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Morning Lottie, just checking in how you are today? Please let us know if you would like us to look into further support options for you.
I’m “fine” currently don’t see a point in saying how I truly feel.
going to put the next bit in a spoiler just for others reading
my boyfriend and I had a chat yesterday and told me I need to call someone about what’s happening especially since I made a drink with a fair bit of paracetamol in it but also I had packets of it with me too and I wanted to take them in adjacent. I didn’t end up calling anyone as again I saw no point.
he said I can’t wait till Wednesday when I see N and I need to stop going off from what happened in the past and not everyone’s out to get me and people want to help.
I just feel bad because he doesn’t know I self harmed yesterday when I was in the shower.
Like I get why he’s like this as he just doesn’t want to loose me and how he said “I don’t want to wake up and find me dead next to me” and “I don’t know what to do because I can’t take the medication away because that makes you worse and I can’t take the blades away because that makes you worse, I just don’t know what else I can do and it hurts me to see you like this”
I told my boyfriend I just wanted to go for a drive (this was at 11pm ish) and he wouldn’t let me go as he said I wasn’t in the right headspace and said if I did go out he’d call the police on me.
I jut need to get through today and tonight and I will be fine until I see N
I might ask my boyfriend if we can go for a walk in the valley along the viaduct or along the coastal path with the dog
Hey @Lottie5433
It sounds like the emotions you were processing yesterday were very intense. Feeling like you aren't being listened to must feel frustrating, especially when you are trying to improve your communication in your relationship.
I hear how you want to move away and get a fresh start. Have you felt like this a lot recently?
How has today been for you?
hi @Blue_lily the emotions I was processing were very intense.
I have felt like that a lot recently
Sorry for the late reply, the day after it was very exhausting mentally and physically and that’s been like that for the last couple days
Hi @Lottie5433
No stress about the late reply.
I've just had a read of the post above, I think I must have missed it yesterday when I responded to you, I am so sorry.
Did you end up being able to go on a walk with your boyfriend and your dog. Sometimes I find getting outside can really help to just calm the thoughts in my head.
How are you feeling today?
hi @blue_lily
No need to apologise for missing anything, there’s quite a lot in the post anyways.
I didn’t end up going for the walk with my boyfriend and my dog. My boyfriend said not to because of the weather. So I said I’d go on my own as I didn’t care about the weather, but he said if I did he’d call the police as I wasn’t in the right head space still.
today I’m feeling okay, had my therapy session and spoke about my goals as well as family dynamic other than that just still mentally exhausted
but of a delayed update kind of, so I had my appointment with N yesterday which was okay for the most part. The only thing I didn’t like was that we moved rooms and I couldn’t focus much because it all felt different and it was a different set up that I wasn’t use to - N did apologise for this though given she knows I’m hyper vigilant and pick out and focus on detail.
the plus was she allowed me to draw as this helps me focus and distract myself.
during the session we looked at my homework of long/short term goals and spoke about that - spoke in detail about taking my medication and how it makes me feel when I’m on it and when I’m off it etc. she noticed that my head drops when ever I feel ashamed or embarrassed about anything which is what I did when talking about that. We then spoke about my goal to declutter and has set me a goal to have 1 box moved from my parents by 13/3/26 and she going to give me her works number so I can message her when I’ve done that, I got to draw a diagram of how the cupboard with all my stuff in it looks. After that we spoke a lot about my long term goals and she said they are all achievable if I let them be.
to close with she set me another homework which is to write down any of my target behaviours and categorise them into the 3 groups - I’m nervous about doing it because I feel I have a lot of things that need targeting.
at the end she said how once we’ve finished pre-treatment then she has to take everything to an MDT meeting to see when I can start the actual therapy. From that point on all sessions will get recorded and I’ll start the group skills training as well which I’m not looking forward to really.
The other plus is I never got to tell her about what happened in the time between sessions
and how I’ve relapsed, was suicidal and yeah just everything else. I had it all wrote down just never got round to telling her.
Hey @Lottie5433, it's good to hear that you've had your appointment with N, but difficult that you had to do the appointment in a different room with a different setup, it makes sense that stressed you out a bit.
It sounds like drawing in the meeting helped with focus and distraction, how did that make you feel being able to do that?
It also sounds like N has set you some targets with moving a box from your parents house and some homework of writing down your target behaviours & categorising them. How does that feel to you?
It's okay to have not spoke to her about everything you're dealing with, such as your suicidal thoughts, it's normal to not get a chance to mention everything. How are those suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges feeling after the appointment?
hi @Callum it was a bit stressful not being in the same room and being in a new room, like this room made me think it was a doctors appointment with how it was laid out.
being able to draw did help with my focus and distraction but also allows me to not make eye contact which I struggle with anyway.
Moving the box feels like it will be the most difficult task just coz when I go to my parents I feel drained etc, the categorising my target behaviours seems like it will be fine I’ve wrote down the behaviours just need to try and fit them into the right categories.
the suicidal thoughts keep getting louder and the self harm irges are still strong and I’ve relapsed a fair few times.
I’m not really sure I want to carry on with anything right now.
basically part of my therapy homework last week was to write down short and long term goals: one of my goals is to go back to university and complete my masters. I’ve wanted to do this for a while but my partner doesn’t want me to do it because I’ll be spreading myself thin: as I’ll be working 5 days a week at work then the 2 days off would be going to uni or studying or having therapy and he’s basically saying I won’t have time for anything and I’ll burn myself out. His response to me saying I’ll be able to manage it as I can either do it part time or full time which gives me the option for doing it online, was I’ll just rota myself to work every day because that’s what I’ll basically be doing. Like I really want to go back to uni I’ve just been scared to because I know how stressed I got doing my undergraduate course and how my mental health significantly got in the way. As a result of that I had to have 1:1 meetings with M the safeguarding lead an S my study mentor. Like I would mind having this support again if I went back but I’d like it to be less frequent.
