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  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    I'm supposed to be getting a tattoo at 12 but I dont think I will be safe outside because they are watching me
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Lostsense

    How are you feeling today? It sounds like you feel like it might not be safe outside because people are watching you. This sounds really scary for you. Can you tell us who is watching you?

    In your post yesterday you mentioned that your CPN was going to call you today. It's reassuring to hear that you want to reach out to her and talk about how you're feeling about everything. It can be really hard to be open and honest about how we're really feeling but it's great that you feel able to open to someone about everything. I hope it's helped a bit to write out want you want to talk about here. What do you find most helpful when you talk to your CPN?

    It sounds like you're not finding many distractions helping with the self-harm urges you're experiencing at the moment. Has your CPN given you any helpful advice on how to manage these urges you're having?

    You also mentioned that you don't know if you need the crisis team and were feeling a bit unsure about whether or not to contact them. Do you know what support you are hoping for if you did contact them? It's always worth giving them a ring anyway if you're feeling a little unsure about whether you need them. Every bit of support can help :)

    I hope your phone call goes okay today. Let us know how it goes :)

    - Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Not feeling good at all. The demons are watching me.

    Yeah, my cpn hasent called yet which I'm kind of glad because I dont know if to answer it or not. The demons dont want me to answer my phone or let anyone in my room. I dont really know what I find most helpful when I talk to my cpn.

    No she hasent given me any advice.

    I dont think it will be long before my cpn or support worker will be calling the crisis team on me again. Idk what it is I am hoping from the crisis team I'de only go back into hospital if I had a choice on what ward I went on because I didnt like the second one I was on so I dont want to go back to that one and I dont evan know if hospital is what I need again. I've only been out 3weeks so the crisis team might evan refuse me hospital this time.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    The duty worker from my CAMHS just phoned and I answered it she said my cpn has been busy today thats why she hasent phoned so she asked the duty worker to phone me instead. The duty worker that I just spoke with said my old cpn is going to phone me in the morning and so is my present cpn at some point tomorrow (we'll see if either of them do!) She said would I call the crisis team if I felt unsafe and I just said yes but I dont think I would. She is a demon aswell. They are all demons. So now I have another night to struggle alone😭
  • RileyRiley Posts: 759 Super Moderator
    Hey there Lostsense.

    I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time at the moment, it sounds like you're having to cope with a lot and I really hope things ease up for you soon. How are you feeling at the moment? You mentioned that both your old CPN and your new CPN were going to phone you today, have either of them been in contact with you yet? It's very brave of you to keep talking here about what you're going through and I hope you keep us all up to date so we can help however we can.

