2019
    Hey @Shaunie Sounds like a really tough night . It’s hard when you really want to help someone but they either don’t want the help you can’t see that they need it .

    I think for a lot of hoarders they can’t see that anything’s wrong or they don’t want to admit anything’s wrong in fear that they will have to d’écourter becuase I think I remember reading somewhere that each item or collection of items that they hoard they have a significance to them .

    The information page on the Mind website I found said that 
    feel very upset or anxious at the thought of throwing or giving things away
    So it might be she’s getting very defensive and saying all those hurtful things becuase she scared at the thought of having to declutter ? 

    Heres some links to a few pages about it incase you wanted to have a read 💜

    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/#.XKSKhaTTWEc

    https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/hoarding-disorder/

    https://iocdf.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Hoarding-Fact-Sheet.pdf

    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,897 Postholic
    Hey <3

    I'm sorry to read this. This does sound really problematic, and it must be difficult for you. I can hear your concern and don't blame you for it:(

    Maybe she's in denial and/or feels guilty, or something. But it wasn't right for her to say those things to you. It would definitely not be your fault if she died from her heart condition, nor do I really think she will if you get her the help she sounds like she needs (and of course, you're not a bitch). It's really good of you to try to help and get her to realise this is dangerous  - I guess it was pretty distressing when she wouldn't listen?

    It's totally understandable that last night was horrible for you <3

    How do you feel about getting her help? Do you think it would be worth it?

    I hope getting this off your chest was helpful to you.

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited April 2019
    Hey
    @kathleen0172 and @Millie2787

    thank you for help. <3
    i feel like maybe she is beyond help dk but i felt i didnt get very far yesterday & was really frustrating

    The Mind site you sent Millie. Definetly relate to it. Apart of it said :

    My mum sleeps on a small patch of her sofa. I don't know the last time she slept in a bed, but it has been several years.

     This is exactly my mum. She has no bed. When i lived there i slept in the room that was the least cluttered .... slept there with my dad and my sister and it had wardrobes in it , stuff from when i was a baby, a cot and no privicay or room and was horrible - reminded her of that - she said "the house was small, atleast im not a druggy and you wasnt borned disformed" ..... 

    i really do hope the person from the mental health corse has some advice. I was hoping that maybe away to report her house annoymously but now i am not sure would be a good idea since it wouldnt be annoymous since our massive convo my mum would know. If my family- dad ect was more willing to help then that would help but theyre not really. My Dad is obsessed with her. Should of left her years ago tbh and let her defend for herself but he has weird thing with her and does whatever makes her happy even if makes his own kids distressed and my my is happy living like that so my dad is happy for her and weirdddd. 

    There so many things wrong with house that cant afford to fix it and going to either burn down or colapse - from the leaks and things going wrong but no one fixing- so seems no way to help situation
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Millie2787Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited April 2019
    And also forgot the say her hygiene is really horrible too and i am pretty sure if i was to go live in there now - would not be used to the chemical in there and would be so ill. ---there is mold everywhere- damp everywhere - barely anything is clean expect she is obsessed with cleaning her hands. and she says she is always unwell ... blames her heart condition... it is probably her environment. 

    And when i lived there .... this is gunna sound disgusting but there was only one toilet and it didnt work properly that also start to leak or something and yeah basicaly is was very awful in hygiene wise and what have to do for a basic thing we take for granted now - would be horrible when lived there. 

    So the mental health awareness thing triggered me a lot too. Cause ive realise ive tended to block that whole life out of my head and is weird cause my sister said she did too so she found it distressing speaking out it too feel bad about that too
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    But i did try to keep myself clean - so it wasnt obvious at school and wasnt like the dirty kid or anything. I would use kettles and a bowl to stay clean and thats how i would wash my clothes too. But my mum definelty doesnt do that. She smells horrible 🤢

    wish i never went to mental health awareness corse. Jusy brought up load of shit tbh
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,897 Postholic
    Aw, I'm sorry the mental health awareness triggered you and brought bad stuff up:(

    Totally get how you'd block that life out. Trying to forget or block out something traumatic or very stressful is a pretty normal reaction - when my other guinea pig passed away I tried (not saying it's similar at all). Do you think long-term, you/your sister would benefit from trying to let yourself remember and process it, or has blocking it out not caused any problems? Having it brought back up is definitely not a nice experience, and must be upsetting on a lot of levels for you <3
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited April 2019
    I wish i could block out sexual abuse :(.

