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yeah being at work and helping my general manager out did keep me distracted. My general manager is very aware of my self harm and my journey through the various therapies. I told her yesterday how I was fed up after last weeks session and explained why - generally just about the hours of therapy/support they expect me to do.
last night I showered where I wanted to sh but stopped myself mainly coz my partner was home. But again this morning the urges are still strong
@Lottie5433 It's definitely positive that you were able to feel distracted at work from your urges to self-harm. It's so strong of you to talk to your general manager about what you've been through and are still going through, it sounds like she is a really caring manager. How did you feel after you spoke to her yesterday about being fed up and the hours of therapy & support you're expected to do?
I'm also hearing that you managed to resist the urges to self-harm tonight but today those urges are still strong. How are those urges feeling now?
Also, if I'm right in remembering, your appointment with N is today, how was that I wonder?
Thank you @Callum, I felt alright after talking to her, she understands my frustration with the hours of commitment and how far I have to travel at times.
the urges weren’t great I gave into them quite often today and I know I should have told N about it all but I didn’t feel able to. But just dealing with it now because I’m just sore and that.
the appointment was alright, I signed the therapy contract and we discussed telephone consultations which basically just means when she gets her work phone I’ll be given the number and if I’m struggling I can message her and she can phone me back or give me things to try in the meantime. I told her I don’t like the idea of phone calls so she suggested doing a role play exercise for it during a session at one point. I told her I don’t like that idea either. She also gave me homework to do, which she set last week but because last week was a struggle she didn’t mind that I hadn’t done it so has set it again this week.
we are scheduling a teams call for next weeks session seen as I’m away for the work conference which to be honest I don’t want to go there either right now. She did say we could skip next weeks session if it’s going to be too much as I’ll be in a new place without my safety net etc and said that the telephone consultation might work next week if I’m struggling to join the online meeting.
im just frustrated with myself about all that I’ve done recently and just feel I can’t get better.
Also think my partner is getting annoyed at me tonight so now I’m lying in bed wide awake whilst he’s sleeping trying not to cry or do anything.
im just not looking forward to packing this weekend but hoping I can still take the sh implements and first aid kit with me without my partner knowing so if it come to it I can at least do something that helps and I know that works
Still need to contact N about the crisis plan as well to
Hey @Lottie5433, it's good that you felt okay after talking to your general manager. I'm hearing that you self-harmed yesterday as the urges got too strong, but you didn't feel able to speak to N about that which is understandable.
It sounds like telephone consultations are not for you, which is absolutely fine, they can be so tricky to do. You mentioned that you can message her when you're struggling though, is this something that feels easier for you? I'm also wondering how the Teams session feels to you for next week when you're away on the conference? Do you think it might help give you some support while you're in an unfamiliar environment maybe?
You are doing a brilliant job sharing this, I know it can be frustrating when you feel like you shouldn't be self-harming and when your partner seems annoyed, but talking openly about it is so strong. Creating a crisis plan with N sounds like a good idea too in case things get too much. How does that sound to you?
Hi, @Callum sorry for just going on and kinda being a stuck record with all this.
messaging does feel a lot better to do and from what N was saying is that I can message and then she will say when she will call me to check in and have a chat, then further down when I’ve learnt skills and that is something that she can suggest what skills to use and then if that’s still not working then phoning to talk thing through etc.
the teams call feels okay for next week. Like I’m going to be alone most of the time I’m there and it will just be good to help me when I’m up there and just give me the support coz I know it will likely be a struggle and I’ll likely give in to a lot more behaviours because no one will be there. It’s like I know my ED voice will likely it because I probably won’t eat a lot when I’m there as I’ll be alone and just “pretend” I’ve had something.
the crisis plan sounds good I just need to bring it back up as we haven’t done one as I kept putting it off and then N said she’d email it to me and that hasn’t happened so, like I should probably ask her for it other wise I’m just using an old one that CMHT did for me in 2023
@Lottie5433 it's not a problem, no need to be sorry at all, we're here for you. It makes sense that you'd find messaging N a lot easier, is that something you'd like to make use of when you're able to?
It definitely sounds like the Teams call next week will be useful for you while you're away, especially if you're worried about your self-harm urges and ED voices getting stronger when you're there. You deserve access to support during that. Is there maybe anything you can do to prepare yourself for that, since you're anticipating it being difficult?