    - Riley
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    My support worker has just gone I was stronger than the voices and let her in she said she isnt a devil. So after on and off the phone to the duty worker at my CAMHS today we finally spoke to the crisis team manager like about 10 minutes ago and she said someone from the crisis team will be out to see me within the next 4 hours. I'm not feeling to good atm tbh (I usually say I'm fine but I'm not fine really evan if I put a front on) there trying to trick me again now to say that I am fine. No neither of them have phoned me today. We've been speaking to the duty worker but then my old cpn that I was told lastnight that was going to call me this morning finally called about half an hour ago and she contacted the crisis team thats why the crisis team manager called me 10mins ago to let us know that someone will be out to see me within the next 4hours. So now I just have to wait but I know now that I am on my own again the voices are going to get loud again and tell me not to let the crisis team in but my support worker asked me please to so she dosent get woken up out of bed so it will have to be a quick jolt to the door when they get here I think but its still bright out so its shinning through the windows and that affects me to because I can see the demons. I'll have to cover my head so I dont see the demons. Thats why I always keep my duvet over my head too. So they should be here by 8pm latest. They are either going to put me back in hospital (I doubt it) or get the home treatment round to see me everyday. I wonder which one it will be I'll let you know. Oh so another women are going to let them in so I dont need to worry about letting them in the front door. I just need to let them in my room, I can and will be stronger than the voices again they've just told me if I throw salt over someone I'll know if they are a devil or not so I've just got some salt from downstairs. I carry something with me everywhere I go now incase the demons start to attack me I just carried one downstairs
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    😐 'Todd' from crisis team just called said he wants to come and see me. He said he'll be about half an hour but a FUCKING MALE again. I hope he brings a female. They know I dont do MALES fs 😠
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Omg I am so fucking angry!!! My old cpn rang me not long after Todd phoned me and she said he wont come on his own and he fucking just has!! I told him a female was meant to come aswell so he said am I happy to wait until tomorrow to see a female wowzers 😲 so another night self harming and struggling on my own without any meds!!
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    😭😭😭 I'm breaking apart right now. I've just called the crisis team and the person I spoke with said the females are busy tonight doing assesments so he was beggining to say he cant send a female out until the morning and I said I cant wait and need medication he then said so you need a dr so he said he'll try and send a dr out but dosent know what time that will be tonight but the dr is male so what the fucking point was that😠 then at the end I'm sure he said 'with a nurse' so I'm hoping he meant the dr will come with a female nurse. He said no-one told them but my cpn told me she put it on my careplan she sent over! A male dr better not come on his own😠 or I could of just seen the person that was just round. Fok sake😠 My mum is saying I'm threatning her because shes saying shes going to ring the hospital I was in I said to her that if she does that I'll never speak to her again and she said it dosent matter she'll do anything to keep me safe but a hospital I was an inpatient at before arent going to do anything now I'm discharged from them!
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Heya hope they help you tonight. I struggle alone, every single night without meds so know is a struggle. But hope you can stay safe til they come. Take care and keep us updated on how youre getting on if youd like. were listening 🌸
    .
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Well it is wrong that we are without meds when we clearly need them. My voices and self harming are really really bad without meds. That has been clear this week. I doubt they'll get a dr to come and see me tonight. I'm so pissed off.
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Oh lostsense:(
    Do you have any interesting planned for the weekend?
    .
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    I'm meant to be going to my mums in the morning for bank Holiday weekend but I've told them I'm not going because now I have to stay in incase a female clinicion from the crisis team does come round in the morning + I often shout out randomly what the voices say and I dont want my family to see that or the state of my arm from the last couple of days. So a few reasons I'm not going tomorrow morning. How about you?
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Thank god crisis team just called again the dr is coming with a female horrraaah!!
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Your family could be supportive?. But i hope you manage to keep safe

    How did the doctor visit go?
    .
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    No they wont not with self harm. They've just gone. I through salt over the dr and he was a devil. He told me not to do it again and said it was assult😐 he wasent very nice! They watched me take promethazine just while they was here and going to come and see me everyday until Tuesday because I'm seeing my cpn on Tuesday. Idk what will happen after Tuesday yet. So I've got to stay here over the weekend😔 There going to bring me promethazine everyday and are starting me on a new antipsychotic tomorrow which they'll bring that everyday too! Saves me instead of going back into hospital, thank god!!
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    I had a call from the crisis team at 11:30am this morning saying they'de come after 1pm they just called again to say an emergancy has come up but they havent forgotten and she'll call me when there leaving the office. About 10minutes ago I had a voice that said I dont want to live. I went to the high st this morning, I was only gone an hour and I was waiting for a taxi looking around and the voices just kept saying 'there all devils' 'all of them are devils' luckily then my taxi just came. Although one positive is that I havent self harmed yet today evan though I'm wanting to again now😔 I think I'm fine one minute because I havent heard any voices for an hour and I'm asking if the voices are still there or I havent self harmed for an hour ect then I'm completley not fine at all the next minute😔 The voices we're making me laugh when I got back from the high st and now they are being evil again😭 back to calling me a murderer. They are so damn unpredictive and I think they have bipolar not ME😠
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    She just called saying they'll be here at 5pm but I thought I'de ask are they bringing me my meds because I dont wana go without anything. I need some meds! (I'm glad I did as she wasent aware she was meant to be bringing me any meds!) So she said she'll call the dr now that I saw lastnight. Fok sake so I bet now I'm not going to start this new anti psychotic that I was meant to start today!😠 the crisis team said lastnight that who ever is going to come and see me today will bring me this new anti psychotic when they come today but the person who is coming wasent told this so I dont think I'm going to start it today now but I hope they bring me some Promethazine at least! If I wouldnt of asked she wouldnt of brought no meds because she didnt no she was meant to be! Down to them not communicating it that they are issuing me my meds aswell.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    They've been and gone. They was only here for 2 minutes and she said someone will be around again tomorrow. She did bring me my new antipsychotic thank god but they've said to take that in the mornings and Promethazine at night but I want to start the new antipsychotic tonight😔 I'll try just with the promethazine first tonight🤞 I hope these give me some relief and this new antipsychotic works really well on me. I want to start feeling better
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    I really wana kill myself😔
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    :( has anything got you feeling like you want to kill yourself?

