Sad - Happy

[Deleted User]

I don't know if what I'm about to share fits this Health & Wellbeing category, but this evening I gave away my entire collection of my ex's music. High def DVDs of all her performancies, her albums of vinyl and CDs, her complete discography, photos and press releases, the lot.

Though the fan was over the moon and so happy, after I came home and helplessly dissolved into    Guess it's a kind of bereavement I felt even though I'm well over our relationship and she's gone to live in Switzerland with her loved one, still I feel that twinge. A kind of loss despite parting so acrimoniously.

Is this a normal feeling? Or am I wrong to feel this way? You know, my ex was very loved here; by staff, by many of you because she was great at helping people.

The up-side is I am joyful to be marrying Ines my family friend in just over a month's time, but kinda happy-sad, you know? Can anyone relate? Maybe someone older, wiser than me perhaps? Except I am very grateful for the friendship, rapport and empathy of many of you here. Thank you for being so wonderfully supportive.

Former Member

Even though getting rid of an ex's things can be hard, how you are feeling is a natural reaction, sounds like you associated these items with your ex, perhaps there were even some good memories connected to them. Now that you have given them away it might feel is if you lost part of her again or those items reminded you of her and the times you shared together. It may even bring up the memory of loosing her. It's absolutely normal to have an emotional reaction to this kind of stimuli.

As an example, I used to associate certain places with my ex and get very upset to the point where I didn't want to go to those places. After some time I moved on and started dating someone else a few years later, we ended up going to one of those places. At first I was just focusing on not getting upset, but then I decided to make new memories in this place so that next time I came here I would remember the good times with my current partner, rather than sad ones with my ex. If you are feeling up to it, you could try the same thing, listen to a few of the songs whilst in a calming place and then associate those songs with feeling relaxed or drinking a good cup of coffee. Or, find some new songs that make you think of your current parter and focus on them. Perhaps even focus on finding a song for your first dance as newly weds. I hope that doing this helps you as much as it has helped me. Let us know how it goes. 

Congratulations on getting married soon! I hope you have a wonderful day and that each day with your partner brings you more and more love.

Former Member

Totally get that, @Floxy. It's like letting go when you clear out the ex's stuff and it certainly feels more permanent, it's totally normal to feel bittersweet about it. You're right it is kinda like a bereavement as it just marks the end which is both good and bad in different ways.

Congratulations, amazing to hear you are getting married! How exciting! Do you have everything planned, what kind of ceremony is it going to be?

- Lucy

[Deleted User]

Hey @Eyepatch and @Lucy307 thank you for your wonderful support helping me understand myself and agreeing that in fact, this feeling was actually a type of bereavement or loss and an emotional one I've been experiencing. My feelings, Ines said, does not and would never diminish her abiding love for me and is completely understanding. She has had failed relationships in the past and knows all too well what I went through the other night.

I was glad to have given my ex's splendid discography, pictures and albums to a fan who could not afford much, yet had always been wanting to go to the  concerts. Her parents visited early this morning before I left for a radio interview in Spain. They were so grateful, making my eyes well up, so I felt good to see all my ex's DVDs and stuff - finally going to a good home. In a way my giving helped settle me, levelling my feelings and I think the giving was a good start to my eventual emotional healing.

Eyepatch, I quite agree with your relating similar places having an emotional hold on you, but what a wonderful experience being able to return some later time with your current partner. I'm sure Ines will be happy to return with me to some other village area, but in France where my ex was born and where she loved the village so much. It's all a matter of time, and my darling and I have all the time in the world. Thank you for showing me a different side. Up to reading what you shared, I never thought of it that way. You have opened my eyes to a new understanding and realisation.

Lucy, everything has been planned with the help of my adoptive mother, my dear aunt Fiona and her gay partner Bethany. Having both been industrialists but taken early retirement, they have been married some time now and have children of their own and live up in that beautiful village of Deià - and that is where our civil partnership will be conducted by a registrar of the municipality, and our union blessing will be be carried out by a gay-friendly Church of England retired minister known to my two aunts for many years. 

A recent will of my late mother's enabled me to buy a villa in this beautiful place of Deià. It's no less hot being higher up steep mountain side, but our property has outstanding sea views and I made sure that Ines put her name to the property deeds including a country house in England that also belonged to me, and this I wanted done in love for the woman my family and I have known for many years. An act of love and committment, the sealing of marriage with a pair of rings that my dear ward Sophie made, and our youngster and Ines' daughter same age will be our bridesmaids. We invited a great many from the village of Deià to our wedding, for they are already part of our lives, such a beautiful community of caring people and of all ages. That Mallorca is so gay-friendly is deeply humbling, and I feel blessed. After our union, the villagers will be joining in for our feast, and what Ines and I appreciate so much is many will be bringing homemade food for the occasion. A marquee will be set up just in case our weather decides to go rainy. Or thundery! Oh my, can you imagine the heavens opening with thunder and lightning?  

I should add that Sophie though only 12 is very talented and has been making exquisite jewellery for family and friends. She's definitely intending to make jewellery her career and we think she will go far. I also must add that Sophie has been my carer, for without her I doubt I would have been so completely free of sh and other related conditions. She is a power in herself, but my heart goes out to all carers, in particular @Kasa2103 - you have been a tremendous friend to Sophie and I, and we are very grateful for your kindness and supportive messages.

Towards finishing this post, I must thank my other friends on the forum for their help, support and guidance. This week and next I wish I could be here more often, but my music career has just taken off, and Ines is with me as I attend radio interviews across europe for my first solo album. My recently formed band will be playing during our wedding, and I think that is going to be terrific.

Time, I think, for bed. Thank you so much for being here for me, my friends

Mandyx

Azziman

Hiya Mandy!x

Definitely understandable to feel that way. It may be that, like @Eyepatch mentioned, you've learned to associate these items with memories with your ex, so seeing them and/or giving them away reminded you of the times you had together, and that can bring up old emotions of joy or pain. Don't be afraid to feel those emotions - it's better than bottling them up and causing problems down the line!

Anyways, you also have plenty to look forward to as well with the wedding coming up, so be sure to enjoy this time as well! Glad to hear that Sophie is taking on such responsibility and handling it so well - I just hope she allows herself some time to rest and recover!

Of course, it's natural to have conflicting emotions after ending one relationship and being in another, and that's okay. While enjoying the joy and happiness, it's important to acknowledge and accept the pain and sadness, and work through it - it helps you to become a better and more resilient person going forward!x

Much love

[Deleted User]

Hey @Azziman I'm so grateful for your visiting me and giving such wonderful tips.

I do indeed have lots more prepping for my wedding, but it's going to be done once we come home and that will be sometime next week. All is good now regarding my feelings over my ex, and this is probably because we're at Barcelona right now after I did a radio interview yesterday morning and an afternoon matinee concert for a university. Being away from home and other places in Majorca where my ex was is something I will have to address, though giving myself time.

Sophie does self-care a lot so I haven't any need to worry about her. Among our family and friends she's fondly nicknamed 'Missy'. All she needs is a milkshake machine in her yard.

Unfortunately the scarring on my right leg after a 2nd time in hospiatl has left me in a state of great physical pain at night, and I've been put on a short course of sleepers that have significantly helped. But this morning I feel rough though it's me and not the memories of my ex. Just not a morning person.

Love to you back, Azziman

Mandyx