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Comments
yeah being at work and helping my general manager out did keep me distracted. My general manager is very aware of my self harm and my journey through the various therapies. I told her yesterday how I was fed up after last weeks session and explained why - generally just about the hours of therapy/support they expect me to do.
last night I showered where I wanted to sh but stopped myself mainly coz my partner was home. But again this morning the urges are still strong
@Lottie5433 It's definitely positive that you were able to feel distracted at work from your urges to self-harm. It's so strong of you to talk to your general manager about what you've been through and are still going through, it sounds like she is a really caring manager. How did you feel after you spoke to her yesterday about being fed up and the hours of therapy & support you're expected to do?
I'm also hearing that you managed to resist the urges to self-harm tonight but today those urges are still strong. How are those urges feeling now?
Also, if I'm right in remembering, your appointment with N is today, how was that I wonder?
Thank you @Callum, I felt alright after talking to her, she understands my frustration with the hours of commitment and how far I have to travel at times.
the urges weren’t great I gave into them quite often today and I know I should have told N about it all but I didn’t feel able to. But just dealing with it now because I’m just sore and that.
the appointment was alright, I signed the therapy contract and we discussed telephone consultations which basically just means when she gets her work phone I’ll be given the number and if I’m struggling I can message her and she can phone me back or give me things to try in the meantime. I told her I don’t like the idea of phone calls so she suggested doing a role play exercise for it during a session at one point. I told her I don’t like that idea either. She also gave me homework to do, which she set last week but because last week was a struggle she didn’t mind that I hadn’t done it so has set it again this week.
we are scheduling a teams call for next weeks session seen as I’m away for the work conference which to be honest I don’t want to go there either right now. She did say we could skip next weeks session if it’s going to be too much as I’ll be in a new place without my safety net etc and said that the telephone consultation might work next week if I’m struggling to join the online meeting.
im just frustrated with myself about all that I’ve done recently and just feel I can’t get better.
Also think my partner is getting annoyed at me tonight so now I’m lying in bed wide awake whilst he’s sleeping trying not to cry or do anything.
im just not looking forward to packing this weekend but hoping I can still take the sh implements and first aid kit with me without my partner knowing so if it come to it I can at least do something that helps and I know that works
Still need to contact N about the crisis plan as well to
Hey @Lottie5433, it's good that you felt okay after talking to your general manager. I'm hearing that you self-harmed yesterday as the urges got too strong, but you didn't feel able to speak to N about that which is understandable.
It sounds like telephone consultations are not for you, which is absolutely fine, they can be so tricky to do. You mentioned that you can message her when you're struggling though, is this something that feels easier for you? I'm also wondering how the Teams session feels to you for next week when you're away on the conference? Do you think it might help give you some support while you're in an unfamiliar environment maybe?
You are doing a brilliant job sharing this, I know it can be frustrating when you feel like you shouldn't be self-harming and when your partner seems annoyed, but talking openly about it is so strong. Creating a crisis plan with N sounds like a good idea too in case things get too much. How does that sound to you?
Hi, @Callum sorry for just going on and kinda being a stuck record with all this.
messaging does feel a lot better to do and from what N was saying is that I can message and then she will say when she will call me to check in and have a chat, then further down when I’ve learnt skills and that is something that she can suggest what skills to use and then if that’s still not working then phoning to talk thing through etc.
the teams call feels okay for next week. Like I’m going to be alone most of the time I’m there and it will just be good to help me when I’m up there and just give me the support coz I know it will likely be a struggle and I’ll likely give in to a lot more behaviours because no one will be there. It’s like I know my ED voice will likely it because I probably won’t eat a lot when I’m there as I’ll be alone and just “pretend” I’ve had something.
the crisis plan sounds good I just need to bring it back up as we haven’t done one as I kept putting it off and then N said she’d email it to me and that hasn’t happened so, like I should probably ask her for it other wise I’m just using an old one that CMHT did for me in 2023
@Lottie5433 it's not a problem, no need to be sorry at all, we're here for you. It makes sense that you'd find messaging N a lot easier, is that something you'd like to make use of when you're able to?
It definitely sounds like the Teams call next week will be useful for you while you're away, especially if you're worried about your self-harm urges and ED voices getting stronger when you're there. You deserve access to support during that. Is there maybe anything you can do to prepare yourself for that, since you're anticipating it being difficult?
