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woke up feeling like utter utter shit. i cba with anything anymore. ppl say they care abt me but im just selfish and don’t feel it. I’m safe i always have to be safe but i just i don’t know rly. dont bother replying to me bc it isnt needed. lol im just a selfish person

@River healing is never straight forward. Depression and suicidal thoughts are never like a one off healing event like a broken bone. It's a constantly battle in your mind, where the aim is to take two steps forward and you'll get knocked one step back, and end up still 1 step ahead of how your were before. Bit by bit. Sometimes, we'll take 10 steps forward, heal a bit, and then we'll get knocked 20 steps back. it's never straightforward, and it's never simple. You can heal one month, and then decline the next. It's quiet common actually for depression.

A world where everything stays crap, that's been my life all over too. Sorry to tie this a bit to my own story, but it's just so you know where i'm coming from with this and i have some experience, not the same but about rock bottom. So I hit rock bottom at 19. It was brutal for me. And when nothing ever went well for me over my life, i thought it was impossible for things to go right for me. That nothing could help. And i did commit one act of self harm at 19 because i didn't think it was possible for things to get better. But, it did. Not my exact circumstances, but how I saw life. It stopped being the bigger picture and it was the small things that i looked to that were all that gave me small respites of happiness. Can i ask you something and you don't have to answer if you don't want to? The self harming urges. Is it because you don't see things getting better, or because you don't want to suffer on anymore with things? Sorry for being quite straightforward and brutal with the question.

And the struggle to be open, i'm going to be honest, i don't know how to fully overcome it with everything myself so i can't comment. But you've tried to reach out to helplines which means your braver than me and your trying which is what counts. As for the pain coming from those around you, it may be best to consider cutting them off if they are causing you to much pain that it becomes too hard to handle. Now, for the pain also coming from your own mind, i assume your referring to the feeling of self blame, or depressive thoughts, or the self harming thoughts. That's a harder one to overcome. It took me years to get over my self blaming streak, and if i'm honest, it's going to be hard to do so. There's no simple answer to that, but there are ways to ease it, and possibly end those feelings.

And can i tell you this. You fought not to relapse. That is what is special. Sure, you did relapse, but you tried your hardest not to and you should be very proud of trying your best River. I'm very proud of you for it.

You are a very special person River, with a very kind heart, and amazing talent for art, and have went through so much hell, yet still come out a kind and good soul. That's what's so special about you. Things are hard now. And they seem hopeless i imagine, which is what rock bottom was for me, but it isn't the end of the road. It does get manageable, and slowly gets a bit better over time. That's my experience with it anyway, but everybody is different.

Sorry if this sounds like rambling or doesn't make sense, or doesn't cover anything btw.