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Comments
I guess it will come with time, it’s just been something I’ve not ever wanted to do because o don’t want to be a burden or hurt anyone.
im not sure if the homework helped I guess it made me think more about what I actually do when I’m struggling
I’m struggling with a lot of thoughts of that I shouldn’t be here and it would be better if I wasn’t here etc. I feel guilty because I had to borrow money from my parents and I just feel bad for it, I broke down in front of my mum as mentioned when I asked for it etc. I never wanted it to ever get to that point and I just feel extremely bad for it. My mum said not to worry and it happens to everyone at some point. But like this just made my thoughts spiral a lot more. To a point where I don’t want to be here and I want to punish myself and hurt myself to deal with all of it
Hey @Lottie5433 thanks for sharing that, not wanting to 'burden' anyone with your issues shows that you care about others around you, but asking for help/advice/support is never a burden to the right people who care, even if it feels like it. It's okay if you felt that the homework didn't help this time, different methods of DVT don't work the same for everyone and it's effectiveness might just be a result of how you are feeling today.
If you do feel like your safety is at risk at any point today, please know that the NHS 111 service is here for you, as well as your local GP and A&E if so, where staff have a duty of care to support you.
Asking for finanical help is completely okay and it's great to hear that your mum was able to reassure you of this, would you say you always feel this way when you are in a position that you need to ask for help?
hi @Verity thank you for your kind message I just feel like I can’t ask anyone for help with anything. And in the past when I’ve reached out to “friends” etc and told them in struggling they’ve disregarded it or used it against me - so that’s why I don’t like reaching out to anyone in fear it will be the same response.
I’m not going to reach out to anyone even if I feel my life is in danger it’s not worth anything.
I do always feel this way when put in a position like that where I need to ask for help.
quite frequently I’ll breakdown in to tears when I ask for help
@Lottie5433 I'm understanding that past experiences of opening up has discouraged you to continue doing so, I'm so sorry you've experienced this, you deserve conversations that allows you to feel heard and supported, especially from friends. I just want to say that even if it dosn't feel like it, reaching out for support is always worth it. Breaking down into tears after asking for help makes sense, sometimes when we reach the point of needing support it can feel emotionally exhausting and from what you've shared, it's something you really struggle with, which is completely okay. You don't need to have anything figured out, but we just want to remind you that you can always reach out for support.
thank you @Verity for your message I appreciate so much
well I was suppose to start group skills session on Monday and have therapy on Wednesday next week but that’s not happening. Also not looking forward to the thick ass book that I have to take to every group session now (it’s not come yet)
I have to also start filling out diary cards which I’m not looking forward to, I was overwhelmed today just looking and talking about it
I tried just sitting in my car last night instead of driving it because I wanted to be alone and my thoughts were very overwhelming. But my partner came and sat in the car with me and I told him I didn’t want him to do that and he could go inside but he wouldn’t because “we are in it together, and I’m not leaving until your ready to go inside” which is nice but I just wanted to be alone. Because the sat with me I couldn’t cry and be alone on my own so instead when I came in I went to the bathroom and cried instead to which he came knocked asked what I was doing and then came in to see me crying. Once I came out he gave me food to eat but I didn’t want any and he just wanted me to eat a little bit because I’m just letting the nice in my head win if I don’t. I have about 2 individual noodles before I put it back on the side and curled up on the sofa and cried for a bit.
Not this morning I was working at the pool and he came up to do some maintenance jobs, he asked if I was okay and I said I was. He asked me to promise and I just said “I’m fine” and he responded with “why do you seem so pissed off when I ask you that, I just wanted to make sure you are okay” and I hate myself for almost snapping at him but I’m fed up with people asking if I’m okay, and him almost not believing me I’m okay and making me promise I’m okay: makes me think I’m not doing a good enough job at presenting that I’m okay even when I am okay. So yeah it’s just all annoying me a bit.
Like part of me wish I could start group next week and go to therapy next week but I can’t because I’m on a training course with work 9-5 on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Because I can’t go group next week it could be another 8 weeks potentially before I start that which idk how long I can keep this façade up of being “fine/okay”
also been told that when I get my therapists number and I contact her when I’m struggling etc. if I end up hurting myself or doing anything I’m not allowed contact for 24hrs an that includes going to therapy session too
Hey @Lottie5433 you are so strong holding everything together, but 'presenting' must so tiring, it makes sense that you wanted some time alone to just let out your emotions. If the group can't start yet, is there anyone else you can reach out to so express how you are really feeling and not have to hold this 'facade'?
hey @Verity ”presenting” is tiring but I’m use to that.