Like I just don’t know what to do I feel like he’s kinda dismissing my goals and that. He also didn’t seem too happy that I didn’t tell N about everything that happened that week and how I was actively suicidal with a plan and the intent.
part of me always wants to not go to therapy or to carry on with life.
The only thing that helped me today was that I was having a conversation with one of our onsite owners at work and how she lost her dog and it just put a perspective on life a bit. It did make me tear up a bit and how if I did kill myself my dog would be lost and that’s the only thing I can think of.
Despite this I still can’t get over the thoughts I have and weak I am too not give in to them
Hey @Lottie5433 thanks for opening up and being so vunerable. That sounds like a really positive goal, going to uni. How do you feel about managing work and university, does it feel like something you can do? Feeling dismissed by your partner can't be nice, I'm sure the support from someone you are so close to would have helped making the decision and possibly given you more confidence in something you want to do for yourself, is that right?
it's great to hear that your university offered 1:1 mettings with M and S, that extra layer of support could be really helpful.
I can hear that you are really struggling and you don't need make a decision about university right now, do you feel safe currently?
hi @Verity i feel like I could manage uni and work as I can choose to do a part time course over 2 years or a full time course for a year. Then depending on the course I can choose to do it at the university which is about an hour away or on a closer campus which is 30mins away. So it seems fairly manageable.
Yeah it was good that the university offered me support (I think I mentioned it in a previous boards post) but I didn’t want the support from uni to begin with, but my lectures made contact with SWB and raised concern so M got involved and I had to have weekly sessions either her and she did call my parents because I was suicidal and said I made an attempt and didn’t do anything after it. Then S was my study mentor that I got because I applied for DSA and they said it would be helpful to have one. But yeah that’s what I’m unsure about of if I’d get that support again tbh.
TBH I am still struggling - tried to go for a drive today to “clear my head” but my partner wouldn’t let me. I only wanted to because he found some more of the stuff I SH with and said he doesn’t want it in the house so I just said I’d put it in the car then, he didn’t seem to understand that I need it as a “safety blanket” and asked why I need 3 of them (2x forms of sh and then meds to od) so when I put them in my car he followed me and I started to “clean” my car but I did really want to go for a drive.
for the time being I feel safe but idk how I’m going to get through the week really
Hey @Lottie5433, I hope you are ok this morning. It sounds like you are really thinking things through with Uni, it's entirely up to you if you want to go, I wonder if the support is something you can ask about before you apply?
It's tricky with your partner, it feels like you just want a little bit more freedom when it comes to doing things on your own, but they are putting your safety first, although it's coming from a place of care, I can see how it can be frustating.
When you say a 'safety blanket' would you say having your stuff to SH with close by brings you comfort knowing it's there, but you don't actually have a plan to use them?
Yeah having them close does bring me comfort sometimes there’s no plan to use it but other times there is
@Lottie5433 thank you for clarifying and explaining that right now you do not have a plan to use your SH things currently. Can I ask, what's helping you to not use those items right now, or to find comfort elsewhere?
You're doing so well to talk about this, Lottie, and I really hear what a tough week it has been, noticing this drop in your mental health. How have things continued to feel with N?
hi @Sian321 eight now I’m not sure. Like physically I’m at work so can’t do anything, then when I’m at home my partners there so I’m less likely to do it - the only time I do it when he’s there is in the shower really. Any other time I go to my car and that.
things with N are going well, compared to my last therapist I’ve clicked with her and she understands me more and the things I find discomfort in talking about - she notices a lot in my body language and then reassures me that it’s okay to talk about it and feel uncomfortable and then she won’t push me to talk if I’m finding it hard to.
Hey @Lottie5433 that must feel encouraging to feel like you have a better connection with this N than your last therapist, someone noticing the small things can mean a lot. I wonder if you've thought about bringing this idea of university to N, do you think another opinion would be helpful?
hi @Verity it is good that I have a better connection with N than my last therapist.
I have brought up the idea of university with N as it is a long term goal for me and she was the one that said it was doable. So I started thinking about it and I even told her what happened in 3rd year and how I had SWB helping me and that I thought I was failing but my mentor looked at my grades and told me why I was working at. So N is aware of this goal of mine
@Lottie5433 that's brilliant, just going back to what you mentioned about being alone, do you feel like you get much alone time?
@Verity I don’t feel I get a lot of alone time to be by myself.
When I explained to my partner that going for a drive allows me to be vulnerable alone and cry without anyone seeing he said he’d give me the space if I needed and would go out with my dog just so I can be alone. But part of me doesn’t like that and just wants the choice to go to a drive if I need it
@Lottie5433 It must be so difficult when you feel like you don't have any alone time. I'm hearing that you value the time you have when you go for a drive so that you can feel vulnerable in a space in which you can cry alone without judgement from others. It sounds like going for the drive itself is something you feel attached to with these feelings, rather than the personal space and alone time, as you don't feel the same if your partner goes out with the dog for some time. I'm curious, is there something about driving alone in particular that helps with these situations and emotions? Taking yourself away from the house and being in a different place, maybe that helps to pause and process everything? I'm wondering what your thoughts are about that?
hi @callum yeah going for the drive itself is something you feel attached to with these feelings, rather than the personal space and alone time. I think I prefer this because I can choose how long I’m out for and can comeback when ready. But if it was my partner who would go out with my dog so I can be alone, I wouldn’t have a say in how long i get to be alone for.
As mentioned driving just allows me to clear my head on my own time and release all the emotions, it just helps me in the situation because I come back basically drained and emotionless which makes it easier to deal with the situation.