    I thought maybe need to process it but dont feel like it affects me much now im not living there and if anything im more grateful of things like a shower. And i guess is easier cause its only the thing i do speak to my sister about since went through exact same and not alone with it unlike sexual abuse. So we do speak about it randomly but rarely soemtimes and guess dont compeltly block it out. Sometimes we go past the house since she lives about 5 min walk away and we go past it and my sister always says something like "isnt it weird we used to live like that - thought i was never going to stay there my whole life" and then we speak about things improving and that things dont last forever and guess we see thw postive side of it aha. 

    But since reading my discharge letter i do think maybe it did affect me in sense of self worth - feeling like dont deserve the care and stuff like that and MH professional used to say my eating disorder is from it but i think its from child abuse but it probs affects me as i feel i am suc an attention seeker now loollll trying to catch up on all the attention i should of had aha 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    Kathleen07
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited April 2019
    Saw the lady from MH awareness who i asked about my mum. She said is away you can do it annoymously and i told her about my convo/arguement with my mum so she would kno it was me if did it annoymous.
     And she said a number to rind 

    and i have the number from the teacher of my mental health awareness and she said she could meet up with me at her base and ring it together. Which yeah how nice is that

    but i don’t know am scared
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • MaisyMaisy The Mix convert CymruPosts: 238 Moderator
    Hey @Shaunie

    Sorry I haven't been around much but it's good that you are keeping us updated about the situation with your mum's hoarding. It's really impressive that you took the leap and talked to a mental health professional about this. It would be good if you could anonymously get help for your mum. I can imagine how scary it must be but you've done well getting to this point. We're all here for you and if you're still scared I imagine you can still have a chat with the teacher from mental health awareness about what to expect and how you feel etc. 

    Take care <3 
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited February 12
    I have emailed my local adult social care last night. They have been replying to me this morning. 

    This is mostly what they have said




    I have ended up giving them her address and i am shitting my self. But said to remain annoymous
     didn't give name or phone number. As i want it to look like someone who walked by had rang them

    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    They keep asking for her name and age and i dont want to say it because will know its one of us if they know her name
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    For fuck sake. They cant help unless i gave them her name. Wtf
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    They can. Just they didnt see i sent the adress cause two people are replying to the emails. Theyre sending the details to the housing promgrame team

    im scared
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • KaiKai Posts: 222 The Mix convert
    Hey Shaunie sorry you are going through this. It's been a few days since you posted, have they managed to help your mum in any way? 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    edited February 17
    Heyy

    i havent heard much gave in emails. But my dad just went round to give my mum some food and my mum said that someone was knocking on her door and then on the window and i acted shocked and my heart sank and got scared.  im guessning its them cause no ones knocks. But i don’t know why they havent emailed me i asked them to email. if they go there. Gunna email them again

    edit - they  have sent me an email to say to ring them when i am away from my family
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 694 Incredible Poster
    Hi Shaunie

    Really lovely that you’ve reached out to get your mum help and understandable that it sounds like you’re feeling nervous about it all, given how your mum has reacted when you’ve spoken to her about it. It really sounds like you’re doing the right thing for her 💜 and good to keep it all anon if you can. 

    Let us know how you get on when you speak to them, fingers crossed they can at least speak with her.
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder
    Heyy

    i had a phone call with one of the people from the housing team today. 

    Mostly talking about how to see the properity. And it wasnt them who knocked on her door. They said its hard because if they go and knock on the door she either wouldnt answer or would turn them away and need a way to get into the house. And more likely wont let a stranger in. 
    Then started asking me to try to get my family on my side of getting her help and thats hard when they wont. And started talking about making a note to her gp about the unstable house to ask her about it when she goes there. Which would be proper awkward. But i havent given them her name. They knew her name but looking at the adress so they can get al that info without me telling them (basically cause wanting it to look like a stranger reported her)
    And was asking if i could speak to my dad about grants the counsell can give and what not
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,344 The Mix Elder

    I tried to speak to my dad about the house and stuff. But he said "i dont want to speak about it, the house isnt my concern anymore and thinking about it makes me depressed". 

    I sent this to the housing team and they said. 

    "Dont worry, I am going to do a couple of attempts to visit the property, hopefully next week.

    Can you suggest any better days of the week or times of the day to try to catch her? If not, no problem I'll see how I get on."
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
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