im not to fussed that group isn’t starting yet, there isn’t anyone I can reach out to really. I might see if I can go talk to J my old assistant manager at work as he said he’s always there for me if I want to talk and that and I’ve told him I’ve had a lot of mental breakdowns recently. I don’t really want to talk to anyone though and let go of that facade
@Lottie5433 , I am just catching up with your thread. Thank you so much for continuing to put your feelings into words here - I realise that might not feel easy, and we are so grateful for your trust. I really hear how daunting it feels to think about letting go of the facade of being okay - what do you imagine might happen if you allow yourself to do that with J? It sounds like in the past he has wanted you to know that he cares and would want to be here for you if you're struggling. You're doing so well to be thinking about who is possibly in your support-circle who could help you right now
thank you @Sian321 it does feel really daunting to let go of this facade. I think if I open up the J about what’s been happening he’d probably say “stop being a dickhead” (this was a joke thing we had going on when he worked on our site before he moved) him saying this usually snaps me back and gets me thinking. He’d also reiterate that he’s there for me if I want to talk etc. I might be going to his park and seeing him today.
@Lottie5433 , I hear you. That sounds tough, and it sounds like even though that comment J would make was usually said in jest, the impact that it has it one of shutting you down, maybe? Or leaving you feeling like you need to retreat into yourself and close up. That sounds really hard, esspecially when its already difficult to reach out for support when you're struggling. That is valid, Lottie. How did it go in the end?
hi @Sian321 the comment J would make is always done in good humour and doesn’t usually make me shut down, just makes me think more. Sometimes I retreat back on myself but not usually.
we went and seen J and it was all good he said he’d give me a pass so I can use his pool whenever I want but also that off season we can stay there for a week/weekend if we want.
also said next time we go round we can have some drinks a proper catch up and a tour of the manor. We would have done this yesterday but it was quite hectic with getting a pizza oven, seeing J (who has had a nightmare week, and was busy with a lot of work etc) and seeing my partners mum and family.
I don’t think my partner meant to say it yesterday - but he basically said that I was a burden in a way.
like we went out with my sister and 2 of his friends and played darts and pool at the pub - there was a live band too. It got to about 10:30 and I said I was ready to leave and said we go after my partner finished his pint. When we were going home he asked if I was okay and I said “I’m just overstimulated” to which he said we could leave earlier but I said I didn’t want to be a burden or anything so didn’t say anything and that I do this often - I’ll go out and get overstimulated and just put up a mask so everyone else can have fun. He said he dint want this to happen.
he said he’d like to go to the club again but wouldn’t want me to be overstimulated or be worried if he went alone. And he said “not that I think your a burden or anything but I would like to go to the club but I don’t want you to worry while I’m out “ my head just took this as I’m a burden because I make us leave early, or I stop people from having fun.
he then asked when my next weekend is off - I guess he wants to go out and do something or maybe go see J and have a few drinks and the tour? I’m not sure.
so I’m currently on training for the next 3 days so I get to miss therapy and I get to miss starting the DBT skills group - which I don’t mind
Last week it was mentioned about diary cards an N said she’d email it out to me but I haven’t had any thing sent to me yet. I only mention it because in group and Individual therapy I have to have them and go through them, and N wants to see it when I next see her, same as I’m suppose to text her to say I’ve decluttered as that was a goal she set me to do by March 13th but I don’t have her works number.
But why I really want to say now is I’m starting group on the 9th the good thing is it’s online
hey @Lottie5433 . hru today? <3
hi @eylah im okay, like being on the course gives a lot of anxiety and like I’m trying to hide any visible sh.
I just know my anxiety is going to be high for a while 1. For the course and 2. Because I won’t see N before group so I’m just going to be constantly thinking about it etc
I’m also just thinking about the goal and the diary card because I can’t do either and N wants them done for the next time I see her
I’m stressing out now
And I don’t know what to do
I can’t focus on anything
my mind is all over the place
why did I have to start DBT now! And group skills now! It looks like I’m not going to get a day off at work because I have to manage my rotation around me and group and therapy etc. I hate all this
Hey @Lottie5433 It sounds so difficult being on the course and feeling anxious and like you need to hide your self-harm. I'm hearing that being on the course, and not seeing N before the group are fuelling your anxiety, which is understandable. You mentioned the goal and diary card, would you like to tell us more about that and how that's going maybe?
You said this morning that you're stressing out and feel like your mind is all over the place, how are you feeling this afternoon I wonder? I'm wondering how DBT and group skills is going too, if you've started them?
hi @Callum its only difficult on this course because I feel like I have to hide my sh so no one sees and judges me for it.
