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Hey Eylah

I can hear that you're really struggling at the moment and that things feel really hard. Suicidal thoughts can be so intense and make it hard to do anything else besides focusing on those thoughts, you're in a battle with yourself essentially and it's so energy consuming. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I appreciate that you've shared you're safe What's helping you to feel safe in these moments? Are there ever times where things feel a bit lighter? Even if it's only a little?

If you need to cry, please give yourself the space to do so. Grief is overwhelming and can push us to our limits, your sadness is proof of how much you loved your mum and how precious that relationship between the both of you was. Your sadness is also welcome and safe on this community space. I hope this doesn't sound redundant but please be kind to yourself, you're going through a lot and doing the best you can. I'm proud of you for reaching out in this space and talking about how you're feeling, that shows courage and vulnerability. Are there some positive memories with your mum that you'd like to share here? We're here to listen

@JMMV2005 thank you and don’t be sorry just reading your comments has helped so thank you and with my mum I love her I do so the past is the past forgive and forget and I am going to winter wonderland with my family to night so hopefully that will build a healthy relationship between me and my mum I remember winter wonderland last year and we all loved it and there where no arguments nothing just laughing and happiness (laughing especially me and my little brother made our parents come on the ferris wheel with us my mum was clinging onto my 9 year olds brothers arm she secretly loved it cause she was laughing just as much😂) but anyways sorry back to the point I will think about supported living my mum and Nana think it will be good for me but my mum did point out a few points which are true like being a house with strangers I don’t know what the people are like with panic attacks and sensory overloads so that’s terrifying but yeah I am already in the healing journey even if I just get through the day that’s good enough and hobbies wise I really want to start boxing but again people I am just terrified of people and as stupid as it sounds I can’t talk verbally to people I don’t know like for an example if I was face to face with you I wouldn’t talk to you at all (that sounded really horrible sorry) but I’m like it with everyone I don’t i communicate with my phone when I can’t talk verbally and then eventually I will start talking verbally to them and it’s okay as you can tell I ramble on too😂

@AnonymousToe this does sound really stressful, I'm sorry you're going through this especially during the holidays I'm wondering if you've been able to take some space and time away from this situation and do other things that are less stressful because it sounds like a lot. I also know that it's exhausting trying to rationalize with someone who is a hoarder, it feels like logic doesn't have any space in the conversation. I hope reading through this thread you can see that your mindset is quite normal, and you're seeing things in a logical way which is probably why this situation is so incredibly frustrating. You deserve rest and space away from everything, I hope you get that during this upcoming week

I understand where your coming from Im here if you need anything

that sounds like a lovely idea, and one i'm sure your sister will really appreciate, no matter what you write