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i've never rly talked abt how bad it is before. i grew up surrounded by talk abt diets, weight, calories etc. ive always struggled with food textures and foods touching etc which doesn't help either as i have very few foods i feel able to eat. worrying abt how many calories are in foods or whether ive done enough to earn the food is always on my mind. its so exhausting.

i remember when i was much younger, in primary school, we had our family photos. one of my siblings and i had the same top just different sizes as we're different ages and my mum had laid out what we were wearing, she accidentally put my siblings top out for me so when i put it on, it didn't fit. i thought it was funny and so did my sibling but my mum immediately reacted badly saying how i need to stop eating so much. reflecting on that now im older, my first question is, why couldn't she use logic and realise that all my other clothes fit fine so i clearly haven't gained weight to an extent my clothes no longer fit? it still rly upsets me.

we often went swimming then for food afterwards, i remember always hoping that we went to subway as its healthier than other places like mcdonald's etc. i know this bit is silly now that im older, but when i was younger, whenever we would have went for food after swimming, i always would've picked sprite / 7up as my drink as it looked like water so me (under 11 at this point) just assumed it must be healthy then.

ever since i had my first phone, i've had calorie counting apps, weight loss apps, exercise apps. i always said i'd get lunch in school whenever it came to secondary school as i could just pretend i did eat lunch. i've often made meal plans and counted calories etc but then still been really anxious abt eating because it's too much in my mind.