Best Of

I haven’t had a good week. It’s a case of what i might call brain fog.. but at the same time, my brain is running at 100MPH .. all the fucking time. Imagine you’ve got a song on loop in your head, and 50 different thoughts buzzing around there too? Sometimes i can calm it down.. but this week is not one of those weeks. I have done almost nothing since I hoovered on Monday afternoon. I feel so lazy. But my mind is both on overdrive, but also not working.. does that make any fucking sense? Probably not.

Edited to add that I am acutely aware of the things i need to do to help me, that is cut down on phone use and get a bit more exercise. But it’s so hard when my brain feels like I’m walking through mud but it feels like I’m trying to walk through mud in boots that are not made for mud.. at 100MPH

I feel so God damn awful right now

I feel like crap and what to cry and scream and everything but can’t.
I have a sense of impending doom and anxiety and panic are sky high right now.
The only release for all this that I can see if to hurt myself but if I do that I don’t know if I’ll stop.
I’m a failure and a burden
Why am I here
Why am I going through another year of life if nothing ever changes or gets easier.

Sorry to be a burden to everyone needed to get this out before I do anything

@DonnerKebab I was really tired last night so I didnt get a chance to talk abt it. I feel invisible like people just dont notice my existence like I dont matter and I just kinda feel like a ghost basically drifting through life like Im either emotionally numb and cant feel anything or im feeling everything all at once. I hate feeling like no one ever notices me like im disposable or forgettable. Also Im pretty pissed at my friend and I was upset abt it and texted my bestie to tell her and she was like oh im so sorry that happened cba to explain what happend so ill just copy paste the text I sent her bc im lazy lol.
Basically she texted me saying we need to talk and when we were at the school gate she said I was too negative and that I was venting too much and if I really need someone to talk to that bad that I should talk to a therapist (i was telling her abt her friend and I was just whining abt one of the teachers its not like i was telling her all my trauma) and she also said are personalities aren't rly a good match cus I care abt school and she said she doesn't she's annoyed bc I dont mess around with her during study periods I actually study and idk it was just rly hurtful but im glad she told me tho. Sry if some of it doesn't make sense I had to change for anonymity purposes. I rly dont wanna go to school today I just wanna stay at home and sleep and curl up and cry and eat snacks but that unfortunately isn't an option bc I have to be a functioning human being yay. Im gonna fcking kms. But yeah im fine totally dont wanna punch a punching until my knuckles bleed (surprisingly cathartic). Im fine ive delt with worse and I know i have to be stubborn and get thru this bc I cant stop to rest but its fine. Can't wait until A levels are over so I can get out of this hell hole. So now during breaks lunches and study periods im alone and idk that might be a good thing and everyone keeps telling me it's an opportunity to focus on my work but what do I do when I need support who do I go to? My non existent friends? My bestie that cant rly do anything bc we rarely can see eachother? My teachers who dont understand? The pastoral staff who are alright but incompetent are kinda terrifying? Like what do I do? Everyone's like oh your not alone there are people you can talk to but there aren't. The country is in a mental health crisis mental health websites and companies are so overloaded and im just another weight and a another burden to the system. Sometimes i feel like just a number to them just another patient to talk to and get over with. I was asked if I wanted to do counselling and realised it was my old counsellor she was awful I hated it literally begged the school to let me stop it (bc it was in school counselling) but they kept forcing me to go into eventually wore them down and they let me stop the sessions which was fucking traumatic (idk if im allowed to say that was traumatising sorry if im not). I also keep getting told to stop constantly apologising cus it makes me seem weak. I cant help it tho like im the kind of person who flinches if anyone raises their voice so if I feel like someone's mad at me I get really really scared and keep apologising in the hope that maybe they'll get less mad and I genuinely cant explain the panic and fear I experience when I think someone's mad at me especially if im already overwhelmed. But im fine everything all perfect and amazing (im being sarcastic if you cant tell). Anway sorry fir the huge rant im just rapidly losing the fucking will to live.