Best Of

University was easier at first. I got the maintenance loan, got parts and built my own computer, got myself a desk, a computer chair, all sorts. Looking forward to the future, still hopeful. But things fell apart. My mental health continued to decline, nobody cared, and by second year (first year since F year was counted as 1st year for me), I had a paranoid breakdown. I wanted to work for MI5 and it dawned on me that because of that investigation, it's a black mark on my name, even though nothing came of it, and might stop me. So, i left cyber security and jumped to software engineering, ChaptGTP came along, so i jumped ship to Computer Science (Networks and Cyber Security) and did my degree in that. I did lose hope for a long time thinking there was no future. And there was an experimental case of self harm that i won't get into due to it's graphic and experimental nature. Nobody cared, nobody gave a shit. Finished my degree whilst a full time carer still through all those years, never had the chance to joined a club or society. It was still carer then uni, carer then uni. No help coming for me i thought. And afterwards, nothing.

There was another embarrassing thing. So, when my mum went to a coffee morning for other special needs parents, she rambled on about anything to make conversation. My sister is this, my older brother is that, complaining basically, and because i had a dark sense of humour, i made jokes at home. And she repeated one without the joke context, the social worker flagged it, and proceed to launch a counter terror investigation into me. Over a joke i told at home to my mum which she joked back. Anyway, i showed them proof that not only was i not what they claimed, but the exact opposite ideology. The searched my internet records everything pretty much and saw that i was in fact not an issue, so the social worker apologised and went on his way with the investigators. Fun stuff. This was whilst i was in college with paranioa.

DonnerKebab wrote: »

shannon_164 wrote: »

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@River sorry, i feel like i'm really droning on here, and i feel so bad venting as much as i am right now. And i'm really typing slow. Sorry for this all, and thank you. You really are saying the kindest things.

you are so deserving of support, and do a LOT for all of us here especially and deserve it back @DonnerKebab !!!

i would listen too but unfortunately i have to get up for work now😫i hate my job sm ugh - literally cried over the fact i gotta go in for 40 mins now lol

@shannon_164 thank you for everything you've said and helped me with today. You really are a saint. I'll be hear to talk and listen to you vent about your work when you finish later if you want. Best of luck with it all.

here you’ll need to give up about 10 years of your life for each shift of mine, that airport gives you several issues to vent about🤣thank you though i appreciate you!!

i did have a quick read through all what you’ve shared while convincing myself to get outta bed n i just wanna say that im so proud of you for still being here after everything you’ve been through, you really don’t deserve any of it:( and none of what has happened is your fault

College was bad. This was when my brother was at his most aggressive, and i was broke so a long walk to college cause i couldn't afford the bus. Trying to do a computing course without having a home computer wasn't the easiest thing. And i was never taught harvard referencing, which was needed in order to get anything but a pass. So i literally was getting a pass each module, and nobody thought to show me, actually, reference this exact way. So i scored bare pass on everything but the exams which is did great on. And ended up with just enough to get into uni on a degree with a foundation year.

My mental health had hit rock bottom though. Years of depression, of failings, of anxiety turned it into something else. Paranioa. Fear of everything. Health Anxiety too. I told my mum and she told me not to tell anybody because it would be a mark against my name, so i didn't. it got worse and worse and worse. I touched a traffic light, rubbed my eyes cause of an itch, and proceeded to run home and pour fairy liquid into my eye. I washed my hands at points to the point that my hands actually bled. I wasn't well. Eventually i had a breakdown at college when lads figured out i had health anxiety and started taunting me, cause one of them had HIV which eventually made me flip out, and leave. I eased back but the pandemic hit shortly after, and i finished college.

shannon_164 wrote: »

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@River sorry, i feel like i'm really droning on here, and i feel so bad venting as much as i am right now. And i'm really typing slow. Sorry for this all, and thank you. You really are saying the kindest things.

you are so deserving of support, and do a LOT for all of us here especially and deserve it back @DonnerKebab !!!

i would listen too but unfortunately i have to get up for work now😫i hate my job sm ugh - literally cried over the fact i gotta go in for 40 mins now lol

@shannon_164 thank you for everything you've said and helped me with today. You really are a saint. I'll be hear to talk and listen to you vent about your work when you finish later if you want. Best of luck with it all.

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@River sorry, i feel like i'm really droning on here, and i feel so bad venting as much as i am right now. And i'm really typing slow. Sorry for this all, and thank you. You really are saying the kindest things.

you are so deserving of support, and do a LOT for all of us here especially and deserve it back @DonnerKebab !!!

i would listen too but unfortunately i have to get up for work now😫i hate my job sm ugh - literally cried over the fact i gotta go in for 40 mins now lol

Friend please don’t apologise you deserve to vent @DonnerKebab

@River sorry, i feel like i'm really droning on here, and i feel so bad venting as much as i am right now. And i'm really typing slow. Sorry for this all, and thank you. You really are saying the kindest things.

I tried my best to stop being late, took up energy drinks to the point of 4 a day just to stay awake. My brother would just go to school, and sleep in his sensory room and come back refreshed. It was rough and fucked my health up catastrophically. Heart palpitations, weight gain, extremely high blood pressure. It did a number on me, and became addiction. Came close to a heart attack at some points. Nobody ever gave a fuck. My grades, which were previously very high, they declined. Not stagnated, actually declined. My first mock exam i got my highest, 2nd my second highest, third, my third higher and my final GCSE's were the lowest of them. 2 years of decline clear as day in grades, nobody gave a shit or thought to flag that. No socialising, no getting to develop social skills. Just school, then home to care. My brother was at school (or on his school transport anyway to school) from 8:20 to 4pm. I was at school from 8:40 to 3pm though 3:45 due to detention. No socialising or going out after school, no social time during school.

That school so absolutely awful, there meant to care about the student and there home situations however most teachers are vile. I’m so sorry that you had no support from school it sounds so isolating