Asking N for the crisis plan support sounds like a good plan too, she might have forgot so it seems reasonable to give her a nudge so you can get that sorted.
hi @Callum
Yeah messaging I do find easier it’s why if I’m struggling I’ll look to talk to shout or Samaritans web chat just coz I don’t like the initial call, what I like about Samaritans is that you can request a call with them or they say they will call you to check in like the next day. So it will definitely be something I’ll do with N when that’s all set up, I can only do it once in a 24hr period.
umm preparing for that time next week I am bringing my laptop (to do the teams call but also to watch tv when I’m struggling too), I’m also bring my sketchbook, threads and fidgets. I have also packed my SH kit with me just in case I guess. In terms of preparing to help the ED I’m not really sure what to do, like I don’t really want to spend money on food when I’m there coz it will likely just be take away, unless the Travelodge has a restaurant I might get some snacks or something light but I’m not sure.
yeah she might have forgotten about it, I might email in or just ask on Wednesday when I have my teams call again. I have my notes I made during the first few session about what to put on my crisis plan, so I might think about that as some extra homework as I’ve already done this weeks homework just have to remember to take it with me.
@Lottie5433 Messaging sounds like a good plan when it's set up, and being able to use that once every 24 hours seems like a good system as N will be there once a day for support but also allows you to try and work through things alone, if that makes sense.
It sounds like you've thought a lot about preparation for next week! You mention taking your laptop to watch TV, what's your go-to comfort show that could help if everything gets too much? And what are you watching at the moment (if you don't mind me asking, I'm curious!)?
Taking some snacks sounds like a good idea too, as it sounds like you're feeling really unsure about what food will be available for you to eat. I'm wondering if you might be able to find out what there is nearby that could interest you?
Emailing N or chatting about the crisis plan on Wednesday is a brilliant plan to get the right support, and thinking more about it as homework beforehand is a good way to help you find the right crisis plan for you. What is your crisis plan looking like at the moment?
yeah it is a good system @Callum ,
My go to comfort show if I’m really low is usually scooby-doo, I use to love this as a child, so it’s one I will reach towards. Then sometimes I like to cry so I’d watch a sad show usually when it involves an animal as I have more of an emotional attachment to them compared to people. Then if I just want something to watch it’s usually: vampire diaries, the originals, legacies, flash, supergirl, dc legends of tomorrow and kinda that franchise.
at the moment I’m watching vampire diaries, the good doctor and grays anatomy. (I do like medical dramas)
I might look at food options but still unsure about it, I’ll look to take some snacks with me and an energy drink.
yeah I have been thinking about talking to N about the crisis plan and thinking about it as homework will help. I am yet to start it.
i also might be starting some sessions with Kooth to to help as well they just would like me to share my details with them so they can work with N and the rest of the team around me. As well as contact services if they think im at risk/danger but im unsure about this really
@Lottie5433 Scooby-Doo is definitely a good shout as a comfort show, especially when you watched it as a child. Would you say that it makes you feel safe?
Medical dramas like Vampire Diaries, Grays Anatomy and the Good Doctor sound like good programmes to watch when you get some spare time. I've never seen them and will have to take a look. Are they something that might help you resist any self-harm urges while you're away?
It's good to hear you will have some support from N for the crisis plan and may be starting some sessions with Kooth. How are you feeling about working with them for support too I wonder?
yeah scooby-doo is a comfort show @Callum and does sometimes make me feel safe.
grays anatomy and the good doctor are really good medical dramas to watch in my feee time. It might be something to help me reduce the urge to self harm but unsure if it will yet.
I feel alright working with them for support it’s just if they want the extra information and that
Hey @Lottie5433 , just checking in. How have things been the rest of today? So lovely to hear that that can be a comfort show, helping to signal safety. That sounds really positive too that you're feeling okay about working with N and possibly Kooth alongside her too. When do you imagine you'll start with Kooth possibly?
hi @Sian321 things are okay for the most part I guess. Today I’ve not done much other than help my general manager out with risk assessments. With this we’ve been discussing my development and I’m getting enrolled onto 2 courses which will help me at work and will also relieve our maintenance team as well at times.
yeah it is good that I have a comfort show like that and signals safety in a way - just brings me back to the good times of my childhood and is about the only thing I remember from it to as well.
well I have previously worked with Kooth but I was told they weren’t suited for me due to my level of risk but now they want to make sure that transition between them and other work is safe etc. so my assessment chat with them is on Monday - makes a less boring train ride I suppose - then it will be 2 week after that they start as the worker is on annual leave the following week.
im unsure about giving them my personal details so they can communicate/advocate for me with N and anyone else involved in my care like the gp. I’m just hesitant because I’ve had them previously a few years ago call an ambulance on me and I got blindsided by that. Now I have a lot of trust issues around giving out my information like that. Like I won’t even call 111 or 999 for help in fear someone will come to my location when I don’t want or need them too
I can’t do this anymore
What’s the point really, just a burden to everyone
I feel unappreciated by people and this just makes me feel worse coz what’s the point in trying when it’s not noticed. The only things noticed are the things that I haven’t done.
im just a failure to everyone and everything.
