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Really unsafe

ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
edited April 2019 in Home, Law & Money
So basically really concerned about my mum. She clearly has OCD & a hoarder. For 17 years of my life was really neglected in house because the conditions got so bad the celling started to fall through & couldnt bath. There is clutter every where & barely can move. We all moved out but my mum still lives there. 

anyway last night had massiveee convo with my mum and my sister til like 1am about how concerned i am.  I have been more concerned since my MH awareness corse about saying how unsafe haording is. I knew it before but she evn has leaks in the house. So even more dangerious. After my session with MH i asked the woman for advice(she also works in housing so felt right) she said she will ask her training people and get back t me tomorrow. - my last MH awareness thing. 

But what is even more horrible is i was trying to help my mum all last might to see she has a problem that really needs sorting otherwise she will die there and not nice way to live either

....she called me a bitch bout 10times &  said if i was to ever get her help that she would make me look so bad because she has a heart condition & she said if i out stress on her & she dies from it i would be to blame & she said she feels stressed now. So if she suddenly dies it would be my fault. I was trying to help :(😭😭😭😭

i got her to partly admit she has OCD. (She counts stuff when doing something. Obsessed with cleaning one thing but ignores everything else) Yet she would not admit to hoardering. Which idk how... & hoarderin is ocd thing. Dk if she is deluded or indenial. I would tell her about how dangerous the way she lives about how easy something could set on fire & because have lots of things it would go through the house fast and would even be able to get out quick enough with clutter in the way. She refused to admit the dangerious stuff and would talk about fat people or how she isnt a cat woman. Or talk about different counties or in the old days. And compared to worst. I said anout how self neglect not even wanting to shower & stuff is a problem in its self. 

she just basically said load of irrelevent stuff & was weird  and would bring it on to someone else and even said i could end up being a prostitue...i just dont get her. And i told her how my dad does everything for her ... buys her food pays for two house ect and thats massive stress and cant afford two house holds forever when he only works one job. Its just going to end badly either way 

Anyway my sister didnt say as much as me but my sister also didnt realise how dangerious it is. So i thought my sister would never want to get her help & didnt care about her cause she is always angry to her about how we used to live and just hates her and ashamed cause used to live there too cause cant get her help. But yesterday my sister kinda started to say we need to get her help. Because she could literally die in there from the housing situation and we would be really guilty. And said need to speak to dad. 

Swear she needs to be sectioned or something 

and i dont think anyone cares about this cause no one replying to my other thread so made new one lol. Dont need to reply either. Just last night was horrible

if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it


  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,156 Boards Guru
    edited April 2019
    Hey @Shaunie Sounds like a really tough night . It’s hard when you really want to help someone but they either don’t want the help you can’t see that they need it .

    I think for a lot of hoarders they can’t see that anything’s wrong or they don’t want to admit anything’s wrong in fear that they will have to d’écourter becuase I think I remember reading somewhere that each item or collection of items that they hoard they have a significance to them .

    The information page on the Mind website I found said that 
    feel very upset or anxious at the thought of throwing or giving things away
    So it might be she’s getting very defensive and saying all those hurtful things becuase she scared at the thought of having to declutter ? 

    Heres some links to a few pages about it incase you wanted to have a read 💜




    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Hey <3

    I'm sorry to read this. This does sound really problematic, and it must be difficult for you. I can hear your concern and don't blame you for it:(

    Maybe she's in denial and/or feels guilty, or something. But it wasn't right for her to say those things to you. It would definitely not be your fault if she died from her heart condition, nor do I really think she will if you get her the help she sounds like she needs (and of course, you're not a bitch). It's really good of you to try to help and get her to realise this is dangerous  - I guess it was pretty distressing when she wouldn't listen?

    It's totally understandable that last night was horrible for you <3

    How do you feel about getting her help? Do you think it would be worth it?

    I hope getting this off your chest was helpful to you.

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    edited April 2019
    @kathleen0172 and @Millie2787

    thank you for help. <3
    i feel like maybe she is beyond help dk but i felt i didnt get very far yesterday & was really frustrating

    The Mind site you sent Millie. Definetly relate to it. Apart of it said :

    My mum sleeps on a small patch of her sofa. I don't know the last time she slept in a bed, but it has been several years.

