Best Of

I had my final exam today and completely failed because I’ve been a complete wreck the past few days and wasn’t in the right headspace. I spoke to Emma today and Janis gave me first aid and said “oh river (obviously replaced with my real name) there bad bless you, I’ve never seen things this bad for you” she tied the bandages lightly and so it came off and I tried to find her but she was busy so had to go to reception and ask for security (first aiders) and the receptionist was trying to pry into why I needed first aid which I stood there uncomfortable and awkward and then the security guy said shall we go to a quiet place and so we did (took me to security room), he put new bandages on my arms and then said he had to report how bad it was 🫠 he then said “you don’t need an ambulance do you” so I said “I’d rather not” and then he was like do you need any resources because that’s obviously self inflicted so I said no I’m okay but he gave me that look of “im not convinced” but he said I can always go back and ask for some resources (not that I will that’s awkward)

I told Emma that I’m not really eating and she gave me a concerned look.

I was in media but walked out after the ESW took me on a walk around the building to check in but I was feeling so overstimulated that I ended up leaving the lesson and didn’t return, I saw Emma in the corridor and told her I walked out and she gave me a concerned look 😕

The media teacher that is have on a Thursday saw me to and asked if I was okay because on absent forms I put mental health so think she’s concerned, I didn’t know what to tell her so I just nodded 😕 But inside I just wanted to scream that I’m not

I can’t face college tomorrow I only went in today for my exam and they were lucky that I even stayed the whole day. Maybe next week things will be easier 😕 not convinced…

I haven’t been diagnosed with body dysmorphia but I obsess daily over my flaws. My most recent one is my eyes. I curl my lashes daily because I want to appear fake, but naturally. I damaged half of my right lashes because I heat up my curler and use it daily. I use Vaseline and castor oil everyday to grow it. When I don’t curl my lashes, I look like a boy. Even with mascara, I still look ugly and masculine. I felt depressed and snappy all day because of my flaws. Tonight, I am spiralling. I don’t think I’ll ever find love because of my looks.

I started stressing by rapidly adjusting my hands (don’t know if that makes sense or not).

At some point, as I was getting ready for bed,
I stop, froze, stopped thinking, and started twitching and shaking. At some point, I started heavily breathing as I stared into the mirror, with my mouth open and eyes widened. I couldn’t properly pull my eye because my hands were shaking too much. My head feels too blocked.

As I’m typing this now, my eyes are still widen and my right hand is shaking midly. It’s a bit hard for me to type quicker because I keep making spelling mistakes due to my shakiness.

I don’t know what I’m experiencing right now.