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Stressed.- Being referred to an ISVA

24

Comments

  • MirabelleMirabelle Owl Whisperer Kensington.Posts: 1,020 The Mix Regular
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Thank you very much @Mirabelle 💜.
    Over texts we have arranged to meet up today at 1:30. And now am panicking, I don’t even know what she looks like. :/ can be an awkward person as it is. Let alone when meeting someone new. Gunna be so awkward and embarrassing.

    Ahah Kite flying sounds better than the plans i have this week aha

    Ahh, I know how awks I feel in the presence of someone I don't know, but she'll be fine. Helpers are well trained, so get your panic down and play a game or something to get your mind off stuff.

    What's the best most useful self-care you do at times like now? I'm fixing the inner lid of my peli case with sugru.
    'If you think education is expensive, try estimating the cost of ignorance'.

    - Howard Gardner
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you.

    Was so so anxious so we sat in her car instead.

    Tbh it didn’t go great. I lost all hope I didn’t know I had

    She told me she wasn’t putting me off but Was quite negative but I guess she was just honest
    She said it could take 1-2 years for investigation and that it can put someone’s life on hold the whole time and even then they’re v disheartened by it all

    Well may aswell just kill my self now.
    Basically all I heard was ‘people get away with sexual abuse all the time’. She probably didn’t want me to get disheartened and I don’t know at the time I was thinking maybe I could find courage to do the video statement.
    But now I am think I should find the corauge to kil myself

    There isn’t any hope and the world isn’t safe
    .
  • MirabelleMirabelle Owl Whisperer Kensington.Posts: 1,020 The Mix Regular
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Thank you.

    Was so so anxious so we went in car instead.

    Tbh it didn’t go great. I lost most of the hope I thought I didn’t have

    She told me she wasn’t putting me off but Was quite negative but I guess she was just honest
    She said it could take 1-2 years for investigation and that it can put someone’s life on hold the whole time and even then they’re v disheartened by it all

    Well may aswell just kill my self now.
    Basically all I heard was ‘people get away with sexual abuse all the time’. She probably didn’t want me to get disheartened and I don’t know at the time I was thinking maybe I could find courage to do the video statement.
    But now I am think I should find the corauge to kil myself

    There isn’t any hope and the world isn’t safe

    Well, there is always hope and I told Mandy that 7 months ago while removing something out of her hand that could have hurt herself even though we had a fight. I realise that taking this s.o.b. to court may take a long time, but you are worth it. You, Mandy and so many others are worth fighting for. Yeah sure it's going to take a lot of patience, but I believe you are already doing quite well if you take one day at a time.

    The biggest nark I dislike about people is when they are brutaly honest, and that lady you saw must have an award for abrasiveness maybe, but at least she was laying it on the line. I had a mother who believed in tough love and it was not easy living with her. So you have my empathy *Hug*

    Did you get that free coffee? Had I been there, I'd have got her shelling out for lunch on top! :d
    'If you think education is expensive, try estimating the cost of ignorance'.

    - Howard Gardner
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Ahah yeah did get free coffee 🙃
    She was too honest. She may aswelll told me to give up and kept asking me if is what I want or do I want counselling for it. I never mentioned counselling so why talk about referring me to it. Like she blantely thinks no point in reporting cause will get away with it and put me through unnecessary stress. And not the support or help I need. But i don’t know if that’s cause I came across as really anxious

    But I don’t see how counselling for trauma based therapy or something would can help. Cause hard to speak about I think reporting it would help but looks like that’s unlikely now so no point. Makes more sense to kill myself

    But thank you @Mirabelle
    .
  • MikeMike 🖥️🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,486 Community Manager
    Well done, @Shaunie! It's commendable that you accepted this meeting, even if you left with some conflicting thoughts about everything moving forward. These things are never easy, and no matter how it unfolded, it was a brave thing to do and shows a drive to seek help. :yes:

    I wonder if you not mentioning counselling made her think that you hadn't thought about it, and therefore made her think it was a good suggestion? Not sure, but that's what came into my head reading your post.

    Reporting what happened will always be your decision, even if people advise against it. ISVAs and other people in these sorts of positions probably get quite a good sense of what incidents will lead to cases being built and convictions happening, and whether it's 'worth' the stress and ordeal that reporting something can bring. But if there is value in reporting it for you, then that's a reason to report it in itself. Some people find it brings them some closure, for example.