I just want disappear if I’m not going to get noticed so why be here
ps I am safe
@Lottie5433 you are not a failure, and you are important. It can feel hopeless when all your efforts are not recognised. I will reach out via DM to check in with you further, but you say you feel unappreciated by the people around you - we're here for you if you'd like to tell us more?
hi @Sabah i am a failure I feel like one.
it’s just like I feel I’m not appreciated a lot by people around me like my partner at the moment. He’s spent all morning in bed and I’ve done 1.5hr walk with my dog, and done 2 loads of washing - I did say this was his job to do the other day. All I got was “well I asked you to clean the other day and you didn’t” in which I just said “I told you I might not be able to” because I took my parents shopping as they have no car. He came back with “well when I came home you were just sat at the table doing stuff so I cleaned” this just riled me because I told him I might not get a chance to clean and what I was doing at the table was therapy homework - so am I not allowed to do that now? Then it’s like he doesn’t like the house being a mess and it stresses him out so asks me to clean my stuff, but yet he leaves rubbish in my car which makes me overwhelmed - so cleaned that the other day and feel like he was annoyed at that - like in my head it’s common courtesy to respect my car and keep it somewhat clean as well, like it works both ways.
im just frustrated with everything right now and have been on the verge of tears all morning.
we also had a mini arguments about me not being on my antidepressants because I say I don’t need them and have been fine without them and all he does is goes “uhuh” then looks me up and down (signalling to my SH) which just annoys me more
Like a lot of this stuff is just petty and I’ll go over it but times I just don’t want to be dealling with all this and feeling like I’m not appreciated
@Lottie5433 even if you feel that a lot of it is petty, small issues overtime can become quite large and overwhelming, especially as you are already working with N and trying to take care of yourself. It sounds like this has been building up for a while now and so it's understandable that you would be feeling so low. Working through this takes immense strength, and I know it doesn't feel like you are strong when you are going through it - you can struggle to notice all the things you have been successful in, all the ways you are trying, all of the good. You can't fix everything in one day, and you are absolutely not a failure if you need to take today, tomorrow, a week, or a month, or even longer to slowly work on yourself. I'm wondering if you do have any plans today to help you feel a little better about yourself, or bring you some peace if only a little?
I don’t have any plans @Sabah everything I “needed” to do, I’ve done. Now just waiting on my boyfriend as we have to go Help his dad. We need to meet him where our works advertisement trailer is, this is because the storm broke it so our work has said if his dad can move it he can have the trailer. Not sure when that going to be, the he also had to pack any additional cloths he wants for when we go away tomorrow.
I just can’t find any peace right now, kinda just looking g forward to sitting on a train and watching tv or something so I can just been in my own little world and ignore everything - but that’s not till tomorrow.
I also needed to go shop today just to get a few bits but now that’s not going to happen coz all shops are shut and I would have made it if I didn’t have to do all the washing and put it away while my boyfriend did nothing
Hey @Lottie5433, how are you feeling today I wonder? Hopefully you managed to help out your partners dad yesterday and that went well. I'm hoping you're managing to settle in to your work trip now, and that you are able to get some rest while you're there!
I'm hearing that you're feeling frustrated after having to do a lot of the chores and housework yourself, and your partner criticising you for not cleaning when you said you might not have time. How are things with your partner now I wonder, are you still feeling frustrated?
Hi @Callum , I’m feeling overwhelmed with all the travel and a little down. I’ve only now arrived for the works trip.
things with my partner are alright still feeling a bit frustrated
my anxiety is kind making me not want to do my teams call with N on Wednesday, I’ve been too overwhelmed and have been masking a lot today and I’m kinda just done.
my ed voice is very loud right now, it’s going to be loud tomorrow and I might need to just satisfy it the following days by not eating.
Hey @Lottie5433 it makes sense you're feeling overwhelmed with the travel to an unknown place, but it's good to hear things are okay with your partner, though it's normal to still be frustrated.
I'm hearing that you're feeling anxious and wanting to cancel the Teams call with N on Wednesday. I'm curious, what does this anxiety look like for you? And what could you do tonight to help reduce that anxiety and get some sleep?
