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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I don't really know where to start. I actually feel scared at the thought of posting this. I don't know how I always end up feeling like this. Not when I don't deserve to when other people are going through so much more. I've never really been myself since my Dad's death. I feel like I've stopped grieving for him and started grieving for the person who I used to be. The day my Dad died, is the day I changed forever and I don't like this new me. I used to be happy and content. Now I've lost a parent, a grandparent, my house, my cat (who was rehomed after having owned her for 17 years), the security of having two parents, my role within the family and relationships with other family members have broken down because they blame me for my Dad's death. But I will never get closure because I will never know why he did it.
I'm angry with my family. I have fought my own beliefs that I was in someway responsible to stop me from driving myself mad. But they blame me and I no longer know if they are right or if I am right? I'm angry at their selfishness. I never really knew how selfish they were until now. No-one helps me or helps me to look out for my Mum who is finding it difficult to cope on her own. Suddenly it is all my responsibility and I feel trapped and frustrated by the whole situation.
I want to escape this situation but more than that; I want to escape my own mind. Knowing I caused his death and put my family in this situation is something I struggle to cope with. I have to live knowing he died thinking I didn't care and that I was angry with him. How can I ever live with the image I have in my head of the disappointment/hurt/anger in his face the last time I looked at him. He was pleading to be listened to and I didn't. It is a mistake I have to live with for the rest of my life. How can I do that? I did it. I caused him to do what he did and I don't know how I will ever get over it. I miss him so much. I would give up my own life just to be able to talk to him last one time to tell him that I did care and that I wasn't angry.
I punish myself in ways I never thought I would. Since his death I have suffered with anxiety/depressed/suicidal feelings. But these are all things I deserve to feel because now I understand how he felt when he said he couldn't live like this anymore and no-one would help him; because now no-one can help me. But I don't deserve help because I'm paying the consequences for my own actions. But it isn't just the emotional stuff. I punish myself physically too because I deserve to feel pain. But I don't want to. But I don't know how to stop. Because feeling something is better than feeling numb. I prevent people from becoming close as friends or even in the sense of a proper relationship because I don't trust people anymore. Yet, at the same time I've fallen in love with one of my male best friends but I will never tell him because why screw up his life like I screwed up my own and I don't deserve someone like him. Someone who is funny and kind and caring. Someone who has seen me at my worst yet doesn't want to run away but wants to help. But I will never deserve a relationship with someone like him. He deserves better and he can do better. I will never be good enough for him.
The stress of doing my final year retakes over the summer is becoming overwhelming. I can't afford to mess these exams/assignments up again because second chances don't happen all that often. But I don't know if I can do it. I'm not good enough.
I hate myself - in every way. I shouldn't be posting this because I deserve to feel this way.
I'm angry with my family. I have fought my own beliefs that I was in someway responsible to stop me from driving myself mad. But they blame me and I no longer know if they are right or if I am right? I'm angry at their selfishness. I never really knew how selfish they were until now. No-one helps me or helps me to look out for my Mum who is finding it difficult to cope on her own. Suddenly it is all my responsibility and I feel trapped and frustrated by the whole situation.
I want to escape this situation but more than that; I want to escape my own mind. Knowing I caused his death and put my family in this situation is something I struggle to cope with. I have to live knowing he died thinking I didn't care and that I was angry with him. How can I ever live with the image I have in my head of the disappointment/hurt/anger in his face the last time I looked at him. He was pleading to be listened to and I didn't. It is a mistake I have to live with for the rest of my life. How can I do that? I did it. I caused him to do what he did and I don't know how I will ever get over it. I miss him so much. I would give up my own life just to be able to talk to him last one time to tell him that I did care and that I wasn't angry.
