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Complusions

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
in Health & Wellbeing
Does anyone else have any complusions? I wasent sure what they were so I googled it and it said 2 things 'an irresistible urge/need to behave in a certain way' or 'action or state of forcing or being forced to do something; constraint'. Like for me I will give you some of my examples when I self harm I feel the need to self harm twice so say I do it on my leg I will do it on my arm too. So I guess that is a compulsion, right? so most of the time I am self harming twice at the same time at least sometimes more because when I am counting I have the need to self harm the amount of numbers my brain reads, also. Also atm I am getting this really strong need to draw on my wall (not saying to much detail here) but yeah its got to be on my wall in a certain way using something,. Like there is no other way. I am trying to avoid it because the staff would probably tell me off! But I dont know if I will be able to resiste it in the near future..the need is so strong. I feel like it might uncover something. Another need 'complusion' I have is if something isnt straight I have to move it so it is straight. Does anyone have things similar?
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Lostsense

    It sounds like these compulsions are really affecting your life right now. I haven't experienced any compulsions personally, but if you think these are getting in the way of your normal life, it may be worth talking to your gp to get access to some kind of counselling or formal therapy. You could also try looking up some self-referral counselling services if you don't feel comfortable talking to your gp.

    It can be really nerve-racking to tell someone about what's going on, but it's really important to have a support network there for you if you do hit crisis point. Are their any friends or family you could talk to?

    This article about OCD is pretty helpful too http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/anxiety-ocd-and-phobias/do-i-have-ocd-5823.html

    You can always use the online chat or helpline 0808 808 4994 here at the mix if you want some advice.

    I hope this helps :heart:

    Tash

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 64 Boards Initiate
    Hi LostSense,

    I'm sorry you're having these compulsions and it sounds like they're really affecting your daily life right now. Maybe you can speak to your GP about it they'll give you the right support and help you need to deal with what you're going through, would that be something that you're comfortable with? But for the meantime, Mind is also a good website with helpful information on how to go about dealing with self-harm, they have helplines if the urges are getting too strong and they have some self help tips.

    Let us know how you get on!

    -Nish :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Stalin's Organist Posts: 13,324 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Lots of us have compulsions, the straightening things and doing things in twos is fairly normal! As has been said above, the self harming might be something to seek help with. Your drawing compulsion though, I think I know what you are referring to! Are you dealing with a fairly servere event that occured to you? You should find a better outlet for this I think, or someone to talk it over with you can trust. This won't help, I don't think, and you should find a person to talk it over with and let theae feeling out in another manner. I May be wrong but it just reminds me of someone I knew before doing something similar.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Hello all..thanks for your replies.

    No I dont have any family or friends that I can talk to. Thanks for the link Tash I will defo have a look soon, I know I have some form of OCD on top of everything else.

    I wouldnt talk to my gp at my surgery as I am with CAMHS so it would be something I speak to my Care Co-ordinator about but I only see her every 3weeks and about the wall thing I will only tell her face2face so will have to wait until next Monday when I see her but I am scared too..

    What do you mean am I dealing with a severe event?

    I know how the need to paint on my wall co-links with my voices. My voices tell me to hurt specific people and they want me to paint them on my wall. Okay I said it.. so they are basically saying they want me to murder these people. I know its very disturbing 😞 that is my liffee.

    My severe event didnt include these specific people at all. What happened to me has nothing to do with this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi @Lostsense,

    How are you getting on? Sounds like a confusing time with these compulsions impacting your daily life. Have you spoken to your Care Coordinator at CAMHS about the more extreme compulsions you are getting? Are you talking to them about your self harm too? If not it could be a good place to start in a safe environment. Sending hugs *hug*

    - Lucy
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Having a really really bad night. Self harmed and got nothing to help me sleep. Things are breaking and I'm loosing control. No, I havent talked to my Care Co-ordinator yet as I havent seen her, I only see her once every 3weeks. She knows about the need I get to self harm twice as I told her this but she dosent know about the wall thing yet. I (think) I am seeing her on Monday (a week today) I say I think as she said she sent a letter out 2weeks ago with my appointment on but I havent recived it so then I feel like our appointment isnt real if you know what I mean because I havent had the letter? Although she has verbally said it also the appointment wasent on there system when I called up last week which I think it should be 😞 I think she is off this week and I have been calling up a lot since I last saw her 2weeks ago to try and sort out other things so I'm not calling up again this week. I'll just call at 9:15am ish on Monday to confirm as my appointment she verbalised to me is at 10am. I was meant to see the dr tomorrow but I cancelled due to finding out my Care Co-ordinator isnt in this week so she cant be in the meeting with me and the dr too and I would like her to be but because she isnt in I cant find out if another date to see her and the dr has been made. I told her that the voices go on about harming these specific people so I am scared to tell her now that they want me to draw these specific people on my wall as I have these voices so they are saying to me they want me murder these specific people? I think they might section me 😐 so I am not sure whether to keep the wall part to just on here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I got qoted £375 for a one time apppintment with a psychiatrist today that I could have on Saturday! As I am thinking about going private but that is ridiculous 😆
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi @Lostsense