Asking N for the crisis plan support sounds like a good plan too, she might have forgot so it seems reasonable to give her a nudge so you can get that sorted.
hi @Callum
Yeah messaging I do find easier it’s why if I’m struggling I’ll look to talk to shout or Samaritans web chat just coz I don’t like the initial call, what I like about Samaritans is that you can request a call with them or they say they will call you to check in like the next day. So it will definitely be something I’ll do with N when that’s all set up, I can only do it once in a 24hr period.
umm preparing for that time next week I am bringing my laptop (to do the teams call but also to watch tv when I’m struggling too), I’m also bring my sketchbook, threads and fidgets. I have also packed my SH kit with me just in case I guess. In terms of preparing to help the ED I’m not really sure what to do, like I don’t really want to spend money on food when I’m there coz it will likely just be take away, unless the Travelodge has a restaurant I might get some snacks or something light but I’m not sure.
yeah she might have forgotten about it, I might email in or just ask on Wednesday when I have my teams call again. I have my notes I made during the first few session about what to put on my crisis plan, so I might think about that as some extra homework as I’ve already done this weeks homework just have to remember to take it with me.
@Lottie5433 Messaging sounds like a good plan when it's set up, and being able to use that once every 24 hours seems like a good system as N will be there once a day for support but also allows you to try and work through things alone, if that makes sense.
It sounds like you've thought a lot about preparation for next week! You mention taking your laptop to watch TV, what's your go-to comfort show that could help if everything gets too much? And what are you watching at the moment (if you don't mind me asking, I'm curious!)?
Taking some snacks sounds like a good idea too, as it sounds like you're feeling really unsure about what food will be available for you to eat. I'm wondering if you might be able to find out what there is nearby that could interest you?
Emailing N or chatting about the crisis plan on Wednesday is a brilliant plan to get the right support, and thinking more about it as homework beforehand is a good way to help you find the right crisis plan for you. What is your crisis plan looking like at the moment?
yeah it is a good system @Callum ,
My go to comfort show if I’m really low is usually scooby-doo, I use to love this as a child, so it’s one I will reach towards. Then sometimes I like to cry so I’d watch a sad show usually when it involves an animal as I have more of an emotional attachment to them compared to people. Then if I just want something to watch it’s usually: vampire diaries, the originals, legacies, flash, supergirl, dc legends of tomorrow and kinda that franchise.
at the moment I’m watching vampire diaries, the good doctor and grays anatomy. (I do like medical dramas)
I might look at food options but still unsure about it, I’ll look to take some snacks with me and an energy drink.
yeah I have been thinking about talking to N about the crisis plan and thinking about it as homework will help. I am yet to start it.
i also might be starting some sessions with Kooth to to help as well they just would like me to share my details with them so they can work with N and the rest of the team around me. As well as contact services if they think im at risk/danger but im unsure about this really
@Lottie5433 Scooby-Doo is definitely a good shout as a comfort show, especially when you watched it as a child. Would you say that it makes you feel safe?
Medical dramas like Vampire Diaries, Grays Anatomy and the Good Doctor sound like good programmes to watch when you get some spare time. I've never seen them and will have to take a look. Are they something that might help you resist any self-harm urges while you're away?
It's good to hear you will have some support from N for the crisis plan and may be starting some sessions with Kooth. How are you feeling about working with them for support too I wonder?
yeah scooby-doo is a comfort show @Callum and does sometimes make me feel safe.
grays anatomy and the good doctor are really good medical dramas to watch in my feee time. It might be something to help me reduce the urge to self harm but unsure if it will yet.
I feel alright working with them for support it’s just if they want the extra information and that
Hey @Lottie5433 , just checking in. How have things been the rest of today? So lovely to hear that that can be a comfort show, helping to signal safety. That sounds really positive too that you're feeling okay about working with N and possibly Kooth alongside her too. When do you imagine you'll start with Kooth possibly?
hi @Sian321 things are okay for the most part I guess. Today I’ve not done much other than help my general manager out with risk assessments. With this we’ve been discussing my development and I’m getting enrolled onto 2 courses which will help me at work and will also relieve our maintenance team as well at times.
yeah it is good that I have a comfort show like that and signals safety in a way - just brings me back to the good times of my childhood and is about the only thing I remember from it to as well.
well I have previously worked with Kooth but I was told they weren’t suited for me due to my level of risk but now they want to make sure that transition between them and other work is safe etc. so my assessment chat with them is on Monday - makes a less boring train ride I suppose - then it will be 2 week after that they start as the worker is on annual leave the following week.
im unsure about giving them my personal details so they can communicate/advocate for me with N and anyone else involved in my care like the gp. I’m just hesitant because I’ve had them previously a few years ago call an ambulance on me and I got blindsided by that. Now I have a lot of trust issues around giving out my information like that. Like I won’t even call 111 or 999 for help in fear someone will come to my location when I don’t want or need them too