I punish myself in ways I never thought I would. Since his death I have suffered with anxiety/depressed/suicidal feelings. But these are all things I deserve to feel because now I understand how he felt when he said he couldn't live like this anymore and no-one would help him; because now no-one can help me. But I don't deserve help because I'm paying the consequences for my own actions. But it isn't just the emotional stuff. I punish myself physically too because I deserve to feel pain. But I don't want to. But I don't know how to stop. Because feeling something is better than feeling numb. I prevent people from becoming close as friends or even in the sense of a proper relationship because I don't trust people anymore. Yet, at the same time I've fallen in love with one of my male best friends but I will never tell him because why screw up his life like I screwed up my own and I don't deserve someone like him. Someone who is funny and kind and caring. Someone who has seen me at my worst yet doesn't want to run away but wants to help. But I will never deserve a relationship with someone like him. He deserves better and he can do better. I will never be good enough for him.
The stress of doing my final year retakes over the summer is becoming overwhelming. I can't afford to mess these exams/assignments up again because second chances don't happen all that often. But I don't know if I can do it. I'm not good enough.
I hate myself - in every way. I shouldn't be posting this because I deserve to feel this way.
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Comments
Hey hun,
I've read your post, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, but unless you physically killed him, it's not your fault! People do daft things for all sorts of reasons; even if he thought you were angry with him, that would not have been the sole reason for doing what he did.
I understand you're feeling depressed with your situation, but try flipping it around for a moment. You say you're feeling suicidal: how do you think the people around you would feel if you took your own life? They'd blame themselves and put themselves into the position that YOU are in now. You have to be strong and try to move forwards, perhaps with professional help if you think you would benefit.
If you would like to talk things through, you could always message me and I'll try and help as much as I can
FrogsandRainbows.X
I'm sorry to hear you were scared to post this - but it's good you were able to open up and express everything that's been bottling up... I really hope that writing it all down has eased some of the pain and pressure.
Your description of how your place in the family has changed is probably one that many people can identify with after the death of a loved one. It's often the case that when one of the main pillars of the family goes, everyone else has to shift around until the balance feels right. That can take time, and there can be lots of bumps and problems along the way... the nature of your dad's death has obviously made it an even bumpier ride, but hopefully you'll all find a way to get along eventually.
It seems like a lot of things are causing you stress at the moment - your retakes, your family, the friend you like - and it can be harder to pick yourself up at times like this when you've also got grief to deal with. You say that you're punishing yourself, but the only way you can move on positively is to start being kind to yourself and believing in yourself. You're right to say your family are being selfish - they should know that your dad was his own person who made his own decisions... hopefully you know this deep down, even if it feels hard to accept it at times.
I'm sorry that I'm not offering much advice but one thing I do wonder is - is there anyone more positive that you can spend more time with for the time being? It sounds like your family are holding you back and like you need to be around people who can see the situation for what it really is. If there's any way you can put some space and time between you and your family it could help you find a way forwards.
Please keep posting here and letting us know how you're feeling... big hugs to you *hug**hug*
I don't know about believing it Spanner...I genuinely blame myself. I know I didn't physically give him the stuff and tell him to do it but I contributed to how he felt that day...and that constant image in my head of how he looked...what was I thinking by just ignoring him...I am such an idiot.
I have no time to be around other people - I am at home constantly because of all the uni work I have to do in such a short space of time. I also couldn't openly admit what I have here to people face to face because they don't understand and just try and talk me out of it, which makes me feel that how I feel is invalid/crazy.
Is there anywhere else you can do your uniwork? Public library maybe? Also, sometimes universities have recipricol library arrangements (Especially for remote students) where you can use the library of another local university to study/work. Not sure if that's practical or an option for you but could be worth considering.
Also - remember with the uni work how much progress you make when you're on a roll. So don't be afraid to take a break, take some time out for chilling, for junk tv, for time with friends and to give yourself time to recharge before hitting it again for another blitz. And yes, even on the time frame you're dealing with that could be a couple of days not just a couple of hours.
Although uni is a contributing factor it isn't really what's making me feel like this; rather that how I feel generally is having a knock on effect on uni as its knocking my self-confidence.