    £375!!! That is ridiculous! Did you have your appointment today and if so did you share everything? Hope you have got on alright this week *hug*

    - Lucy :rainbow:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I know right!😆 yep, I saw my Care Co-ordinator yesterday but I didnt get to speak to her that much as I asked if I could have some Ativan (Lorazepam) so she was out of the room a lot to get one of the drs to write me a prescription and she asked me to wait in the waiting room and then she had to do some physical examinations on me so she put me back in the waiting room to wait untill the clinical room was free so we was all over the place yesterday lol. She said yesterday she would call me by 4pm today to arrange our next appointment and to arrange an appointment with me, her and the dr but its nearly 4pm and she hassnt..no surprise really😤 I dont know how much more she can keep appologising for all this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Just ridiculous. Glad you got to see your care co-ordinator, did you get to speak to her about your compulsions at all or are you feeling like doing that next time - as it sounds like it was a bit hectic!? How are the compulsions - has anything changed? I hope you get the time you need with her soon.

    Take care *hug*
    - Lucy
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Hm yeah it was a bit hectic when I saw her last Monday she alredy knows the voices tell me to harm specific people but I did briefly tell her last Monday that they now want me to paint it on my wall she either wasent bothered or wasent concentrating. As she didnt go into further about it so 🖕 to her, I have told her that this is now what they want me to do so no-one cant say I havent told anyone on my outside world. I also told My support worker on Friday she said its because they now want me to see it and she is right she didnt do anything though my friend said if she was my support worker she would of been on the phone to the crisis team but obviously that means people cant be that concerned. It has been a really bad week since I saw my Care Co last Monday. Tuesday night last week I was in A&E for a really bad migraine. Tonight I have vomited blood which I never have vomited blood before. My voices have been pretty bad. I self harmed lastnight and today and wrote the words on my wall what they wanted me to write and this is just the start, I know it is. So yeah things have changed the complusions havent been great at all. Also I have built a very toxic friendship with one of the other ladies in the house I have no idea what to do about😞 I'm not very well. So yeah lots of shit has been going on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I didnt open my door at at all on Tuesday (the 6th) so my support worker called my CAMHS my Care co-ordinator wasent in so her collegue came they were both talking to me behind my bedroom door because my voices were telling me not to let them in. I let my support worker in but I was not with it at all I think I scared her she went out my room and called an ambulance I was fine physically but I was curled up in a ball on my bed saying "go away go away" they was all trying to get me to sit up while they was all doing that I accidently hurt the paramedic then they went and my support worker went but the housing manager came and also my Care Co-ordinators college stayed until the crisis team came I was assessed and placed on a section 54 'wait on hold and transport to hospital I think' (I'm not sure what a section 54 means) but now I''m on a section 2 in chesire prioiry I've been here 1 week tomorrow now and I have been on 121 obvs all the time. I am dying to come off them!! They are trying to get me someone where closer to home and an all female ward But I dont think I need that. I think I am okay to go home now. I wouldnt take my meds the other day and I was 'agrressive' so they injected me with something, I dont know what. They used a floated thing to restrine me. I'll end up throwing furniture through the windows soon cause on 121 you dont get access leave.😠
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,577 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Lostsense,

    Just a heads up that we've removed some of the more graphic detail from this last post. It's important we focus on feelings over physical descriptions when talking about things like self-harm. :yes:

    Goes without saying, but it sounds like you've had a pretty crappy time of it recently huh? :( I won't claim to understand what it's like to be where you are, but being somewhere you really don't want to be never feels good. I presume a 1-2-1 observation means someone is always there to check how you are?

    Reading your post, I get the feeling there's a bit of a disconnect between you and your support workers - like you feel they're not quite understanding you? Relationships with people who support us tend to work best when we're honest and open, and when there's good communication on both sides. That way, they get an understanding of how we're feeling and we can understand a bit more about what they're trying to do for us (like what section 54 means, what they injected you with, etc.). Both of which can help us get the help we really need. :yes:

    Is there someone there you feel able to speak to? Have you had a chance to chat to anyone about what you feel you need?

    Really glad you're using the boards to get this stuff off your chest - it's good to have vent. Keep hanging in there - you got this. *hug*
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    It means someone is always following me around the ward and sits outside my room when I am in my room.

    Some of my 121 people I feel I can speak to others not. Some of the staff in the ward I feel better speaking with others to or not.

