Best Of

I'm fucked. Thats about as much as needs be said. But because this is me, I will ramble on and on about why I'm fucked. Because I just feel the need for a vent/rant/ramble, all of those.

And if you came here to give some sympathy or something, then I'm sorry I don't want it, I don't deserve it.

I started to hate myself a lot again, I feel like a terrible person in every single way possible. Just horrible through and through. I've ran out of good things I can think about myself.
I'm so ungrateful. I'm so selfish. I'm so jealous of other people. Why? I know its bad but I just can't help it. It hurts so much to feel this way.

I wanted to change, I was already changing for the better! But no, as usual I had to mess it all up... I've gone back to my old habits. Shutting myself completely from the world again, just as I used to all these year. I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this. Then why do I continue to do it?? Why dont I have the energy and the will to change? How far deeper do I have to fall to start climbing up?? I'm scared. I'm so so scared...

I get so much great advice that I'm incredibly glad for! All this advice I failed to get all these years. But I just don't listen. All I keep doing is ignoring everyone and continuing to complain about how shit my life is. I'm the one making it so bad, nobody else!

I've not had anything traumatic happen to me, but I act like I did. I have gaps in my memory, severe anxiety, depression and probably a million mental health disorders that I still havent gotten diagnosed. Or I'm just neglecting the idea that something really bad may have happened in my life. But I just don't believe it, I'd know about it. This may sound real dumb, especially to people who suffered some serious trauma. But I kinda wish I had something traumatic happen to me in my past, at least then I'd know why I'm the way I am. I'd know what I need to fix and work on. I'd have something to blame. Now all I can blame is myself...

I think so incredibly slow, and I find everything incredibly hard to understand. I'm so weak, both physically and mentally. I know that what is happening to me isnt even much, but it feels like too much to handle. Everything is just shit. (Sorry for my language btw. I don't usually swear. In fact, irl I don't swear at all! I can't find the right words, I'm just so annoyed and disappointed in everything that I just can't care less anymore)

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know why I don't know. I wish I was different. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I didn't wish for things that are impossible...