I have completed my first essay now so just the second one to go...I should be pleased but I keep reading it and telling myself it won't get a decent grade (which is what I need, to get a good grade overall) so why bother. But I know that's driven by the other stuff and how crap I feel, not necessarily by uni itself.
I don't know why but I always start feeling like this around an upcoming anniversary and I guess my family don't help because they feel it too.
It's good that you can splurge out the whole mountain here. It's a great starting point to be able to get yourself to the point where you feel like you can get a bit more control over your feelings and life again.
Anniversairies will always be hard. Some will be harder than others, and with it all still being very fresh it's not a surprise that things wobble a bit around certain times - especially as your family will be having a similar wobble. There's an arguement that says it's great - you can support each other however my experience is actually more that you end up winding each other up.
Give yourself some space. Spend time with friends. Try not to beat yourself up about your uni work and take things one step at a time.
p.s. It's definitely not your fault. I know you probably won't believe me - but it's not your fault.
:yes: We seem to rub each other up the wrong way because we are all so emotional. But there is an expectation for me to be fine and help everyone else and I can't do that. I don't think they truly know how I have felt (especially at my lowest) in the past 17-18 months. I know only I can tell them but I can't do it and I don't think it would make much difference if I did.
I'm trying to and I will keep making the effort to go out.
I know I'm a perfectionist. I know I give myself a hard time more than anyone else ever could. I can't explain it but I feel mentally trapped in a situation that no matter how many times I think I've come out the other side, something happens and I go straight back again.
I wish I could believe this because then maybe I wouldn't feel like I do at the moment. I have just watched Footballs Suicide Secret and Gary Speed's sister was saying how she never noticed how he felt but wished she had. I wish I could say the same. But I could see what was happening. I didn't envisage suicide...but I could sense this time was different. But I was so annoyed on that morning that I just wanted it to end. It did end. But I never wanted it to end in that way. The phrase "Be careful what you wish for" is so true :crying:
Xx
Well done with the bike ride! It doesn't matter if you didn't make it quite up to the top next time you can make it one cycle more and you will get there
You did better than what I could have done, I can't even walk up a hill without stopping!
Be proud that you went out and challenged yourself to get up that hill on the bike
purple_rain
Ahh that's crap Purple_roo! I hate it when ithat happens!
The kind of things that moving around might help with, or the kind that might need some medical input?
What have you got planned for the weekend?
They are on and off but I guess it's my fault so I'll put up with it.
I am working approx. 12 hours tomorrow, followed by a day of uni work on sunday...you?
Bite size chunks. Give yourself a break. Take some time out and look how far you've come.
Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk 2
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
I meant try taking some time out from everything. Yes, I realise you probably need to go to work - but are there any options for escapism afterwards? An evening of trashy films with a friend. A knitting project. A long bike ride out in the fresh air. A swim.
I can't remember exactly what you're into - but something that's relatively chilled and easy, probably out of the house and away from your relatives, away from the uni work and that's got a bit of a distraction.
You've been doing brilliantly in handling everything that life has thrown at you - you deserve to take some time out to look after yourself and have a bit of chill time (but knowing you, chill time that's got a bit of a distraction not that just gives you time to think).
Get some fresh air, a change of scenery, and muscles enough of a work out to help with sleeping rather than just having an overworked brain?
Sounds like you've got the perfect plan in mind though.
I am considering staying in and writing an essay plan so I feel like I have some idea of what I'm doing.
(And if it was anything vaguely constructive in anyway - then kudos to you. I spent Monday evening sat on my bed, feeling sorry for myself and demolished an entire tub of ben & jerrys).
Are you ok? I know you were worried about the move/job?
I am a mixture of really excited and terrified about the move and the new job. It's the kind of thing I think that I know will be ok in the long term, but in the short term there's going to be a lot of chaos, a lot of stress and a lot to learn. Sometimes I'm feeling confident and think this will all be awesome. Sometimes I'm really not and it scares me. Then I eat ice cream, because clearly that will help......