    I guess, maybe it's worth thinking - how would you feel if you went through the process of reporting it, and then it didn't result in anything happening? And equally, what if they ended up in prison? Getting a feel of the possible outcomes can be a useful thought exercise.

    Well done again for today, and keep in mind that listening services like Samaritans are always out there if you find yourself fighting suicidal thoughts. Keep us updated on how you're feeling about everything. *hug* Are there any plans for you to meet up with her again?
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Want to join the community champions? Drop @TheMix a message!
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Mike wrote: »
    Well done, [USER="96903"]Shaunie[/USER]! It's commendable that you accepted this meeting, even if you left with some conflicting thoughts about everything moving forward. These things are never easy, and no matter how it unfolded, it was a brave thing to do and shows a drive to seek help. :yes:

    I wonder if you not mentioning counselling made her think that you hadn't thought about it, and therefore made her think it was a good suggestion? Not sure, but that's what came into my head reading your post.

    Reporting what happened will always be your decision, even if people advise against it. ISVAs and other people in these sorts of positions probably get quite a good sense of what incidents will lead to cases being built and convictions happening, and whether it's 'worth' the stress and ordeal that reporting something can bring. But if there is value in reporting it for you, then that's a reason to report it in itself. Some people find it brings them some closure, for example.

    I guess, maybe it's worth thinking - how would you feel if you went through the process of reporting it, and then it didn't result in anything happening? And equally, what if they ended up in prison? Getting a feel of the possible outcomes can be a useful thought exercise.

    Well done again for today, and keep in mind that listening services like Samaritans are always out there if you find yourself fighting suicidal thoughts. Keep us updated on how you're feeling about everything. *hug* Are there any plans for you to meet up with her again?

    Thank you v much v helpful. Made me think & Is really helpful to read others view on some things. 👍🏼Not sure how I’d feel going through 2 years trying but to get no where. Would be glad I tried but then v upset so idk. But obviously would be glad if went to prison. But even then will stil probably feel like shit
    She put down that we are meeting on this thursday. In hopes like 2 days -I will think about stuff she talked about and whether a video statement is something I want to do. But said I can always text to cancel Thursday if too anxious. Idk if she wants an answer there & then about wanting a video statement or not.. B ut after a video statement the person gets arrested then questioned on their part. But chances are they always deny it so doesn’t Make go much faster after that. But surely that would make me unsafe when the person knows I am going through the reporting system & they would get their dodgy people on to me and threaten me to stop. Or he will manipulate & threat me. But I didn’t ask her about that stuff

    I don’t know what I am want anymore. Or what is wrong with me rn. I am really a mess😭😭😭😭 am so confused on what I want myself. & my thoughts are really messed up. Making me hate myself more.
    One minute I am v intense moments thinking I do want to die, like rn & only way out. Next I am like I can’t die cause a sicko needs to get what he deserves. So conflicted yet such deep suicidal thoughts. Pretty fucked up😭🙃
    .
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    So did see her today. Was in a v fragile state and yesterday was in massive crisis and wanted to die -so I wasn’t in best of moods.

    was a lil, really awkward with when I could barely speak from crying so much:/// still so embarrassed thinking about it rn :///. But I started crying more when she was asking about what my texts are/was lik with this guy and if they’re controlling or aggressive. And that if they’re not controlling it could undermine me. So I was thinking -
    ‘right so I have messages that are quite friendly and not controlling’ then I started crying so much cause I just thought she was saying is my own fault then and for it to be wrong they need to be controlling all the time. I am still confused on what she meant. As someone could be in a great relationship, if they’re forced sexual act at any time is still wrong. Like she agreed to that so I don’t get what she meant. But said it is not like it is on TV. And I am just thinking right so they would read one friendly chat and say it is my own fault??

    She is coming with my to my gp next week to see how I can get support. Cause basically I am too much of a mess and unstable to know what I want. Cause I don’t know if I even want to live or not. And said I am v undesisive And that without support it would be really hard and should have support before making decisions like that. Cause is intense and hard thing. When I can barely get myself out of bed and I am very suicidal every day. And being actively suicidal and it only getting worse should have some support anyway
    And said that she could put me on their 18 month waiting list for long term therapy.

    I don’t know if after speaking I felt worse or not tbh:/but am just so tired and have massive headache from crying so much:/
    .
  • RileyRiley Posts: 759 Super Moderator
    Hi Shaunie.

