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yeah being at work and helping my general manager out did keep me distracted. My general manager is very aware of my self harm and my journey through the various therapies. I told her yesterday how I was fed up after last weeks session and explained why - generally just about the hours of therapy/support they expect me to do.
last night I showered where I wanted to sh but stopped myself mainly coz my partner was home. But again this morning the urges are still strong
@Lottie5433 It's definitely positive that you were able to feel distracted at work from your urges to self-harm. It's so strong of you to talk to your general manager about what you've been through and are still going through, it sounds like she is a really caring manager. How did you feel after you spoke to her yesterday about being fed up and the hours of therapy & support you're expected to do?
I'm also hearing that you managed to resist the urges to self-harm tonight but today those urges are still strong. How are those urges feeling now?
Also, if I'm right in remembering, your appointment with N is today, how was that I wonder?
Thank you @Callum, I felt alright after talking to her, she understands my frustration with the hours of commitment and how far I have to travel at times.
the urges weren’t great I gave into them quite often today and I know I should have told N about it all but I didn’t feel able to. But just dealing with it now because I’m just sore and that.
the appointment was alright, I signed the therapy contract and we discussed telephone consultations which basically just means when she gets her work phone I’ll be given the number and if I’m struggling I can message her and she can phone me back or give me things to try in the meantime. I told her I don’t like the idea of phone calls so she suggested doing a role play exercise for it during a session at one point. I told her I don’t like that idea either. She also gave me homework to do, which she set last week but because last week was a struggle she didn’t mind that I hadn’t done it so has set it again this week.
we are scheduling a teams call for next weeks session seen as I’m away for the work conference which to be honest I don’t want to go there either right now. She did say we could skip next weeks session if it’s going to be too much as I’ll be in a new place without my safety net etc and said that the telephone consultation might work next week if I’m struggling to join the online meeting.
im just frustrated with myself about all that I’ve done recently and just feel I can’t get better.
Also think my partner is getting annoyed at me tonight so now I’m lying in bed wide awake whilst he’s sleeping trying not to cry or do anything.
im just not looking forward to packing this weekend but hoping I can still take the sh implements and first aid kit with me without my partner knowing so if it come to it I can at least do something that helps and I know that works
Still need to contact N about the crisis plan as well to
Hey @Lottie5433, it's good that you felt okay after talking to your general manager. I'm hearing that you self-harmed yesterday as the urges got too strong, but you didn't feel able to speak to N about that which is understandable.
It sounds like telephone consultations are not for you, which is absolutely fine, they can be so tricky to do. You mentioned that you can message her when you're struggling though, is this something that feels easier for you? I'm also wondering how the Teams session feels to you for next week when you're away on the conference? Do you think it might help give you some support while you're in an unfamiliar environment maybe?
You are doing a brilliant job sharing this, I know it can be frustrating when you feel like you shouldn't be self-harming and when your partner seems annoyed, but talking openly about it is so strong. Creating a crisis plan with N sounds like a good idea too in case things get too much. How does that sound to you?
Hi, @Callum sorry for just going on and kinda being a stuck record with all this.
messaging does feel a lot better to do and from what N was saying is that I can message and then she will say when she will call me to check in and have a chat, then further down when I’ve learnt skills and that is something that she can suggest what skills to use and then if that’s still not working then phoning to talk thing through etc.
the teams call feels okay for next week. Like I’m going to be alone most of the time I’m there and it will just be good to help me when I’m up there and just give me the support coz I know it will likely be a struggle and I’ll likely give in to a lot more behaviours because no one will be there. It’s like I know my ED voice will likely it because I probably won’t eat a lot when I’m there as I’ll be alone and just “pretend” I’ve had something.
the crisis plan sounds good I just need to bring it back up as we haven’t done one as I kept putting it off and then N said she’d email it to me and that hasn’t happened so, like I should probably ask her for it other wise I’m just using an old one that CMHT did for me in 2023
@Lottie5433 it's not a problem, no need to be sorry at all, we're here for you. It makes sense that you'd find messaging N a lot easier, is that something you'd like to make use of when you're able to?
It definitely sounds like the Teams call next week will be useful for you while you're away, especially if you're worried about your self-harm urges and ED voices getting stronger when you're there. You deserve access to support during that. Is there maybe anything you can do to prepare yourself for that, since you're anticipating it being difficult?
Asking N for the crisis plan support sounds like a good plan too, she might have forgot so it seems reasonable to give her a nudge so you can get that sorted.