    Its great to hear you want to start feeling better and that youre trying meds and all that. Your optimism shows some hope ? :) Have you had anytime to enjoy the sunny weather this weekend? 🙃Or done anything you have enjoyed a bit?
    .
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    The voices tell me to kill myself and when I cant cope with them, I want to. No, I have stayed in my pjammas in my room all day today but the crisis team are coming between 7pm and 8pm today so very soon. I need to tell them how bad I have been feeling today but I know it will just automatically come out that I've been fine but I'll try not to say those words 'I'm fine'. I hope they stay a bit longer than they did yesterday😞 I find if people give me time I'll have more time to say I'm not actually fine. I'm fine is just the first thing that comes out. I dont know if I am getting picked up later on after the crisis team have been or possibly in the morning and going down my mums for the night/for the day tomorrow. I need to ask the crisis team if they can come later again tomorrow because if there coming at 1pm tomorrow theres no point in going down to my mums + I'm a bit like should I go /shouldnt I go because I have self harmed today a few times so I'll have to wear long sleeves down and a dressing gown to bed tonight and she's just going to know. I dont want her to know so I dont know what to do!! But going down will break down the day a bit tomorrow and will make me feel less lonely but they'll also see that I'm poorly. I'm 50/50 I'll let someone else decide. No I havent done anything I have enjoyed. What have you been up to?
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Ah it is really hard to not say “im fine” and hard to open up. But think about how you will feel after if you dont cause you may regret it not saying how youre actully feeling. So they can help you the best they can. Hope goes how youd like/imagine.

    Your mum may know about your self harm. But i remmeber you saying that she wants to do everything she can to keep you say- which maybe sounds like shes supportive to you and actually really cares.? And always good to be around people who care

    Ah sadly ive just been at work for my weekend😒

    Hope you feel bit better v soon! I care :). & hope you keep doing your very best to ignore the vioces that tell you to kill yourself
    .
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    The crisis team have been and gone. Gosh they don't stay long!! I'm not going down to my mums tonight because I cant get a lift and I cant be assed just to go for the day tomorrow. I've only got tonight and tomorrow to go and then I'm having a meeting on Tuesday with the crisis team and my cpn so 🤞 I'll be alright.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    What a shit meeting that was. Crisis team man was only here for 5minutes. They dont think I need the home treatment team so thats it. I'm so fucking angry I just through a glass at my window and the glass has just shattered into pieces on my bedroom floor!! I'm so angry. My mum is pissing me off aswell. Grrrrr
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Staff have just cleaned it up. They said they had to and someone is going to come back in half an hour to board it but I dont like letting them all in because there all devils. They took a picture of my wall that says devils all over it and took a picture of something else not realising that I noticed that I saw them taking the pictures 😠 who are they going to show them to!
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Well that was fucking pointless😂 came to a place of safety for like half an hour and now been discharged to go and kill myself👍
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Heya lost sense.
    I cant really see from those pictures but im Glad someone cleaned it up.
    Can you go to the place if safety again or do you have anyone you could call or did the crisis team make a crisis plan with you that you can follow rn?

    🤗😊🌸
    .
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Thats it now I'm not contacting the crisis team nor 111 again. Infact anyone. It really does make me want to kill myself evan more!
  • ShaunieShaunie 🌸 Posts: 12,792 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Im here if you want a lil chat. Was it Mind you went to? Ive been to one before when ive contacted 111 and was somewhat helpful. But i guess sometimes its not. Doesnt mean to never contact again.

    Do you have any meds to calm you down rn?
    .
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