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Stressed.- Being referred to an ISVA

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
Basically im emailing a police woman and she said shes referrin me to ISVA (independent sexual violence adviser) Obvs after i agreed to it. Without even knowing what it was. But she said she will carry on emailing and speaking with me til i get referred. She seems a bit pushy on reporting sexual abuse - like she would do it herself if she has enough evidence. But also says im not obliged to tell her anything but obviously has a duty of care to keep people safe. She seems lovely. But is stressful. But guess it would be.
Just a lil rant
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I had an ISVA and she was nice, she sat next to me when I gave evidence in court but she couldnt support me after the case was over. As where I am ISVA'S are only there from report to court.

    It is good that you are going to be getting an ISVA, how do you feel about it, Shaunie?
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix convert Posts: 132 The Mix Convert
    All the best with this Shaunie and remember they are there to help you x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you both. X

    Im feeling okay about it but a bit stressful but guess havent got anything to lose
    Lost sense-did it take long to get referred?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    No not at all lovely although I had my ISVA later down the line than you can have them. I had my ISVA from when it went to court but you can have them from report to court. I think too much was just happening at the time with the police involvement so they didnt want to overwhelm me I guess.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you lostsense!
    She told me theres a bit of waiting,maybe she meant a few days or soemthing
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Fingers crossed for you ma lovely!
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix convert Posts: 132 The Mix Convert
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Thank you both. X

    Im feeling okay about it but a bit stressful but guess havent got anything to lose
    Lost sense-did it take long to get referred?

    Keep us updated if you'd like to Hun x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you both

    So there was something wrong with the form the police woman sent and only realise yesterday. Wonder why was taking so long. She sent it of Again yesterday and an ISVA rang this morning. . I asked if they could ring back

    But my sister asked who it was on the phone. She has no idea so I told her I am trying to report sexual abuse. She looked at me like actual shit. . She was like “you said you didn’t want to report it ,what’s changed your mind” and started playing 21 Questions. she then asked how long ago was the abuse started. I said 3 years ago. She rolled her eyes and said that’s a whil ago. We discussed the other day about if we think a crime is less if it was awhile ago and she agree that it was and I disagreed

    Really has dropped my mood and think there’s no point now. She wasn’t supportive at all & made me question everything. I don’t want to bother anymore or answer when she rings back. They will ask me loads of questions like my sister just did on why now and not then and maybe not believe me

    I wasn’t even feeling that bad this morning now I feel like actual shit now😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hi @Shaunie :heart:

    I just want you to know that I really admire you for being so brave!! We are here for you and I really hope we all can make you feel better!

    I think that sometimes it's sane to be a little bit "selfish". What I mean is that it's you who has experienced an abuse and it's only you who knows how it feels. It doesn't matter to me how much time has passed since that, you still have every right to do what you want about it.
    Reporting it might be the right thing to do for a serious of reason, from preventing it to happen to someone else, to receiving justice for what you went through and to finally have some closure. It's you who has the last word on that and the right to do everything you want.

    Take care :heart:

    - Fran
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Fran. It’s reported to the police and they have kept it in the notes which I never thought I would been get that far. I am still going to try through with the ISVA. I realised they texted me aswell I replied but they haven’t replied yet. But I just keep going back to the conversation had with my sister then feel really shit about it like I am being really pathetic
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie

    How are you feeling today? I'm sorry to hear that the conversation with your sister has made you feel bad :( but just wanted to give you some encouragement as I truly believe you are doing the right thing. It's extremely brave of you to report it in the first place. Please don't feel disheartened, exactly as Fran said above you may just prevent this from happening to someone else and also feel some justice for what you've been through. I also agree with you that it doesn't matter when a crime was committed, it is still just as serious.

    Have you spoken to your ISVA yet? I hope with their experience they can also put your mind to rest about this. It's an incredible but tough process you are going through, keep going, and take care of yourself :heart:

    We're always here if you want to talk.

    - Lucy
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you

    Not feeling great at all. They still haven’t replied. Which is weird because it took a day to be referred and was like a quick thing but can’t rely to my message I sent on Friday. I don’t think I said anything wrong.

