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I hope things are easier today. How was meeting your boyfriend's family on Friday?
Meeting his family went well. My boyfriend has a young niece and we had to babysit her. She's at the age where she's taking first steps and saying lots of new words. Really hit home that I never got that with Isla. I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn't Isla.
Staying with a close friend for a few days. I am so ashamed that yet again she's seeing me this unwell and having to deal with me crying for hours. I hate that it falls to her to physically hold me so I feel safe.
It can be tough relying on people sometimes - it's easy to feel like a burden, but your friend sounds really supportive. Do you find things slightly better when you're with someone than when you're alone?
Do you have any other sources of support at the moment?
No, I don't have any other sources of support. I can't see a way out of this, other than the way linked to the plans.
It might not help much hearing this, but you do have the strength to get though it, as you have done before. We believe you can do it, and are here to support you in any way we can
Found out today that university have "lost" my mitigating circumstances form and all my medical evidence. I now don't have any extensions because there is no "proof", meaning my dissertation is due in under three weeks. I'm on track to get a first but there is no way I can achieve that if I have to hand in my dissertation as things currently are. More to the point, a very detailed letter about my health has been lost. I feel let down, I have written and submitted assignments in hospital previously, because I refused to have extra time- the one time I accept the additional time this happens. I have worked so damn hard and I'm questioning what for. University was the one thing I was able to admit to being good at and to now be in a situation where coming out with a first is unlikely is crap.
I'm in a catch 22 place about my weight. It's getting lower and with that I am feeling more and more ill. The majority of my clothes are too big which makes me feel great but I'm trapped in the cycle of reaching my goal weight and it still not being enough. And yet again, I have begged for help but nothing.
Can your tutor help?
You can do this ells and I'm here every step of the way *hug*
I'd echo all of those things ella. You're stronger than you think, even when things are really really hard, you've found your way through time and time again. You must be tired but we can support you to keep going *hug*
How are they now? Do you feel any safer?
I haven't slept, been battling thoughts and voices all night. Acted on some. Things can't carry on like this. When it's light I'm going to have to go back to hospital because I'm not managing. I can't carry on sobbing all the time, feeling this unsafe, wrecking my body how I have, experiencing psychosis like I am. But realistically it will be the same as before.
You have so much worth. You're smart, kind, funny, loving and when you eventually get through this, you'll add to those amazing qualities that make you the person you are today and we love that person :yes: and also you'll eventually learn to accept that love as normality.
You're still trying and that proves just how strong you are. You hate the hospital yet you're choosing to go, and before you try and turn that into a negative, please don't. I'm proud of you, so so proud as I'm sure everyone else here is and we're all going to keep trying to help pull you through this and ease that pain as much as we can.
I love you, never forget that *hug*
You make me smile. You have kept me going when I didn't want to. You love people and care about them. You have a beautiful heart and I don't think I know what I'd do without you.
You are strong. You are smart. You are kind and loving. You are a fighter. You are my owly.
Remember, I'm always here xx
I'm damaged goods and I'm broken. But I'm breaking everyone else too :crying:
Need/want to run.
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I don't know.
Hospital appointment this morning. Full of bad news about my physical health. I knew it was going to be bad, but not this bad. As things were, I was struggling a lot. Physically and mentally I am very broken.
Sorry to hear things were so bad last night. Did you manage to contact them in the end?
Wish everything last night had done what I had intended it to do.
I think maybe this news has come at a very bad time, when I'm already feeling very low and unstable. Voices and hallucinations are getting worse and I'm scared. A referral to the CMHT has finally been made, after the numerous times I've ended up in hospital recently, but I'm in limbo until I hear anything and stuck with a crisis line which doesn't serve a purpose because no one answers. I'm struggling to work out what's real and what the voices are making me believe, which is leading to bad paranoia. I hate who and what I am. People are trying to pretend, but I know they don't like me either.