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AnonymousToe wrote: »

@DonnerKebab i admire your resilience through all that. You’ve been through so much. Sending hugs

Thanks, it means a lot to me.

@DonnerKebab

@River So yeah, that's most of it i'd say. Not been an easy one at all. Hit rock bottom more times than i can count. That's why i'm always trying to say that you can get out of rock bottom, and there is a way forward. There were periods where i got better for a few months and i was out of that point before something else knocked me back. It get's easier with time, but it's still hard and i'm still trying. With any luck therapy can help pull me out of it permanently. Rock bottom isn't the end, even if it seems it is and is hopeless. From personal experience, it's a long war, not a single battle.

And again, i can't thank you enough for listening to me vent, and being as kind as you have been. Please, if there's anything you want to vent to me about, please do. let me return the favour.

Nah dw about it @DonnerKebab its all good 💕

@River glad to know i'm not the only one. Anyway, therapy for me, who knows what they'll uncover. Maybe it will go well, maybe not. But still.

I think it's never to late to start over, try again, and pursue something different. I have a distant american cousin. Born in the UK, worked here, then went over to germany at 25 to start a new life, then to the US at 30 for a new life, worked as a prison guard for 10 to 15 years, divorced and quit, then at age about 40 to 45, he started working on an oil rig, and is making 200,000 a year in the US. He camer back to the UK now, i've been getting to know him, but damn, it's never to late to start over.

@DonnerKebab i admire your resilience through all that. You’ve been through so much. Sending hugs

@DonnerKebab sending you hugs 💕

@River there's still a fair bit more that i haven't gone over. I have never been cared for, or show much love even from my mum only on rare occasions. I think I have severe conditions, that may get diagnosed in a future therapy assessment, like CPTSD, detachment disorder, attachment issues, dependency disorders, etc etc, and yet i still have hope for the future, even though every single point in my life has been complete shit. I still have hope things will get better even though i don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I had to practically raise myself and my brother, and there's so much i'm missing as a 23 year old. Independence, emotional stability, basic social skills etc etc. I have gaps in my memory several months long, and now with my mum earlier, i'm made to effectively beg just to not be kicked out during her tantrums. She can't hit anybody like she could when i was a kid, but yeah. Just a struggle every day. I'm hoping i'll be able to overcome my emotional numbness, and for things to get better, and i still think it will.

Anyway, there is more. I reached out for help at 13 from my GP, and let's just say she gave me Fluoxetine. This did something to me, and for some reason, it killed all sexual pleasure outright. Like, not even a single thing felt down there at, well, you know. Stopped taking it, still nothing. Ten years later, still nothing. That part of me died. And it's not as if i had anybody around to ask. Only got the courage to speak to the doctors about it about a year ago roughly now. They said and i quote "Because it's been an issue for so long, it doesn't need solving". Mentally i'm screwed, physically in that department i'm screwed, my position in life, is screwed. And i emotionally, had arrested development from taking on such a huge role at 11. Emotional numbness was how i survived. Thus, i don't feel burnout that much since i've had it every month or two for the last 5-6 years.

@River you really are my first friend in my life. No joke or anything. Same for everybody on the Mix. The first people to show me real care and support in my life. So i really do want to say thank you. You've shared so much of your struggles with me, i felt like a hypocrite telling people to open up but not opening up myself. Again, thank you so much for letting me vent to you.

Plus, i think i have attachment issues so i'm sticking by all of you through thick and thin and nobody is getting rid of me 😂