That's tough that you're also experiencing your ED voice, but only natural when you're outside of your comfort zone. What might also help to reduce that voice while on the trip?
hey @Callum, I’m not really sure how to describe this anxiety. It’s like/feels like ants crawling under my skin whenever I’m somewhere unknown and without confront items - like I only have my little black dog stuffie to help me. And like tha anxiety is creating like a panicky feeling and making me have some palpitations. Like if I had my meds I could manage it I guess but not taken them for about 3 weeks so would make me feel more sick than anything.
im not sure why I can do, like my head/voice in my heads telling me to hurt myself but can’t do that now because my partner is here but also I don’t think it’s very professional to turn up to the conference with my wrists bandaged up so I’m trying not to do anything but it’s kinda just getting harder to not do anything.
The only way I can think about that would reduce the Ed voice is just purging and not eating on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday. Like I know I shouldn’t do that but it’s like the only way it will go quiet
@Lottie5433 It's difficult to describe these feelings, but the analogy of ants crawling under your skin really captures that feeling and helps me to understand what you're dealing with. I'm hearing that you're feeling really uncomfortable in yourself being somewhere unfamiliar that's making you feel panicked and experience palpitations.
It makes sense you're thinking about the conference when you're struggling with urges to self-harm. How are you feeling today I wonder? Are the urges feeling a little easier or are they still feeling difficult to manage?
I'm also wondering how your ED voice is doing today, is that still feeling so overwhelming?
hi @Callum
Still feeling anxious and overwhelmed, I’m not liking being here very much.
the urges are still there and still just as strong and I feel I’ll relapse tonight or possibly tomorrow - which I don’t want coz N might see on Wednesday during the call.
the ED voice isn’t happy and still making me overwhelmed
@Lottie5433 It's okay to feel anxious and overwhelmed when you're somewhere new. I'm curious, how long are you there for, and when do you head home?
How are the urges tonight, are they still really strong? Would watching some comfort TV or doing some relaxation help tonight to reduce the urges I wonder? Are you also open to discussing these urges and the ED voice with N tomorrow on the call?
hi @Callum
Well this is the only day I’m at the conference the rest of the week I’m in a hotel room. We go home on Friday morning - another 7hr journey.
the urges are strong. I’m not sure if I’ll have time to relax or watch tv, like we are in the bar now.
im not sure if I want to bring up the urges or the ED voice with N tomorrow. Like I don’t even want to go to the call tomorrow
I feel too out of lace here, I don’t feel like I belong.
got home to the room at 11:00ish and have been crying on and off for the last 2-3 hrs
My partner has asked what wrong but I don’t know what’s wrong and if I did I wouldn’t say coz I wouldn’t want to ruin the rest of the week for him.
I feel sick, my skin feels like ants are crawling under it and are trying to get out.
all I want to do is hurt myself, I brought everything I need just need to wait till no one’s around me.
my partner also turned my location back on and I want to turn it off, he also still won’t tell me where he’s hid some of my blade that I use for crafts because he doesn’t trust me - this just makes me feel like shit because I don’t like not knowing where MY things are, but also the fact he said he doesn’t trust me makes me feel crap because what else does he not trust me with. I feel like a fucking child and I’m a fucking adult. I don’t give a shit if it’s for my “safety” I’m an adult and have dealt with the consequences for the last 13 years, I should be allowed to have these items.
really tempted to email in tomorrow and say I can’t do it online anymore with N. I just can’t be bothered with therapy anymore.
I feel like shit and this day has made me feel like shit, I’ve been overwhelmed, overstimulated and just masking all day. Kinda wish I didn’t came here, should have let my partner go alone, this weeks not for me I’m just an extra body and that just makes me feel like an inconvenience. One of the bosses here has basically said it’s a bad idea me being here all week, some of the people here make me feel like I don’t belong coz no one else could bring their extra staff but I’m allow, and I’m not a manager.
I also don’t think my partner has realised that I’ve brought back to the van part of my stash of OTC meds and had a stash of 3/4 weeks of meds anyway.
I ended up self harming again.
overturned off my location.
all I want to so is cry and go home - I can’t go home yet though. Just have to sit alone in the hotel room
Hey @Lottie5433 thank you for sharing this with us, it sounds like you are feeling really isolated right now and not able to open up to your partner, this must be so hard but we're here to listen and support you. You mentioned you are alone for in the hotel room, do you know when you will be heading home? It sounds like the week of socialising has been overwelming and you just want some space to reset, i'm wondering if you have felt some ease from the anxiety since you have been alone?