    Hope you get a good long rest to help you feel better and get rid of that headache! I think it's understandable that you're feeling so fragile at the moment as you've been through so much and as you said have had a lot of conflicting feelings throughout this process. I'm sure your advisor is used to people feeling emotional as you did during your meeting so I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about. I hope your meeting with your GP next week goes okay and they manage to help you get the support you're looking for, be sure to let us know how it all pans out. *hug*

    - Riley
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you.

    I see my gp Monday ( tomorrow). I’m gettin really stressed thinking about it. I dunno what sort of help they can give cause have asked them before & doubt an ISVA being there would make any difference. I would like to be on medication but think it does more harm than good & I overdose on it and I never take it regularly because I pile them up & it makes me feel safe knowing is there. For When I get intense feelings

    But that’s all the help they would offer. My family won’t help me to take medication regularly either. I don’t know what would help. Unless there is a medication that they could prescribe in which could take calm me down when get so intense. But idk what medication that would be or if they would be able to do that.
    .
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Shaunie

    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling stressed about your GP appointment today. It can be stressful not really knowing what support they might be able to offer but just remember they are here to help you in the best way that they can. :)

    You've mentioned some concerns you have yourself about possibly being on medication, do you feel you can talk to your doctor about some of these concerns you have? Remember the doctor is there to help you find the right support that's going to be best for you so if you're not comfortable with any of their suggestions, let them know so they can talk through some alternative options with you.

    If you're feeling nervous or stressed sometimes it can help to write everything down to take with you to your appointment. There's an app called Doc Ready that some people find helpful to plan what they are going to say to a doctor. There's also some information and advice about what to expect during an appointment which you might find helpful. :)

    I hope your appointment goes okay today, let us know how you get on *hug*

    All the best,

    - Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    thank you. It actually went okay.
    They said they’re making an urgent referral to the personality disorder service (one I am already on waiting list for) and said going to try to get someone into my care as soon as possible. Which idk, cause they said i can’t have support because I am on waiting list -the last time I went, which was a lil while go now. But is really good but I just a bit sceptical cause they said I can’t before. I know when they say urgent, is probably not urgent at all either. But is something

    They said they will not be prescribing me medication, if I never actually take it and only misuse every single pill then there is no point atm.

    My gp kept using the word “alleged” rape and my ISVA started saying she shouldn’t be saying that, then they got into a lil disagreement for a bit. But my gp still kept saying alleged rape even after discussing shouldn’t be saying it infront of me. So it got a lil awkward. But apart from that it was okay
    .
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 909 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Shaunie

    Glad you got to go to the GP with your ISVA, sounds like it might have helped with her being there? How are you feeling about it all now?

    I guess your GP was trying to be PC using the word 'alleged' but that's really not helpful at all, and I'm glad your ISVA disagreed! I don't think some people realise how their wording can come across. I'm forever noticing those kinds of words in news stories when people are 'accused' of sexual misconduct, people don't seem to be allowed to believe the victim until it's 'confirmed' in court (which is total bull). It's nothing personal to you or your experience, it's just people who haven't had the experience, showing that they don't get it. :heart:

    - Lucy :rainbow:
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you & Yeah, I guess so and though I do get why she was saying ‘alleged’ but like she doesn’t need to say it directly to me -cause to me it isn’t alleged at all.:/
    .
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
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  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
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  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Aw I sent message to my ISVA as she wanted an update on the urgent referral. I told her that they refused. She sent a lovely message back- told me not to give up and that she will see me regularly and will not leave me without support. She seems so empathetic towards me and She said she’s not at work but has the phone and that I can ring her as she is free for an hour. Like that is so lovely. And that she is still going to speak with someone from that service. But atm she’s at home, not even at work and said I could speak with her. Just People’s kindness makes me so much calmer.
    .
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I am really sad. I very nearly sent a message to ISVA saying I don’t want her support anymore

    Why the fuck @The Mix you recommend people to use 7 cups is beyond me.

    I hardly ever use it but used it cause I know is a load of shit but thought yeah every listener isn’t a asshole so thought try today. I spent awhile speaking to someone who just was all for victim blaming. At the beginning I realise I have Got to the point where I felt I wasn’t to blame cause I disagreed with everything she said. And she basically defended abusers. I mean I literally spent 2 hours trying to get her see sense. But instead, in the end, she has made me question everything. She said “if people stand up for themselves, sexual abuse wouldn’t happen at all” and that -someone would call the police straight away if they had any sense, not carry on with the relationship for it to only get worse, and be a doormat. And She said she is a lot older than me so must know.