Well the goal is to declutter my stuff at my parents house as it’s all in a cupboard and it slowly needs to be moved over to mine. So N set the goal of removing one of the boxes and to message her when I’ve done it which she set at 13/3/26 but I can’t message her because she hasn’t given me her number yet.
then last week we went through Diary cards which I have to fill out daily about my mood, any urges and if I used any DBT skills. With this she asked if I’d prefer a hard copy or a digital one (as I prefer using my iPad for things) so N said she’d get the admin to email a copy to me but that hasn’t happened yet. And she said to start it when I get sent it but idk when I’ll receive it.
This afternoon I’ve just been feeling exhausted like I’ve been walking around work doing a lot of different jobs and I’m just mentally tired.
Skills group I’ve not started yet - set to start on the 9/3/26 so next Monday. And DBT with N has been going good. She’s noticed I’ll down play a lot of things or like I won’t sit with my emotions I’ll just say “yeah I felt annoyed and frustrated that I couldn’t go camp America, but then it was the best thing as I wouldn’t have met my partner” and she says I need to sit with that emotion and not just pass over it because “where is that emotion and feeling actually going” so yeah it’s okay
@Lottie5433 It's understandable you'd find that difficult. I'm hearing that you'd feel judged for your self-harm if you didn't hide it, that's unfair. It sounds like such a big task of decluttering and moving everything over to yours from your parents, is that something you've been able to start yet I wonder? It's okay if that's something that might take some time to complete.
It must be so frustrating to not have received the diary cards yet when you should have received them by now. If I'm right in remembering, you typically see N on a Wednesday, is that something you could check in with her about tomorrow?
I can hear how much you're struggling today with feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. You mentioned the skills group starting next week, how do you feel about that? It also sounds like DBT with N has been useful and something you've felt positive about, which is good to hear!
It seems unfair but I’ve had it from everyone, the only people that haven’t judged me for it, I don’t want to tell them I’ve relapse because I’ve been doing so well.
well I moved in with my partner in the new year and since then been slowly moving stuff over, and have recently gone through it all again and yeah so I’ve done the goal for the most part at the moment. I just don’t have the energy to do it anymore though.
you are remembering correctly, I do usually see N on Wednesday however I had to cancel the session tomorrow as I’m on a training course 9-5 tomorrow and Thursday so I can’t have a session this week. I might bring it up next week that I’ve been struggling a lot more but I’m not sure really. I just need to get these feelings out or I just need to not be here anymore.
im not really looking forward to the skills group, the only good thing is it’s online I suppose.
@Lottie5433 It must be so exhausting to feel like you're being judged for self-harming. You mentioned the people that haven't judged you for it, who are they I wonder?
It's positive to hear that you've moved in with your partner and pretty much completed that goal of moving everything across, N will be so proud when you share that with her! It's unfortunate that you had to cancel todays session due to this training course that you're on. I'm wondering how that went for you today, and how you're feeling this evening?
Bringing up that you've been struggling more with N is definitely a good idea for you, she's there to support you. Might you be able to discuss your concerns around the skills group with N too?
Also, you mentioned about not being here anymore, are you feeling safe at the moment? And is there anything you can do tonight to help you stay safe? As always, please reach out to Shout, Samaritans or 111 if you feel unsafe tonight, you're not alone in this.
the only people that haven’t judged me for it is, my manager, my work colleague, N and my old manager J.
Yesterday went fine I guess up till about 7pm. I do wish I could have gone to the session as I could have had it online as when we go for a break that’s when I have DBT, I would have just needed to sit in my car or somewhere private. That evening is when things went bad I guess and got worse. I have already discussed group with N
Even if I don’t feel safe I have to be - not fucking anything else up and making my partner worry more, already do that and pissed him off last night to a point where I just left the house and he followed me. I’m not using any of those helplines I’m not wasting their time
@Lottie5433 It's good to hear that you have 4 people there who don't judge you for what you're dealing with and for your self-harm, you deserve that safe space with them. You said yesterday went okay up until 7pm, what was it like after that that felt so different? And what have things been like so far today I wonder?
It makes sense you'd be wishing you did the session with N, but it sounds like you had such a busy day with the course, so I'm sure it was useful having a breather in the break where you could just take a moment, instead of having a chat with N. How does that sound?
It's good to hear that you've already discussed the group with N, you deserve her support. Also, it's good to hear that you felt able to be safe, I know that can be tricky with everything happening. Those services are there if things get too much though, just to reinforce that. We're always here to support you too.