     This is exactly my mum. She has no bed. When i lived there i slept in the room that was the least cluttered .... slept there with my dad and my sister and it had wardrobes in it , stuff from when i was a baby, a cot and no privicay or room and was horrible - reminded her of that - she said "the house was small, atleast im not a druggy and you wasnt borned disformed" ..... 

    i really do hope the person from the mental health corse has some advice. I was hoping that maybe away to report her house annoymously but now i am not sure would be a good idea since it wouldnt be annoymous since our massive convo my mum would know. If my family- dad ect was more willing to help then that would help but theyre not really. My Dad is obsessed with her. Should of left her years ago tbh and let her defend for herself but he has weird thing with her and does whatever makes her happy even if makes his own kids distressed and my my is happy living like that so my dad is happy for her and weirdddd. 

    There so many things wrong with house that cant afford to fix it and going to either burn down or colapse - from the leaks and things going wrong but no one fixing- so seems no way to help situation
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    edited April 2019
    And also forgot the say her hygiene is really horrible too and i am pretty sure if i was to go live in there now - would not be used to the chemical in there and would be so ill. ---there is mold everywhere- damp everywhere - barely anything is clean expect she is obsessed with cleaning her hands. and she says she is always unwell ... blames her heart condition... it is probably her environment. 

    And when i lived there .... this is gunna sound disgusting but there was only one toilet and it didnt work properly that also start to leak or something and yeah basicaly is was very awful in hygiene wise and what have to do for a basic thing we take for granted now - would be horrible when lived there. 

    So the mental health awareness thing triggered me a lot too. Cause ive realise ive tended to block that whole life out of my head and is weird cause my sister said she did too so she found it distressing speaking out it too feel bad about that too
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    But i did try to keep myself clean - so it wasnt obvious at school and wasnt like the dirty kid or anything. I would use kettles and a bowl to stay clean and thats how i would wash my clothes too. But my mum definelty doesnt do that. She smells horrible 🤢

    wish i never went to mental health awareness corse. Jusy brought up load of shit tbh
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Aw, I'm sorry the mental health awareness triggered you and brought bad stuff up:(

    Totally get how you'd block that life out. Trying to forget or block out something traumatic or very stressful is a pretty normal reaction - when my other guinea pig passed away I tried (not saying it's similar at all). Do you think long-term, you/your sister would benefit from trying to let yourself remember and process it, or has blocking it out not caused any problems? Having it brought back up is definitely not a nice experience, and must be upsetting on a lot of levels for you <3
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    edited April 2019
    I wish i could block out sexual abuse :(.

    I thought maybe need to process it but dont feel like it affects me much now im not living there and if anything im more grateful of things like a shower. And i guess is easier cause its only the thing i do speak to my sister about since went through exact same and not alone with it unlike sexual abuse. So we do speak about it randomly but rarely soemtimes and guess dont compeltly block it out. Sometimes we go past the house since she lives about 5 min walk away and we go past it and my sister always says something like "isnt it weird we used to live like that - thought i was never going to stay there my whole life" and then we speak about things improving and that things dont last forever and guess we see thw postive side of it aha. 

    But since reading my discharge letter i do think maybe it did affect me in sense of self worth - feeling like dont deserve the care and stuff like that and MH professional used to say my eating disorder is from it but i think its from child abuse but it probs affects me as i feel i am suc an attention seeker now loollll trying to catch up on all the attention i should of had aha 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    edited April 2019
    Saw the lady from MH awareness who i asked about my mum. She said is away you can do it annoymously and i told her about my convo/arguement with my mum so she would kno it was me if did it annoymous.
     And she said a number to rind 

    and i have the number from the teacher of my mental health awareness and she said she could meet up with me at her base and ring it together. Which yeah how nice is that

    but i don’t know am scared
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • MaisyMaisy The Mix convert CymruPosts: 278 Moderator
    Hey @Shaunie

    Sorry I haven't been around much but it's good that you are keeping us updated about the situation with your mum's hoarding. It's really impressive that you took the leap and talked to a mental health professional about this. It would be good if you could anonymously get help for your mum. I can imagine how scary it must be but you've done well getting to this point. We're all here for you and if you're still scared I imagine you can still have a chat with the teacher from mental health awareness about what to expect and how you feel etc. 

    Take care <3 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    edited February 12
    I have emailed my local adult social care last night. They have been replying to me this morning. 