    I then told her that I literally got to point where I had to do things I feel I didn’t have any chioce and that I was being groomed. She didn’t even know what groomed meant. Then she told me that is all bullshit and no one would believe that would happen at that age. I guess no one will believe me then. I get what she is saying, somethings did happen which may sound v extreme case of sexual abuse

    But it happened.

    But she is right. No one will believe me and she called me a liar. I am beyond sad.
    But mostly numb.

    Literally feel like she took the life out of me.

    Idk anymore. I can’t be bothered anymore. I am so sad and dk what am supposed to feel or do rn. I mean I studied so many different areas of health care and know what she was saying is bullshit and know even 16 year old are capable of literally anything, brought up in the wrong environment & I spent so long with the NSPCC learning about abusers & grooming but I still am thinking no one will believe me now, and that everything she said is maybe right, cause she sounded like she wanted to help but was just being honest and I'm sad people still victim blame
    I have draft message of sending ISVA that I don’t want her support anymore
    .
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Shaunie

    I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with 7 Cups. This sounds awful, I'm sorry you had to go through this. :mad:

    We've actually stopped recommending this place due to this exact reason. We've heard from quite a few people now that they've had awful experiences talking to their listeners. I don't believe they give much training to them, anyone can just sign up which can make it unsafe. It sounds like your listener wasn't supportive at all and didn't understand how hard things were for you or anyone that's been through this. Have you thought about reporting them to 7 cups?

    It sounds like you're feeling really hurt by what happened. Try not to let anyone make you feel this way, remember you're the one that went through this, not them, so you know what happened even if they don't believe you. It's hard though, especially when we want someone to listen. Remember there are people out there who believe you, like us :)

    Do you still feel like you want to stop the support from your ISVA? From your post before this, it sounds like she's being really supportive.
    Aw I sent message to my ISVA as she wanted an update on the urgent referral. I told her that they refused. She sent a lovely message back- told me not to give up and that she will see me regularly and will not leave me without support. She seems so empathetic towards me and She said she’s not at work but has the phone and that I can ring her as she is free for an hour. Like that is so lovely. And that she is still going to speak with someone from that service. But atm she’s at home, not even at work and said I could speak with her. Just People’s kindness makes me so much calmer.

    It's really nice she sent you this lovely message. Do you feel you can reach out to her about what happened and talk it through?

    I hope you're feeling okay today, please don't feel like you don't deserve support from your ISVA because everyone deserves support, and that includes you :)

    Stay strong Shaunie *hug*

    - Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • FranFran Posts: 118 Boards Initiate
    Hey Shaunie!! I just wanted to check and ask how do you feel!
    I once read that when we are feeling too emotional, we had better wait before sending an important message or email or even before making a phone call. It should be useful to wait 24 hours, in order to give ourselves time to relax a little and have a clearer idea about what to do. If after 24 hours we haven't changed our idea we can still think about it and decide what to do next. But sometimes it happens that 24 hours help understand that sending that message wasn't really what we wanted to do.
    Do you feel like trying? Just give yourself some time do distress and to relax before doing anything :heart:

    - Fran
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you both

    Oh I’m really sorry :/. @Aife Didn’t mean to sound rude, now read is maybe rude. :/:( But glad you don’t recommend that site now.

    I did end up reporting her account after she called me disgusting. Then I went onto my listener account and told her that I reported her account & that I texted to stop support from adviser (I haven’t was trying to make her feel bad lol) & that she really upset me- then she changed and was like -- ‘I didn’t mean it like that, he is the one that is disgusting, I feel like crying now’ —like was weird af but then blocked her on that aswell.

    I feel a tiny bit better now & calmer. I don’t think would stop support from her. Though what the ‘‘listener’’ said really affected me but the abuse happened & still want to formally report so idc what she thinks even though may mean no one else will believe me because it sounds “’unbelievable”’ but i just feel like crying from frustration that no one is going to believe me. I’m not that disgusting to make something so disgusting up & say it was a specific person.
    Like I know even my family would believe me if I told them cause is never something I would make up or lie about, but I don’t feel I can even speak to them. I just want I be heard and clearly was the wrong site
    .
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 909 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Shaunie

    So sorry to hear about your experience with 7 cups! Can't believe they would let someone like that be a listener! :grump: glad you have reported/blocked her now though.

    I know it's hard but please try to look past that experience and into the future... The person you were talking to clearly had no understanding of what you have been through, but your ISVA clearly totally believes you and wants to support you through this. And I think it would be a fair assumption that your ISVA has a lot more experience of this!!