    Tbh they probably can’t do anything ,should fucking hurt the prick myself.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Fml I get so angry I’m so triggered and seeing his face all over my instagram explore thing and I feel like going and fucking hurting him then myself. Why’s there no death penalty would be showing them all sort of shameful texts otherwise. I don’t believe in karma anymore, when is he gunna get what he desevse and gets hurt and dies a slow painful death. ???He has so many friends that think he is the greatest person alive. It actually makes me want to throw up. 😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Oh they finally replied and reassured me doesn’t matter how long it was. Thought they wasn’t gunna reply cause was awhile ago. But said want to arrange a time to ring. Ffs I hate phone calls. I’m like the most awkward person ever on phone calls
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Shaunie. You've done well to get this far. Phone calls can be tricky, but I hope you feel relieved afterwards. Let us know how it goes.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you
    She said she will ring me on Wednesday morning. Tbh with how low I am feeling I dunno if I will still be alive by then. I’m so sad 😭😭😭😭😭😭Feel i can’t eat or move
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hey @Shaunie!
    That's really great that you have decided to report it and that you have managed to arrange a phone call with your ISVA. Don't bother about the phone calls: I strongly believe you'll talk to professionals who know how to deal with delicate topics, so I hope they'd be sympathetic and that they's make you feel at ease, even though you don't like phone calls.

    Considering your Instagram page, have you ever considered blocking his contact or stopping following him? If seeing his picture understandably annoys you, you could prevent this from happen. You'd have every right to do that.

    If you want, keep us informed about the phone call :rainbow:

    - Fran
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi Shaunie, how are you feeling today? I really empathise with what you've been saying about seeing his pics on Instagram and feeling like everybody thinks he's great. I had a very similar problem :( it's so triggering that I had to delete and block mine from all social media, then you literally see nothing from them and they can't see your life either. Although I kinda had compulsions to check what he was doing, it's not worth it for the anger & upset it causes. Do you think blocking him would help? Also remember that his friends probably haven't got a clue what he did and wouldn't be treating him like he's so great if they did. *hug*

    Hope you're ok x :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you both!💜
    He’s not on my follow list but it was on the explore part, part on instagram where just suggestions of posts. I’m not sure if even blocking him would remove that? Maybe would remove the stuff he has been tagged in but if hasn’t been tagged would still see it cause mutual friends and all.? Maybe I should just block him but tried blocking him before & I feel like doing that - makes me want to check his profile too, dunno why, probably just cause of the fact I can’t ://🙃

    Though thankfully I haven’t had much time to think about phone call. I’m not that stressed about it. I’m just stressed that my sister will notice am on phone. So I did ask her to ring me in the morning so hopefully I’ll be in bed away from my sister so she doesn’t make bitchyy comments about it. She said she will be asking how I am and what support id like. I don’t get what support they do or how they could help. The internet says they help reporting to police but the police referred me so haven’t I already tried. I’m confused.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Had the call. Was okay. Have to wait weeks to meet up with someone though. I just want to get over and done with
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Shaunie. Thanks for letting us know. Glad to hear the call went okay. It can be frustrating having to wait for these things. Have you considered something you enjoy doing this weekend to give yourself some time to yourself? Any friends you can meet up with?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    So the person they was allocating me to - rang me today (not in a few weeks like they said) but was like I’ll ring you Tuesday cause sound upset & scared & was askin if safe and said on Tuesday will arrange to meet in a few days. I didn’t say that much cause I do feel like 💩and upset so just said went along with whatever she wa saying while regretting answering cause got offended I sound like at gun point when answering a phone call😒
    I don’t have any friends to meet ah, 😔but I do have work on weekend 😭rather die😭 nothing I enjoy to do 🙃😔😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Shaunie.

    Sorry to hear you're feeling rough at the moment, having to deal with phone calls can be very stressful so it's understandable you'd get nervous answering a phone call. Hopefully the person they've allocated you to is helpful and you manage to get this all over and done with soon! Be sure to let us know how work goes this weekend and keep us all up to date with how you're doing, we're all here for you. *hug*

    - Riley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hey @Shaunie,

    I totally agree with what Mike said and just want to add this: remember to find some time for yourself and to do something that you actually enjoy. It could be everything, like reading a book or going for a walk!! You definitely deserve some time off, so try to give it to yourself :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie

    Sounds like it could be good news that the process has sped along and you are able to meet up with this person after Tuesday? I get that the phonecall was uncomfortable, but hopefully face to face will be better? :)

    How's the weekend at work been? Is there anything you usually do to unwind/self care?

