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Sexual assault
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Does anybody have any experience of what it was like to have sex after being sexually assaulted or acknowledging being sexually assaulted without realizing it had happened? If so, what was it like? Were there any organizations you contacted for help with the traumatic event? I'd really like some advice but clueless where to begin.
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For me sex has been difficult. I've had two relationships where sex was a part of that and whilst it was good sometimes it was also difficult at times. The most annoying thing was often my body wouldn't respond in the way I wanted it to. The first relationship I had the guy must have known I was a bit messed up when it came to sex as I used to cry (before, during and after the sex!) but I wasn't ready to talk about what had happened to me. The second relationship I told him what had happened to me before we had sex and he read that book as well and found it really helpful.
As for organisations, I am currently being helped by 'Into The Light', I'm doing a course there at the moment. We did a bit about having sex and I realised one of the things that has caused the most problems for me is sexual ambivalence - one minute wanting sex and the next not wanting sex, being hot then cold etc. My partner found this very rejecting, especially as I would often change my mind part way through penetration.
It's not all dome and gloom though, I have managed to have some good sex in my time. I think the key is finding a patient partner and being as honest as you can be.
One tip I got from my course is to keep your eyes open when you are kissing as you are much less likely to trigger a flashback and it helps you stay present.
I hope this helps.
I don't think that I'd ever have sex if I didn't actually want to do it but I can relate to what you've said entirely, sometimes I've been so confident that I want to do it, and decide just before, that I can't do it. It's upsetting sometimes, especially as I blame myself entirely for it, it just destroys any confidence I have. I've forgotten what it feels like physically to have sex too; maybe that's just weird?!
Books wise - there are soooo many. I swear by the Staci Haynes, but I find that working on the issues to do with the abuse naturally helps. For that it always helps to have a caring and understanding therapist, but I'm well aware thats not always possible. Courage to heal and the work book to go with it by Ellen bass and Laura Davis is pretty good (but seriously heafty!). The penny parks book is also good (rescuing the inner child). NAPAC have amazing information downloads, a brilliant helpline, and a huge database of support groups across the country. They are well worth giving a go!
I hope this helps!
Sorry to hear about how hard this has been for you. Being worried about eventually having sex is inevitably stressful and upsetting. It's a really good idea to post here as you can see some people have gone through similar feelings so remember you are not alone.
Having a look at our video on Help and support following a sexual assault and article on Surviving sexual assault could help.
Are you currently talking to anyone about this? Have you had therapy since the incident? Perhaps getting counselling could be something to think about - The Survivor's Trust can guide you to different counselling centres around the UK and Ireland specialising in sexual assault.
*hug*
Wanting to have sex is a perfectly normal feeling - regardless of the motivations behind it. Unfortunately it seems that flashbacks and nightmares are a way of your body processing what happened to you - and getting support is a good idea, but I know from experience that its not always that easy so just bare in mind that we are hear and very willing to listen to you and help you all we can. Havee you looked any any of the downloadable material from NAPAC yet? That might be a start
No I haven't, I really don't know where to begin. I don't want to do anything about it, too frightened of the consequences, feel like I'm not going to believed and that I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill.
I have done it, but it's difficult to know if I actually want to do something about it, or just acknowledge that it happened, and that there isn't anything I'm able to do about it anymore.
How would I do it? I'm not convinced they would believe me; I'm a man.
It's very worthwhile because you might stop it happening to someone else and it gives you the space to tell them what happened and for you to stop carrying it all by yourself. They can also point you in the direction of people who can help you.
I meant Police Officers, I just don't want to be a nuisance and have them do work that isn't going to be of any use to them.
This. When I first started having sex after it happened (which wasn't long after) I was insanely promiscuous- I think in an attempt to prove I still could have control in that type of situation/ disregard or devalue what happened. It was a very very long time before I could trust a man again or really enjoy sex, and while yes it will take time, I think that a lot of it was a result of the denial I was in; I didn't deal with the emotions. So what I'm trying in a roundabout way to say is that even though its really horrible, it's really good that you're addressing how you feel- it's the first step to healing and building trusting relationships again.
I don't think you should rule out talking to someone though. If you trust enough to be able to pm random people on here about it the way that you do I would think you could trust someone who actually has training in what to say to you and might find it more helpful. You come across like you really need to talk about it with somebody.