    Stay strong :heart:

    - Lucy :rainbow:
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I think ISVA definitely, genuinely believes me and she knows everything in brief detail. She told me she believes me & it was so reassuring to hear. I spoke to her today and she is lovely.
    She Was like really worried about me & is a shame urgent support refused & that the mental health is really poor rn. then said in her opinion it doesn’t matter if theyr a therapist or what but thinks right now - I need someone to see regularly for support & someone to go to. she said thinks she could be that person & can see her regularly & said in time I’d trust her.
    I was like that is v kind but I’d hate to waste or use so much time. She was like -more than happy to & think I deserve it & I am absolutely worthy of her time. She then arranged to see me tomorrow. Feel like she understands
    .
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 909 Part of The Mix Family
    So glad she is being so supportive and lovely, you deserve it. She's right, you are absolutely worthy of her time, and she sounds brilliant. Let us know how it goes tomorrow. :)
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I did meet with her on the Tuesday. We went to McDonald’s cause there was some electrical fault with the building. Which yeah I wasn’t too keen on cause I was anxious, but we sat outside. But still. But anyway she said the bpd service is there when I am in crisis and can ring them and that’s support they offer atm. But like that’s pretty useless to me cause hate phone calls.

    She doesn’t seem to be talking about going to the police at all atm. which feels weird cause she is a violence adviser. But is really nice she’s helping me with my mental health too.


    But she told me about some service for mental health ect. But also said about a service in Huntingdon, which yeah isn’t far from me but It is a service for the vulnerable to learn about healthy relationships, grooming ect for like 12-19 year olds. She said I would find it helpful. But I never thought I was that vulnerable to prevent abuse. I felt really awkward because I have mentioned to her before about when I was with the NSPCC which did the exact same thing and I was with them for double the amount of time than usual learning stuff like that. So obviously that wasn’t enough and now I am clearly really just am stupid.
    .
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I have follow up appointment with my gp Monday. GunnA be so pointless when they can’t even help but ISVA is coming with, which seems to help
    .
  • FranFran Posts: 118 Boards Initiate
    Hey Shaunie,
    What's happening is great!! starting from your mental health is deftly great! don't worry about the police part, just let things be and trust your ISVA in this, as she seems to be willing to help you not only from a technical point of view but from a 360° perspective.
    I just want to ask you what your feelings are and if this steps are helping you feeling less anxious :heart:

    - Fran
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you

    My appointment is in like 20 minutes and ISVA comes to pick me up 10 minut s before. But I have self harmed and i dunno what to do.
    .
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Shaunie

    I've just edited some detail out of your most recent post to keep things safe for the boards. :)

    If you're ever feeling worried about your self-harm, please do seek medical attention either by calling an ambulance or going to A&E. Remember there's also some self-harm coping tips & distraction techniques on The Mix website you can try if you're ever having any urges. TESS is also another option for support, they offer text and email support around self-harm.

    Best of luck with your appointment today, I hope it goes okay. It's really nice your ISVA is going with you again. It sounds like she's being really supportive at the moment.

    Do let us know how you get on today *hug*

    All the best,

    - Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Was load of shit. My gp spoke at me for 30 minutes basically saying that being referred to somewhere or going on antidepressants isn’t the answer and I need to do something with my life and have an aim. She kept telling me I did health care so I could look at volunteering into something helping people. And just kept saying I’m caring young and pretty girl and have my whole life ahead of me. Like fucking hell I can’t fuckig leave my bed and you’re telling me to do all these things. I’d rather fucking die. I kept saying I can’t even get out of bed let alone that and then she was like but you need an aim. What do sayig I choose to stay in side my bed like it’s some sort of fcking choice. If I could leave my bed and do things I would. Made me more suicidal cause I would like to do it but I feel disabled.

    Basically no support, I just need to stop being a lazy shit and stop self harming.
    .
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    And she kept saying I take care of my appearance which shows I care. Well yeah I care about fucking people bitching about me. I don’t care about my life. Do I need to turn up with a week old of dirty clothes on, no make up, hair not brush and looking like I’ve been pulled out of a bush to get some support. Prickksssss cause I’m sure if that happened they’d just be like you’re not ready for support if you are not willing to help yourself aswel. Everyon s fucking pricks these days. If self care and self help was everything those shitty services would not exist. I can’t by myself. A lil bit of support wouldn’t go a miss
    There’s no hope . I don’t give a fuck anymore. Support what fucking shitty support all bastards
    .
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