    I told my consultant what I needed and he didnt listen. It's ward round today so I have seen him this morning He asked me to have a shower and change and I said no not until I am off my 121 obvs. I was hoping for a med change and at least off my 121s today😠

    I am going to lose my shit again because I really need to self harm.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Hey lost sense
    Don’t have much to say but sounds like you’re going through such a hard time but we’re all here,listening. I hope ward round goes as well as it can today and that you get listened to in it. Maybe try to be as much open as you can about what’s going on.
    Take care
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I went into the OT searching through the cuboards for something to harm myself with, but I dont really want to do it exactly infront of anyone but I will if I have to+ they said I need to keep my hands above my covers when I'm lying in bed so I cant really harm anytime soon but I have a safety net that it is with me. There a bit funny about letting me have it or not. For the 'safety of other patients in the ward' all they seem to care about is the other patients😠
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Hey lostsense
    Don’t mean to sound patronising or tell you stuff you’ve already heard but have you got anything to distract you from your thoughts of self harm? Any groups you can go to there like art therapy?

    They’re just there to help and care about all patients. But you gotta let them help you and work with them
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I hope from this they realise I will always find something. I'm keeping this with me! And she is on my 121 obvs now aswell until 7pm (hopefully)😠 I wana kick her teeth. I dont want her to be on my 121 obvs again and I will be warning the nursing staff tomorrow they better not put her on my 121 obvs again! There not trying to help me, they are making things worse for me.

    Yeah I have tried everything else to distract me from self harm. You can do art when you want here but I have started painting on my wall and been to a psychosis group this afternoon too so I have been pretty active. Just pissed me off that she took my safety net away while I went to the toilet and now she is pretending like I am going to be fine with her. She is a horrible lady you can just tell.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I am so fucking pissed off. I have been transferred to a female ward today as planned as we all thought a female one would be better because I was raped in 2015 but they have put me on frigin male 121 obvs. What is the sense in that!! Why is a male still sat there!! + my door is wide open so all the females can look in aswell😡 I'm not going for a poo while a man is just outside my room its giving me belly ache holding it in, I might aswell poo in my bed and certainly not showering while I am being watched. I had females on my 121 obvs on the mixed ward evan though it was mixed. So far the mixed one is better. The girls are soooo noisy!!😠 and no-one has shown me where the drinks are surely you can access drinks from somewhere in the ward for if you dont have access to go outside of the ward! I am so thirsty! Why the fuck is it acceptable after what I have been through for a man to sit outside my door ffs its annoying me so much! And I told the nurse I met earlier too.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    That’s thoughtless of them. I hope you get some privacy soon! Keep asking tiL you get female maybe, hopefully male is off his shift soon and you get a female 121.. Would you be more comfortable going toilet if was female outside?There should definitely be access to water if ask them.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I know! Dosent make sense to me moving me to a female ward but then putting me on male 121 obvs! I think they get the gist now that I need females on my 121s. They are forcing me to go for a shower ughh they said I have to keep talking or my 121 person will check on me. I still dont feel comfortable going to the toilet evan with a female outside my room especially having a poo! I got some water lastnight but someone else got it for me so I dont know where they got it from lol.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Totally understand. Think I’d feel uncomfortable going for a poo when someone’s outside waiting ahah. Maybe tell them that’s how you feel. But don’t think they they find it uncomfortable at all and are used to all sorts

    Take care of yourself lostsense, hope all improves for you soon!💕
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Thanks Shaunie💜
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Omg yaaaas!! I'm off 121 obvs now! I can have a poo in peace 🤣
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    They have only taken me of my 121 obvs because a new patient has came into this ward 😂 they havent got the staff to have 2 patients on 121 obvs.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Aha that’s good. You get some privacy, hope you can stay safe though?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Well I havent had a fag for 2 weeks because I have been too poorly but some reason I have been craving one this afternoon/evening but because I have only just come of 121 obvs today I havent got any leave yet and to have a fag you have to go outside the main entrance because of the new smoking regulations the garden is classed as there property. Going out for a fag outside the main entrance is classed as leave so they wont let me go for one until/if the dr writes me up some leave tomorrow but I'm getting aggressive and aggitatated now because I cant have one. There isnt much to smash in this ward like there was the other ward I was on. So I have self harmed with what I have but I still need a cig 😖
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey Lostsense, sounds like it could be a slightly better day today as you got your privacy back :yippe:. Are you feeling any better?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    The reason they took me of 121 obvs is because I have lied to them to get me home quicker. I cant wait to self harm properly! + a new patient has come in and it looks like she will be on 121 obvs. There isnt enough staff here to have 2 people on 121 obvs. Ive just had my night time meds and something else to calm me down dont know what the hell it was though 😂 but it tastes minty in my mouth now 🤔 hahaha
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    They have done a room search. my frustration is way up high right now😠 these are the times that I hate people asking me if I am okay. 1)I need a cigeratte, I havent had one for 2weeks and 2)They have taken my cd piece that I broke so NO I am fucking NOT okay!
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