    - Lucy
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you all.


    It doesn’t matter though. I can’t see far enough to do it cause am too weak & suicidal rn. He has already won. The prick had made my live in hell since. There is no point trying to even breath anymore let alone this. And I don’t mean to sound selfish. But I don’t think anyone realises the torture of feeling dirtyy all the time. -Of my actual biggest trigger - is just actually a natural human function which is a daily constant thing have to do & not in control of my body... Knowing it may of not of been at fault but associating daily trigger -as still being a out of control, dirty humiliating act and feeling shame & disgust... just being human- everyday. But I just can’t help feeling it. Is actually fucking shit. Nothing will change what has already happened.I think if anyone was to actually realised & heard how shit I am feeling constantly they would think euthanasia too and not worth it. I am up way too late being extremely suicidal, thinking about things I shouldn’t. But no one understands. -I just hate myself. Life has so much suffering I just can’t handle it.
    I don’t want to be in my body anymore.
    I think some days I just want to be really heard, believed & understood but I don’t think it will ever happen & illl never be in control or clean😔😔😔. I just want to die😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Ah I missed her phone call cause I only just managed to get to sleep. But she texts me saying she can meet today. I have no idea how to reply.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Ah I’m really stressing she wants to meet in costa today. I thought she was gunna say in a few weeks tbh now I dunno what to put
    I’m sooo stressed rn
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Owl Whisperer Posts: 1,020 Wise Owl
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Thank you all.


    It doesn’t matter though. I can’t see far enough to do it cause am too weak & suicidal rn. He has already won. He deserves to be burnt alive. Not prison. The prick had made my live in hell since. There is no point trying to even breath anymore let alone this. And I don’t mean to sound selfish. But I don’t think anyone realises the torture of feeling dirtyy all the time. -Of my actual biggest trigger - is just actually a natural human function which is a daily constant thing have to do & not in control of my body... Knowing it may of not of been at fault but associating daily trigger -as still being a out of control, dirty humiliating act and feeling shame & disgust... just being human- everyday. But I just can’t help feeling it. Is actually fucking shit. Nothing will change what has already happened.I think if anyone was to actually realised & heard how shit I am feeling constantly they would think euthanasia too and not worth it. I am up way too late being extremely suicidal, thinking about things I shouldn’t. But no one understands. -I just hate myself. Life has so much suffering I just can’t handle it.
    I don’t want to be in my body anymore.
    I think some days I just want to be really heard, believed & understood but I don’t think it will ever happen & illl never be in control or clean. I just want to die

    She will ring again, and also will help coax you to talk because she is trained, and I know how you hate phonecalls 😒 < I do, too, loathe them no end! But let's wait and see cos there's no point kicking yourself for missing the call just cos your sleep is buggered up. Punch a pillow - get that frustration and anger out. Don't let it eat you away inside, please. You are stronger than you realise. You have come such a long way. We can get you through this, I keep telling Mandy and she knows it. I want to you to believe you can, too.

    Shaunie, I want to impress on you how much you a special friend to me and I want you to keep reminding yourself that you are no way to blame... I understand the total loss of confidence and trust you once had, but don't allow what he did to continue making you feel so bad.

    Only last night I told Mandy this and I will keep telling her like I will keep telling you - be patient with yourself and don't give in to what you want to do. Your abuser has not won. He will never, ever win!

    What other plans have you got this week? If I lived nearer we could play kites! 🙃
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 18
    Thank you very much @Past User 💜.
    Over texts we have arranged to meet up today at 1:30. And now am panicking, I don’t even know what she looks like. :/ can be an awkward person as it is. Let alone when meeting someone new. Gunna be so awkward and embarrassing.

    Ahah Kite flying sounds better than the plans i have this week aha
    Post edited by TheMix on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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