    This is mostly what they have said

    I have ended up giving them her address and i am shitting my self. But said to remain annoymous
     didn't give name or phone number. As i want it to look like someone who walked by had rang them

    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    They keep asking for her name and age and i dont want to say it because will know its one of us if they know her name
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    For fuck sake. They cant help unless i gave them her name. Wtf
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    They can. Just they didnt see i sent the adress cause two people are replying to the emails. Theyre sending the details to the housing promgrame team

    im scared
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • KaiKai Noob Posts: 231 Trailblazer
    Hey Shaunie sorry you are going through this. It's been a few days since you posted, have they managed to help your mum in any way? 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    edited February 17

    i havent heard much gave in emails. But my dad just went round to give my mum some food and my mum said that someone was knocking on her door and then on the window and i acted shocked and my heart sank and got scared.  im guessning its them cause no ones knocks. But i don’t know why they havent emailed me i asked them to email. if they go there. Gunna email them again

    edit - they  have sent me an email to say to ring them when i am away from my family
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 782 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi Shaunie

    Really lovely that you’ve reached out to get your mum help and understandable that it sounds like you’re feeling nervous about it all, given how your mum has reacted when you’ve spoken to her about it. It really sounds like you’re doing the right thing for her 💜 and good to keep it all anon if you can. 

    Let us know how you get on when you speak to them, fingers crossed they can at least speak with her.
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster

    i had a phone call with one of the people from the housing team today. 

    Mostly talking about how to see the properity. And it wasnt them who knocked on her door. They said its hard because if they go and knock on the door she either wouldnt answer or would turn them away and need a way to get into the house. And more likely wont let a stranger in. 
    Then started asking me to try to get my family on my side of getting her help and thats hard when they wont. And started talking about making a note to her gp about the unstable house to ask her about it when she goes there. Which would be proper awkward. But i havent given them her name. They knew her name but looking at the adress so they can get al that info without me telling them (basically cause wanting it to look like a stranger reported her)
    And was asking if i could speak to my dad about grants the counsell can give and what not
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster

    I tried to speak to my dad about the house and stuff. But he said "i dont want to speak about it, the house isnt my concern anymore and thinking about it makes me depressed". 

    I sent this to the housing team and they said. 

    "Dont worry, I am going to do a couple of attempts to visit the property, hopefully next week.

    Can you suggest any better days of the week or times of the day to try to catch her? If not, no problem I'll see how I get on."
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    So theyre suppose to try to go to the house this week. 

    I was speaking to my sisters about her. And apperently she came from a middle class family. And still has loads of money and can afford it but clearly something wrong with her
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 782 Part of The Mix Family
    That’s good that they can just drop in a couple different days to see whether she’ll open the door / be in. Fingers crossed they are able to get through to her! Let us know when you hear from them again? 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    Ill just update this by coping my messages with the housing team cause quicker 
    hopefully im allowed to copy other peoples emails. If not please delete this post. 

    "Hello Shevaun, 

    I went out on Wednesday last week with a woman called ---- from our office. We managed to catch your mum in the back garden where she was looking at the damage to the fence.
    I explained that someone had called in to the council about the fence falling down and that was the reason I was there.

    She was a bit nervous about talking with us but she did stay talking for 10 or 15 mins. She mentioned a tree behind the house that shes worried about and I said I'd look into that for her. 
    She also said that some new fence panels were being bought to fix the fence so I said I'd call back to check it had been done.

    I ran through some of the other things that we can help people with around the house etc... and said we'd leave her to think about that. She took a sheet of paper with our names and numbers and I told her I'd be off on annual leave this week. I'll try to catch back up with her next week and see what help she might be willing to take.

    If you make any progress with her let me know and I'll catch up with you next week too."

    I replied with 
    Heyy thank you for letting me know. 

    She hasnt told me yet. 
    Its typical she said about the tree, literally says about some random problem when try to talk about the house. There is probably nothing wrong with it so no point checking that out lol

    She gets super lonely there so now i think about it - i wouldnt be suprised if that convo made her feel a bit less lonely knowing she spoke to someone that day. So she might speak about but she gets weird when talking about the house. 

    Shes got the fence panels now and she thought she could put them in her self with my dad lol to realise they cant and need someone round which i doubt will get done that soon. 

    Im getting even more worried about my dad too about it all. He said hes getting tempted to go there and burn it all. Even started talking about killing her which i dont think he would because hes obessed and controlled by her. But he also said that house just makes him so depressed and its stressing him out again. And once he got into a bad eposide from it where he got depressed and angry he tried to kill himself and saw him strangle my sister and tried to hurt my mum. And although i don't think he was serious with those comments thinkingAbout the past does scare me. He has said them more than once. I have been trying to say to him about getting it sorted but he seems to say hed rather burn it all and idk if i should mention about the council could help. "

    He replied with

    "Hello Shevaun,

    I'm going to forward your message on to ---- who visited with me, just so she knows what's going on. She might reply to you this week, otherwise we'll try to get over to the house again next week.

