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Help? **Triggering**

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Please, I can't do this. I'm shaking and crying and I can't breathe properly and I can't do it anymore. I don't know what to do. I need help.
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Comments

  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hey WhiteLillies,

    It sounds like you might he having a panic attack possibly due to feeling overwhelmed with everything at the moment? Can you concentrate on your breathing for a little while?

    I'm here to listen if you want to share anything about how you're feeling at this point in time...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm just uncontrollably shaking and I feel sick. I'm just really fed up of everything. I don't want to be here anymore but I deserve all this because it's my fault he died so I should put up with this suffering because I deserve it.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Oh WL, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. What you're saying isn't true, it wasn't your fault - sometimes the pain of loss is so intense it plays with our heads and make us doubt ourselves and see things from a perspective where we're at the centre of things that have gone badly wrong. This is often us punishing ourselves for circumstances we wish we could change.

    It's possible that your Dad fell into a way of thinking that made him feel utter despair and that nothing would be OK, when our thought processes get trapped, its sadly the case that without being open to talk or to reason, we can't push away the most damaging thoughts.

    Have you bought any self-help books related to bereavement since your Dad died? Having something like a trusted book that you can turn to when you're having a crisis point can be comforting, because it can be hard to distract yourself from painful thoughts, but something like that can help you to untangle the knot in your head a bit.

    Have you got any herbal tea in the house?
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Also, its a chilly night so wrap yourself in something cozy if you haven't already...try to make yourself feel as comfortable as possible.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It was my fault. He told me and I didn't listen. It should be me that died not him. He had so much to give and I don't. I can't live like this any more.

    I've read a lot on bereavement by suicide. It was helpful at first but it never really gets across just how intense it feels.

    I'm in bed with a thick jumper and duvet but still shaking. I just want someone to make this go away? Please? :'(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No herbal tea either :-(
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    I know it feels like an impossibility right now, but in time it will go away, and when it does, you'll remember the people on TheSite who came out the other side and told you things would be OK.

    I know you've found music to help a little recently, have you got anything on now?

    Have you tried calling the Samaritans tonight?
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    No herbal tea either :-(

    Do you like it? I really like liquorice tea but that probably makes me a weirdo ;) camomile would probably be best for now so I'd recommend getting some in next day or so if you can.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am already really grateful to everyone on here. I would have given up on me by now. Well I already have. I need to stop planning my suicide in my head. Thank you for talking to me - especially so late.

    I had music on before but it didn't help and I've tried Reading as a distraction but I can't focus.

    I can't call them but I have sent them an email.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **helen** wrote: »
    Do you like it? I really like liquorice tea but that probably makes me a weirdo ;) camomile would probably be best for now so I'd recommend getting some in next day or so if you can.

    Lol not really...but I haven't had it in years so I might give it a go :)
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    No need to thank me, I'm talking to you because I believe in you - its really that simple *hug*

    I'm glad you've emailed Sams, aware that taking that next step to calling them is daunting, maybe its something we can talk about in a chat session with others sometime.

    Everytime the urge to think of a destructive plan comes into your head, try to replace it with something constructive:

    -Plan in your head something you'll bake
    -something to help others you'll create
    -A relationship that you'll celebrate
    -A building you'll renovate
    - A chance to learn more about those that you rate...

    There's so much you've yet to learn and experience, each thing allowing you to understand your current experience differently.

    Goodnight WL, breathe well
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would call them I just can't because the phone bill is checked and my mum would have heard me on the phone...definitely something to bring up in chat.

    That plan rhymes lol...I will try and think of it in future...it helps stop the constant flow of suicidal thoughts.

    Thanks for calming me down...good night, sleep well x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How is it even possible to wake up to another panic attack!?! I almost sent suicide notes by text and consumed a whole load of pills because I'm sick of this. I can't live with this feeling of constant fear. Doctors for me today then...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Panic attacks are horrible things. I wake up to them in the night sometimes. Hopefully the doctors will be able to help you, be honest with them about how you feel. How would you feel about going on medication? It might be worth mentioning to your doctor if you feel that's something that would help.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Doctors for me today then...

    *hug* Let us know how you get on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So glad to see that at the end of this thread you are going to the doctor's again today. Don't come away from there without feeling like you've got some practical help - but be aware that what they suggest might not be in your original ideas.

    Panic attacks are horrible, scary things, but they are temporary, and they are treatable.

