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I don't know

2

Comments

  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Postholic
    That sounds really overwhelming ella. Did you manage to book a GP appointment in the end?

    I hope things are easier today. How was meeting your boyfriend's family on Friday?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, there weren't any appointments available.

    Meeting his family went well. My boyfriend has a young niece and we had to babysit her. She's at the age where she's taking first steps and saying lots of new words. Really hit home that I never got that with Isla. I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn't Isla.

    Staying with a close friend for a few days. I am so ashamed that yet again she's seeing me this unwell and having to deal with me crying for hours. I hate that it falls to her to physically hold me so I feel safe.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Such intense thoughts. Just want to slice myself again and again.
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Postholic
    I'm glad meeting your boyfriend's family went well ella. Although it must have been difficult when being with his niece brought up thoughts of Isla.

    It can be tough relying on people sometimes - it's easy to feel like a burden, but your friend sounds really supportive. Do you find things slightly better when you're with someone than when you're alone?

    Do you have any other sources of support at the moment?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It depends on who it is, but in the case of this person, yes being with her made things better. I'm now back home and have repeatedly destroyed myself. I'm alone and so scared.

    No, I don't have any other sources of support. I can't see a way out of this, other than the way linked to the plans.
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Postholic
    That sounds really frightening ella. Does it feel like you can't trust your own mind at the moment?

    It might not help much hearing this, but you do have the strength to get though it, as you have done before. We believe you can do it, and are here to support you in any way we can :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't trust my mind or myself.

    Found out today that university have "lost" my mitigating circumstances form and all my medical evidence. I now don't have any extensions because there is no "proof", meaning my dissertation is due in under three weeks. I'm on track to get a first but there is no way I can achieve that if I have to hand in my dissertation as things currently are. More to the point, a very detailed letter about my health has been lost. I feel let down, I have written and submitted assignments in hospital previously, because I refused to have extra time- the one time I accept the additional time this happens. I have worked so damn hard and I'm questioning what for. University was the one thing I was able to admit to being good at and to now be in a situation where coming out with a first is unlikely is crap.

    I'm in a catch 22 place about my weight. It's getting lower and with that I am feeling more and more ill. The majority of my clothes are too big which makes me feel great but I'm trapped in the cycle of reaching my goal weight and it still not being enough. And yet again, I have begged for help but nothing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are you feeling up to making a formal, written complaint to your university?

    Can your tutor help?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Quite a few people have suggested similar, so I think that's my next option. My tutor was the one who told me, via email yesterday. She "hopes" the letter will turn up, but there seems to be a bit of passing the blame going on and refusal to comment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am so broken.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are beautiful, you are kind, you are smart, you are amazing and I love you.

    You can do this ells and I'm here every step of the way :heart: *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are beautiful, you are kind, you are smart, you are amazing and I love you.

    You can do this ells and I'm here every step of the way :heart: *hug*

    I'd echo all of those things ella. You're stronger than you think, even when things are really really hard, you've found your way through time and time again. You must be tired but we can support you to keep going *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't carry on like this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My friends are all in the student union celebrating dissertation hand in day. I'm sat in a&e in a sobbing mess, unable to speak because I don't feel safe enough.
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Postholic
    Really sorry to hear things were bad last week ella.
    How are they now? Do you feel any safer?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not really. I ended up in hospital, things were looking more hopeful in terms of a referral to mental health services. The team rang me yesterday and said they won't be taking me on. Reinforced how worthless I feel.

    I haven't slept, been battling thoughts and voices all night. Acted on some. Things can't carry on like this. When it's light I'm going to have to go back to hospital because I'm not managing. I can't carry on sobbing all the time, feeling this unsafe, wrecking my body how I have, experiencing psychosis like I am. But realistically it will be the same as before.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just going to say this again even if you are getting sick of hearing it.

    You have so much worth. You're smart, kind, funny, loving and when you eventually get through this, you'll add to those amazing qualities that make you the person you are today and we love that person :yes: and also you'll eventually learn to accept that love as normality.

    You're still trying and that proves just how strong you are. You hate the hospital yet you're choosing to go, and before you try and turn that into a negative, please don't. I'm proud of you, so so proud as I'm sure everyone else here is and we're all going to keep trying to help pull you through this and ease that pain as much as we can.

    I love you, never forget that :heart: *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm done. Everything points to how worthless I am.m
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are not worthless.

    You make me smile. You have kept me going when I didn't want to. You love people and care about them. You have a beautiful heart and I don't think I know what I'd do without you.

    You are strong. You are smart. You are kind and loving. You are a fighter. You are my owly.

    Remember, I'm always here xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can do this, you're so much stronger than you think and you can get through this. I love you. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm evil.

    I'm damaged goods and I'm broken. But I'm breaking everyone else too :crying:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm the only person who sees things as they are.

    Need/want to run.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Where would you run to?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sending you hugs Ella xx


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Where would you run to?

    I don't know.


    Hospital appointment this morning. Full of bad news about my physical health. I knew it was going to be bad, but not this bad. As things were, I was struggling a lot. Physically and mentally I am very broken.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been trying to contact the crisis team since about 6ish. No answer. Things are getting steadily worse, thoughts are overwhelming.
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Postholic
    Hey ella,

    Sorry to hear things were so bad last night. Did you manage to contact them in the end?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No. Paramedics were called.

    Wish everything last night had done what I had intended it to do.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    Oh ella. I know you mentioned your back last night in chat and it was hard to have a proper conversation given how busy it was which was hard, can you tell us a bit more about what this means in terms of disability - is it related to ongoing pain or more around not being as able as you'd like to be?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wasn't aware that I had a problem with my back until my physio and consultant discovered it. The lower spinal disks have swollen badly meaning the nerves are compressed. The swelling is having an impact on the alignment of my pelvis and the nerves going down my legs. The upper disks towards my neck are also swollen. The middle bit of my spine has suffered as a result and the swelling from both ends has caused the middle bit of spine to bend. I'm now in a wait and see position because nothing more can be done with my hips until my back is in a better position. My physio has warned me that the pain is likely to get worse before it gets better. I'm used to the pain, sort of, I guess being told that something else is wrong has upset me, because I have more or less adjusted to how my legs are.

    I think maybe this news has come at a very bad time, when I'm already feeling very low and unstable. Voices and hallucinations are getting worse and I'm scared. A referral to the CMHT has finally been made, after the numerous times I've ended up in hospital recently, but I'm in limbo until I hear anything and stuck with a crisis line which doesn't serve a purpose because no one answers. I'm struggling to work out what's real and what the voices are making me believe, which is leading to bad paranoia. I hate who and what I am. People are trying to pretend, but I know they don't like me either.
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