    We need to think of a plan to get your dad involved. I know you're in a difficult spot."

    so yeah in the last week my dad has been saying some concerning things

    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    My mum is round and had massive convo /argument with her just now

     I've emailed it to the council lol IM sure that they don't care about half the shit thats in the email but whatever lol
     so I'll just copy what i wrote again


    Thank you. 

    Im really sorry if this message is too long. 

    So my mum is round where i live atm and i think she may be staying here for the weekend cause shes too lazy to move now. 

    It wasnt my intention but i just had about 2 hours convo/argument with her about the house. With My sister as well. It started because she was no stop talking about the fence and i said ive seen it and ive seen the big bedroom window looks like its been wired and nearly falling out. And she basically aditting that it is nearly falling out. I then started saying about how she needs help. Mental help and housing help. 

    She got really defensive about my child hood saying "there worse things that could of happened to you". I was saying how shit it was to live in that house with layer upon layers of dirt on me and no space or clean clothes or shower. And she was saying that is nothing and atleast she didnt give me away or do something bad. So i was saying "thank you for not abusing me, thanks for not killing me im so grateful". And told her to stop comparing because neglect is still abuse. She said its how everyone lives. I was saying then youre not mentally well to think that. Then she started bringing my mental health involved. Which yeah tbh my mental health is bad. But she was using as if it was offensive. And said she wasted so much time bringing me up and that i have no soul and that all my grandparents are looking down on me with disgust. When fml my mental health problems are because i was so neglected.

    I also tried to ask her if the bath had fallen through yet but couldnt tell her anwser on that.  

    I tried to make her see how she was living was bad but she kept on bringing it back to me and saying how bad of a person i am. Or started compareing it to the worse. I said "okay if you dont think anything is wrong with the way you live then you wouldnt be worried if i told someone" she stArted beating round the bush and saying random things. And said about the council. I said "i didnt say anything about the counsel i mean i don’t know who i would even need to contact but im sure someone would help you cause its not right". She started asking me if i had rung the counsel and said no. And was saying the counsel would only care about the fence. I thought she was going to say that you came to talk to her but she was not wanting to say that but kept saying you only care about the fence. 

    And this is the main thing i was to ask .....
    She said the counsel will only help people who can not afford it. But she can afford it so you can not help her. Is that true? She said they can only give out grants and stuff but cant help her caue has the money is that true?  Im so sorry if it is and dont mean to waste your time. 

    I said someone would help you because youre not mentaly or physically wanting to do it yourself which means youre unsafe which the council probably care about. But she said they dont because it is not a counsel house and her own property. 

    My kept calling me and my sister horrible stuff and saying how horrible we are to be saying all of this. 

    I changed the convo and was only speaking to my sister. But then she kept speaking about council and bringing it back up like   she was still thinking about. and asking me if ive contacted the concil And i was just asking why she would ask that and saying that i havent. 

    Then me and my sister just left her.  (My  sister is same age as me, (21)) & then my sister was asking what do we Do about her.Cause the house isnt safe and if one day she dies in there then we would feel so guilty for not helping her. and my sister was asking if we would get into trouble if that happened but i don’t know. And my sister was questioning if we need to get her help. But then said no one can really help her when she is that deluded and doesnt want any ones help.
     Which i guess is true? 

    And now in confused on if you can help if she has her own money? 

    Im so sorry thats long. Sorry if not all relevant. 

    Thank you if you do read it

    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    This is what they sent me yesterday://. She is a risk to her self and others

    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 782 Part of The Mix Family
    Wow it sounds like they are just as concerned about her as you are tbh and that they are taking it seriously which is good. It's so hard when she won't admit / accept that she needs help :( 

    Do you feel any better now you know they are trying to engage with her and help her? Like you're not going through this alone? <3
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,680 Supreme Poster
    I did feel better knowing ive tried. They havent replied to me since they said they will referrer her to mental health services. So in guessing they have probably gave up :/. I don’t know if should email again 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • JordanJordan Posts: 207 Super Moderator
    It sounds like you are trying your best @Shaunie. You've spent a lot of time and effort making sure these issues were flagged up and notice people. 

    It sounds like they referred her to mental health services sometime at the end of March, and that it is now the beginning of May. It sounds like you feel this length of time means they have given up and you want to check in.

    If you wanted to, you could send an email just checking in on the progress of the case. Obviously things like this take time, even more so with the current lock-down situation that might be affecting how fast they sort out these referrals.
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