    Helen has offered some amazing and practical advice in her posts here. She's also said some truths - we are still here and supporting you because we believe in you. Most of us have some experience of this to varying degrees, and we have got through it. We're here to remind you of that during the dark times.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Again, I couldn't see my GP so had a telephone appt instead - he suggested I make an actual appt with him next week and discussed breathing techniques and trying some herbal over the counter stuff like Kalms to see if that helps until next week.

    I feel extremely guilty about the fact that you are all supporting me so much...I should learn to just either get on with it or actually be successful at ending everything because it really isn't fair.

    Now I have to find an emergency dentist because I've pulled my tooth away from the gum and in agony and don't have a dentist :rolleyes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hospitals normally have an emergency dentist, might be worth going to A&E to ask.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hospitals normally have an emergency dentist, might be worth going to A&E to ask.

    Thanks B-A; I've just googled them and got the number for the out of hours dentist and will ring them when they open.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks B-A; I've just googled them and got the number for the out of hours dentist and will ring them when they open.

    Hope it gets sorted :) forgot to say in my last post, please don't feel guilty or anything about asking for help from us- or anyone else for that matter. We're all happy to give support as much as we can :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Echoing BA's post and what I've put in my PM. We are here supporting you because we want to - in many cases because we're grateful for the help we received when we genuinely needed it. Admittedly we don't know everything, but in our opinions you are genuinely in need of our help and support and we are prepared to give it to you.

    Grief does not behave how it is supposed to. (I think that's copyright Fiend, but I'm not sure). There is no "Should just get on with it and be normal". Yes, death happens every day, but this situation is not normal. It's not normal for people to lose their parents so young, it's not normal for it to be during suicide, it's not normal for the daughter to be supporting her parent following the death. But it is still possible to get through it. You just need a bit of help - but you also have to be willing to accept it.

    Do you remember the links and advice we gave you back in one of your other threads? Would you find any of them helpful at the moment?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you - I really appreciate it. :blush:

    I am trying on the "accepting help" thing - It's a pride thing and I think I'm slowly learning to accept it - it's just hard when I've been so independent. But I guess its like the "being nice to yourself" thing - I also need to work on that! I have no expectations from Cruse - I will go and just be as honest as I can be...

    Yep - I have some wellbeing podcasts saved to my favourites that I was sent in chat as well - I will use them - I have bought Kalms tablets as suggested - only reason I havent taken them yet is because I need an emergency dental appt and I didn't want to take them and then find I can't take any pain relief they can give me for my tooth! As soon as that is sorted, I'll take them :)

    Also read lots of things on the internet about coping with panic attacks and methods to get them under control, I have emailed Samaritans whenever I've felt the urge to do something stupid and I'm trying to make sure that I get an early night, etc because although I'm not sleeping well at least it means I'm resting.

    As I said to Helen - I've also read a lot on bereavement by suicide which has helped in terms of what to expect but doesn't ever really say how intense everything feels. I also need to work through the guilt I feel about it because thats literally eating away at me at the moment!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't want to do this anymore...I've officially decided that dying would be easier - talk about selfish. :crying:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is easier. Its up to you what kind of person you are. Give the samaritans a call, and stay strong
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    I don't want to do this anymore...I've officially decided that dying would be easier - talk about selfish. :crying:

    :heart: You're not being selfish for thinking that way. We're here for you hun. xx :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm too tired to struggle/keep going anymore. I'm on really strong medication and I just want to take the entire box in one go.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    Have you spoken to anyone? Any helplines, friends or anything?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Reena wrote: »
    Have you spoken to anyone? Any helplines, friends or anything?

    I emailed Samaritans - I can't call them...

    I don't think the tablets I'm taking are helping matters because of the side effects.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    How long have you been on them? They may need time to settle in your system.
    Would you be able to change them?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I emailed Samaritans - I can't call them...

    I don't think the tablets I'm taking are helping matters because of the side effects.

    Are you on mental health meds? What are you on and what dosage? Give me a PM if you don't want to post on the boards but it's something I've become a slight expert on now... been through quite a few of them.

    Normally it'll take 2 to 3 weeks for the meds to settle down, and then your side effects will lessen and the meds will start working.
    I will say though, it is not very likely you could kill yourself with mental health medication. You'll just get horrible side effects, so please don't try it. I ended up in hospital hooked up to an ECG machine because my heart beat wouldn't slow down. It's awful.

    Don't give up, you are a wonderful person with so much going for you. I know things are really difficult, but there are people who can help you through this :heart:
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